you are what you love, not who loves you
Title: you are what you love, not who loves you
Rating: g
Pairing(s): gen
Length: 4596
Summary: Chanwoo starts to trust them, little by little.
Warnings: un-edited.
Notes: Written for exchangekon
6.
The thing about Junhwe is, he says things he doesn't mean. All the time. He's a big talker. He doesn't think before he speaks. His brain-to-mouth filter is nonexistent, Jinhwan would say with a laugh. It can make him pretty hilarious sometimes, blurting things out without thinking and speaking his mind honestly, but it's the same thing that can hurt people. Words are as sharp as a cleaver.
And sure, he says nice things sometimes, when it's quiet at night, and there's only the two of them. He's quietly very sensitive, caring for everyone in silence and small, unnoticeable ways that somehow still makes a difference, but Chanwoo still can't tell if he's being sincere or acting whenever he does it to him. Why would he help Chanwoo? Why would he comfort Chanwoo?
He still remembers when Junhwe called him a freeloader, after all.
"You got this." Junhwe pats his back.
Chanwoo looks at Junhwe, who's smiling at him like he really, really believes in Chanwoo. Alright, maybe Junhwe's helped him through a lot of things. Vocal practice with Junhwe is always fun, because Junhwe is always trying to help him out, and encouraging him, and in general just being a really nice friend. That, or just being a good teammate, which is different. Good teammates do it because they have to, because they're in the same team, for the sake of teamwork. Good friends do it because they mean it.
And okay, to be fair, maybe he should forget about the whole "freeloader" thing--that was years ago. Junhwe isn't like that anymore, right? Of course Junhwe would say that back then, they were competing after all. He understands Junhwe's feelings. But why is it he can't stop thinking about those words whenever Junhwe praises or encourages him?
"Junhwe, will you be honest with me?" Chanwoo asks, voice quiet and serious. Junhwe raises an eyebrow, hitting space on his laptop to stop the music.
"Yeah, shoot. What is it?"
"Do I sound bad?" Chanwoo asks, and Junhwe's face turns from surprise, to confusion, to concern.
"What do you mean?" He asks, voice lowering to the same volume as Chanwoo. It's quiet, save for the clock ticking behind Junhwe, a little past 1 AM, yet the cramped studio room they've chosen to sit in is still as bright as it is at 1 PM.
"I mean," Chanwoo bites his lips, "I sound weird, don't I?"
"You mean your singing voice?" Junhwe asks, tone careful, and Chanwoo can see the gears working in his head, trying to make sense of the situation and handle it as best as he can. Honestly, Junhwe's never really good at his own feelings. He's still got a long way to go before he can handle another person's feelings, but this is Junhwe. He never backs down from a good challenge.
"Yeah. My singing voice." Chanwoo answers after a while, looking down at his lyrics paper. "You think I don't sound good, right?"
"What? Of course not! I mean--yes! I--of course you sound good!" Junhwe stumbles over his words. It's hilarious, really. But Chanwoo sees the panic in Junhwe's expression, and he looks away. Junhwe's an open book. It's quite easy to read him, but sometimes people look too deep and end up missing the meaning entirely. Junhwe is, to be honest, a simple person.
"That's okay. Thanks for being honest." Chanwoo nods, a small smile on his lips.
"No problem...?" Junhwe tilts his head in confusion. Chanwoo presses the spacebar and the song starts again.
"Shall we give it another try?" Chanwoo asks, sounding a little more down than before, but Junhwe doesn't seem to notice. He just nods.
"Uh, yeah, go ahead." But Chanwoo can see he's distracted for the rest of their session. His expression says 'What the hell just happened?' but his voice stays firm as he guides Chanwoo through the song.
Two lines. That's all Chanwoo has. But it's been almost two hours now, and Junhwe is still teaching him.
"Aren't you tired?" Chanwoo suddenly asks in the middle of their second hour.
"Are you?" Junhwe asks back, distracted as he clicks on his laptop to rewind the song from the start. He raises an eyebrow at Chanwoo.
"Not really... I mean, aren't you tired of having to keep teaching me my lines on every song? Even if I only have one line?"
Junhwe frowns. "I don't mind doing this, maknae. What are you trying to get at? You know, you've been really weird from earlier."
Chanwoo shrugs. "Sorry. It's nothing. Forget about it."
"Chanwoo, how long has it been since I first met you?"
Chanwoo opens his mouth to answer, but Junhwe cuts him before he can give an answer.
"Don't answer that. You know how long. And how long have we been friends? Don't answer that, either, I'm sure you know. The point is, you know me. I'd never think of you as a burden. That's what this is about, right?" Junhwe sighs, hands rubbing Chanwoo's back softly.
"Um." Chanwoo blinks at his lyrics paper.
"Don't think about it, okay? There's a time for everything." Junhwe says with a firm nod, and Chanwoo nods back at him slowly.
"And hey. I mean it. You don't sound bad or weird--everyone has their own color."
And Chanwoo finds himself believing those words that he'd never expect to hear from Junhwe's lips.
---
5.
Donghyuk is an angel sent from heaven.
Perhaps, even 'an angel sent from heaven' is an understatement. Donghyuk is warm and sweet. All smiles and sunshine and happiness. The nicest person Chanwoo has ever had the luck of crossing paths with in his life.
When they first met, Donghyuk had told him to drop the honorifics and asked him to be friends, even though Donghyuk is more than a year older than him. Automatically, that made Junhwe and Jinhyeong become friends with Chanwoo as well. Donghyuk had been the one to listen to his problems and help him out with his dance steps. He helped Chanwoo settle in with everyone and always made sure Chanwoo was fitting in well, and that he wasn't uncomfortable. He congratulated Chanwoo when he made it in as the 6th member, even though Donghyuk himself was unsure of his future with the group at that point. When Chanwoo felt like he had trampled on other people's dreams to achieve his own, Donghyuk had comforted him and told him it was fine, that Chanwoo didn't have to worry, and all that mattered was that Chanwoo had made it. He would invite Chanwoo to his bed at night to watch movies on his laptop. He would make food for Chanwoo and give him massages. He'd let Chanwoo joke around with him and let the maknae push him around. Donghyuk gave him his all.
And to this day, Donghyuk still does it all. Still comforts Chanwoo when he's down. Still lets Chanwoo push him around.
