one day baby we'll be old [2/2]

[chanyeolanda]

prev
i_wonder_rodriguez.mp3

the room was dark, and yugyeom kind of missed the old nightlight throwing carefree colours on the walls, but all he was left with was the sound of bambam shifting around in his bed on the other side of the room.

'you think it's yours.'

maybe he forgot to phrase it as a question as he lay on his back, darkness moving in squares on the ceiling.

'what?' bambam's voice was quiet.

'don't pretend you don't know what i'm talking about.'

there was a silence.

'what does it matter, anyway. it's not like she's keeping it.'

'do you want her to?'

another pause, and yugyeom wondered what his own answer would be in that situation.

'no,' bambam admitted on an exhale. 'even if the choice was mine to make, no. it would ruin everything, and besides, i'm nowhere near ready to be- for that.'

yugyeom gave a quiet hum.

'you never told me.' yugyeom's voice was barely audible, but he knew bambam had heard.

'how was i supposed to tell you?' came the answer, bordering on defensive.

'oh, i don't know, hey yugyeom, i slept with yerin, maybe, i think that would have done the job,' yugyeom bit back sarcastically, and he heard bambam shift and sit up in his bed.

'are you kidding me? the first secret you ever told me was that you liked her-'

'thought i liked her,' yugyeom interrupted.

'-whatever, i mean, it wasn't much of a secret anyway. i didn't want to hurt you.' bambam was barely keeping his voice low, struggling.

yugyeom stared at the ceiling a bit more, as if it would tell him what to say. 'are you guys dating or something?' his voice was calm again.

'no!' bambam exclaimed, slapping a hand over his mouth at the volume, followed by a quietly muttered 'shit'. 'no,' he continued, at a lower register, 'nothing like that, we were drunk, it didn't mean anything, it only happened once. or twice.' the guilt rang clear in his afterthought, and yugyeom pushed himself up onto his elbows.

'twice?' he hissed in sharp surprise.

'it didn't mean anything,' bambam repeated insistently, 'it just kind of happened.'

'because that kind of thing just kind of happens.'

'fuck, yugyeom, what do you want me to say? it happened, i have absolutely no intention of it happening again, and yeah, this kinda thing does just kind of happen, you're acting as if i did this on purpose to fucking spite you.' bambam's voice was sharp and irritable, even as he kept it quiet.

yugyeom closed his eyes and breathed deeply, in, out, in, out, fingers clenching in his sheets in annoyance until he was able to relax.

'i don't want to fight,' he said tiredly.

'i don't want you to be angry at me for sleeping with yerin,' bambam said in a small voice, 'i didn't want to hurt you, i had no idea this would happen.'

'i'm not angry you slept with her,' yugyeom admitted, 'it... doesn't bother me that much. not really. i just... i don't know, bam, it kinda hurts you didn't tell me.'

'sorry,' bambam whispered after a few beats.

the room lapsed into silence again, distant sounds of a car driving past filtering through the window.

'bam?' yugyeom whispered, 'are you okay?'

the silence stretched on and yugyeom wondered if bambam had actually fallen asleep.

'i'm trying not to freak out,' bambam's answering murmur came. 'i don't need to freak out, she's sorting it out, i just. i can't help it.'

'have you spoken to her?'

'no,' bambam said on a sigh. 'i keep opening up her contact, and starting to write something, but then i delete it all. i don't know what to say to her, like. what do you say? sorry? did she even want me to know? i don't know. do you think i should?'

'i don't know,' yugyeom replied truthfully, 'i don't know what you'd say.'

'do i send her flowers after? maybe chocolates,' bambam continued, and yugyeom stifled a laugh.

'dude, it's not funny,' he said, forcing his face into a straight expression.

bambam gave a desperate burst of laughter. 'it really isn't.'

exhaustion was starting to overtake yugyeom, and he thought bambam was probably in the same boat as he heard him yawning.

'hey, yugyeom?' bambam whispered.

'yeah?'

there was another pause before bambam continued. 'thanks for not hating me.'

'i could never hate you, bambam.'

white_lights_gorillaz.mp3

yugyeom was close to blitzed, the music muffled in his ears, the alcohol surging through his veins, the world tilting to keep him upright.

the club was packed, and he probably wasn't supposed to be here, but he'd just needed to get out, something unidentifiable itching at him get away from the dorm, and he'd lost the friends he'd met here, and he made a half attempt to look for them in the crowd, smoke billowing from the smoke machines, strobe lights making everything stop motion.

