it is what it is til it ain't anymore [1/2]
fandom: 15&
pairing: yerin/jimin
rating: pg13
warnings: recreational drinking, making out under the influence, lil bit of internalised homophobia
notes: title kacey musgrave's it is what it is
(ꝏ.)
jimin's always been a bit intimidated by yerin, though she'd never let anyone know it (people aren't intimidated by their friends).
how can she not be intimidated by her? she'd been training for so long, singing whitney houston before she'd lost all her milk teeth, flawless voice, poise for centuries, effortlessly thin and beautiful, charming even when she's direct, delicate and everything boys want in a girlfriend. she's cool, even when she isn't, and jimin aches when she thinks about it. she has to be intimidated by her, because if she isn't intimidated she's jealous, and that she knows she isn't.
0.
two young girls pushed together, debuting together, living together; so very young in a harsh industry. they're to look at each other during their debut song, and despite the fact that they're not new at performing, they're both glad for that stage direction, for the chance to look at each other and get strength from each other, butterflies whirling up inside them that it's real, they're there, and now their journey really begins.
they curl up in the same bed that night, adrenaline and excitement beating out the exhaustion in their bones, and they talk the night away. their dreams, their wishes, their worries, their fears, whispering and giggling until they talk themselves to sleep and wake up tangled up together, just like their lives now will be.
1.
jimin knows they'll be compared to each other, it's unavoidable when their voices are suited to different genres and forced to meld together in neither (she's not saying she doesn't think they sounds good together, because she loves singing with yerin, loves listening to her sing). their voices are different, and their personalities are worlds apart and their charms are almost opposing- there's no way they're not going to be compared to each other, just the two of them together, and one of them is bound to be found lacking by someone. jimin tries not to read too many comments, out of the fear that most of the time, she'll be the one found lacking.
yerin tells her not to listen, in the flippant way that she has, and asks jimin what she wants to watch while they eat, and jimin puts it out her mind as yerin gives commentary on the movie, sending jimin into stitches.
(ꝏ.)
yerin envies jimin's effortless charisma, her ability to make anyone like her. she's funny and sweet, and loved on variety shows, and yerin fades into the background. and she's okay with that, most of the time, because she gets flustered when she's thrust into the spotlight, and she can't make herself act silly, there's nothing in her that will allow herself to let herself go like that on camera, in front of people she doesn't know. but sometimes she wishes she could, wishes she could garner the public's affections like jimin can, wishes she could make friends like jimin can.
it takes yerin a while to get really close with someone, and while she is close with people, she has her people, sometimes she gets an irrational urge to pull jimin towards her when she's talking to a friend, when they're with mutual friends; to wrap her arms around her and hold on tight, because they live together, they're 15&, they're a unit, and everybody loves jimin, and yerin knows that no one's trying to steal her away (stupid thought, really), but sometimes she just wants to show off that they can't even if they wanted to. jimin and her have something that's beyond just friendship, a bond formed by late night chats and snacks in a shared living room and sleeping on each other's shoulders as they go to early morning schedules.
it's a silly thought really, so yerin doesn't give into the urge all the time, doesn't give in to every impulse to hang onto jimin's arm, to sit with their legs touching. she doesn't want to annoy her with meaningless paranoia.
3.
years pass, and they stay at a constant. they're not completely unknown, but they're nowhere near top star status. but they're okay, jimin thinks, they have each other, and they're busy, and they're doing okay. they're doing what they love and getting by.
she's okay with it. she'll always try for more, but she's okay. she only hopes yerin is as well.
(she doesn't speak to her as much anymore, or she does, but not about the things that worry her, and they're still okay, jimin's sure of it, but sometimes it feels like yerin's pulling away a little, and jimin wonders if it's because she's too- something. too immature. too herself. she's not sure.)
4.
they're suddenly adults, and yerin basks in the newfound freedom, before realising it's not much of a difference. but there is a difference, and she holds onto that thread, that promise that things aren't stagnant.
jimin's flourishing, steady mc gig, friends over all the time, and yerin smiles and excuses herself, laughs at jokes and slips off to her own friends, to a small group of people who don't notice if she doesn't speak too much, if she sits to the side and stares into the light. she knows she's always welcome, knows jimin would never kick her out, but she doesn't need explicit words to feel like she's being left behind, no longer a shiny new friend. yerin's okay, she tells herself, and why wouldn't she be? they're still friends, still have a great working relationship, people drift apart all the time.
she tries smoking, coughs as if she's going to die with the first drag, and gives it up as a bad job. except things happen and she finds herself with alcohol in her veins and a cigarette between her fingers, and she never buys her own but often finds one between her lips on days where she just feels like telling the world she doesn't care. it's a quiet rebellion, but it's her own.
2.
there was once a conversation held in the dead of night, where they're curled up under blankets, and the light's off because neither of them turned it on. some conversations are easier to have in the dark.
'sometimes i think i might like girls the same way i like guys,' jimin whispers, and yerin's eyes open again where she'd been drifting asleep. 'it's not- i mean, not all girls, obviously, but i don't like all guys either. i don't know.'
'what makes you think so?' yerin asks.
'i'm not sure if i do,' jimin admits, 'but sometimes i look at girls and... i don't know. there's something. same kind of thing i get when i look at some guys.'
yerin's quiet as she mulls this over in her head, trying to figure out how she feels about it. as a rule, she's okay with homosexuality, or things other than heterosexuality, and it's not like she doesn't know people who didn't adhere to the strict sexual orientation boundaries society had decided were acceptable, but jimin- it's different, she finds, when she's living with the person in question.
how different, she's not sure yet. she's not worried, or scared, or disgusted, or anything. she can't actually put a name to what she's feeling. so she stops trying.
'do you- do you have a crush? on a girl?' she asks, hesitantly, and jimin makes a sound.
'i don't know. i don't think so. i haven't really thought about it? like, i'm still figuring this out? maybe it's a phase, maybe i'm just confused.'
'but maybe you're not?' yerin says, 'confused, that is.'
'yeah,' jimin breathes, 'maybe i'm not.'
they don't talk about it again, not really, not in any detail, but jimin mentions girls, mentions celebrities, saves picture upon picture of them, publicly declares a 'girlcrush' on red velvet's joy, and yerin's still left with a feeling she can't identify.
9.
jimin misses yerin. they see each other all the time, obviously- they live together- but only ever in passing, it seems. they haven't worked together in a while, and one's always leaving as the other one arrives; the only time they're in the same place for extended periods of time is when they're sleeping, and jimin's thrown off-balance.
she supposes it's been a long time coming, with constant chatting turning into comfortable silence, turning into occasional movie nights, turning into quick greetings as they pass each other, conversations turning into
'jae's coming over later, that okay?'
'yeah, i'll be home late anyway. meeting up with some friends.'
and then before jimin knows it, she can't remember the last time they'd actually had a proper conversation.
she's not sure why she calls jackson, but she does, curled up in bed with yerin nowhere to be found, and tells him about yerin's upcoming second solo project.
he's quiet for a moment, and she hopes she doesn't sound too subdued- she's happy for yerin, really, she is.
'aww, our little 15& babies are growing up and getting money,' he coos over the phone, 'solo's and mc-ing gigs all over the place.'
she snuggles tighter into her blanket. 'we're your sunbaenim, dumbass.'
she sees yerin cycle through changes, hears her stumble through the door occasionally, smells smoke on her jacket as she passes her on the way to the bathroom.
her heart aches and her mind runs wild, but she trusts yerin not to do anything stupid, not to do anything dangerous, not to do anything that might risk their careers.
sometimes she hopes it's just her imagination that yerin rarely seems to be able to meet her gaze anymore.
5.
the thing is, yerin's confused. or she's not, and she wishes she was. it's another thing to envy about jimin, really, how she can figure something out about herself and then accept it. she may not necessarily be putting it out there for other people to decide if they accept it, but she accepts herself, at least.
yerin's having a hard time with that.
she isn't sure when it began, when she started noticing, really noticing, the girls she was surrounded by, but suddenly there she was, idly browsing the internet and coming across a picture of two girls kissing, i want to do that being the only thought flashing through her mind.
but she isn't jimin, and she panics, and ignores it as best she can.