Sometimes, Chanwoo wonders if he isn't good enough. He pales in comparison to Donghyuk. Who wouldn't, really? Donghyuk is bright and warm, perfect and lovable, and while everyone claims him just to be as lovely, Chanwoo knows he's not like Donghyuk. And he never will be.
Sometimes, Chanwoo is too afraid to talk to Donghyuk. Afraid that the bright sun will burn this lone leaf, afraid that it will be too warm for this little snowflake.
But most of all, he's afraid of being compared.
Because Chanwoo is nothing like Donghyuk's precise, fluid moves, or his high-pitched voice. Because he can't quite master a second language like Donghyuk can. Because he'll never be good enough.
So here he is, in front of the practice room mirror, lying down. He's tired and sleepy but he wants to perfect this one move he can't seem to do, but then Donghyuk is opening the door quietly.
"Come home. It's 3 AM." Donghyuk says, voice quiet. Chanwoo turns to look at him, and Donghyuk is walking closer.
"I made snacks." Donghyuk adds, extending an arm towards Chanwoo with that bright, yet soft smile he gives everyone when he knows they're not feeling well. Chanwoo grabs his hand and stands up with him, Donghyuk wrapping his small, skinny arms around Chanwoo's big torso, but he's warm and he's all that Chanwoo needs.
"It's gonna be okay."
He's all Chanwoo needs.
---
4.
Hanbin is a very straightforward person, and Chanwoo likes it. Because Chanwoo was never really good at processing unnecessary words lest he ends up missing the point completely. Hanbin never beats around the bush and his words cut through their hearts like a razor blade--he doesn't need to press that hard to get a reaction, because sometimes, a soft graze is all they really need.
But what Chanwoo doesn't like is how quick tempered Hanbin is. Chanwoo can be very slow at processing things when it's late, and he's sick and tired, so that's when Hanbin loses his temper and starts screaming, which just adds to Chanwoo's list of "things that made me tired today".
It's days like these where all Chanwoo wants to do is just curl up in his bed and sleep.
"God, move out a little bit. Don't take Donghyuk's space." Hanbin sighs, tired and long-suffering, and Chanwoo nods.
Jinhwan spares a glance at Chanwoo before looking forward once again. Hanbin restarts the song, taking off his cap in frustration and musses his own hair.
Hanbin's face is as easy to read as Junhwe's is. He's tired, he's angry, he's running on 3 cans of Redbull and 2 cans of Pringles, and he's ready to explode. Chanwoo never wants to be there when he explodes, but ever since he joined the team, he almost always is. He's a perfectionist to the core, and Chanwoo's the one ruining his picture.
"Stop." Hanbin no longer screams, voice quiet yet stern as he stops the song and everyone halts. Chanwoo is disappointed in himself, and everyone looks at him with exhaustion clear in their faces. Chanwoo understands. They just want to go home, take a nice warm shower, and sleep, but Chanwoo is messing up again. Jinhwan tries to give him a reassuring smile, but to Chanwoo, it comes off as exasperated.
"I told you so many times!" Hanbin sighs for the thousandth time that hour, and plops down defeated on the floor. "I don't understand why you keep doing this!"
"I'm sorry." Chanwoo bites his lip.
"Are you even trying?"
"Alright, alright." Bobby cuts in, taking Hanbin by the shoulder and dragging him up. "Let's get some air."
Hanbin means well. He just wants the best for the team, and he's got a lot of weight on his shoulders already. Chanwoo may not know the full extent of it, but Jinhwan does, and how often Jinhwan goes to fetch Hanbin in the studio at 3 AM is proof enough to Chanwoo that there's much more that he hasn't seen, and probably never will. Hanbin is made of steel, Chanwoo is sure, but even steel breaks under pressure.
Tears rise up, and Chanwoo's just so tired that he lets it go without much thought. He walks out after Hanbin and Bobby, sniffling as he wipes snot and tears on his towel. Hanbin is alone, though, Bobby nowhere to be seen and the leader looks up as soon as he hears the practice room door close.
"Chanwoo?"
"I'm sorry." Chanwoo mumbles, head bowed down.
"I'm sorry, too." Hanbin says, voice quiet as he pulls Chanwoo in for a hug. "We're all tired."
"But that's no excuse for me to mess up."
A part of Chanwoo is still stuck in that survival mindset of "you're not trying hard enough, so keep pushing" and "they're all better than you, why did you stop?", so Hanbin has to constantly pull him out of it, remind him that he just gets a little frustrated at the maknae sometimes and that no, Chanwoo doesn't have to work too hard to prove himself, because he's already proven enough. Because here he is, with the 6 of them, and that means he is, at the very least, on par with them in terms of skills.
"Hey, we all get tired, don't we? So let's go home and rest, and we can do this again tomorrow, okay?"
"No, I--" Chanwoo protests, but Hanbin cuts him off.
"No buts." Hanbin frowns, patting Chanwoo's head. "We're going home."
"But hyung, I want to make it perfect for you." Chanwoo says, voice shaky and eyes glassy, but all Hanbin does is pat his back with a smile, and say,
"You don't have to. Everything is already perfect with you."
Sometimes, Chanwoo wonders if he really deserves these nice words.
---
3.
As tough as Bobby might seem, he's actually a very quiet, very polite, family-oriented person. And to him, iKON is his second family, so of course he treats them nicely and gets hurt easily whenever they don't treat him well.
But they can never do Bobby wrong, somehow. He's friendly and takes everything in stride. He's very rarely ever angry, and he lets Chanwoo push him around, play games with him, and that's why playing with Bobby is so much fun. His jokes aren't that funny, they're rather dry, but his laugh and enthusiasm makes up for it. Chanwoo always finds himself at least smiling when Bobby cracks a joke.
He's all tough cookie, but behind that exterior, he's got a soft heart.
He dotes on Chanwoo and takes care of him like he's his child. Even scolds him like he's his son. The disappointed father look may seem hilarious to the rest, but to Chanwoo it's terrifying. He's scared of Bobby, but Bobby can never be too angry at someone for too long, so at the same time, he keeps wanting to be terrified of Bobby.
He's always been the nicest when Chanwoo and Jinhyeong first came in. He tells them anecdotes of the group, and then when Hongseok came in, tried to include him, too. Chanwoo looks up to him. He became someone Chanwoo really adores and, someday, wants to be like. Kind, loving, selfless. That’s why he hates disappointing Bobby the most.
