observation about poly

[chaos_by_design]

A couple of times I've seen a monogamous couple having problems, and then they decide to go poly, and then they're broken up

Comments

[gmdreia]

I've made this exact same observation, too. I know of such a couple in my circle. I've also been in relationships (when I was *very* young) where, toward the bitter end, the one who ultimately broke up with me would suggest that we "open the relationship

[chaos_by_design]

The stable poly arrangements I've seen... seem to have started off poly.

Yeah, relationships that start off poly are a completely different animal, which was why I was careful to specify that this is about mono relationships that become poly later.

Whereas the poly people I know, if something doesn't become a relationship, it might become a friendship.

Personally I'm fine with being friends with someone with whom a relationship didn't work out with, depending on the situation. If the relationship didn't work out because the person was batshit insane, then no. But if it was for a more benign reason, that's different.

I don't think I'm really wired for poly either, but I'm kinda curious about it.

[gmdreia]

Part of my objection to going poly will be the feeling that I "settled" when what I really wanted was to be someone's "one and onwy wuv!", and my feeling of having "settled" may negatively affect any relationship I "settle" for. Kind of dubious reasoning, I know.

There's something to it, though. I felt like I settled with a few different people and I never quite got over that feeling to embrace the relationship. It was always an itch in the back of my head.

It might be different if the poly person in question were unattached at the time that we got together - I don't really want to tuck myself into a pre-existing relationship.

All the same, I am not likely to ever have a secondary partner, and that might cause a huge imbalance.

[chaos_by_design]

and my feeling of having "settled" may negatively affect any relationship I "settle" for. Kind of dubious reasoning, I know.

No, that makes sense actually.

All the same, I am not likely to ever have a secondary partner, and that might cause a huge imbalance.

This is probably my biggest issue with poly as far as why I don't personally think I can hack it. Finding one partner is challenging enough!

[sheepboyofchaos]

Sitting in the armchair psychologists comfy chair I would hypothesize that this is akin to the scenario of a couple that is having trouble and decides to have a kid to bring them closer together.... without thinking that sleep deprivation, screaming inconsolable bundles of woe at 4AM, and more poo filled diapers than you can shake a rattle are not what romance is made of.

In short, I believe some couples when facing the end of their relationship will grasp at straws... something big to hopefully change things to some new reality in which they are happier. While I don't have anything resembling scientific data here... I suspect that the success rate is poor.

And now I must close this post to deal with a screaming bundle of woe (though its only 9:40PM so not too bad).

[chaos_by_design]

Yeah, the parallels to the "having a kid to save the marriage" scenario occurred to me as well.

[chaos_by_design]

*lol*

[ooshiny]

Going to try to remember to reply to this later. Consider this a placeholder. :)

[chaos_by_design]

Please do, I'd be interested in hearing what you have to say.

[firecat]

In the poly community, we call this "Relationship broken: add more people." It works just as well as "Relationship broken: have child" does. (As other commenters noted.)

[chaos_by_design]

hahaha.