For what it's worth...
I am a bit confused
Honesty is a good policy, certainly. The influx on information I'm experiencing, and have been experiencing since opening my eyes and ears and heart again, has been what might be termed somewhat overwhelming. So, it's not unexpected to experience confusion--in my case at least, the state is generally indicative of processing being underway on a deeper level.
As what-with the K-madness and recent D-pariah of work-things. It took a while to process the internal workings of the places--I had initial intent to understand and then effect upward progress. Less blatantly so, as a blatant initial intent, with the latter...but, still, it became so as intent. The maniacal workings of each is so convolutedly far-encompassing of those enmeshed, though. There were certain differences between certain specifics of internal operations with each, but the basic paradigm of incorporation and maintenance of working parts were relatively identical. Major points of difference, I believe, arose out of specifically region-driven operating conditions. Specifically, unionization in the northern work-space. But don't let that deceive that conditions were better. No, indeed.
Both, insidious, in their incremental psychological machinations into psyche.
One phrase heard at each: "No one is hiring full-time, anymore, except for us." To the extent that folks who hadn't heard it spoken were giving it as justification for their misery, toward the end of my tenure...prior to my utter breakdown, with each.
I don't know that it's my place to write any sort of expose on realizations over the course of these recent devolutions. I'm really not sure. It makes me somewhat physically ill, still, to consider placing myself mentally back into the workings enough as to again relay them. I'd discussed each, at length, over the course of tenure with each program.
Because, assuredly, they were programs. Programming.
I'm left boggled, though, still...at quite how efficiently these corporate entities have incorporated aspects of new age spiritualism (and ancient spiritualism, as well--K was very Zen, toward the end, and moving moreso into that quarter...even as D was dabbling in that approach, although keeping a foot heartily in Buddhist philosophies), as a means to conjure compliance at wholly new levels of self-detriment to workers. Chalk all up to the cause of coaching and improving those subordinate, while debasing morale and undermining confidence quite effectively per doctrine and edict.
Knowing that a thing is not possible to be accomplished and asking for it and more? ALL THE TIME? As a means of driving productivity? ...given the view that "anyone can accomplish anything, if you believe?"
Malicious bit.
There are so many things that I witnessed. So many things I was privy to, as a consequence of being someone people talk to...as a result of being a listener. People confided. Such dirty business.
*sigh*
I can't be a part of it. Effecting change from the inside, by working my way through the ranks--I am not capable, or at least not presently so. I haven't the strength nor the ability to subjugate and denigrate so callously, as has been proven required.
A matrix of fear and consumption, self-consuming. Self-corrupting and corrupting. It was eating me alive.
I thank God I was at least able to apologize to the one person I'd been most callous. It wasn't assured, but there's resolution.
I've been doing a LOT of reflection, this past year. In context of scenarios which created a lot of self-conflict, especially. But, now, also exceeding those contexts. All of the things.
I've been remembering things which I'd forgotten for years. Not everything, but as much as I can handle for now. In addition to playing catch up on what the world's been up to over course of my withdrawal from observation/interaction. Lots of things. Steps toward teleportation--even if conceived as a means of communication, at present...still! And things, many things. Too much to catch up on in a few weeks' time, especially given momentary incapacitation.
Which, I suppose I should probably sleep for a moment. The whole incapacitation-deal really brought it to my attention that I've got to tend all needs and refrain from neglecting the mental/physical. Need for rest, most especially. I just tend to push myself so hard. ...if I applied that same attention to any one specific course for long enough to fully explore it, learn the entire gist...aside of with these work-things, for what times there be...hm.
Honesty is a good policy, certainly. The influx on information I'm experiencing, and have been experiencing since opening my eyes and ears and heart again, has been what might be termed somewhat overwhelming. So, it's not unexpected to experience confusion--in my case at least, the state is generally indicative of processing being underway on a deeper level.
As what-with the K-madness and recent D-pariah of work-things. It took a while to process the internal workings of the places--I had initial intent to understand and then effect upward progress. Less blatantly so, as a blatant initial intent, with the latter...but, still, it became so as intent. The maniacal workings of each is so convolutedly far-encompassing of those enmeshed, though. There were certain differences between certain specifics of internal operations with each, but the basic paradigm of incorporation and maintenance of working parts were relatively identical. Major points of difference, I believe, arose out of specifically region-driven operating conditions. Specifically, unionization in the northern work-space. But don't let that deceive that conditions were better. No, indeed.
Both, insidious, in their incremental psychological machinations into psyche.
One phrase heard at each: "No one is hiring full-time, anymore, except for us." To the extent that folks who hadn't heard it spoken were giving it as justification for their misery, toward the end of my tenure...prior to my utter breakdown, with each.
I don't know that it's my place to write any sort of expose on realizations over the course of these recent devolutions. I'm really not sure. It makes me somewhat physically ill, still, to consider placing myself mentally back into the workings enough as to again relay them. I'd discussed each, at length, over the course of tenure with each program.
Because, assuredly, they were programs. Programming.
I'm left boggled, though, still...at quite how efficiently these corporate entities have incorporated aspects of new age spiritualism (and ancient spiritualism, as well--K was very Zen, toward the end, and moving moreso into that quarter...even as D was dabbling in that approach, although keeping a foot heartily in Buddhist philosophies), as a means to conjure compliance at wholly new levels of self-detriment to workers. Chalk all up to the cause of coaching and improving those subordinate, while debasing morale and undermining confidence quite effectively per doctrine and edict.
Knowing that a thing is not possible to be accomplished and asking for it and more? ALL THE TIME? As a means of driving productivity? ...given the view that "anyone can accomplish anything, if you believe?"
Malicious bit.
There are so many things that I witnessed. So many things I was privy to, as a consequence of being someone people talk to...as a result of being a listener. People confided. Such dirty business.
*sigh*
I can't be a part of it. Effecting change from the inside, by working my way through the ranks--I am not capable, or at least not presently so. I haven't the strength nor the ability to subjugate and denigrate so callously, as has been proven required.
A matrix of fear and consumption, self-consuming. Self-corrupting and corrupting. It was eating me alive.
I thank God I was at least able to apologize to the one person I'd been most callous. It wasn't assured, but there's resolution.
I've been doing a LOT of reflection, this past year. In context of scenarios which created a lot of self-conflict, especially. But, now, also exceeding those contexts. All of the things.
I've been remembering things which I'd forgotten for years. Not everything, but as much as I can handle for now. In addition to playing catch up on what the world's been up to over course of my withdrawal from observation/interaction. Lots of things. Steps toward teleportation--even if conceived as a means of communication, at present...still! And things, many things. Too much to catch up on in a few weeks' time, especially given momentary incapacitation.
Which, I suppose I should probably sleep for a moment. The whole incapacitation-deal really brought it to my attention that I've got to tend all needs and refrain from neglecting the mental/physical. Need for rest, most especially. I just tend to push myself so hard. ...if I applied that same attention to any one specific course for long enough to fully explore it, learn the entire gist...aside of with these work-things, for what times there be...hm.