you overthink too much sometimes, Cyr. (part 1 of 2)
"Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things which are involved in haunting and harassing difficulties and obscurities now."
- Mark Twain
I... I am overthinking things. I am questioning myself. I am second-guessing myself. I am... doubting who I am and what I am capable of. It's more than just stress over an application. It's stress over the idea of what I am doing is acceptable or not. Even if I know rationally, there is always a chance for rejection for everything--I can't stop and think rationally that it would be fine to just submit the idea, the universe, I have already planned out in my mind.
I should be fine with it. I was fine with it before but now? I'm not. I'm so terribly not and it's more than just an application, it's more to the point of me finding the flaws in my alternative universes, my What-If scenarios. The plot holes, the physics, EVERYTHING about it seems off, wrong. Impossible.
And this is not just about Gale, this is about Beast. This is about Quartz. This is about that Bastard muse I swore I would never create a journal for. This is about every single AU character I have in my head at this time. (Shiva, Lazaras, Arcee, Bumblebee, Tony Stark, Jim Kirk--Everyone.) I'm looking into their universes and finding the flaws in my logic, in my realities for them. I'm finding all these tidbits that suddenly make them seem not themselves in canon.
Granted, it's AU, there is always a chance for them to change but is it too much? Is it tearing the character apart to fit an idea that is by all means not canon?
Beast, the Fallen Lion turned Reluctant Sorcerer
Beast, for instance, is a Sorcerer. He's a fallen Knight turned Sorcerer. His knight bond with Rinoa was weak enough for Ultimecia to reach out, touch that bond and manipulate him into being her Knight, albeit Beast managed to regain control of himself near the end and chose to destroy Ultimecia so she wouldn't harm the others and stop them from ending the Conflict.
The absorption of her Sorcery? Accidental by all means, although there was probably that Knight complex of his where in the back of his mind he knew the only viable candidate for the Sorcery (by default) was Terra. And the idea of Terra who is already very, very powerful and at the same time being a Sorceress? That scared me and so... that's how Beast became a Sorcerer but then Shinryu took an interest and Beast found himself under the thumb (so to speak) because it was Shinryu and Cid who manipulated that Conflict, repeating it every time it supposedly "ended".
But that didn't mean Beast decided to be completely, utterly submissive to Shinryu. Instead, he chose to force himself to be manipulative, to be the enemy for the sake of taking control of the situation and preventing Shinryu and Cid from repeating the Conflict.
He accepted that even if he could go back to his world, he wouldn't--not as he was, not as a Sorcerer--especially if he can help the Cosmos Warriors return to their own worlds for good by making the Conflict as "interesting" he can for Shinryu and Cid to be satisfied by it. That they would (hopefully) freely return everyone back to their own world. If not, well, there was always the plan to let Shinryu and Cid repeat the Conflict once more (this time with Beast on the side of Chaos).
Only that time, Beast would actively try to create an alliance between Chaos and Cosmos so that they would rebel and hopefully destroy the Dragon, thereby ending the Conflict completely.
Beast... is a man of good intentions, no matter how much of an ass he might seem to be on the surface. It's an act that is slowly being ingrained into his soul but it's his private mission and duty that keeps him sane and morally "righteous". I mean, come on, Sorcery is a "gift" from the god of Hyne to Women. And Women... give "life".
They are the Mothers and Magic can be creation and life, not just destruction. Women, via biology, are able of producing and holding life inside their womb (granted, they still need the donation of the man, but you get the point. Right?) Sorcery seems to be more on the destructive side and is in need of a balancing factor of creation. By choosing a woman who can "create", then it's possible that it could be satisfied until the destructive power of Sorcery starts to overwhelm. That's where Knights come in, they take on that excess Destructive energy and use it to protect their Sorceress.
In my mind, men in Final Fantasy VIII aren't biologically capable of being Sorcerers. It's in their makeup, call it Lack of Womb theory or whatever, I don't care about it much right now. There might have been instances in the past but they just weren't stable. Magically and mentally stable and capable of holding that much power.