'kim yugyeom-ssi?' someone said, and he whirled around, stumbling a little, eyes darting around.

it was a girl, maybe about his age, maybe older, squinting at him, blurring into two. 'aren't you got7's yugyeom?' she asked and panic started to rise in him as he shook his head blindly.

'no,' he fumbled over the words, 'that's not me.'

bile rose in his throat and he made a dash for it before she could speak again, before she could look closer, pushing through the people, needing to get out, needing to get sober, needing to get home, what had he been thinking?

noyoung picked him up after a desperate phonecall and yugyeom endured the lecture silently all the way home, resting his forehead against the cool glass of the window.

yugyeom didn't know how he looked, couldn't make eye contact with noyoung, but by the way jaebum's evident anger subsided after he took one look at yugyeom and noyoung as yugyeom tripped over shoes and noyoung muttered furiously behind him, yugyeom guessed he wasn't a pretty sight.

he muttered a stream of sorry's as he passed his hyungs, head bowed. he stumbled and jackson caught his arm, preventing him from falling, and yugyeom stood still for a second to gain his bearings, head swirling, the floor blurring at his feet every so often.

'dude, are you okay?' jackson asked in a low voice, and yugyeom glanced up to meet concerned eyes, looking away again as he nodded.

'just drank too much,' he managed.

'you sure?'

he nodded. 'sorry for worrying you.'

'as long as our giant baby is okay,' jackson said, doubt colouring his words and yugyeom turned to wrap his arms around him, something inside of him letting go, just wanting to be taken care of, even if he didn't know why.

lime_tree_bright_eyes.mp3

yerin didn't come into the company for a little while, 'family emergency' being the excuse floating around. jimin had the most variety bookings anyway, yugyeom thought, and it's not like yerin really needed to practice.

she was back sooner than he expected, casual comments of 'yerinnie's back' reaching his ears during practice, and he got out of there as soon as was polite when the choreographer dismissed them, ignoring jinyoung's teasing comments.

he found her nodding as one of the vocal coaches spoke to her, small smile on her face. she didn't see him, not until the vocal coach had already greeted and left.

'hey,' he said, his voice sounding strange in his ears as she turned around, startled. 'long time no see.'

her face crumpled and she hurried to wrap her arms around him, her tears mingling with the sweat already dampening his shirt. all he could do was wrap his arms around her and shuffle them into the nearest vocal room, letting her cry as he rubbed soothing circles on her back, trying to push the words 'it'll all be okay, i've got you' past the lump in his own throat.

'maybe you should ask if your next song can be a sad ballad,' he whispered when her sobs started to subside into sniffles and choked breaths. 'guarantee you'll win all the awards.'

yerin let out a wet laugh into his chest and stepped back, wiping at her eyes.

'i'd rather sing a happy song,' she said with sniff, and yugyeom wanted to reach out and hold her again. 'maybe if i sing it i'll feel it.'

'do you regret it?' he asked softly and she shook her head.

'i wish it hadn't needed to be done in the first place, but i don't regret it. i've worked too hard for everything.'

yugyeom nodded. 'are you okay?'

she nodded, then shrugged. 'i don't know? yes, but then also no.' she sat down heavily on the piano stool. 'i don't know.'

yugyeom glanced over as the door opened, bambam slipping into the room slowly.

'hi,' he said and yerin gave a half nod.

'hi.'

'you guys probably need to talk,' yugyeom said a little awkwardly, starting to move towards the door- but bambam turned slightly panicked eyes on him and yerin grabbed his hand and he felt his resolve crumble, relenting easily with her fingers winding through his.

'you know?' yerin asked, her voice even softer than usual, and yugyeom nodded mutely, his stomach twisting into knots. 'then stay.' she looked at bambam, but didn't let go of yugyeom's hand.

no one said anything, and yugyeom didn't want to call the silence a pregnant one, but suddenly he couldn't think of another way to describe it and he wanted to laugh, even if he didn't feel particularly amused. he just needed something to happen, anything was better than yerin rubbing her thumb absently against his hand, staring at her lap while bambam stared at the floor, hands in his pockets, eyes darting up to look at her.

yerin was the one who eventually broke the silence.

'i probably should have told you myself. sorry.'

bambam shrugged. 'don't be. you have no obligation to me.'