6.
yerin sleeps with some guy she doesn't care about.
correction.
yerin sleeps with some guy she thinks she cares about, that she wants to care about. he's a bit older, a friend of a friend, fairly trustworthy as far as making sure rumours don't spread go. he's good-looking, and nice, and makes her laugh. he's gentle until she tells him not to be, wanting to feel something more, because this can't be what people are so crazy about, can it?
she regrets it, after. she tells him she doesn't think they'll work out, and he doesn't seem too disappointed, and she tries to feel angry that he's not overly invested past the sex, but she can't, because neither is she. it happens, no one's the bad guy.
but what's done is done, and she regrets it for a little bit.
she wants to tell jimin, but doesn't. not the right time, because over breakfast isn't, or she's too tired, or she's going to sleep, or there are friends there. it goes on until she's not sure she knows how to. it doesn't really mean anything, she tells herself.
but it does to her, kind of.
she thinks maybe it would be better with someone else, that maybe she should find another guy to sleep with to see if maybe it was just him, but she doesn't. maybe she's resigned herself to the problem being it was a him at all, but she's determinedly not thinking about that.
so: she sleeps with a guy and regrets it. c'est la vie.
and she's still not ready.
8.
some things she can't control: who she likes, her sexual orientation, a lot of her career, her popularity.
so she focusses on the things she can. she works on her music, making it hers, she cuts her hair, get tiny illustrations pricked permanently into her skin and every time she looks at them she can breath a little easier. it's her life, and she can still make of it what she will.
it scares her, sometimes, the idea of not having control, sends into her panicked spurts of telling herself to breath, hidden in bathroom stalls as she's shunted around, until all she wants to do is escape. but she can't, so she sequesters herself and reminds herself to breath deeply, she's fine, and she dreams up fantastical futures with her friends, aims higher than the stars for a point where everything in her life will be controlled solely by her.
it'll take a while, if it ever happens, but the dream keeps her from breaking down when she's at her worst.
7.
something she wishes she could control: who she likes.
meaningless construct of gender aside, actually developing feelings sends her into even more of a panic about the situation than she was already in.
it starts off innocently enough: she's with a few friends, a drink or two down, and they start talking work, and ask her about jimin, about being a duo, about whether she'd have preferred to be a solo artist from the beginning.
she shakes her head. 'if i had to do it all over again, and have a choice in the matter, i'd still choose jimin,' she says, 'we work well together.'
'what's she like?' she's asked, and she smiles and tells them.
there's a laugh when she's done speaking, done telling them anecdotes.
'you should bring her along some time. why haven't you introduced us?'
'she wants to keep her all to herself, obviously,' someone else answers for her, 'didn't you see her face when she was talking about her? eyes of an adoring girlfriend if i ever saw one.'
laughter goes around the group, and yerin joins in only a few beats later, ice numbing her veins.
it's a joke, mild teasing, because they have no reason to think she's not straight as an arrow, and the topic is quickly dropped, but the words go around and around in yerin's head.
she hadn't thought about it before, and she tries to pass it off, tries to dismiss it, because all it is is a joke, and yet-
suddenly she's noticing. noticing the way she smiles unconsciously when jimin's smiling, the way seeing jimin can make her calm down instantly, the way every touch and hug send warmth shooting through her, the way she wants to smooth away every worry that crosses jimin's mind and protect her from anyone who says anything bad about her, the small zing of wistful almost jealousy that shoots through her when jimin sighs over people, the pang inside her when jimin's always busy with someone else.
and she can't stop noticing, and it feels like a film has been lifted from her eyes, and she feels like she's falling with no end in sight. she catches herself staring at a picture of jimin on her phone one night, trying to sort through every thing she's feeling and instead she's cataloguing everything about her, eyes tracing features she knows so well, and next thing she knows, it's been over an hour, and she's zoned out into impressionistic images of things that would never happen flickering in her mind's eye.
she's falling and she can't stop herself, and there's nothing she can do, and there's so many reasons why she shouldn't be feeling these things, but none of them make a difference, and she can't help but think it's a disaster waiting to happen- she's a disaster waiting to happen.
she can't run away from it all, but she tries anyway.
she avoids her because how can she look at her and pretend she hasn't thought about kissing her, she spends her free time with the friends jimin doesn't know, and she's drinking more, one cigarette a week turns into two or three, and she does the best she can to escape.
she isn't dealing very well.
10.
she's drunk, and she's not surprised. she'd curled up on the couch with a bottle of wine, and most of it's gone. jimin isn't home, and yerin had turned the tv off at some point, the white noise grating on her nerves, so now she's sitting cross legged on the couch, glass abandoned and bottle in hand, head against the back of the couch as she stares unseeingly at the ceiling, thoughts and musings whirling around in her head. she's so tired.
she hears the door open and looks over to see jimin walk in. she gives a faint laugh and takes another swig of wine, and jimin jumps.
'jesus, yerin, what are you doing sitting there in the dark?' jimin exclaims, hand on heart, 'you almost gave me a heart attack!'
'sorry,' yerin says, and holds out the bottle as jimin flicks the light switch. 'want some?'
jimin's expression shifts into something else. 'are you drinking wine from the bottle?'
yerin nods. 'somewhere after the third glass i figured it was an unnecessary step.'
jimin puts her things down and approaches yerin, brow furrowed. 'are you- have you been crying?'
yerin touches her cheeks, and her fingers come away wet, and she makes a small sound.
jimin's kneeling down in front of her now, hand reaching out for hers. 'are you okay?'
something inside her crumples and her head drops as the tears well up in her eyes, and jimin's grabbing the wine and putting it aside, muttering in consternation.
'what's wrong?' jimin asks, trying to catch yerin's eyes, and yerin shakes her head.
'nothing,' she mutters, then gives a choked laugh, head swimming. 'me.'
'what are you talking about?' jimin says softly and yerin meets her eyes for the first time in what feels like far too long.
'i just-' she stops, trying to get it into words, because now everything just seems far too big to keep all to herself. 'i just keep having all these feelings that i'm not supposed to be having, that i can't have, and i can't get them to go away, and i keep trying to- it's hard to run away from your thoughts, you know? it's hard to run from your thoughts and feelings and it's like-' yerin waves her hands around in the air, and she thinks she might be slightly hysterical, drunk and rambling, her breath catching in her throat and tears dripping off her jaw. 'it's like everything is so close i can reach out and it's in my grasp, but it's not? at all? it's so far away, and it's like having- like having your favourite food right in front of you but you can't eat it, because- because- something bad will happen, and it'll hate you, and you'll never be able to even see it ever again.'
'yerin, calm down,' jimin's voice is confused, and she catches yerin's face in her hands, thumbs resting lightly on her cheeks. 'you're not really making any sense, but it's fine, we can talk it out. you can talk to me about it.'
'i don't want to,' yerin mumbles, her hands coming up to rest on jimin's forearms, and she closes her eyes, leaning forward a bit until she's resting her forehead against jimin's. she opens her eyes with a sigh, and everything's blurred and far too close to her face, but she doesn't need to see properly to know what jimin looks like. 'you're so pretty,' she murmurs, and her eyes flutter shut again as she feels jimin's forehead leaves her own, and her fingers move up to loop loosely around jimin's wrists, even thought she doesn't seem to have any intention of moving her hands. 'can i kiss you?' her eyes open and she sees jimin, eyes wide. 'please let me kiss you.'
jimin's hands slip off her cheeks, but they stay curled at her neck and jimin hasn't said anything or moved away, and yerin thinks she might hear a shaky 'okay', and she leans forward, barely moving because jimin is still so, so close, and then she's kissing her, and her nerve endings are dulled from alcohol but she's sure they would be in overdrive, because her blood is still singing as she moves her lips against hers.
and then yerin's tugging at jimin's shirt, trying to bring her closer, and jimin breaks away, eyes skittering all over yerin's face, and yerin's too drunk to care that she whines and pouts and reaches for jimin again, and it's jimin's turn to let out a choked laugh, reaching for the wine and taking a swig.
'need liquid courage?' yerin jokes, trying to muster amusement she doesn't feel, and jimin shakes her head (yerin hasn't noticed her hands shaking).
'that's- no-' she stumbles to her feet, wine put aside again and then she's kissing yerin again, leaning over her and yerin tugs at her waist, trying to get her into her lap.
'i'll squash you,' jimin whispers again yerin's lips, resisting, and yerin shakes her head.