Bobby really, really enjoys playing around with Chanwoo. They're natural enemies, he'd say. Chanwoo is cute and full of energy even after a long day, doesn't like losing, and he's willing. Bobby would ask him to download a game and he would, then he'd master it and win against Bobby. Perhaps it was that same energy that gave him his position in iKON.
Bobby is also caring and thoughtful. He gives Chanwoo everything--snacks from the convenience store, clothes that he's worn and thought would fit Chanwoo better, small gifts whenever he goes overseas, food whenever he comes back from a schedule. No matter how troublesome, no matter how tired he is, he makes time for Chanwoo. He makes sure Chanwoo is happy. There's nothing Chanwoo hasn't received from Bobby.
Sadly, when it comes to singing lines, Bobby doesn't have the final say.
"It's okay, champ. You'll get it next time." Bobby pats his back. Chanwoo nods.
"Yeah."
"I know how hard you practiced for that line." Bobby's eyebrows furrow in concern as they walk down the hall towards the company's cafeteria.
"That's okay. I'm sure Junhwe will do better at it."
"Baby." Bobby frowns. "You did really good."
"I guess it wasn't good enough." Chanwoo shrugs. "It's okay, I'll get over it."
"I'm sorry." Bobby hugs him.
"Why are you sorry, hyung?"
"Because you deserve it."
"No, I didn't!" Chanwoo pouts. "I just didn't work hard enough, that's why it didn't sound good. So I don't deserve it."
"Hey." Bobby looks angry, a frown on his face and eyebrows furrowing even more. His eyes squint at Chanwoo.
Somehow, Chanwoo thinks he's done something wrong, and fumbles to come up with an apology. He's not sure what he did wrong, but an angry Bobby is never good. Is it because he didn't get the line?
"Don't say you don't deserve it, because you do."
"Wh-Why?" Chanwoo stutters in surprise, wide eyes staring innocently at Bobby.
"Because you deserve it. You deserve everything. You deserve the world and more. I'm not just saying this, you know. I mean it." Bobby says firmly, a hand on Chanwoo's shoulder, and Chanwoo can't help but smile a little.
"Really?"
"Really." Bobby nods with a smile on his face, and Chanwoo breaks out into a grin.
He'll get it. One day.
---
2.
Yunhyeong is Chanwoo's #1 confidante. He knows all of Chanwoo's deepest, darkest secrets, and never once has he judged Chanwoo for them. He knows all of Chanwoo's insecurities, and he knows all of Chanwoo's nightmares. When it's late and Chanwoo feels like breaking down, he curls up next to Yunhyeong or asks him to make food, and everything will be okay.
Yunhyeong knows how to make everything better.
He's soft and fun and caring, just like Bobby, except he's less loud. Where Bobby talks, he listens. Chanwoo loves that. Loves that he can tell Yunhyeong anything and Yunhyeong will listen, will let Chanwoo ramble on until he's tired and has driven himself to a corner and back and only then will Yunhyeong say, "You'll be fine. I'm right here for you."
He gets why Junhwe and Donghyuk likes hanging around Yunhyeong a lot. Why Donghyuk is always hanging off Yunhyeong's shoulder, or why Junhwe constantly pulls him aside and clings on to him some days. Because after a while, Chanwoo also felt that way--felt the need to hang on to Yunhyeong. When Bobby, Hanbin, and Jinhwan are busy and shutting everyone out, Yunhyeong is always there for them. To listen to them, or have fun with them. Take care of them and dote on them. He's good at caring for everyone and making sure everyone is fine. He's good at keeping the maknaes in line and Chanwoo loves that about him, loves that he cares so much about all of them.
Chanwoo hasn't had any nightmares or breakdowns since before their debut, but for some reason, tonight is different. He feels weird and tired and sluggish from all the practicing. He needs sleep but for some reason, sleep just would not come.
So here he is, listening to Yunhyeong breathe quietly, back turned to Chanwoo, and Chanwoo taps quietly at Yunhyeong's shoulders. Yunhyeong hums and turns around, surprised to find Chanwoo next to him.
"What's wrong?" His eyebrows immediately furrow in concern, eyes blinking blearily at Chanwoo.
“Nothing.” Chanwoo answers, voice quiet as he curls up and closes his eyes. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“You wanna talk about it?” Yunhyeong offers, his voice slightly raspy from sleep. He runs his fingers through Chanwoo’s hair but Chanwoo shakes his head.
“It’s fine.”
“Okay…” Yunhyeong doesn’t sound convinced but he lets it pass.
The next day, though, Yunhyeong will not leave Chanwoo’s side. He offers to accompany Chanwoo wherever the young boy went--the kitchen, the bedroom, the convenience store--and Chanwoo’s pretty sure it was because of last night. Yunhyeong’s worried, but Chanwoo doesn’t know how to ease his worries because he himself doesn’t know what’s going on. His mind’s a disorganized mess, and he just can’t seem to sort himself out so he can talk to someone about it.
Yunhyeong is persistent, follows Chanwoo around and tries to start conversations. Chanwoo really wishes he can talk about it. But he kind of likes the fact that Yunhyeong is trying so hard and Chanwoo thinks this is why Yunhyeong is his favorite hyung, because he tries the hardest to get into Chanwoo’s world and understand him and comfort him. Chanwoo’s not that good at reaching out, and he likes it better this way. Yunhyeong’s the only one willing to keep pushing when Chanwoo shuts everyone out.
And now here they are again, in Yunhyeong’s bed, warm and cuddled up after a long day. Yunhyeong is absentmindedly petting Chanwoo’s hair while he replies to texts, and Chanwoo is looking at his own phone, scrolling through group chat messages.
“So, you wanna talk about it?” Yunhyeong casually asks, still reading and replying texts, and Chanwoo sighs, locking his phone.
“Talk about what?” Chanwoo asks, eyes closing when Yunhyeong scratches softly at his scalp. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“You don’t have to talk about anything.” Yunhyeong replies, the sound of his typing filling the silence before he continues. “I don’t know what’s on your mind, but if it’s bothering you, maybe you should talk about it.”
Chanwoo looks up at Yunhyeong.
“Maybe.” Yunhyeong repeats, trying to reassure Chanwoo.