And in a way, I suppose I can say that why Adel looks so Masculine is that overly buildup of Destructive Sorcery in her. As far as we know, she has no Knight and toward the end of her Reign as Empress of Esthar, she was looking for an heir, probably realizing that the Sorcery would just destroy her from the inside out.
Is this making sense? On most days, in my head, yes it does. On other days? No not really but what can I say? I've invested a lot of thought into Beast and hell, I enjoy it most of the time. Unless I go out and overthink it.
Anyway, I guess... Beast is interesting to me because it's more than just my simple desire to make a Martyr out of a Squall (I always want to do that. No matter what) but it's also to test out a theory of a What if (Men and Sorcery and the consequences) and the fact that well... Sooner or later, this Squall will either be completely redeemed (unlikely) for his actions or go completely, utterly insane due to the Sorcery wanting to find the right host (more likely than I want to admit).
I mean, Beast... will never have a Knight, outside the fact that Lionheart is now Knight Heart (the blade is reddish purple or is it purplish red? I can't remember right now) and even if he somehow needed one... I don't see that lasting either.
Beast is already, or was, a Knight prior to being a Sorcerer and that also puts another spin on his AU. He knows what Sorceresses are capable off. He knows that a Knight is a balancing aspect. He knows how to handle whatever excess power, the Sorceress couldn't control. However, as a Sorcerer... he can't actually handle controlling the Sorcery constantly for the long term. It's why I know damn well, he's going to explode unless something else helps him leech off some of that power--whether it be him losing Sorcery completely, or him just literally losing it (literally).
It's a dangerous balancing act. Beast and Sorcery and I'm hoping I will someday see an end to it, assuming I keep his voice in my head for that long. *wry*
There's probably more to him than what I wrote here but if anyone is actually reading this... I still intend to do a timeline of events and/or summary and/or fic of his pre-Ultimania days.
Did you know that just last week, I was considering to applying him and not Gale at Gauntlet? Hell, I was actually thinking he might be more interesting until I found out he's not the right Squall for me to play in that game. Or any real honest to goodness Serious, Application needed RP. He's too... detailed and out there and he can easily become Godlike and/or OoC if I don't catch myself.
Quartz, a resigned SeeD with nothing left to live for.
Quartz as I have mentioned before is my worst case scenario Squall from DFF.
Cosmos's side lost the Conflict.
Completely and utterly failed.
And because of that, they are slowly becoming the minions of the "Victors" or rather the Puppets of Shinryu and Cid in preparation for the next Conflict restart, in which another version of the Main DFF cast is summoned to take part in the Conflict.
It's almost but not quite the Clone scenario, this AU, but at the same time you have to wonder, why exactly there are so many Manikins. How many times have the Conflict taken place? Really? You fight several Manikins who are just the crystalized versions of the Heroes and Villains but aside from Cid and Shinryuu creating them just for the sake, what if they were the fallen warriors of previous Conflicts? Well, then you have my Quartz AU.
Squall didn't seem the type to fail willingly or move on from a failure easily. He's resilient, he's stubborn. He wants to do his best and always succeed in his duty but if you think about it... Failure is never really an option for people in his position. He's a Commander of an entire Garden at the age of 17. He lead a team of SeeDs and a Sorceress against another Sorceress to stop Time Compression. He had all these responsibilities that he probably never gave it much thought (or maybe he gave it way too much thought) on the idea of what happened if they didn't succeed.
How would he cope from a such a large defeat? He wouldn't. Not easily, in my mind.
Now add in the fact that he's watching all his comrades become the very mindless puppets he fought in the Conflict. The Locusts of Manikins he defeated to find his true Enemy and regain his Crystal. It's not an immediate process either. It's slow, gradual. It happens over time, little by little.
Pieces of their skin starts to harden into Crystal but then there are the times when those fracture off revealing regular flesh but that's only a false hope. Hope that would later break most of them. And sooner or later when they fully become Manikins, they'll just attack their "former" comrades because that's what they are "programmed" to do. They're fighting machines, they're puppets. They have no will and for the most part, they might not even have a Soul anymore.
Scary, huh? Wow, Cyr, you make such depressing AUs if one really thinks about it.
Add in the fact that in the end, it was just Zidane and Squall being the only "survivors" until Zidane succombed... yeah, this is not one happy Squall.