'no.' yerin manages to wrap her arms around jimin's waist and pulls her down, and part of her thinks she's dreaming.
yerin loses track of how long they kiss, but she has jimin on her back on the couch, and her dress has fallen to the tops of her thighs, and yerin has wanted this for a while now, and she can hardly believe it's actually happening, and she's struck by a fear that it'll never happen again, and with this fuelling her she's pushing jimin's dress up.
'yerin-' jimin mutters, fingers curling around yerin's, and yerin looks up at her.
'please?' she's not above begging, not above taking whatever she can get in this small miracle that's been granted, and there's a bubble of held-breath silence they're hanging in until jimin's fingers let up and she gives a small nod and yerin leans down to kiss her again before pulling jimin's dress over her head.
she takes a second to just look, gently brushing jimin's hands away from her her stomach, laying her palms flat.
'you lost so much weight for your solo,' yerin murmurs, and jimin shifts.
'i needed to.'
'no you didn't,' yerin replies lightly, pressing her lips so jimin's jaw and down her neck. 'you're just as beautiful either way.'
jimin doesn't say anything, just runs her hand over yerin's shoulder, fingers dipping down the back of her t-shirt as yerin kisses her way over the swell of her breasts, and jimin's breath catches in her throat.
yerin's kissed her way onto jimin's stomach when the exhaustion and wine hit her and she slumps, curling up and resting her cheek on jimin's stomach, warm against her cheek, her fingers idly skittering along jimin's thigh.
they lie there for a bit, yerin humming a tune idly and fiddling with the edge of jimin's panties, and jimin running her hands through yerin's hair, her fingernails scratching lightly against her scalp.
'you sleepy?' jimin asks after a while and yerin hums in assent, nodding her head where it's lying on jimin's tummy. 'you wanna go to bed?'
'wanna keep kissing you,' yerin replies sleepily, any ideas of not being honest long gone.
'okay,' jimin says after a pause, slowly sitting up, 'but first let's get you into bed.'
yerin's lax as jimin walks her to the bathroom, hands her her toothbrush, swaying a little as she stands. she spits, rinses and leans against jimin, eyes closed as she allows jimin to guide her.
she looks around when she feels jimin detach from her, feeling as if she's about to fall over if her eyes stay closed, and belatedly realises they're in jimin's room. jimin's hand hovers over a t-shirt before she glances back at yerin and retracts her hand, resolutely climbing under the blankets.
yerin watches as they move, and then jimin's tossing her bra aside and yerin's breath catches.
'need pajamas?' jimin asks, steel mixing with tentativeness in her voice and yerin shakes her head mutely, holding out her hand when she knocks herself a bit off balance. 'need help?' jimin has a small smile on her face. and yerin shakes her head again.
it takes her a few beats longer than normal to take her shirt off, and she's almost defeated by her jeans, but then she's standing there, hesitating only momentarily before keeping eye contact with jimin as she unhooks her bra, trying to ascertain where she's looking.
jimin shifts over wordlessly, holding the blankets up for yerin to climb under, and then they're lying facing each other, quiet in the dim light.
yerin reaches up and traces jimin's lips with her finger. 'have you ever slept with anyone?' she asks.
'no,' jimin replies, pinks dusting her cheeks, and yerin gives a nod, hair rustling on the pillow case.
'good,' she says, eyes following her fingers as they danced over jimin's shoulders, following the line of her arm until she tangles their fingers together. 'you're too good for some dirtbag to use for sex.' she yawns, her eyes slipping shut. 'far too good for me,' she murmurs, missing jimin's brow furrowing.
'you have no idea what you're worth,' jimin whispers as she drifts off, and she's gone.
11.
it's been four days, and jimin's pissed, because yerin is definitely avoiding her now. she was gone when jimin woke up, and jimin found her dress folded and placed outside her room, and she hasn't seen hide or hair of her since.
so jimin messages her 'what are you doing tonight?' until she replies, and it takes almost a week, but jimin's enlisted help- if yerin won't see her alone, then maybe she'll see her with more people around.
finally, she's gotten her to promise to show up, and jimin hums in mild agreement as bambam sighs and says it's been far too long since they all hung out, and it was such a good idea.
12.
yerin doesn't want to admit she hesitates outside her own front door, but she does. she knows jimin is going to be there, and she almost flakes and backs out. she closes her eyes and shakes her head before heading in, not long before the others were meant to arrive.
she feels bad when jimin visibly relaxes in relief at the sight of her. 'hi,' she says quietly and jimin smiles at her.
'long time no see,' she says dryly and yerin clears her throat, moving to put her bag in her room.
'so,' jimin says when she reemerges, leaning against the couch, 'are we going to talk about it?'
yerin freezes. 'talk about what?'
'the reason you've been avoiding me for a week.'
'i haven't- i don't want to talk about it.'
jimin folds her arms. 'i think we kind of have to.'
'no we don't,' yerin says immediately, and jimin makes a face.
'yerin, you said some things and then- i just want to know what you meant, what- what it was all about-'
'what do you want me to say?' yerin snaps, embarrassment and shame fuelling her words, working her up. 'i fucked up, okay, i never meant to say any of that to you. i never meant to tell you that i- you were never meant to know that i think about you more than i should, in ways i really shouldn't. we're friends, goddamnit, colleagues, and i'm not going to fuck all of that up and throw it all away because of a stupid crush, it's not fair to you, to me, to anyone. and now you want to talk about it? talk about how i was stupid and careless and drunk and kissed you and-' yerin waves her hand, too hazy with panic to think of the exact words to describe what had happened past the kissing, 'and now you probably hate me and don't want to live or work with me-'
'yerin-'
she powers on. 'and i get it, okay, i get it, but i don't want to talk about how i fucked everything up because of a stupid, drunken mistake!' she's breathing heavily, her heart pounding in her ears.
'yerin,' jimin says again, but it doesn't sink in until jimin's grabbing her arms. 'yerin!'
she starts, subsiding and meeting jimin's gaze.
'you were drunk,' jimin says, 'but i was completely sober.'
yerin blinks. 'sober.'
jimin nods. 'hundred percent. i knew exactly what i was doing.'
yerin has to admit she'd glossed over that part. she blames it on the alcohol making everyone else seem drunk as well, and her breath is catching in her throat as she tries to reconcile this with everything else.
there's a banging on the door before either of them can say anything else, and a lazy call of 'come open the door, you bitches.'
jimin glances past her and then back at her. 'you okay to deal with them?' she asks and yerin nods.
'yeah,' she breathes, and jimin nods, fingers brushing her arm as she walks past her to let the boys in.
10.
the thing is, jimin's insecure as anything, especially about her body, and it takes her a lot to be able to let that go. but it's yerin, and she's so sincere and jimin takes the risk. she has no idea where this came from, but she's not going to question it- not immediately, anyway.
the entire time, she kind of feels like she's in a mirage, and she daren't make any sudden movements or loud noises for fear of it dissipating. it takes her a little longer to fall asleep, yerin breathing softly next to her, and jimin just lies there and mulls everything over that had happened, everything she had dismissed the idea of before it had taken root, and falls asleep still holding yerin's hand.
there might be something in between jealousy and intimidation.
13.
the boys brought the alcohol, and yerin has half a mind to ask how they'd managed that- but she knows there are many loopholes in constant supervision, many ways to work around things. however it happened she's glad at the amount they brought, her mind still reeling from jimin's words and she figures she's not the only one who just needs to forget for a bit.
'how about we make a promise that all phones are to be packed far away tonight,' yugyeom says after jisoo arrives, his words light in the way that's trying to mask too many feelings, and the girls wince as bambam lets out a short groan.
'now that you've brought that up, i'm getting the glasses,' he mutters darkly, and yerin doesn't bother pointing him in their direction. he knows where they are.
'how are you all doing?' jimin asks, concerned after they've settled in the lounge, and bambam gives her a look.
'how about when the alcohol's out, we stop talking about that,' he retaliates and jimin gives a humourless laugh, raising her glass in a cheers.
'to the end of your tour,' she says, and drinks half the cup in one go.
'you have a solo coming up, don't you?' jisoo says to jimin, and she nods.
'yeah. first mini album.'
'that's exciting,' jisoo says.
jimin hums. 'yeah. it's turning out well.'
'and your solo went well.' jisoo turns to yerin this time, and yerin shrugs from where she's curled up at the end of the couch, so very aware of not touching jimin.
