my 25 favorite tv characters ever
this seems to be the meme du jour among producers seeking to do anything but writing (see whedonesque and james gunn) so here’s my contribution to the canon…
the rules:
- no puppets or cartoons.
- no mini-series.
- no reality show people.
- all characters must be regulars on the show.
1. jack bauer, 24 - because he fulfills my every fantasy of using violence to solve complex geopolitical issues and i’m not ashamed to admit it. i wish i could go through life saying “i’m gonna need a hacksaw.”
2. william “bill” maxwell, the greatest american hero - watch this dude fire his gun from the courthouse steps during the credit sequence and tell me there is someone cooler… “scenario!”
3. sonny crockett, miami vice - ok - maybe there is someone cooler then bill maxwell... mock the linen suits, the pastel shirts. mock the stubble all you want, but really, who is cooler than sonny? the answer is none… none more cool.
4. lorelai gilmore, gilmore girls - a unique televisiual invention, as charming as she is infuriating: i feel like she is my best friend and neighbor, only not in that creepy way in which i am dissociated from reality and think television is real.
(if i was in a fanwanking mood, i’d stick emily and richard gilmore, paris geller, lane and mrs. kim, luke danes and sebastian bach as “gil” to this list and just be done with it)
5. dr. leonard mccoy - as much as i love classic trek, the only character in that series to make the list: the model of crotchety humanism and liquor-soaked horse-sense, and the only character from that series with whom i could stand to go on a fishing trip.
6. TIE: dirk benedict as “starbuck”/katee sackhoff as “starbuck” - one was a child’s dream of swaggering gunslinger-hood, the other an irresistibly damaged grrl who would play stickball with your guts. damn, my priorities have changed.
7. colonel john “hannibal” smith, the a-team - because i love it when a plan comes together.
8. david addison, moonlighting - for the last twenty years the name for “great banter” on the lips of every person who cares about good writing has been “dave & maddie": ‘nuff said.
9. chloe o’brien, 24 - she makes extreme social maladjustment look like a quality you would demand in a potential mate: if the entire fifth season of 24 had consisted solely of chloe sitting in that hotel bar tasering men who hit on her, they would have just mailed them the emmy already.
10. david tennant as doctor who - there’s a new doctor in town, and he is, indeed, fit to pack tom baker’s lunch.
11. kirk gleason, gilmore girls - his every appearance on the screen is a masterful dadaist haiku.
12. TIE: jimmy berlutti, the practice/corky, tales of the gold monkey/chief tyrol, battlestar galactica - all hail the hypercompetent everyman who will never get his due (or the girl) but keeps the entire enterprise afloat while the pretty goes off to have subplots. this bud’s for you.
13. captain benjamin sisko, star trek: deep space nine - and i specify "captain" because my love for this character was cemented when they dropped all pretense and just allowed avery brooks to play it as “a man called hawk” in space.
14. bill haverchuck, freaks and geeks - in spite of my unnatural attraction to lindsay weir, this one has to go to haverchuck: the montage of his life as a latchkey kid is indelibly etched in my memory as sheer televisual poetry.
15. dr. douglas ross, ER - “how dare you treat your child like that - he is a little kid!” and there, a new standard of cool was born.
16. angela chase, my so-called life - without a doubt, i was brian krakow to someone’s angela chase when i was in high school. sad but true.
17/18. steven hill as “daniel briggs” in mission: impossible and steven hill as “adam schiff” in law & order - before peter graves as jim phelps there was daniel briggs, the very model of quiet competence. after daniel briggs there was adam schiff, the very model of cranky authoritarianism and the only character out of that franchise with whom i truly identify (because i’m generally cranky and grudging in all of my human interactions).
19. ricky ricardo - who, as a cuban friend of mine so aptly put it, “made it safe for latinos to be funny AND have sex with american women” - thanks ricky!
20. ilya kuryakin, the man from U.N.C.L.E. - singlehandedly making the world safe for black turtlenecks.
21. jamie buchman, mad about you - there’s two kind of men out there, men who want to marry jamie buchman, and LIARS!
22/23. gil gerard as “buck rogers” and lee majors as “the six million dollar man” - for me, these two meatballs stand on either side of the 1970’s like the kings of gondor at the argonath.
24. saul tigh, battlestar galactica - i’ve already written about this guy at great length, but it bears repeating: send michael hogan an emmy, for frack’s sake!