'you're not angry at me?' yugyeom squeezed her hand tighter at the smallness of her voice.

bambam shook his head. 'why would i be angry at you? i just wanted to check if you were okay.'

yugyeom hadn't even realised she was tense until her shoulders relaxed and he wanted to kick himself for being so unaware and then she was looking up at bambam.

'i'm okay,' she said, 'right now, i'm okay.'

tequila_the_champs.mp3

when they got to mexico, yugyeom said he wasn't drinking- which meant that he didn't drink enough to be approaching legless, and was put in charge of talking mark out of trying to somersault into the hotel pool.

'i can do it!' mark insisted.

'do it!' jinyoung yelled.

'no!' yugyeom protested, laughing, 'hyung, you'll kill yourself!'

'i am the flying member,' mark informed him solemnly, before collapsing into giggles.

'not the swimming member. and you can't drink any more,' yugyeom told him firmly.

mark wrinkled his nose. 'it'd only just started to taste good.'

'you're the eldest, hyung, aren't you meant to be the most responsible?' yugyeom said helplessly, the logic making sense to his liquor soaked brain.

'jaebum's the leader,' mark replied, as if it were answer enough, and, as yugyeom decided to go and lock the room door as a safeguard, he supposed it was.

the next morning found yugyeom waking up with an elbow digging into his spine, and as he dislodged jinyoung and looked around, seeing every one piled on top of each other, he wondered if there'd been an impromptu group bonding session after he'd fallen asleep.

(jackson told him later that no one had been able to figure out how to unlatch the door to get to their own rooms in the state they'd been in, and yugyeom laughed delightedly until they were well in the air.)

bloodstream_ed_sheeran.mp3

jimin's birthday meant lots of people milling around, music thumping, yugyeom allowing his bones to sink into a couch, peacefully watching the crowds, opiate-laced smoke coating his insides, beer bottle hanging idly from his hand.

he felt the couch move as someone sat down next to him and he looked over to see yerin, and returned her soft smile.

'hey,' he said, 'not partying?'

she gave a half shrug. 'needed a little break.' he nodded slowly, and lifted his arm, tugging her in to cuddle into his side, his arm resting heavily on her shoulder.

'how've you been doing?' he asked, not sure when they'd last actually spoken, and he felt her shift, getting slightly more comfortable.

'not bad,' she replied, 'getting better every day.' he hummed in approval. 'you?'

he considered the question for a bit, contemplating every possibility. 'i'm alright,' he decided finally, 'i think. yeah, i'm pretty good, for the most part.' he turned his head to smile languidly at her. 'nothing i can't handle. just busy.'

she was so close, he could almost count her eyelashes if he cared to, her hair bunching up where it was caught under his arm, and he lifted his arm a bit to move it out the way, his fingers getting caught in it.

she allowed him, eyes fixed on his face, and he slowed his swipes at her hair, studying her face. he leaned forward on impulse, old curiosity fuelling the movement, until he kissed her gently, his lips dry, the kiss chaste.

he kissed her again, once, twice more, kissing a little firmer, because she wasn't pushing him away and he was trying to figure it out, trying to figure out how it felt. he'd wanted this for years, and yet... nothing. it was nice, and he wouldn't mind doing it again, but it was nothing special.

he felt her hands on his chest, felt her break away and he pulled back, allowing his arm to fall.

'stop,' she whispered, 'i'm sorry, i can't. i shouldn't have- i don't-'

'it's okay,' he said, 'i'm the one who should be sorry- i am sorry, i shouldn't have kissed you, i don't even know why i did. i'm sorry.'

'it's just... i don't see you like that, yugyeom. i never have,' she explained, as if she needed to. 'i'm sorry.' she moved to get up, and he caught her wrist.

'don't leave, don't- it's fine, just stay here, don't... just forget it happened.' he looked up at her. 'i don't know why i kissed you, it didn't- don't let it make it weird. i know you don't like me like that. it's never bothered me before, and i'm not about to let it now. it was just a kiss that shouldn't have happened.' he felt her sit down again, folding her leg underneath her. 'i don't like you anymore, if that makes it better. i don't know if i ever really did, to be honest. i don't know if i liked you or just the idea of you.' he gave a soft laugh. 'i mean, i still like you, just... not like that, you know?'

she gave a small nod, an incomprehensible expression on her face.

'you've just always been so beautiful, so nice, so accomplished, so feminine,' he continued, 'and i think when i met you i was at an age when i just thought... how could i not like you? i felt like it was expected. but now... i don't know. i'm not sure i know what it is to like someone. or i just like a lot of people. i haven't quite figured it out. but don't- don't let that make us weird, okay? you're a good friend, and i'd rather have that than lose you over a kiss.'

she was silent for a while, her knee resting on his leg as he nursed his beer, half focussing on the conversation and half wondering about things he'd never really wondered about before.