'says the leader of the hottest girlgroup on the scene right now.'
jisoo ducks her head. 'it's a bit overwhelming,' she admits, 'there's a lot of public pressure, on all sorts of things.'
'the expectations are hard,' yugyeom mumbles, and yerin notices he's already on his second glass. 'it's like they don't want us to just- live.'
'you know that's not everyone,' jimin points out, and yugyeom sighs.
'sometimes it's hard to remember that.'
'still banned from sns?' yerin asks and bambam snorts.
'it's a miracle we still have our phones.'
'it'll blow over,' jisoo says confidently.
'it's just stupid and frustrating,' bambam mumbles, staring into his drink.
'it's not-'
'not the reasons,' bambam cuts jimin off, looking up, 'i get the reasons, i get why people are mad, i know now. but i can't do anything. i'm not allowed to do anything to try fix it.' he knocks back his drink and yerin holds out her glass for a refill when he fills his own. 'i don't really want to-' he shakes his head. 'what about you guys? anything interesting happen recently?'
yerin disguises her panicked coughing as her drink going down the wrong way, frantically waving jimin away when she tries to pat her on the back.
she can feel jimin's eyes on her, can feel her silence almost palpably.
'no,' jimin says, her voice sounding distant to yerin's ears 'nothing. just work.'
'boring,' yugyeom comments, his voice lacklustrely teasing in an attempt to inject levity into the conversation.
'sorry we're not all jetsetters,' jimin shot back, taking up the bait gratefully.
it's not like there wasn't laughter as the night wore on, but the alcohol went down quickly, far too quickly for everything to be okay, and yerin found herself lapsing into silence at the merest whisper of anything not strictly platonic; finds herself oscillating between drawing away from jimin and trying to get any physical contact she could as the alcohol blurred out the edges of her mind.
'are you all going to crash here?' jimin asks, after the clock's ticked past midnight and there are barely dregs left in the bottle and jisoo had long since been sent to curl up in jimin's bed after falling asleep on yerin's shoulder (yerin's not surprised, she'd been exhausted when she'd walked in).
'i call dibs on the couch,' bambam says in reply, and yugyeom sticks a thumbs up from where he's lying on the floor.
'i'm good here,' he slurs, eyes already closed, and jimin stumbles to her room, coming back and tossing spare blankets at them.
'come on, yerinnie,' jimin says after bambam's collapsed on the couch, feet poking at yerin's thighs. 'time for bed.'
yerin blinks up at jimin's outstretched arms and reaches out to take her hands, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet, only stumbling a little bit.
'where're you going to sleep, jimin?' bambam yawns, and jimin blinks as if she hadn't considered this.
'with jisoo, i guess,' she says, and something white hot that feels a lot like jealousy sears through yerin.
'no,' she blurts, 'sleep with me.'
'ayyy,' bambam says laughingly, face buried in the couch pillows and yerin flushes even though she knows he means nothing by it, and jimin blinks at her.
'i mean,' yerin stammers, 'why wake her up? you can sleep with-' yerin's breath hitches. '-in my bed.'
jimin stares at her for a long while, and yerin can't focus enough to try decipher the look she's giving her.
'okay,' she says eventually, and bambam starts.
'jesus, you guys are still here?' he grumbles, turning slightly to squint at them over his shoulder. 'go cuddle.'
jimin pulls the covers over his head as she passes, going the opposite way around the couch as yerin, and yerin hold her breath as she holds the door open for jimin to pass through.
they're left in darkness when yerin closes the door behind them, and yerin belatedly realises the living room light is still burning when there's a sliver of gold under the door, but she's too transfixed by jimin's eyes on her.
it feels like they're in a vacuum and time keeps falling away around them.
'i can always just go sl-' jimin starts, fingers fidgeting at the hem of her dress and yerin cuts her off hurriedly.
'no,' she says, 'stay.'
'stay?' jimin repeats, voice lilting up at the end of the words and yerin nods.
'please,' she replies, her voice barely above a breath.
jimin nods slowly, not breaking eye contact, and it's a few beats before yerin slowly lifts her t-shirt over her head. she almost misses the catch in jimin's breath, and her eyes darting over her torso before coming back to meet her eyes. yerin can see jimin swallow, and then she's pushing her pants down and yerin eyes follow the movement as they fall to the floor, eyes trailing back up her legs, at her shirt brushing her thighs.
yerin's throat feels dry despite how much she's drunk, and she's fumbling with her pants button before she's stepping out of those, and it's as if there's an unspoken agreement, jimin waiting until yerin's standing there in her underwear before tugging on the edge of her own shirt, and then yerin can hear her own breath catch as her eyes trail over jimin's body, at her hand hovering hesitantly by her stomach, and she raises her eyes to meet jimin's eyes, not feeling as drunk as she had five minutes before. there's a different kind of intoxication running through her veins now, a different kind of fire, and yerin's not sure who moves first- she thinks it might be her- but within seconds her hand is trailing through jimin's hair and she's kissing her hungrily.
jimin's hands are hot against her skin, and they stumble as they move towards yerin's bed, too engrossed in the moment in each other.
yerin's fingers dance up jimin's spine until they hit the clasp of her bra, and then yerin has to untangle her fingers from jimin's hair, needing two hands to deal with the clasp, and they're still kissing when it's undone, jimin's bra straps falling down her shoulders.
yerin's reaching behind her own back even as she backs jimin towards the bed, jimin allowing her bra to fall off, without them stopping kissing, and it's only when yerin's on top of her on the bed, knees on either side of her thighs, all clothing except their panties discarded, jimin's breath coming heavy as yerin kisses her way down her neck, that yerin remembers they're not alone in the house.
she pulls back, her own breath coming heavily, and looks down at jimin, her lips slick and red, her hair spread around her head on her pillow, and decides she doesn't care.
they kiss as if they'll never have another chance, and yerin thinks maybe they won't, but she ignores that thought in favour of shifting so she wasn't quite on top of jimin, so her leg slips between jimin's thighs, relishing the light touch of jimin's fingers brushing against her side, against her breast, shyly and then more confidently, cupping her breast, her thumb grazing yerin's nipple.
yerin's fingers are tugging at the edge of jimin's panties, when jimin pulls back from where she's alternating between pressing her lips against yerin's jaw and her lips.
'have you ever slept with anyone?' she whispers, and it takes yerin a few moments to remember asking her that same question.
'not like this,' she replies, head spinning as she meets jimin's eyes. not with anyone who means anything.
'like this?' jimin asks, hand running down yerin's side, thumb hooking on her panties, pulling them down a bit. she moves her leg, presses her thigh against yerin's crotch. 'like this?' she repeats.
'yeah,' yerin breathes, 'like this.'
'good,' jimin whispers fiercely, and seals her lips against yerin's again, rolling them so she was on top, thigh pressing firmly between yerin's and yerin lets out a gasp, rolling her hips and pressing down firmer, trying to get some pressure.
yerin's aware that the fire coursing through her body is a fraction of what she would be feeling without alcohol numbing her nerve endings, but she's still hyper aware of jimin's tongue on her nipple jimin's fingers against the front of her panties, and she bites her lips to keep her gasps from falling out too loudly when jimin's fingers cautiously push her panties aside.
when they get too hard to hold back, when yerin feels like she can't possibly keep quiet, she shifts, tugs jimin up and turn them over again, moving down jimin's body, and she hears jimin's breath catch when her lips press against her stomach, catching the very top of her panties.
it's new for both of them, as yerin carefully removes jimin's panties, as she gently presses her hands against her thighs as she leans down to taste her.
yerin's euphoric at the reactions she gets out of jimin, feeling her muscles tense and relax under her hands, her lips, her tongue. it's new, but yerin throws herself wholeheartedly into the experience, until jimin has a pillow over her face to muffle her whimpering, and yerin has a flash of regret that they can't be as loud as they want- she wants to hear every sound jimin makes, every huff of breath, every moan, whine and whimper she can elicit from her, but she will take what she can get, ravenously and desperately.
yerin doesn't know how much time passes, jimin pulling her up her body after a while, hazy impressions on fingers and tongues all over, and kissing, and kissing and kissing, jimin's lips a firebrand on yerin's skin until alcohol and exhaustion crept up on them, their lips lazy now, gentle push and pull against each other, eyes closed, until one or both of them drift off, into a heavy sleep.
part 2
pairing: yerin/jimin
rating: pg13
warnings: recreational drinking, making out under the influence, lil bit of internalised homophobia
notes: title kacey musgrave's it is what it is
(ꝏ.)
jimin's always been a bit intimidated by yerin, though she'd never let anyone know it (people aren't intimidated by their friends).
how can she not be intimidated by her? she'd been training for so long, singing whitney houston before she'd lost all her milk teeth, flawless voice, poise for centuries, effortlessly thin and beautiful, charming even when she's direct, delicate and everything boys want in a girlfriend. she's cool, even when she isn't, and jimin aches when she thinks about it. she has to be intimidated by her, because if she isn't intimidated she's jealous, and that she knows she isn't.