25. …and jerry mathers, as the beaver.
the rules:
- no puppets or cartoons.
- no mini-series.
- no reality show people.
- all characters must be regulars on the show.
1. jack bauer, 24 - because he fulfills my every fantasy of using violence to solve complex geopolitical issues and i’m not ashamed to admit it. i wish i could go through life saying “i’m gonna need a hacksaw.”
2. william “bill” maxwell, the greatest american hero - watch this dude fire his gun from the courthouse steps during the credit sequence and tell me there is someone cooler… “scenario!”
3. sonny crockett, miami vice - ok - maybe there is someone cooler then bill maxwell... mock the linen suits, the pastel shirts. mock the stubble all you want, but really, who is cooler than sonny? the answer is none… none more cool.
4. lorelai gilmore, gilmore girls - a unique televisiual invention, as charming as she is infuriating: i feel like she is my best friend and neighbor, only not in that creepy way in which i am dissociated from reality and think television is real.
(if i was in a fanwanking mood, i’d stick emily and richard gilmore, paris geller, lane and mrs. kim, luke danes and sebastian bach as “gil” to this list and just be done with it)
5. dr. leonard mccoy - as much as i love classic trek, the only character in that series to make the list: the model of crotchety humanism and liquor-soaked horse-sense, and the only character from that series with whom i could stand to go on a fishing trip.
6. TIE: dirk benedict as “starbuck”/katee sackhoff as “starbuck” - one was a child’s dream of swaggering gunslinger-hood, the other an irresistibly damaged grrl who would play stickball with your guts. damn, my priorities have changed.
7. colonel john “hannibal” smith, the a-team - because i love it when a plan comes together.
8. david addison, moonlighting - for the last twenty years the name for “great banter” on the lips of every person who cares about good writing has been “dave & maddie": ‘nuff said.
9. chloe o’brien, 24 - she makes extreme social maladjustment look like a quality you would demand in a potential mate: if the entire fifth season of 24 had consisted solely of chloe sitting in that hotel bar tasering men who hit on her, they would have just mailed them the emmy already.
10. david tennant as doctor who - there’s a new doctor in town, and he is, indeed, fit to pack tom baker’s lunch.
11. kirk gleason, gilmore girls - his every appearance on the screen is a masterful dadaist haiku.
12. TIE: jimmy berlutti, the practice/corky, tales of the gold monkey/chief tyrol, battlestar galactica - all hail the hypercompetent everyman who will never get his due (or the girl) but keeps the entire enterprise afloat while the pretty goes off to have subplots. this bud’s for you.
13. captain benjamin sisko, star trek: deep space nine - and i specify "captain" because my love for this character was cemented when they dropped all pretense and just allowed avery brooks to play it as “a man called hawk” in space.
14. bill haverchuck, freaks and geeks - in spite of my unnatural attraction to lindsay weir, this one has to go to haverchuck: the montage of his life as a latchkey kid is indelibly etched in my memory as sheer televisual poetry.
15. dr. douglas ross, ER - “how dare you treat your child like that - he is a little kid!” and there, a new standard of cool was born.
16. angela chase, my so-called life - without a doubt, i was brian krakow to someone’s angela chase when i was in high school. sad but true.
17/18. steven hill as “daniel briggs” in mission: impossible and steven hill as “adam schiff” in law & order - before peter graves as jim phelps there was daniel briggs, the very model of quiet competence. after daniel briggs there was adam schiff, the very model of cranky authoritarianism and the only character out of that franchise with whom i truly identify (because i’m generally cranky and grudging in all of my human interactions).
19. ricky ricardo - who, as a cuban friend of mine so aptly put it, “made it safe for latinos to be funny AND have sex with american women” - thanks ricky!
20. ilya kuryakin, the man from U.N.C.L.E. - singlehandedly making the world safe for black turtlenecks.
21. jamie buchman, mad about you - there’s two kind of men out there, men who want to marry jamie buchman, and LIARS!
22/23. gil gerard as “buck rogers” and lee majors as “the six million dollar man” - for me, these two meatballs stand on either side of the 1970’s like the kings of gondor at the argonath.
24. saul tigh, battlestar galactica - i’ve already written about this guy at great length, but it bears repeating: send michael hogan an emmy, for frack’s sake!
25. …and jerry mathers, as the beaver.