To Whomever It Concerns
Today is presumably not the day for it, but I need some
in my sleeping schedule, foremost. I've yet to sleep, for Monday night. Although I did sleep in until 6pm ON Monday, so that would definitely account for this. No caffeine either, though.
I just...of all the things which have to be sorted out right now, the time of day during which I'm most productive is one of them. I think, however, that I've established that I'm -least- productive from 11am to 3pm--regardless of what time my day has begun. Peak productivity is around 2am through around 9am, although I'm definitely waning.
So, if I can find employment which allows me to sleep between 9am and 3pm-ish, that would perhaps be optimal. Unless it's one which offers a coffee-pot on hand and few responsibilities in need of tending between 11 and 3, which is manageable. The nocturnal sleep schedule bit definitely detracts from what I'm able to accomplish, too--in order to feel at all rested (i.e., not fall asleep standing up)--I've established that it requires at least 9 hours of consecutive sleep, if I must be awake before around 11am. At that hour, though, every hour I'm able to sleep past 11am ends up somehow incrementally decreasing the necessary total consecutive sleep-time required to still achieve same resultant resultfulness.
Going to sleep at 9am, to see how goes waking up. I'm imagining I'll feel rested by 3pm, given that there were no toxins for my body to have to correct for, tonight. None out of the ordinary for processed food-stuffs, at least. Gluten, etc.
Any which, I still have a few minutes before exhaustion will hold sway, entirely.
Just watched a French(?) film...Le Reine de Pommes. Queen of Hearts.
It was difficult, watching the battle between perspectives on love play out on the screen, having experienced all but a couple of them. Never in Jacques', Paul's, or...well, yeah, those two. Never in their places, as there've been at least shades of each of the rest. And I don't know that I'll ever end up with the resolution as the movie.
Trusting is so difficult, without reason. But, why should there be trust without cause? I've blindly thrown myself head-first into every relationship I've endeavored, to varied degrees even wholly deluding myself just to be able to feel as though I've pursued the all with an open mind and heart.
And it's left me burned, time and again, and taken advantage of, and just...taken for granted.
I'm sick of it, quite frankly. Utterly. I just don't know, at this juncture, how to make for better of the whole ordeal. Seems like there really does need to be an acquaintance prior to any endeavor to date. Otherwise, it all ends up being predominated by physical aspects of the relationship.
Eh. I have no idea. Absolutely none. As much as I try, the only things I've figured out are what -don't- work, and what I'm -not- willing to accept. Which, helps I suppose. But doesn't get me any further along on figuring out how to find someone I can actually cohabit with and commit to, long-term, wholly. There are just certain aspects of interaction that absolutely have to be a part of the communication paradigm, and they're not ones which can be forced.
A lot of it has to do with respect. Particular sorts of it. And so few folks nowadays have any inkling of what respect is. Lack of self-awareness begets lack of other-awareness, which downgrades the entire potential for developing a healthy level of respect for anything, self included. But...neither is pandering--obsequious fawning--desirable. I'd as soon gnaw off my own arm. Pretensions of respect aren't acceptable, either.
It need be respect deep enough to border on admiration, yet with a healthy enough dose of realism as to allow for shared amusement (and, optimally--gentle redirection and instruction) at some of the sheer absurdities and lack of sense sometimes exhibited.
Can that be developed in context of a relationship, or must it precede dabbling? That...has been the sticking point of consideration, these past couple years. Respect doesn't guarantee affection. Neither does initial respect guarantee deepening.
Initial affection CERTAINLY doesn't guarantee respect. Nor does attraction, by any means, even nod to potential for developed respect.
I've tried, even, limiting my view to those who seem respectful in some capacity. Still, not quite right, yet. I don't know. Time to sleep for a while, though.
in my sleeping schedule, foremost. I've yet to sleep, for Monday night. Although I did sleep in until 6pm ON Monday, so that would definitely account for this. No caffeine either, though.
I just...of all the things which have to be sorted out right now, the time of day during which I'm most productive is one of them. I think, however, that I've established that I'm -least- productive from 11am to 3pm--regardless of what time my day has begun. Peak productivity is around 2am through around 9am, although I'm definitely waning.
So, if I can find employment which allows me to sleep between 9am and 3pm-ish, that would perhaps be optimal. Unless it's one which offers a coffee-pot on hand and few responsibilities in need of tending between 11 and 3, which is manageable. The nocturnal sleep schedule bit definitely detracts from what I'm able to accomplish, too--in order to feel at all rested (i.e., not fall asleep standing up)--I've established that it requires at least 9 hours of consecutive sleep, if I must be awake before around 11am. At that hour, though, every hour I'm able to sleep past 11am ends up somehow incrementally decreasing the necessary total consecutive sleep-time required to still achieve same resultant resultfulness.
Going to sleep at 9am, to see how goes waking up. I'm imagining I'll feel rested by 3pm, given that there were no toxins for my body to have to correct for, tonight. None out of the ordinary for processed food-stuffs, at least. Gluten, etc.
Any which, I still have a few minutes before exhaustion will hold sway, entirely.
Just watched a French(?) film...Le Reine de Pommes. Queen of Hearts.
It was difficult, watching the battle between perspectives on love play out on the screen, having experienced all but a couple of them. Never in Jacques', Paul's, or...well, yeah, those two. Never in their places, as there've been at least shades of each of the rest. And I don't know that I'll ever end up with the resolution as the movie.
Trusting is so difficult, without reason. But, why should there be trust without cause? I've blindly thrown myself head-first into every relationship I've endeavored, to varied degrees even wholly deluding myself just to be able to feel as though I've pursued the all with an open mind and heart.
And it's left me burned, time and again, and taken advantage of, and just...taken for granted.
I'm sick of it, quite frankly. Utterly. I just don't know, at this juncture, how to make for better of the whole ordeal. Seems like there really does need to be an acquaintance prior to any endeavor to date. Otherwise, it all ends up being predominated by physical aspects of the relationship.
Eh. I have no idea. Absolutely none. As much as I try, the only things I've figured out are what -don't- work, and what I'm -not- willing to accept. Which, helps I suppose. But doesn't get me any further along on figuring out how to find someone I can actually cohabit with and commit to, long-term, wholly. There are just certain aspects of interaction that absolutely have to be a part of the communication paradigm, and they're not ones which can be forced.
A lot of it has to do with respect. Particular sorts of it. And so few folks nowadays have any inkling of what respect is. Lack of self-awareness begets lack of other-awareness, which downgrades the entire potential for developing a healthy level of respect for anything, self included. But...neither is pandering--obsequious fawning--desirable. I'd as soon gnaw off my own arm. Pretensions of respect aren't acceptable, either.
It need be respect deep enough to border on admiration, yet with a healthy enough dose of realism as to allow for shared amusement (and, optimally--gentle redirection and instruction) at some of the sheer absurdities and lack of sense sometimes exhibited.
Can that be developed in context of a relationship, or must it precede dabbling? That...has been the sticking point of consideration, these past couple years. Respect doesn't guarantee affection. Neither does initial respect guarantee deepening.
Initial affection CERTAINLY doesn't guarantee respect. Nor does attraction, by any means, even nod to potential for developed respect.
I've tried, even, limiting my view to those who seem respectful in some capacity. Still, not quite right, yet. I don't know. Time to sleep for a while, though.