“I feel… Tired.” Chanwoo blinks up at Yunhyeong.
“Everybody feels that way sometimes.” Yunhyeong shrugs. “But it’s okay.”
“Hmm.” Chanwoo replies, distracted. Bobby is spamming their group chat with emoticon stickers and Chanwoo stares at a sticker for too long that Yunhyeong notices.
“Hey. If you need to talk about anything, I’m here.”
Chanwoo nods. “Just don’t feel like talking about it now.”
“That’s cool. I’m always here. You can talk to me about it next year and I’ll still be here.”
Chanwoo smiles at that.
---
1.
The first time Chanwoo met Jinhwan, he had thought that the older boy was indifferent about him. He didn't care whether or not Chanwoo was there--as long as he didn't disturb the team, Jinhwan would remain that way about Chanwoo. Indifferent, cold, a little harsh. When it came to the team, he can be mean. And Chanwoo decided he didn't really like Jinhwan.
As time went on, Chanwoo found out more about Jinhwan. He's nice, and caring, and everyone messes around with him a lot, and he doesn't mind--he lets them push him around and joke with him and he's okay with that. Chanwoo decides, maybe Jinhwan isn't that cold.
He would quietly ask Chanwoo if he's eaten yet, if he needs anything, if he wants to talk, if he wants to ask something. Chanwoo found it weird. He didn't expect Jinhwan to act like that. In his mind, Jinhwan isn't like that.
Chanwoo learns, that day, that he shouldn't jump to conclusions.
Jinhwan is also very sensitive and gets emotional a lot. Chanwoo is careful around him, but Jinhwan is even more careful around Chanwoo. He pays attention to how Chanwoo reacts to everything they do. He pays attention to what Chanwoo does when he's feeling a certain way. He pays attention to Chanwoo, and not a lot of people do that.
He doesn't only do that to Chanwoo, no. He does it to everyone else. To Hanbin, Bobby, Junhwe, Donghyuk, even Yunhyeong, who doesn't appear to cling onto Jinhwan as much as the rest does. But that doesn't make it any less special--Chanwoo likes that Jinhwan quietly observes him. He likes that Jinhwan's perceptive, and picks up quickly on Chanwoo's signs.
Perhaps that's how Jinhwan notices how Chanwoo is feeling today.
"Hey Chanwoo." Jinhwan casually greets, and Chanwoo smiles back in greeting at him.
"Hey, hyung."
Chanwoo opens the fridge and looks around. None of the food piques his appetite, and he opens the freezer just to be sure. He closes it and starts rummaging through the cupboards.
"Hungry?"
"Kind of." Chanwoo shrugs.
"Want a snack?" Jinhwan asks, offering a bag of squid chips--Bobby's favorite, and he would he sad if someone ate them, but Jinhwan has a way with everyone on the team, and Bobby will surely forgive him. Chanwoo shakes his head.
"It's fine. Maybe I'll eat later, when I'm more hungry." Chanwoo replies.
"Okay then. Do you want anything for dinner?" Jinhwan asks, and Chanwoo takes the seat across Jinhwan, whos muching on Bobby's squid chips.
"Anything is fine."
"Are you sure? You're the one with a picky stomach, sweetie." Jinhwan's eyebrows furrow in concern. Chanwoo's the pickiest eater the team has ever seen, but Jinhwan and Yunhyeong are probably the most patient people ever. They follow whatever Chanwoo wants and sometimes Chanwoo feels bad, but he's grateful that they're willing to let him have his way in regards of food.
"I don't really know what I wanna eat."
"Okay." Jinhwan nods. "But just let me know if you think up of something."
"Okay." Chanwoo replies, nodding.
At dinner, Hanbin declares he wants some spicy kimchi jjigae, and that's what they all agree to get. Chanwoo is hungry, but he doesn't like kimchi nor can he eat spicy stuff. So he turns down their offer for dinner, and opts to play games in bed instead, ignoring his rumbling stomach.
For some reason, he's not feeling the best today. Everything they say irritates him and he doesn't want to start snapping at them, so here he is, playing games in bed. He's hungry, and he knows there will be no food left when he goes to the kitchen later that night, but he's not in the mood to eat food, let alone deal with their voices.
Donghyuk and Junhwe are laughing loudly, and Bobby is complaining about something, but Chanwoo only turns his back to the door. Everything they do just seems wrong and ugh, he doesn't know why he's boiling with anger today. The past few weeks had just been hard and painful and he needs to calm down.
"Chanwoo." Jinhwan knocks on the door softly. "I brought you dinner."
"No thank you!" Chanwoo yells.
"You haven't eaten all day. You said you wanted to eat later when I asked you just earlier, so I bought you some bibimbap."
"I don't wanna eat. I'm sleepy." Chanwoo replies, still focused on his game. He can hear Jinhwan come in and put down his food on the bedside table.
"You have to eat. At least just a bit so you can sleep better."
"I can sleep just fine." Chanwoo replies, sounding harsher than he intended, and Jinhwan puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Well, someone else is going to finish your food if you don't eat it."
"I don't like kimchi jjigae."
Jinhwan sighs. "I know, but this isn't kimchi jjigae. Baby, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." Chanwoo pushes Jinhwan's hand away from his shoulder. "Just leave me alone, I want to sleep."
"Something is on your mind and you're not telling me what. Speak."
Chanwoo groans. "Hyung! Just leave me alone, okay?"
"No, I won't leave until you tell me what's bothering you."
Chanwoo only sighs.
"Is it me?"
"It's everyone and everything." Chanwoo replies.
"So tell me about everyone and everything." Jinhwan pats his back patiently, and Chanwoo sighs again, trying to hold back tears.
"I'm tired of everything. I just need a break. I want it to stop for a while and I want to breathe for a bit." Chanwoo buries his face in his pillows, his phone abandoned by his pillow. "I just need to be alone for a while."
Chanwoo thinks, Jinhwan wouldn't know how it feels. Chanwoo doesn't expect anybody to know how it feels to just want everything to pause for a while.
"You know we're always here for you, right?" Jinhwan asks, voice soft and quiet. "You don't have to be alone, but if that's what you want, then I'll tell them to give you some space."
"Thank you." He feels the bed rise as Jinhwan stands up to leave, and when he he hears the door click close, he smiles.