0.
two young girls pushed together, debuting together, living together; so very young in a harsh industry. they're to look at each other during their debut song, and despite the fact that they're not new at performing, they're both glad for that stage direction, for the chance to look at each other and get strength from each other, butterflies whirling up inside them that it's real, they're there, and now their journey really begins.
they curl up in the same bed that night, adrenaline and excitement beating out the exhaustion in their bones, and they talk the night away. their dreams, their wishes, their worries, their fears, whispering and giggling until they talk themselves to sleep and wake up tangled up together, just like their lives now will be.
1.
jimin knows they'll be compared to each other, it's unavoidable when their voices are suited to different genres and forced to meld together in neither (she's not saying she doesn't think they sounds good together, because she loves singing with yerin, loves listening to her sing). their voices are different, and their personalities are worlds apart and their charms are almost opposing- there's no way they're not going to be compared to each other, just the two of them together, and one of them is bound to be found lacking by someone. jimin tries not to read too many comments, out of the fear that most of the time, she'll be the one found lacking.
yerin tells her not to listen, in the flippant way that she has, and asks jimin what she wants to watch while they eat, and jimin puts it out her mind as yerin gives commentary on the movie, sending jimin into stitches.
(ꝏ.)
yerin envies jimin's effortless charisma, her ability to make anyone like her. she's funny and sweet, and loved on variety shows, and yerin fades into the background. and she's okay with that, most of the time, because she gets flustered when she's thrust into the spotlight, and she can't make herself act silly, there's nothing in her that will allow herself to let herself go like that on camera, in front of people she doesn't know. but sometimes she wishes she could, wishes she could garner the public's affections like jimin can, wishes she could make friends like jimin can.
it takes yerin a while to get really close with someone, and while she is close with people, she has her people, sometimes she gets an irrational urge to pull jimin towards her when she's talking to a friend, when they're with mutual friends; to wrap her arms around her and hold on tight, because they live together, they're 15&, they're a unit, and everybody loves jimin, and yerin knows that no one's trying to steal her away (stupid thought, really), but sometimes she just wants to show off that they can't even if they wanted to. jimin and her have something that's beyond just friendship, a bond formed by late night chats and snacks in a shared living room and sleeping on each other's shoulders as they go to early morning schedules.
it's a silly thought really, so yerin doesn't give into the urge all the time, doesn't give in to every impulse to hang onto jimin's arm, to sit with their legs touching. she doesn't want to annoy her with meaningless paranoia.
3.
years pass, and they stay at a constant. they're not completely unknown, but they're nowhere near top star status. but they're okay, jimin thinks, they have each other, and they're busy, and they're doing okay. they're doing what they love and getting by.
she's okay with it. she'll always try for more, but she's okay. she only hopes yerin is as well.
(she doesn't speak to her as much anymore, or she does, but not about the things that worry her, and they're still okay, jimin's sure of it, but sometimes it feels like yerin's pulling away a little, and jimin wonders if it's because she's too- something. too immature. too herself. she's not sure.)
4.
they're suddenly adults, and yerin basks in the newfound freedom, before realising it's not much of a difference. but there is a difference, and she holds onto that thread, that promise that things aren't stagnant.
jimin's flourishing, steady mc gig, friends over all the time, and yerin smiles and excuses herself, laughs at jokes and slips off to her own friends, to a small group of people who don't notice if she doesn't speak too much, if she sits to the side and stares into the light. she knows she's always welcome, knows jimin would never kick her out, but she doesn't need explicit words to feel like she's being left behind, no longer a shiny new friend. yerin's okay, she tells herself, and why wouldn't she be? they're still friends, still have a great working relationship, people drift apart all the time.
she tries smoking, coughs as if she's going to die with the first drag, and gives it up as a bad job. except things happen and she finds herself with alcohol in her veins and a cigarette between her fingers, and she never buys her own but often finds one between her lips on days where she just feels like telling the world she doesn't care. it's a quiet rebellion, but it's her own.
2.
there was once a conversation held in the dead of night, where they're curled up under blankets, and the light's off because neither of them turned it on. some conversations are easier to have in the dark.
'sometimes i think i might like girls the same way i like guys,' jimin whispers, and yerin's eyes open again where she'd been drifting asleep. 'it's not- i mean, not all girls, obviously, but i don't like all guys either. i don't know.'
'what makes you think so?' yerin asks.
'i'm not sure if i do,' jimin admits, 'but sometimes i look at girls and... i don't know. there's something. same kind of thing i get when i look at some guys.'
yerin's quiet as she mulls this over in her head, trying to figure out how she feels about it. as a rule, she's okay with homosexuality, or things other than heterosexuality, and it's not like she doesn't know people who didn't adhere to the strict sexual orientation boundaries society had decided were acceptable, but jimin- it's different, she finds, when she's living with the person in question.
how different, she's not sure yet. she's not worried, or scared, or disgusted, or anything. she can't actually put a name to what she's feeling. so she stops trying.
'do you- do you have a crush? on a girl?' she asks, hesitantly, and jimin makes a sound.
'i don't know. i don't think so. i haven't really thought about it? like, i'm still figuring this out? maybe it's a phase, maybe i'm just confused.'
'but maybe you're not?' yerin says, 'confused, that is.'
'yeah,' jimin breathes, 'maybe i'm not.'
they don't talk about it again, not really, not in any detail, but jimin mentions girls, mentions celebrities, saves picture upon picture of them, publicly declares a 'girlcrush' on red velvet's joy, and yerin's still left with a feeling she can't identify.
9.
jimin misses yerin. they see each other all the time, obviously- they live together- but only ever in passing, it seems. they haven't worked together in a while, and one's always leaving as the other one arrives; the only time they're in the same place for extended periods of time is when they're sleeping, and jimin's thrown off-balance.
she supposes it's been a long time coming, with constant chatting turning into comfortable silence, turning into occasional movie nights, turning into quick greetings as they pass each other, conversations turning into
'jae's coming over later, that okay?'
'yeah, i'll be home late anyway. meeting up with some friends.'
and then before jimin knows it, she can't remember the last time they'd actually had a proper conversation.
she's not sure why she calls jackson, but she does, curled up in bed with yerin nowhere to be found, and tells him about yerin's upcoming second solo project.
he's quiet for a moment, and she hopes she doesn't sound too subdued- she's happy for yerin, really, she is.
'aww, our little 15& babies are growing up and getting money,' he coos over the phone, 'solo's and mc-ing gigs all over the place.'
she snuggles tighter into her blanket. 'we're your sunbaenim, dumbass.'
she sees yerin cycle through changes, hears her stumble through the door occasionally, smells smoke on her jacket as she passes her on the way to the bathroom.
her heart aches and her mind runs wild, but she trusts yerin not to do anything stupid, not to do anything dangerous, not to do anything that might risk their careers.
sometimes she hopes it's just her imagination that yerin rarely seems to be able to meet her gaze anymore.
5.
the thing is, yerin's confused. or she's not, and she wishes she was. it's another thing to envy about jimin, really, how she can figure something out about herself and then accept it. she may not necessarily be putting it out there for other people to decide if they accept it, but she accepts herself, at least.
yerin's having a hard time with that.
she isn't sure when it began, when she started noticing, really noticing, the girls she was surrounded by, but suddenly there she was, idly browsing the internet and coming across a picture of two girls kissing, i want to do that being the only thought flashing through her mind.
but she isn't jimin, and she panics, and ignores it as best she can.