He's resigned for his fate, he thinks he deserves it since he failed everyone (failed to protect the others, his world, everyone). But deep down inside, he still has that damn Knight Complex that if he finds someone in trouble, he'll go out of his way and protect them. Hyne, that's probably the only thing he needs to keep sane--a person to protect, someone who can remind him that he's not a failure, that he's not useless, that is still able to do something.
Squalls are not laidback people. They need to do things. Either something of their own choice or something that's forced on them. They have to do something or they'll go insane. They don't know how to keep still and not do anything. Even if a Squall is just thinking, his mind is still working and he's doing something.
Quartz right now is stagnant because there's nothing left for him. He only has his thoughts and that usually revolves about him thinking of all those failures, all those defeats. He lost all his friends, he had seen Ultimecia shatter the crystal that was his World's only defense against Chaos. There's nothing left for him but to wallow and dammit, he doesn't just wallow in an ocean of emo, he has to be a bastard about it too.
A bastard who rather sulk and be depressed and see anything else as a hallucination induced by the Infliction (the name for his transition from human to Manikin).
I'd also like to point out that Quartz, if his arm/leg/limb/piece of his body that is already crystallized is shattered completely (i.e. he lost a limb literally), he can actually "regrow" it due to Crystal's ability to grow. It'll be a slow and lengthy process if Quartz allows to go at it's natural speed but this regrowth ability can be sped up. At a cost.
The amount of time he'll spend as a "human" will be shortened drastically and his transition to Manikin will be hasten incredibly.
What would happen if he becomes a Manikin? Would Quartz be able to revert back to his "normal" self? I... really don't know because right now I'm only concentrating on Quartz as he is now in my head--a Man who is about become a Manikin.
Can the Infliction be stopped? No, not completely. Slowed, yes, but never stopped.
/tbc
Gale and that other Squall are up next. Like tomorrow. Maybe. Pretty sure this is already overloading the minds of whoever dared to actually read this post. Heh.
Hopefully, when I finish those, I might actually get around to finishing that App for Gauntlet and getting to Tags! Or not. Blah~.
- Mark Twain
I... I am overthinking things. I am questioning myself. I am second-guessing myself. I am... doubting who I am and what I am capable of. It's more than just stress over an application. It's stress over the idea of what I am doing is acceptable or not. Even if I know rationally, there is always a chance for rejection for everything--I can't stop and think rationally that it would be fine to just submit the idea, the universe, I have already planned out in my mind.
I should be fine with it. I was fine with it before but now? I'm not. I'm so terribly not and it's more than just an application, it's more to the point of me finding the flaws in my alternative universes, my What-If scenarios. The plot holes, the physics, EVERYTHING about it seems off, wrong. Impossible.
And this is not just about Gale, this is about Beast. This is about Quartz. This is about that Bastard muse I swore I would never create a journal for. This is about every single AU character I have in my head at this time. (Shiva, Lazaras, Arcee, Bumblebee, Tony Stark, Jim Kirk--Everyone.) I'm looking into their universes and finding the flaws in my logic, in my realities for them. I'm finding all these tidbits that suddenly make them seem not themselves in canon.
Granted, it's AU, there is always a chance for them to change but is it too much? Is it tearing the character apart to fit an idea that is by all means not canon?
Beast, the Fallen Lion turned Reluctant Sorcerer
Beast, for instance, is a Sorcerer. He's a fallen Knight turned Sorcerer. His knight bond with Rinoa was weak enough for Ultimecia to reach out, touch that bond and manipulate him into being her Knight, albeit Beast managed to regain control of himself near the end and chose to destroy Ultimecia so she wouldn't harm the others and stop them from ending the Conflict.
The absorption of her Sorcery? Accidental by all means, although there was probably that Knight complex of his where in the back of his mind he knew the only viable candidate for the Sorcery (by default) was Terra. And the idea of Terra who is already very, very powerful and at the same time being a Sorceress? That scared me and so... that's how Beast became a Sorcerer but then Shinryu took an interest and Beast found himself under the thumb (so to speak) because it was Shinryu and Cid who manipulated that Conflict, repeating it every time it supposedly "ended".