'kim yugyeom, when did you get so grown up?' she eventually said, her soft voice breaking through his reverie.

he looked over at her, smile playing at his lips. 'me?' he gave a laugh, and let his head fall back to lean against the couch. 'i'm not grown up. i don't know what gave you that idea. i'm still a kid. i don't even drink coffee.'

she laughed, loose and tinkling. 'you drink beer,' she pointed out, and he glanced at his bottle with a snort, wry grin twisting at his lips as he took a mouthful. 'since when does drinking coffee make you a grown up, anyway.'

he shrugged. 'what does make you a grown up, then? what is growing up? it's such a weird concept. something no one wants to do but apparently has to. is it moving away from home? but people get married while they live with their parents, and neither of us have lived with our parents since our early teens. is it responsibility? but everyone has responsibility, and how much is dependent on situation, not age. is there an age you have to grow up by? do you have to grow up? how do you know if you've achieved it?'

she shrugged in his peripheral vision, silent for a few beats as she seemed to consider his words. 'i guess i'll tell you when i find out.'

he hummed in mild agreement. 'does it matter?'

the silence seemed to stretch on, marking beats on the passage of time.

'i don't know.'

hummingbird_heart_charlene_kaye.mp3

comeback stages were always big on the calendar, built up to with almost sleepless nights of practice and overshadowed by a need to be bright and at their best, no matter how many times they'd done it before.

yugyeom was exhausted, feeling as if he were about to fall asleep standing up. he needed an ace up his sleeve.

sometimes, all he needed was a kick to be flying high.

he thought it was one of the best shows he'd ever done. his energy was high, he felt invincible, he didn't make a single mistake. he breathed heavily after their stages, feeling euphoric.

'you did well out there,' jaebum told him, 'i don't know what you did, but they loved you. your voice wasn't perfect, but that's probably because you're tired. we're all tired. not that you could tell.'

'thanks, hyung,' yugyeom said brightly, giving an absent-minded sniff that had bambam narrowing his eyes from the other side of the room.

jaebum gave him a slap on the back in congratulations, and he was alone for mere seconds before bambam was in his face.

'are you serious?' he said softly, 'dude.'

'good show, huh?' yugyeom replied.

'yeah,' bambam dismissed, 'you can't bring that stuff here, i don't care how fantastic it makes you, if you get caught, we're all screwed.'

'i didn't get caught,' yugyeom assured him and bambam rolled his eyes.

'that doesn't mean it's not irresponsible of you.'

'it was that or fall asleep mid-dance move. we have a responsibility to the fans, too. what happened to live every day like there's no tomorrow?' yugyeom said with a grin and bambam heaved a long-suffering sigh, resting a hand on his shoulder.

'yes, but there is a tomorrow, and i'd like to have a job then. i'd like to have you next to me to face it, okay.'

night_time_the_xx.mp3

deluged in heavy schedules with their follow-up track, youngjae and jinyoung's joint birthday dinner was a quiet affair, impromptu and welcomed, leaving the company a couple hours early, traipsing into a restaurant as the last of the supper crowd was leaving.

a few drinks had yugyeom buzzed when they got back to the dorm, feet mostly steady and arms around each other's shoulders, companiable and tired.

bambam flopped onto yugyeom's bed when he came back from washing up, landing mostly on top of yugyeom, making him groan.

'your bed is literally right over there,' yugyeom told him and bambam shook his head.

'too far,' he whined and yugyeom shifted, tipping bambam off him and onto the bed, wrapping his arms loosely around his waist.

it had happened less and less as the years went by, but sometimes bambam just needed a cuddle, even if he'd never ask for one (sometimes, yugyeom had pretended he was the one needing a cuddle, when bambam looked as if he was drawing too much into himself).

'promotions are going well,' yugyeom commented and bambam pulled a face.

'they are, do we have to talk about them, though?'

yugyeom laughed softly. 'i guess not.'

bambam hooked his legs with yugyeom's, shifting a little closer, getting a little more comfortable. he'd switched the light off when he came in, and yugyeom was glad- something about this he didn't want ruined by the harsh glare of light. he could make out bambam's face, the green and blue streaks in his current hair standing out in the dark.