6.
yerin sleeps with some guy she doesn't care about.
correction.
yerin sleeps with some guy she thinks she cares about, that she wants to care about. he's a bit older, a friend of a friend, fairly trustworthy as far as making sure rumours don't spread go. he's good-looking, and nice, and makes her laugh. he's gentle until she tells him not to be, wanting to feel something more, because this can't be what people are so crazy about, can it?
she regrets it, after. she tells him she doesn't think they'll work out, and he doesn't seem too disappointed, and she tries to feel angry that he's not overly invested past the sex, but she can't, because neither is she. it happens, no one's the bad guy.
but what's done is done, and she regrets it for a little bit.
she wants to tell jimin, but doesn't. not the right time, because over breakfast isn't, or she's too tired, or she's going to sleep, or there are friends there. it goes on until she's not sure she knows how to. it doesn't really mean anything, she tells herself.
but it does to her, kind of.
she thinks maybe it would be better with someone else, that maybe she should find another guy to sleep with to see if maybe it was just him, but she doesn't. maybe she's resigned herself to the problem being it was a him at all, but she's determinedly not thinking about that.
so: she sleeps with a guy and regrets it. c'est la vie.
and she's still not ready.
8.
some things she can't control: who she likes, her sexual orientation, a lot of her career, her popularity.
so she focusses on the things she can. she works on her music, making it hers, she cuts her hair, get tiny illustrations pricked permanently into her skin and every time she looks at them she can breath a little easier. it's her life, and she can still make of it what she will.
it scares her, sometimes, the idea of not having control, sends into her panicked spurts of telling herself to breath, hidden in bathroom stalls as she's shunted around, until all she wants to do is escape. but she can't, so she sequesters herself and reminds herself to breath deeply, she's fine, and she dreams up fantastical futures with her friends, aims higher than the stars for a point where everything in her life will be controlled solely by her.
it'll take a while, if it ever happens, but the dream keeps her from breaking down when she's at her worst.
7.
something she wishes she could control: who she likes.
meaningless construct of gender aside, actually developing feelings sends her into even more of a panic about the situation than she was already in.
it starts off innocently enough: she's with a few friends, a drink or two down, and they start talking work, and ask her about jimin, about being a duo, about whether she'd have preferred to be a solo artist from the beginning.
she shakes her head. 'if i had to do it all over again, and have a choice in the matter, i'd still choose jimin,' she says, 'we work well together.'
'what's she like?' she's asked, and she smiles and tells them.
there's a laugh when she's done speaking, done telling them anecdotes.
'you should bring her along some time. why haven't you introduced us?'
'she wants to keep her all to herself, obviously,' someone else answers for her, 'didn't you see her face when she was talking about her? eyes of an adoring girlfriend if i ever saw one.'
laughter goes around the group, and yerin joins in only a few beats later, ice numbing her veins.
it's a joke, mild teasing, because they have no reason to think she's not straight as an arrow, and the topic is quickly dropped, but the words go around and around in yerin's head.
she hadn't thought about it before, and she tries to pass it off, tries to dismiss it, because all it is is a joke, and yet-
suddenly she's noticing. noticing the way she smiles unconsciously when jimin's smiling, the way seeing jimin can make her calm down instantly, the way every touch and hug send warmth shooting through her, the way she wants to smooth away every worry that crosses jimin's mind and protect her from anyone who says anything bad about her, the small zing of wistful almost jealousy that shoots through her when jimin sighs over people, the pang inside her when jimin's always busy with someone else.
and she can't stop noticing, and it feels like a film has been lifted from her eyes, and she feels like she's falling with no end in sight. she catches herself staring at a picture of jimin on her phone one night, trying to sort through every thing she's feeling and instead she's cataloguing everything about her, eyes tracing features she knows so well, and next thing she knows, it's been over an hour, and she's zoned out into impressionistic images of things that would never happen flickering in her mind's eye.
she's falling and she can't stop herself, and there's nothing she can do, and there's so many reasons why she shouldn't be feeling these things, but none of them make a difference, and she can't help but think it's a disaster waiting to happen- she's a disaster waiting to happen.
she can't run away from it all, but she tries anyway.
she avoids her because how can she look at her and pretend she hasn't thought about kissing her, she spends her free time with the friends jimin doesn't know, and she's drinking more, one cigarette a week turns into two or three, and she does the best she can to escape.
she isn't dealing very well.
10.
she's drunk, and she's not surprised. she'd curled up on the couch with a bottle of wine, and most of it's gone. jimin isn't home, and yerin had turned the tv off at some point, the white noise grating on her nerves, so now she's sitting cross legged on the couch, glass abandoned and bottle in hand, head against the back of the couch as she stares unseeingly at the ceiling, thoughts and musings whirling around in her head. she's so tired.
she hears the door open and looks over to see jimin walk in. she gives a faint laugh and takes another swig of wine, and jimin jumps.
'jesus, yerin, what are you doing sitting there in the dark?' jimin exclaims, hand on heart, 'you almost gave me a heart attack!'
'sorry,' yerin says, and holds out the bottle as jimin flicks the light switch. 'want some?'
jimin's expression shifts into something else. 'are you drinking wine from the bottle?'
yerin nods. 'somewhere after the third glass i figured it was an unnecessary step.'
jimin puts her things down and approaches yerin, brow furrowed. 'are you- have you been crying?'
yerin touches her cheeks, and her fingers come away wet, and she makes a small sound.
jimin's kneeling down in front of her now, hand reaching out for hers. 'are you okay?'
something inside her crumples and her head drops as the tears well up in her eyes, and jimin's grabbing the wine and putting it aside, muttering in consternation.
'what's wrong?' jimin asks, trying to catch yerin's eyes, and yerin shakes her head.
'nothing,' she mutters, then gives a choked laugh, head swimming. 'me.'
'what are you talking about?' jimin says softly and yerin meets her eyes for the first time in what feels like far too long.
'i just-' she stops, trying to get it into words, because now everything just seems far too big to keep all to herself. 'i just keep having all these feelings that i'm not supposed to be having, that i can't have, and i can't get them to go away, and i keep trying to- it's hard to run away from your thoughts, you know? it's hard to run from your thoughts and feelings and it's like-' yerin waves her hands around in the air, and she thinks she might be slightly hysterical, drunk and rambling, her breath catching in her throat and tears dripping off her jaw. 'it's like everything is so close i can reach out and it's in my grasp, but it's not? at all? it's so far away, and it's like having- like having your favourite food right in front of you but you can't eat it, because- because- something bad will happen, and it'll hate you, and you'll never be able to even see it ever again.'
'yerin, calm down,' jimin's voice is confused, and she catches yerin's face in her hands, thumbs resting lightly on her cheeks. 'you're not really making any sense, but it's fine, we can talk it out. you can talk to me about it.'
'i don't want to,' yerin mumbles, her hands coming up to rest on jimin's forearms, and she closes her eyes, leaning forward a bit until she's resting her forehead against jimin's. she opens her eyes with a sigh, and everything's blurred and far too close to her face, but she doesn't need to see properly to know what jimin looks like. 'you're so pretty,' she murmurs, and her eyes flutter shut again as she feels jimin's forehead leaves her own, and her fingers move up to loop loosely around jimin's wrists, even thought she doesn't seem to have any intention of moving her hands. 'can i kiss you?' her eyes open and she sees jimin, eyes wide. 'please let me kiss you.'
jimin's hands slip off her cheeks, but they stay curled at her neck and jimin hasn't said anything or moved away, and yerin thinks she might hear a shaky 'okay', and she leans forward, barely moving because jimin is still so, so close, and then she's kissing her, and her nerve endings are dulled from alcohol but she's sure they would be in overdrive, because her blood is still singing as she moves her lips against hers.
and then yerin's tugging at jimin's shirt, trying to bring her closer, and jimin breaks away, eyes skittering all over yerin's face, and yerin's too drunk to care that she whines and pouts and reaches for jimin again, and it's jimin's turn to let out a choked laugh, reaching for the wine and taking a swig.
'need liquid courage?' yerin jokes, trying to muster amusement she doesn't feel, and jimin shakes her head (yerin hasn't noticed her hands shaking).
'that's- no-' she stumbles to her feet, wine put aside again and then she's kissing yerin again, leaning over her and yerin tugs at her waist, trying to get her into her lap.
'i'll squash you,' jimin whispers again yerin's lips, resisting, and yerin shakes her head.