But that didn't mean Beast decided to be completely, utterly submissive to Shinryu. Instead, he chose to force himself to be manipulative, to be the enemy for the sake of taking control of the situation and preventing Shinryu and Cid from repeating the Conflict.
He accepted that even if he could go back to his world, he wouldn't--not as he was, not as a Sorcerer--especially if he can help the Cosmos Warriors return to their own worlds for good by making the Conflict as "interesting" he can for Shinryu and Cid to be satisfied by it. That they would (hopefully) freely return everyone back to their own world. If not, well, there was always the plan to let Shinryu and Cid repeat the Conflict once more (this time with Beast on the side of Chaos).
Only that time, Beast would actively try to create an alliance between Chaos and Cosmos so that they would rebel and hopefully destroy the Dragon, thereby ending the Conflict completely.
Beast... is a man of good intentions, no matter how much of an ass he might seem to be on the surface. It's an act that is slowly being ingrained into his soul but it's his private mission and duty that keeps him sane and morally "righteous". I mean, come on, Sorcery is a "gift" from the god of Hyne to Women. And Women... give "life".
They are the Mothers and Magic can be creation and life, not just destruction. Women, via biology, are able of producing and holding life inside their womb (granted, they still need the donation of the man, but you get the point. Right?) Sorcery seems to be more on the destructive side and is in need of a balancing factor of creation. By choosing a woman who can "create", then it's possible that it could be satisfied until the destructive power of Sorcery starts to overwhelm. That's where Knights come in, they take on that excess Destructive energy and use it to protect their Sorceress.
In my mind, men in Final Fantasy VIII aren't biologically capable of being Sorcerers. It's in their makeup, call it Lack of Womb theory or whatever, I don't care about it much right now. There might have been instances in the past but they just weren't stable. Magically and mentally stable and capable of holding that much power.
And in a way, I suppose I can say that why Adel looks so Masculine is that overly buildup of Destructive Sorcery in her. As far as we know, she has no Knight and toward the end of her Reign as Empress of Esthar, she was looking for an heir, probably realizing that the Sorcery would just destroy her from the inside out.
Is this making sense? On most days, in my head, yes it does. On other days? No not really but what can I say? I've invested a lot of thought into Beast and hell, I enjoy it most of the time. Unless I go out and overthink it.
Anyway, I guess... Beast is interesting to me because it's more than just my simple desire to make a Martyr out of a Squall (I always want to do that. No matter what) but it's also to test out a theory of a What if (Men and Sorcery and the consequences) and the fact that well... Sooner or later, this Squall will either be completely redeemed (unlikely) for his actions or go completely, utterly insane due to the Sorcery wanting to find the right host (more likely than I want to admit).
I mean, Beast... will never have a Knight, outside the fact that Lionheart is now Knight Heart (the blade is reddish purple or is it purplish red? I can't remember right now) and even if he somehow needed one... I don't see that lasting either.
Beast is already, or was, a Knight prior to being a Sorcerer and that also puts another spin on his AU. He knows what Sorceresses are capable off. He knows that a Knight is a balancing aspect. He knows how to handle whatever excess power, the Sorceress couldn't control. However, as a Sorcerer... he can't actually handle controlling the Sorcery constantly for the long term. It's why I know damn well, he's going to explode unless something else helps him leech off some of that power--whether it be him losing Sorcery completely, or him just literally losing it (literally).
It's a dangerous balancing act. Beast and Sorcery and I'm hoping I will someday see an end to it, assuming I keep his voice in my head for that long. *wry*
There's probably more to him than what I wrote here but if anyone is actually reading this... I still intend to do a timeline of events and/or summary and/or fic of his pre-Ultimania days.
Did you know that just last week, I was considering to applying him and not Gale at Gauntlet? Hell, I was actually thinking he might be more interesting until I found out he's not the right Squall for me to play in that game. Or any real honest to goodness Serious, Application needed RP. He's too... detailed and out there and he can easily become Godlike and/or OoC if I don't catch myself.
Quartz, a resigned SeeD with nothing left to live for.