He's happy to know that they'll always be here for him.
Rating: g
Pairing(s): gen
Length: 4596
Summary: Chanwoo starts to trust them, little by little.
Warnings: un-edited.
Notes: Written for exchangekon
6.
The thing about Junhwe is, he says things he doesn't mean. All the time. He's a big talker. He doesn't think before he speaks. His brain-to-mouth filter is nonexistent, Jinhwan would say with a laugh. It can make him pretty hilarious sometimes, blurting things out without thinking and speaking his mind honestly, but it's the same thing that can hurt people. Words are as sharp as a cleaver.
And sure, he says nice things sometimes, when it's quiet at night, and there's only the two of them. He's quietly very sensitive, caring for everyone in silence and small, unnoticeable ways that somehow still makes a difference, but Chanwoo still can't tell if he's being sincere or acting whenever he does it to him. Why would he help Chanwoo? Why would he comfort Chanwoo?
He still remembers when Junhwe called him a freeloader, after all.
"You got this." Junhwe pats his back.
Chanwoo looks at Junhwe, who's smiling at him like he really, really believes in Chanwoo. Alright, maybe Junhwe's helped him through a lot of things. Vocal practice with Junhwe is always fun, because Junhwe is always trying to help him out, and encouraging him, and in general just being a really nice friend. That, or just being a good teammate, which is different. Good teammates do it because they have to, because they're in the same team, for the sake of teamwork. Good friends do it because they mean it.
And okay, to be fair, maybe he should forget about the whole "freeloader" thing--that was years ago. Junhwe isn't like that anymore, right? Of course Junhwe would say that back then, they were competing after all. He understands Junhwe's feelings. But why is it he can't stop thinking about those words whenever Junhwe praises or encourages him?
"Junhwe, will you be honest with me?" Chanwoo asks, voice quiet and serious. Junhwe raises an eyebrow, hitting space on his laptop to stop the music.
"Yeah, shoot. What is it?"
"Do I sound bad?" Chanwoo asks, and Junhwe's face turns from surprise, to confusion, to concern.
"What do you mean?" He asks, voice lowering to the same volume as Chanwoo. It's quiet, save for the clock ticking behind Junhwe, a little past 1 AM, yet the cramped studio room they've chosen to sit in is still as bright as it is at 1 PM.
"I mean," Chanwoo bites his lips, "I sound weird, don't I?"
"You mean your singing voice?" Junhwe asks, tone careful, and Chanwoo can see the gears working in his head, trying to make sense of the situation and handle it as best as he can. Honestly, Junhwe's never really good at his own feelings. He's still got a long way to go before he can handle another person's feelings, but this is Junhwe. He never backs down from a good challenge.
"Yeah. My singing voice." Chanwoo answers after a while, looking down at his lyrics paper. "You think I don't sound good, right?"
"What? Of course not! I mean--yes! I--of course you sound good!" Junhwe stumbles over his words. It's hilarious, really. But Chanwoo sees the panic in Junhwe's expression, and he looks away. Junhwe's an open book. It's quite easy to read him, but sometimes people look too deep and end up missing the meaning entirely. Junhwe is, to be honest, a simple person.
"That's okay. Thanks for being honest." Chanwoo nods, a small smile on his lips.
"No problem...?" Junhwe tilts his head in confusion. Chanwoo presses the spacebar and the song starts again.
"Shall we give it another try?" Chanwoo asks, sounding a little more down than before, but Junhwe doesn't seem to notice. He just nods.
"Uh, yeah, go ahead." But Chanwoo can see he's distracted for the rest of their session. His expression says 'What the hell just happened?' but his voice stays firm as he guides Chanwoo through the song.
Two lines. That's all Chanwoo has. But it's been almost two hours now, and Junhwe is still teaching him.
"Aren't you tired?" Chanwoo suddenly asks in the middle of their second hour.
"Are you?" Junhwe asks back, distracted as he clicks on his laptop to rewind the song from the start. He raises an eyebrow at Chanwoo.
"Not really... I mean, aren't you tired of having to keep teaching me my lines on every song? Even if I only have one line?"
Junhwe frowns. "I don't mind doing this, maknae. What are you trying to get at? You know, you've been really weird from earlier."
Chanwoo shrugs. "Sorry. It's nothing. Forget about it."
"Chanwoo, how long has it been since I first met you?"
Chanwoo opens his mouth to answer, but Junhwe cuts him before he can give an answer.
"Don't answer that. You know how long. And how long have we been friends? Don't answer that, either, I'm sure you know. The point is, you know me. I'd never think of you as a burden. That's what this is about, right?" Junhwe sighs, hands rubbing Chanwoo's back softly.
"Um." Chanwoo blinks at his lyrics paper.
"Don't think about it, okay? There's a time for everything." Junhwe says with a firm nod, and Chanwoo nods back at him slowly.
"And hey. I mean it. You don't sound bad or weird--everyone has their own color."
And Chanwoo finds himself believing those words that he'd never expect to hear from Junhwe's lips.
---
5.
Donghyuk is an angel sent from heaven.
Perhaps, even 'an angel sent from heaven' is an understatement. Donghyuk is warm and sweet. All smiles and sunshine and happiness. The nicest person Chanwoo has ever had the luck of crossing paths with in his life.
When they first met, Donghyuk had told him to drop the honorifics and asked him to be friends, even though Donghyuk is more than a year older than him. Automatically, that made Junhwe and Jinhyeong become friends with Chanwoo as well. Donghyuk had been the one to listen to his problems and help him out with his dance steps. He helped Chanwoo settle in with everyone and always made sure Chanwoo was fitting in well, and that he wasn't uncomfortable. He congratulated Chanwoo when he made it in as the 6th member, even though Donghyuk himself was unsure of his future with the group at that point. When Chanwoo felt like he had trampled on other people's dreams to achieve his own, Donghyuk had comforted him and told him it was fine, that Chanwoo didn't have to worry, and all that mattered was that Chanwoo had made it. He would invite Chanwoo to his bed at night to watch movies on his laptop. He would make food for Chanwoo and give him massages. He'd let Chanwoo joke around with him and let the maknae push him around. Donghyuk gave him his all.
And to this day, Donghyuk still does it all. Still comforts Chanwoo when he's down. Still lets Chanwoo push him around.