'no.' yerin manages to wrap her arms around jimin's waist and pulls her down, and part of her thinks she's dreaming.
yerin loses track of how long they kiss, but she has jimin on her back on the couch, and her dress has fallen to the tops of her thighs, and yerin has wanted this for a while now, and she can hardly believe it's actually happening, and she's struck by a fear that it'll never happen again, and with this fuelling her she's pushing jimin's dress up.
'yerin-' jimin mutters, fingers curling around yerin's, and yerin looks up at her.
'please?' she's not above begging, not above taking whatever she can get in this small miracle that's been granted, and there's a bubble of held-breath silence they're hanging in until jimin's fingers let up and she gives a small nod and yerin leans down to kiss her again before pulling jimin's dress over her head.
she takes a second to just look, gently brushing jimin's hands away from her her stomach, laying her palms flat.
'you lost so much weight for your solo,' yerin murmurs, and jimin shifts.
'i needed to.'
'no you didn't,' yerin replies lightly, pressing her lips so jimin's jaw and down her neck. 'you're just as beautiful either way.'
jimin doesn't say anything, just runs her hand over yerin's shoulder, fingers dipping down the back of her t-shirt as yerin kisses her way over the swell of her breasts, and jimin's breath catches in her throat.
yerin's kissed her way onto jimin's stomach when the exhaustion and wine hit her and she slumps, curling up and resting her cheek on jimin's stomach, warm against her cheek, her fingers idly skittering along jimin's thigh.
they lie there for a bit, yerin humming a tune idly and fiddling with the edge of jimin's panties, and jimin running her hands through yerin's hair, her fingernails scratching lightly against her scalp.
'you sleepy?' jimin asks after a while and yerin hums in assent, nodding her head where it's lying on jimin's tummy. 'you wanna go to bed?'
'wanna keep kissing you,' yerin replies sleepily, any ideas of not being honest long gone.
'okay,' jimin says after a pause, slowly sitting up, 'but first let's get you into bed.'
yerin's lax as jimin walks her to the bathroom, hands her her toothbrush, swaying a little as she stands. she spits, rinses and leans against jimin, eyes closed as she allows jimin to guide her.
she looks around when she feels jimin detach from her, feeling as if she's about to fall over if her eyes stay closed, and belatedly realises they're in jimin's room. jimin's hand hovers over a t-shirt before she glances back at yerin and retracts her hand, resolutely climbing under the blankets.
yerin watches as they move, and then jimin's tossing her bra aside and yerin's breath catches.
'need pajamas?' jimin asks, steel mixing with tentativeness in her voice and yerin shakes her head mutely, holding out her hand when she knocks herself a bit off balance. 'need help?' jimin has a small smile on her face. and yerin shakes her head again.
it takes her a few beats longer than normal to take her shirt off, and she's almost defeated by her jeans, but then she's standing there, hesitating only momentarily before keeping eye contact with jimin as she unhooks her bra, trying to ascertain where she's looking.
jimin shifts over wordlessly, holding the blankets up for yerin to climb under, and then they're lying facing each other, quiet in the dim light.
yerin reaches up and traces jimin's lips with her finger. 'have you ever slept with anyone?' she asks.
'no,' jimin replies, pinks dusting her cheeks, and yerin gives a nod, hair rustling on the pillow case.
'good,' she says, eyes following her fingers as they danced over jimin's shoulders, following the line of her arm until she tangles their fingers together. 'you're too good for some dirtbag to use for sex.' she yawns, her eyes slipping shut. 'far too good for me,' she murmurs, missing jimin's brow furrowing.
'you have no idea what you're worth,' jimin whispers as she drifts off, and she's gone.
11.
it's been four days, and jimin's pissed, because yerin is definitely avoiding her now. she was gone when jimin woke up, and jimin found her dress folded and placed outside her room, and she hasn't seen hide or hair of her since.
so jimin messages her 'what are you doing tonight?' until she replies, and it takes almost a week, but jimin's enlisted help- if yerin won't see her alone, then maybe she'll see her with more people around.
finally, she's gotten her to promise to show up, and jimin hums in mild agreement as bambam sighs and says it's been far too long since they all hung out, and it was such a good idea.
12.
yerin doesn't want to admit she hesitates outside her own front door, but she does. she knows jimin is going to be there, and she almost flakes and backs out. she closes her eyes and shakes her head before heading in, not long before the others were meant to arrive.
she feels bad when jimin visibly relaxes in relief at the sight of her. 'hi,' she says quietly and jimin smiles at her.
'long time no see,' she says dryly and yerin clears her throat, moving to put her bag in her room.
'so,' jimin says when she reemerges, leaning against the couch, 'are we going to talk about it?'
yerin freezes. 'talk about what?'
'the reason you've been avoiding me for a week.'
'i haven't- i don't want to talk about it.'
jimin folds her arms. 'i think we kind of have to.'
'no we don't,' yerin says immediately, and jimin makes a face.
'yerin, you said some things and then- i just want to know what you meant, what- what it was all about-'
'what do you want me to say?' yerin snaps, embarrassment and shame fuelling her words, working her up. 'i fucked up, okay, i never meant to say any of that to you. i never meant to tell you that i- you were never meant to know that i think about you more than i should, in ways i really shouldn't. we're friends, goddamnit, colleagues, and i'm not going to fuck all of that up and throw it all away because of a stupid crush, it's not fair to you, to me, to anyone. and now you want to talk about it? talk about how i was stupid and careless and drunk and kissed you and-' yerin waves her hand, too hazy with panic to think of the exact words to describe what had happened past the kissing, 'and now you probably hate me and don't want to live or work with me-'
'yerin-'
she powers on. 'and i get it, okay, i get it, but i don't want to talk about how i fucked everything up because of a stupid, drunken mistake!' she's breathing heavily, her heart pounding in her ears.
'yerin,' jimin says again, but it doesn't sink in until jimin's grabbing her arms. 'yerin!'
she starts, subsiding and meeting jimin's gaze.
'you were drunk,' jimin says, 'but i was completely sober.'
yerin blinks. 'sober.'
jimin nods. 'hundred percent. i knew exactly what i was doing.'
yerin has to admit she'd glossed over that part. she blames it on the alcohol making everyone else seem drunk as well, and her breath is catching in her throat as she tries to reconcile this with everything else.
there's a banging on the door before either of them can say anything else, and a lazy call of 'come open the door, you bitches.'
jimin glances past her and then back at her. 'you okay to deal with them?' she asks and yerin nods.
'yeah,' she breathes, and jimin nods, fingers brushing her arm as she walks past her to let the boys in.
10.
the thing is, jimin's insecure as anything, especially about her body, and it takes her a lot to be able to let that go. but it's yerin, and she's so sincere and jimin takes the risk. she has no idea where this came from, but she's not going to question it- not immediately, anyway.
the entire time, she kind of feels like she's in a mirage, and she daren't make any sudden movements or loud noises for fear of it dissipating. it takes her a little longer to fall asleep, yerin breathing softly next to her, and jimin just lies there and mulls everything over that had happened, everything she had dismissed the idea of before it had taken root, and falls asleep still holding yerin's hand.
there might be something in between jealousy and intimidation.
13.
the boys brought the alcohol, and yerin has half a mind to ask how they'd managed that- but she knows there are many loopholes in constant supervision, many ways to work around things. however it happened she's glad at the amount they brought, her mind still reeling from jimin's words and she figures she's not the only one who just needs to forget for a bit.
'how about we make a promise that all phones are to be packed far away tonight,' yugyeom says after jisoo arrives, his words light in the way that's trying to mask too many feelings, and the girls wince as bambam lets out a short groan.
'now that you've brought that up, i'm getting the glasses,' he mutters darkly, and yerin doesn't bother pointing him in their direction. he knows where they are.
'how are you all doing?' jimin asks, concerned after they've settled in the lounge, and bambam gives her a look.
'how about when the alcohol's out, we stop talking about that,' he retaliates and jimin gives a humourless laugh, raising her glass in a cheers.
'to the end of your tour,' she says, and drinks half the cup in one go.
'you have a solo coming up, don't you?' jisoo says to jimin, and she nods.
'yeah. first mini album.'
'that's exciting,' jisoo says.
jimin hums. 'yeah. it's turning out well.'
'and your solo went well.' jisoo turns to yerin this time, and yerin shrugs from where she's curled up at the end of the couch, so very aware of not touching jimin.