Quartz as I have mentioned before is my worst case scenario Squall from DFF.
Cosmos's side lost the Conflict.
Completely and utterly failed.
And because of that, they are slowly becoming the minions of the "Victors" or rather the Puppets of Shinryu and Cid in preparation for the next Conflict restart, in which another version of the Main DFF cast is summoned to take part in the Conflict.
It's almost but not quite the Clone scenario, this AU, but at the same time you have to wonder, why exactly there are so many Manikins. How many times have the Conflict taken place? Really? You fight several Manikins who are just the crystalized versions of the Heroes and Villains but aside from Cid and Shinryuu creating them just for the sake, what if they were the fallen warriors of previous Conflicts? Well, then you have my Quartz AU.
Squall didn't seem the type to fail willingly or move on from a failure easily. He's resilient, he's stubborn. He wants to do his best and always succeed in his duty but if you think about it... Failure is never really an option for people in his position. He's a Commander of an entire Garden at the age of 17. He lead a team of SeeDs and a Sorceress against another Sorceress to stop Time Compression. He had all these responsibilities that he probably never gave it much thought (or maybe he gave it way too much thought) on the idea of what happened if they didn't succeed.
How would he cope from a such a large defeat? He wouldn't. Not easily, in my mind.
Now add in the fact that he's watching all his comrades become the very mindless puppets he fought in the Conflict. The Locusts of Manikins he defeated to find his true Enemy and regain his Crystal. It's not an immediate process either. It's slow, gradual. It happens over time, little by little.
Pieces of their skin starts to harden into Crystal but then there are the times when those fracture off revealing regular flesh but that's only a false hope. Hope that would later break most of them. And sooner or later when they fully become Manikins, they'll just attack their "former" comrades because that's what they are "programmed" to do. They're fighting machines, they're puppets. They have no will and for the most part, they might not even have a Soul anymore.
Scary, huh? Wow, Cyr, you make such depressing AUs if one really thinks about it.
Add in the fact that in the end, it was just Zidane and Squall being the only "survivors" until Zidane succombed... yeah, this is not one happy Squall.
He's resigned for his fate, he thinks he deserves it since he failed everyone (failed to protect the others, his world, everyone). But deep down inside, he still has that damn Knight Complex that if he finds someone in trouble, he'll go out of his way and protect them. Hyne, that's probably the only thing he needs to keep sane--a person to protect, someone who can remind him that he's not a failure, that he's not useless, that is still able to do something.
Squalls are not laidback people. They need to do things. Either something of their own choice or something that's forced on them. They have to do something or they'll go insane. They don't know how to keep still and not do anything. Even if a Squall is just thinking, his mind is still working and he's doing something.
Quartz right now is stagnant because there's nothing left for him. He only has his thoughts and that usually revolves about him thinking of all those failures, all those defeats. He lost all his friends, he had seen Ultimecia shatter the crystal that was his World's only defense against Chaos. There's nothing left for him but to wallow and dammit, he doesn't just wallow in an ocean of emo, he has to be a bastard about it too.
A bastard who rather sulk and be depressed and see anything else as a hallucination induced by the Infliction (the name for his transition from human to Manikin).
I'd also like to point out that Quartz, if his arm/leg/limb/piece of his body that is already crystallized is shattered completely (i.e. he lost a limb literally), he can actually "regrow" it due to Crystal's ability to grow. It'll be a slow and lengthy process if Quartz allows to go at it's natural speed but this regrowth ability can be sped up. At a cost.
The amount of time he'll spend as a "human" will be shortened drastically and his transition to Manikin will be hasten incredibly.
What would happen if he becomes a Manikin? Would Quartz be able to revert back to his "normal" self? I... really don't know because right now I'm only concentrating on Quartz as he is now in my head--a Man who is about become a Manikin.
Can the Infliction be stopped? No, not completely. Slowed, yes, but never stopped.
/tbc
Gale and that other Squall are up next. Like tomorrow. Maybe. Pretty sure this is already overloading the minds of whoever dared to actually read this post. Heh.
Hopefully, when I finish those, I might actually get around to finishing that App for Gauntlet and getting to Tags! Or not. Blah~.