Sometimes, Chanwoo wonders if he isn't good enough. He pales in comparison to Donghyuk. Who wouldn't, really? Donghyuk is bright and warm, perfect and lovable, and while everyone claims him just to be as lovely, Chanwoo knows he's not like Donghyuk. And he never will be.
Sometimes, Chanwoo is too afraid to talk to Donghyuk. Afraid that the bright sun will burn this lone leaf, afraid that it will be too warm for this little snowflake.
But most of all, he's afraid of being compared.
Because Chanwoo is nothing like Donghyuk's precise, fluid moves, or his high-pitched voice. Because he can't quite master a second language like Donghyuk can. Because he'll never be good enough.
So here he is, in front of the practice room mirror, lying down. He's tired and sleepy but he wants to perfect this one move he can't seem to do, but then Donghyuk is opening the door quietly.
"Come home. It's 3 AM." Donghyuk says, voice quiet. Chanwoo turns to look at him, and Donghyuk is walking closer.
"I made snacks." Donghyuk adds, extending an arm towards Chanwoo with that bright, yet soft smile he gives everyone when he knows they're not feeling well. Chanwoo grabs his hand and stands up with him, Donghyuk wrapping his small, skinny arms around Chanwoo's big torso, but he's warm and he's all that Chanwoo needs.
"It's gonna be okay."
He's all Chanwoo needs.
---
4.
Hanbin is a very straightforward person, and Chanwoo likes it. Because Chanwoo was never really good at processing unnecessary words lest he ends up missing the point completely. Hanbin never beats around the bush and his words cut through their hearts like a razor blade--he doesn't need to press that hard to get a reaction, because sometimes, a soft graze is all they really need.
But what Chanwoo doesn't like is how quick tempered Hanbin is. Chanwoo can be very slow at processing things when it's late, and he's sick and tired, so that's when Hanbin loses his temper and starts screaming, which just adds to Chanwoo's list of "things that made me tired today".
It's days like these where all Chanwoo wants to do is just curl up in his bed and sleep.
"God, move out a little bit. Don't take Donghyuk's space." Hanbin sighs, tired and long-suffering, and Chanwoo nods.
Jinhwan spares a glance at Chanwoo before looking forward once again. Hanbin restarts the song, taking off his cap in frustration and musses his own hair.
Hanbin's face is as easy to read as Junhwe's is. He's tired, he's angry, he's running on 3 cans of Redbull and 2 cans of Pringles, and he's ready to explode. Chanwoo never wants to be there when he explodes, but ever since he joined the team, he almost always is. He's a perfectionist to the core, and Chanwoo's the one ruining his picture.
"Stop." Hanbin no longer screams, voice quiet yet stern as he stops the song and everyone halts. Chanwoo is disappointed in himself, and everyone looks at him with exhaustion clear in their faces. Chanwoo understands. They just want to go home, take a nice warm shower, and sleep, but Chanwoo is messing up again. Jinhwan tries to give him a reassuring smile, but to Chanwoo, it comes off as exasperated.
"I told you so many times!" Hanbin sighs for the thousandth time that hour, and plops down defeated on the floor. "I don't understand why you keep doing this!"
"I'm sorry." Chanwoo bites his lip.
"Are you even trying?"
"Alright, alright." Bobby cuts in, taking Hanbin by the shoulder and dragging him up. "Let's get some air."
Hanbin means well. He just wants the best for the team, and he's got a lot of weight on his shoulders already. Chanwoo may not know the full extent of it, but Jinhwan does, and how often Jinhwan goes to fetch Hanbin in the studio at 3 AM is proof enough to Chanwoo that there's much more that he hasn't seen, and probably never will. Hanbin is made of steel, Chanwoo is sure, but even steel breaks under pressure.
Tears rise up, and Chanwoo's just so tired that he lets it go without much thought. He walks out after Hanbin and Bobby, sniffling as he wipes snot and tears on his towel. Hanbin is alone, though, Bobby nowhere to be seen and the leader looks up as soon as he hears the practice room door close.
"Chanwoo?"
"I'm sorry." Chanwoo mumbles, head bowed down.
"I'm sorry, too." Hanbin says, voice quiet as he pulls Chanwoo in for a hug. "We're all tired."
"But that's no excuse for me to mess up."
A part of Chanwoo is still stuck in that survival mindset of "you're not trying hard enough, so keep pushing" and "they're all better than you, why did you stop?", so Hanbin has to constantly pull him out of it, remind him that he just gets a little frustrated at the maknae sometimes and that no, Chanwoo doesn't have to work too hard to prove himself, because he's already proven enough. Because here he is, with the 6 of them, and that means he is, at the very least, on par with them in terms of skills.
"Hey, we all get tired, don't we? So let's go home and rest, and we can do this again tomorrow, okay?"
"No, I--" Chanwoo protests, but Hanbin cuts him off.
"No buts." Hanbin frowns, patting Chanwoo's head. "We're going home."
"But hyung, I want to make it perfect for you." Chanwoo says, voice shaky and eyes glassy, but all Hanbin does is pat his back with a smile, and say,
"You don't have to. Everything is already perfect with you."
Sometimes, Chanwoo wonders if he really deserves these nice words.
---
3.
As tough as Bobby might seem, he's actually a very quiet, very polite, family-oriented person. And to him, iKON is his second family, so of course he treats them nicely and gets hurt easily whenever they don't treat him well.
But they can never do Bobby wrong, somehow. He's friendly and takes everything in stride. He's very rarely ever angry, and he lets Chanwoo push him around, play games with him, and that's why playing with Bobby is so much fun. His jokes aren't that funny, they're rather dry, but his laugh and enthusiasm makes up for it. Chanwoo always finds himself at least smiling when Bobby cracks a joke.
He's all tough cookie, but behind that exterior, he's got a soft heart.
He dotes on Chanwoo and takes care of him like he's his child. Even scolds him like he's his son. The disappointed father look may seem hilarious to the rest, but to Chanwoo it's terrifying. He's scared of Bobby, but Bobby can never be too angry at someone for too long, so at the same time, he keeps wanting to be terrified of Bobby.
He's always been the nicest when Chanwoo and Jinhyeong first came in. He tells them anecdotes of the group, and then when Hongseok came in, tried to include him, too. Chanwoo looks up to him. He became someone Chanwoo really adores and, someday, wants to be like. Kind, loving, selfless. That’s why he hates disappointing Bobby the most.