'says the leader of the hottest girlgroup on the scene right now.'
jisoo ducks her head. 'it's a bit overwhelming,' she admits, 'there's a lot of public pressure, on all sorts of things.'
'the expectations are hard,' yugyeom mumbles, and yerin notices he's already on his second glass. 'it's like they don't want us to just- live.'
'you know that's not everyone,' jimin points out, and yugyeom sighs.
'sometimes it's hard to remember that.'
'still banned from sns?' yerin asks and bambam snorts.
'it's a miracle we still have our phones.'
'it'll blow over,' jisoo says confidently.
'it's just stupid and frustrating,' bambam mumbles, staring into his drink.
'it's not-'
'not the reasons,' bambam cuts jimin off, looking up, 'i get the reasons, i get why people are mad, i know now. but i can't do anything. i'm not allowed to do anything to try fix it.' he knocks back his drink and yerin holds out her glass for a refill when he fills his own. 'i don't really want to-' he shakes his head. 'what about you guys? anything interesting happen recently?'
yerin disguises her panicked coughing as her drink going down the wrong way, frantically waving jimin away when she tries to pat her on the back.
she can feel jimin's eyes on her, can feel her silence almost palpably.
'no,' jimin says, her voice sounding distant to yerin's ears 'nothing. just work.'
'boring,' yugyeom comments, his voice lacklustrely teasing in an attempt to inject levity into the conversation.
'sorry we're not all jetsetters,' jimin shot back, taking up the bait gratefully.
it's not like there wasn't laughter as the night wore on, but the alcohol went down quickly, far too quickly for everything to be okay, and yerin found herself lapsing into silence at the merest whisper of anything not strictly platonic; finds herself oscillating between drawing away from jimin and trying to get any physical contact she could as the alcohol blurred out the edges of her mind.
'are you all going to crash here?' jimin asks, after the clock's ticked past midnight and there are barely dregs left in the bottle and jisoo had long since been sent to curl up in jimin's bed after falling asleep on yerin's shoulder (yerin's not surprised, she'd been exhausted when she'd walked in).
'i call dibs on the couch,' bambam says in reply, and yugyeom sticks a thumbs up from where he's lying on the floor.
'i'm good here,' he slurs, eyes already closed, and jimin stumbles to her room, coming back and tossing spare blankets at them.
'come on, yerinnie,' jimin says after bambam's collapsed on the couch, feet poking at yerin's thighs. 'time for bed.'
yerin blinks up at jimin's outstretched arms and reaches out to take her hands, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet, only stumbling a little bit.
'where're you going to sleep, jimin?' bambam yawns, and jimin blinks as if she hadn't considered this.
'with jisoo, i guess,' she says, and something white hot that feels a lot like jealousy sears through yerin.
'no,' she blurts, 'sleep with me.'
'ayyy,' bambam says laughingly, face buried in the couch pillows and yerin flushes even though she knows he means nothing by it, and jimin blinks at her.
'i mean,' yerin stammers, 'why wake her up? you can sleep with-' yerin's breath hitches. '-in my bed.'
jimin stares at her for a long while, and yerin can't focus enough to try decipher the look she's giving her.
'okay,' she says eventually, and bambam starts.
'jesus, you guys are still here?' he grumbles, turning slightly to squint at them over his shoulder. 'go cuddle.'
jimin pulls the covers over his head as she passes, going the opposite way around the couch as yerin, and yerin hold her breath as she holds the door open for jimin to pass through.
they're left in darkness when yerin closes the door behind them, and yerin belatedly realises the living room light is still burning when there's a sliver of gold under the door, but she's too transfixed by jimin's eyes on her.
it feels like they're in a vacuum and time keeps falling away around them.
'i can always just go sl-' jimin starts, fingers fidgeting at the hem of her dress and yerin cuts her off hurriedly.
'no,' she says, 'stay.'
'stay?' jimin repeats, voice lilting up at the end of the words and yerin nods.
'please,' she replies, her voice barely above a breath.
jimin nods slowly, not breaking eye contact, and it's a few beats before yerin slowly lifts her t-shirt over her head. she almost misses the catch in jimin's breath, and her eyes darting over her torso before coming back to meet her eyes. yerin can see jimin swallow, and then she's pushing her pants down and yerin eyes follow the movement as they fall to the floor, eyes trailing back up her legs, at her shirt brushing her thighs.
yerin's throat feels dry despite how much she's drunk, and she's fumbling with her pants button before she's stepping out of those, and it's as if there's an unspoken agreement, jimin waiting until yerin's standing there in her underwear before tugging on the edge of her own shirt, and then yerin can hear her own breath catch as her eyes trail over jimin's body, at her hand hovering hesitantly by her stomach, and she raises her eyes to meet jimin's eyes, not feeling as drunk as she had five minutes before. there's a different kind of intoxication running through her veins now, a different kind of fire, and yerin's not sure who moves first- she thinks it might be her- but within seconds her hand is trailing through jimin's hair and she's kissing her hungrily.
jimin's hands are hot against her skin, and they stumble as they move towards yerin's bed, too engrossed in the moment in each other.
yerin's fingers dance up jimin's spine until they hit the clasp of her bra, and then yerin has to untangle her fingers from jimin's hair, needing two hands to deal with the clasp, and they're still kissing when it's undone, jimin's bra straps falling down her shoulders.
yerin's reaching behind her own back even as she backs jimin towards the bed, jimin allowing her bra to fall off, without them stopping kissing, and it's only when yerin's on top of her on the bed, knees on either side of her thighs, all clothing except their panties discarded, jimin's breath coming heavy as yerin kisses her way down her neck, that yerin remembers they're not alone in the house.
she pulls back, her own breath coming heavily, and looks down at jimin, her lips slick and red, her hair spread around her head on her pillow, and decides she doesn't care.
they kiss as if they'll never have another chance, and yerin thinks maybe they won't, but she ignores that thought in favour of shifting so she wasn't quite on top of jimin, so her leg slips between jimin's thighs, relishing the light touch of jimin's fingers brushing against her side, against her breast, shyly and then more confidently, cupping her breast, her thumb grazing yerin's nipple.
yerin's fingers are tugging at the edge of jimin's panties, when jimin pulls back from where she's alternating between pressing her lips against yerin's jaw and her lips.
'have you ever slept with anyone?' she whispers, and it takes yerin a few moments to remember asking her that same question.
'not like this,' she replies, head spinning as she meets jimin's eyes. not with anyone who means anything.
'like this?' jimin asks, hand running down yerin's side, thumb hooking on her panties, pulling them down a bit. she moves her leg, presses her thigh against yerin's crotch. 'like this?' she repeats.
'yeah,' yerin breathes, 'like this.'
'good,' jimin whispers fiercely, and seals her lips against yerin's again, rolling them so she was on top, thigh pressing firmly between yerin's and yerin lets out a gasp, rolling her hips and pressing down firmer, trying to get some pressure.
yerin's aware that the fire coursing through her body is a fraction of what she would be feeling without alcohol numbing her nerve endings, but she's still hyper aware of jimin's tongue on her nipple jimin's fingers against the front of her panties, and she bites her lips to keep her gasps from falling out too loudly when jimin's fingers cautiously push her panties aside.
when they get too hard to hold back, when yerin feels like she can't possibly keep quiet, she shifts, tugs jimin up and turn them over again, moving down jimin's body, and she hears jimin's breath catch when her lips press against her stomach, catching the very top of her panties.
it's new for both of them, as yerin carefully removes jimin's panties, as she gently presses her hands against her thighs as she leans down to taste her.
yerin's euphoric at the reactions she gets out of jimin, feeling her muscles tense and relax under her hands, her lips, her tongue. it's new, but yerin throws herself wholeheartedly into the experience, until jimin has a pillow over her face to muffle her whimpering, and yerin has a flash of regret that they can't be as loud as they want- she wants to hear every sound jimin makes, every huff of breath, every moan, whine and whimper she can elicit from her, but she will take what she can get, ravenously and desperately.
yerin doesn't know how much time passes, jimin pulling her up her body after a while, hazy impressions on fingers and tongues all over, and kissing, and kissing and kissing, jimin's lips a firebrand on yerin's skin until alcohol and exhaustion crept up on them, their lips lazy now, gentle push and pull against each other, eyes closed, until one or both of them drift off, into a heavy sleep.
part 2