'i like you,' yugyeom whispered on a whim, words he'd said numerous times in the past years, captured on cameras almost as much, tumbling from his lips so easily he didn't need to think of them.

bambam made a small noise, a breath of laughter. 'i like you too.'

the words drifted through yugyeom's mind idly. he knew bambam meant it, of course. it was weird, yugyeom thought, how that sentence could mean two very different things depending on who said it, depending on the context. i like you between friends was a completely different feel to the i like you of a confession. same words, different feelings. or something like that, yugyeom thought, at least in theory. were they all that different, though? did they mean something so different? or did they mean the same thing.

with these thoughts floating around in his head, he leaned forward slowly, finding bambam's lips in the dark, pressing his against them softly.

bambam didn't respond, and yugyeom pulled back just enough to separate.

'what was that?' bambam whispered, and yugyeom could feel his breath against his lips.

'i don't know,' he answered truthfully.

'okay,' bambam replied, before leaning in to kiss yugyeom again, and yugyeom could taste the beer underneath his toothpaste.

yugyeom didn't know what it meant, didn't know what the morning would bring, didn't know what it was, but he was quite content to let it happen, to tug bambam closer and continue.

the next morning brought bambam sitting on his bed, waking yugyeom up far before he had to.

'about last night,' bambam started, pausing as if expecting yugyeom to interrupt. yugyeom could, there was an arsenal of excuses and dismissals on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't feel like using them, so he kept his mouth shut, looking up at bambam, waiting for him to continue. 'it- i mean, it can't- i don't- i like girls,' bambam explained, 'mostly, and you're my friend, my best friend, and i- i thought you liked girls too, and i know that i- you know, kissed back, but-'

'i don't know who i like,' yugyeom cut in, wanting to rescue bambam from his stumbling monologue, 'and that includes you.'

bambam was silent, even as a flicker of relief crossed his face. 'then why did you kiss me?'

yugyeom shrugged. 'why did you kiss me back?'

bambam chewed on his lip, looking confused. 'i don't know.'

yugyeom shifted until he was sitting as well, knees colliding with bambam's. 'so let's leave it at that, then. it happened, it was nice, it doesn't mean anything more than that.'

'can that happen?' bambam asked and yugyeom raised an eyebrow.

'i can think of at least four examples that say it can.'

bambam gave a laugh. 'right.'

'if you're really worried, you can go ask jinyoung-hyung and jackson-hyung how they got through it,' yugyeom continued dryly and bambam gave a choked laugh.

'yeah, i think i'm good. i don't-' he paused and yugyeom waited. 'i kind of don't want anyone else to know,' bambam said in a rush.

'embarrassed?' yugyeom asked idly, just for the sake of teasing.

bambam shook his head. 'i don't think so. it's just- i don't know. it's just... our business, you know? ours.'

yugyeom nodded thoughtfully. 'i think i can handle that.'

cheers_(i'll_drink_to_that)_rihanna.mp3

'happy twenty first birthday,' mark said in english, handing yugyeom a bottle of flavoured vodka with a ribbon wrapped around it before slipping back into korean, 'now you can drink legally pretty much anywhere in the world. officially a fully-fledged adult everywhere.'

yugyeom laughed and thanked him. an adult only now in some places, an adult in his home country two years previously and he still didn't feel the difference.

(or maybe he did, he couldn't decide. so much had changed, so much had stayed the same, and he felt older and the same at the same time, and he wasn't sure how that could happen, but it did)

most of mark's gift went down easy, and every one kept handing him drinks as he moved around the room, toasts being made left and right and he didn't hear some of them fully and certainly didn't understand bambam's rattling thai, but then he thought the language of a toast was universal, and his legs weren't as stable as he could normally trust them to be.

jimin yelled and tugged him down to press kisses to his cheek, yerin laughing before darting in to do the same, and yugyeom was about to fall over when bambam pushed them out the way and pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek. he heard jackson's voice fast approaching and resigned himself to a barrage of birthday kisses, laughter making his belly ache.

there were gifts, and then there were gifts, lipstick marks on his cheeks being one of them, dried mushrooms chewed in a private corner being another, and as the world intensified around him, everything a little more than it had been before, yugyeom contemplated that to celebrate getting older, people acted younger, allowed themselves a night where they didn't have to be grown up.

maybe you could be both, yugyeom thought later, flat on his back and feeling the earth rotate, colours dancing in front of his eyes as he tried to find the answers written on the ceiling, or maybe no one was ever either.