Bobby really, really enjoys playing around with Chanwoo. They're natural enemies, he'd say. Chanwoo is cute and full of energy even after a long day, doesn't like losing, and he's willing. Bobby would ask him to download a game and he would, then he'd master it and win against Bobby. Perhaps it was that same energy that gave him his position in iKON.
Bobby is also caring and thoughtful. He gives Chanwoo everything--snacks from the convenience store, clothes that he's worn and thought would fit Chanwoo better, small gifts whenever he goes overseas, food whenever he comes back from a schedule. No matter how troublesome, no matter how tired he is, he makes time for Chanwoo. He makes sure Chanwoo is happy. There's nothing Chanwoo hasn't received from Bobby.
Sadly, when it comes to singing lines, Bobby doesn't have the final say.
"It's okay, champ. You'll get it next time." Bobby pats his back. Chanwoo nods.
"Yeah."
"I know how hard you practiced for that line." Bobby's eyebrows furrow in concern as they walk down the hall towards the company's cafeteria.
"That's okay. I'm sure Junhwe will do better at it."
"Baby." Bobby frowns. "You did really good."
"I guess it wasn't good enough." Chanwoo shrugs. "It's okay, I'll get over it."
"I'm sorry." Bobby hugs him.
"Why are you sorry, hyung?"
"Because you deserve it."
"No, I didn't!" Chanwoo pouts. "I just didn't work hard enough, that's why it didn't sound good. So I don't deserve it."
"Hey." Bobby looks angry, a frown on his face and eyebrows furrowing even more. His eyes squint at Chanwoo.
Somehow, Chanwoo thinks he's done something wrong, and fumbles to come up with an apology. He's not sure what he did wrong, but an angry Bobby is never good. Is it because he didn't get the line?
"Don't say you don't deserve it, because you do."
"Wh-Why?" Chanwoo stutters in surprise, wide eyes staring innocently at Bobby.
"Because you deserve it. You deserve everything. You deserve the world and more. I'm not just saying this, you know. I mean it." Bobby says firmly, a hand on Chanwoo's shoulder, and Chanwoo can't help but smile a little.
"Really?"
"Really." Bobby nods with a smile on his face, and Chanwoo breaks out into a grin.
He'll get it. One day.
---
2.
Yunhyeong is Chanwoo's #1 confidante. He knows all of Chanwoo's deepest, darkest secrets, and never once has he judged Chanwoo for them. He knows all of Chanwoo's insecurities, and he knows all of Chanwoo's nightmares. When it's late and Chanwoo feels like breaking down, he curls up next to Yunhyeong or asks him to make food, and everything will be okay.
Yunhyeong knows how to make everything better.
He's soft and fun and caring, just like Bobby, except he's less loud. Where Bobby talks, he listens. Chanwoo loves that. Loves that he can tell Yunhyeong anything and Yunhyeong will listen, will let Chanwoo ramble on until he's tired and has driven himself to a corner and back and only then will Yunhyeong say, "You'll be fine. I'm right here for you."
He gets why Junhwe and Donghyuk likes hanging around Yunhyeong a lot. Why Donghyuk is always hanging off Yunhyeong's shoulder, or why Junhwe constantly pulls him aside and clings on to him some days. Because after a while, Chanwoo also felt that way--felt the need to hang on to Yunhyeong. When Bobby, Hanbin, and Jinhwan are busy and shutting everyone out, Yunhyeong is always there for them. To listen to them, or have fun with them. Take care of them and dote on them. He's good at caring for everyone and making sure everyone is fine. He's good at keeping the maknaes in line and Chanwoo loves that about him, loves that he cares so much about all of them.
Chanwoo hasn't had any nightmares or breakdowns since before their debut, but for some reason, tonight is different. He feels weird and tired and sluggish from all the practicing. He needs sleep but for some reason, sleep just would not come.
So here he is, listening to Yunhyeong breathe quietly, back turned to Chanwoo, and Chanwoo taps quietly at Yunhyeong's shoulders. Yunhyeong hums and turns around, surprised to find Chanwoo next to him.
"What's wrong?" His eyebrows immediately furrow in concern, eyes blinking blearily at Chanwoo.
“Nothing.” Chanwoo answers, voice quiet as he curls up and closes his eyes. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“You wanna talk about it?” Yunhyeong offers, his voice slightly raspy from sleep. He runs his fingers through Chanwoo’s hair but Chanwoo shakes his head.
“It’s fine.”
“Okay…” Yunhyeong doesn’t sound convinced but he lets it pass.
The next day, though, Yunhyeong will not leave Chanwoo’s side. He offers to accompany Chanwoo wherever the young boy went--the kitchen, the bedroom, the convenience store--and Chanwoo’s pretty sure it was because of last night. Yunhyeong’s worried, but Chanwoo doesn’t know how to ease his worries because he himself doesn’t know what’s going on. His mind’s a disorganized mess, and he just can’t seem to sort himself out so he can talk to someone about it.
Yunhyeong is persistent, follows Chanwoo around and tries to start conversations. Chanwoo really wishes he can talk about it. But he kind of likes the fact that Yunhyeong is trying so hard and Chanwoo thinks this is why Yunhyeong is his favorite hyung, because he tries the hardest to get into Chanwoo’s world and understand him and comfort him. Chanwoo’s not that good at reaching out, and he likes it better this way. Yunhyeong’s the only one willing to keep pushing when Chanwoo shuts everyone out.
And now here they are again, in Yunhyeong’s bed, warm and cuddled up after a long day. Yunhyeong is absentmindedly petting Chanwoo’s hair while he replies to texts, and Chanwoo is looking at his own phone, scrolling through group chat messages.
“So, you wanna talk about it?” Yunhyeong casually asks, still reading and replying texts, and Chanwoo sighs, locking his phone.
“Talk about what?” Chanwoo asks, eyes closing when Yunhyeong scratches softly at his scalp. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“You don’t have to talk about anything.” Yunhyeong replies, the sound of his typing filling the silence before he continues. “I don’t know what’s on your mind, but if it’s bothering you, maybe you should talk about it.”
Chanwoo looks up at Yunhyeong.
“Maybe.” Yunhyeong repeats, trying to reassure Chanwoo.
“I feel… Tired.” Chanwoo blinks up at Yunhyeong.
“Everybody feels that way sometimes.” Yunhyeong shrugs. “But it’s okay.”
“Hmm.” Chanwoo replies, distracted. Bobby is spamming their group chat with emoticon stickers and Chanwoo stares at a sticker for too long that Yunhyeong notices.
“Hey. If you need to talk about anything, I’m here.”
Chanwoo nods. “Just don’t feel like talking about it now.”
“That’s cool. I’m always here. You can talk to me about it next year and I’ll still be here.”
Chanwoo smiles at that.
---
1.
The first time Chanwoo met Jinhwan, he had thought that the older boy was indifferent about him. He didn't care whether or not Chanwoo was there--as long as he didn't disturb the team, Jinhwan would remain that way about Chanwoo. Indifferent, cold, a little harsh. When it came to the team, he can be mean. And Chanwoo decided he didn't really like Jinhwan.
As time went on, Chanwoo found out more about Jinhwan. He's nice, and caring, and everyone messes around with him a lot, and he doesn't mind--he lets them push him around and joke with him and he's okay with that. Chanwoo decides, maybe Jinhwan isn't that cold.
He would quietly ask Chanwoo if he's eaten yet, if he needs anything, if he wants to talk, if he wants to ask something. Chanwoo found it weird. He didn't expect Jinhwan to act like that. In his mind, Jinhwan isn't like that.
Chanwoo learns, that day, that he shouldn't jump to conclusions.
Jinhwan is also very sensitive and gets emotional a lot. Chanwoo is careful around him, but Jinhwan is even more careful around Chanwoo. He pays attention to how Chanwoo reacts to everything they do. He pays attention to what Chanwoo does when he's feeling a certain way. He pays attention to Chanwoo, and not a lot of people do that.
He doesn't only do that to Chanwoo, no. He does it to everyone else. To Hanbin, Bobby, Junhwe, Donghyuk, even Yunhyeong, who doesn't appear to cling onto Jinhwan as much as the rest does. But that doesn't make it any less special--Chanwoo likes that Jinhwan quietly observes him. He likes that Jinhwan's perceptive, and picks up quickly on Chanwoo's signs.
Perhaps that's how Jinhwan notices how Chanwoo is feeling today.
"Hey Chanwoo." Jinhwan casually greets, and Chanwoo smiles back in greeting at him.
"Hey, hyung."
Chanwoo opens the fridge and looks around. None of the food piques his appetite, and he opens the freezer just to be sure. He closes it and starts rummaging through the cupboards.
"Hungry?"
"Kind of." Chanwoo shrugs.
"Want a snack?" Jinhwan asks, offering a bag of squid chips--Bobby's favorite, and he would he sad if someone ate them, but Jinhwan has a way with everyone on the team, and Bobby will surely forgive him. Chanwoo shakes his head.
"It's fine. Maybe I'll eat later, when I'm more hungry." Chanwoo replies.
"Okay then. Do you want anything for dinner?" Jinhwan asks, and Chanwoo takes the seat across Jinhwan, whos muching on Bobby's squid chips.
"Anything is fine."
"Are you sure? You're the one with a picky stomach, sweetie." Jinhwan's eyebrows furrow in concern. Chanwoo's the pickiest eater the team has ever seen, but Jinhwan and Yunhyeong are probably the most patient people ever. They follow whatever Chanwoo wants and sometimes Chanwoo feels bad, but he's grateful that they're willing to let him have his way in regards of food.
"I don't really know what I wanna eat."
"Okay." Jinhwan nods. "But just let me know if you think up of something."
"Okay." Chanwoo replies, nodding.
At dinner, Hanbin declares he wants some spicy kimchi jjigae, and that's what they all agree to get. Chanwoo is hungry, but he doesn't like kimchi nor can he eat spicy stuff. So he turns down their offer for dinner, and opts to play games in bed instead, ignoring his rumbling stomach.
For some reason, he's not feeling the best today. Everything they say irritates him and he doesn't want to start snapping at them, so here he is, playing games in bed. He's hungry, and he knows there will be no food left when he goes to the kitchen later that night, but he's not in the mood to eat food, let alone deal with their voices.
Donghyuk and Junhwe are laughing loudly, and Bobby is complaining about something, but Chanwoo only turns his back to the door. Everything they do just seems wrong and ugh, he doesn't know why he's boiling with anger today. The past few weeks had just been hard and painful and he needs to calm down.
"Chanwoo." Jinhwan knocks on the door softly. "I brought you dinner."
"No thank you!" Chanwoo yells.
"You haven't eaten all day. You said you wanted to eat later when I asked you just earlier, so I bought you some bibimbap."
"I don't wanna eat. I'm sleepy." Chanwoo replies, still focused on his game. He can hear Jinhwan come in and put down his food on the bedside table.
"You have to eat. At least just a bit so you can sleep better."
"I can sleep just fine." Chanwoo replies, sounding harsher than he intended, and Jinhwan puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Well, someone else is going to finish your food if you don't eat it."
"I don't like kimchi jjigae."
Jinhwan sighs. "I know, but this isn't kimchi jjigae. Baby, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." Chanwoo pushes Jinhwan's hand away from his shoulder. "Just leave me alone, I want to sleep."
"Something is on your mind and you're not telling me what. Speak."
Chanwoo groans. "Hyung! Just leave me alone, okay?"
"No, I won't leave until you tell me what's bothering you."
Chanwoo only sighs.
"Is it me?"
"It's everyone and everything." Chanwoo replies.
"So tell me about everyone and everything." Jinhwan pats his back patiently, and Chanwoo sighs again, trying to hold back tears.
"I'm tired of everything. I just need a break. I want it to stop for a while and I want to breathe for a bit." Chanwoo buries his face in his pillows, his phone abandoned by his pillow. "I just need to be alone for a while."
Chanwoo thinks, Jinhwan wouldn't know how it feels. Chanwoo doesn't expect anybody to know how it feels to just want everything to pause for a while.
"You know we're always here for you, right?" Jinhwan asks, voice soft and quiet. "You don't have to be alone, but if that's what you want, then I'll tell them to give you some space."
"Thank you." He feels the bed rise as Jinhwan stands up to leave, and when he he hears the door click close, he smiles.
He's happy to know that they'll always be here for him.