A New Year (2008)
Well here I am, a year older, a year more experienced, a year wiser. I don't know if I can say that entirely, but I suppose it works as a cliche. It's strange to think about one year ago and where I was:
Alone, miserable, anxiety-filled, in my shit studio on Hawthorne barely taking care of myself enough to function. A nineteen-year-old-boy thinking I could be an adult, live on my own, and be satisfied. Obviously not, looking at that year in retrospect.
And here's me right now: Spending Christmas with both sides of my family, feeling closer to both my mom and her boyfriend and my Dad, his wife and his son. I feel healthier, more confident, still depressed, but with the realization of a few things that make it okay. I feel more like an adult and I've been able to take care of myself, for the most part, for the majority of this year.
So let's see what I've been up to. I'm not sure where to start on this, I have (I think) quite a bit to cover and it might work better in chronological order than by topic, who knows.
Spring: As far as I can remember the big part of my life at that point was moving out of my studio and finding an apartment with Sean. And then dealing with living with someone else again. My last experience of that, the house in Boston, definitely prepared me well for what Sean would be, and has been like. Initially, that was very frustrating. And I feel like I've been able to handle that well and deal with problems as they've arisen. I guess it would be at that time that I met Julia, our apartment manager. I guess I was infatuated and then snapped back into rationality. I can't believe it now, but I suppose I really did spend from January until May looking for a job and doing jack shit else with my life besides video games (namely WoW). I got hired at Grand Central Baking Company in May and have gotten to know my coworkers a lot better since. Spent a lot of the time either playing WoW, working or hanging out on the stoop with Julia, Brandon, Cassie and Mykel. It's weird to realize that now, I was obscenely shy.
Summer: I don't remember a lot honestly. I feel like I should, I know that not much eventful happened, but it might just be my distancing that's causing this vague recollection. I do know that I am very proud of myself and my friends that I accrued for what we accomplished in WoW. And I will not regret being able to say that I formed and lead my guild from Tier Four content through Tier Six barring three bosses. 6/6 SSC 3/4 TK 5/5 MH 7/9 BT and our first of many Bear Runs. That was my accomplishment of the summer I suppose. Highlighted by downing Bloodboil, RoS, Archimonde and the aforementioned Bear Run. The last two being the best gaming moments I've had thus so far. Disbanded in August when I decided that raid leading wasn't something that I wanted to continue doing. I've been much happier since. Outside of that there was a lot of dicking around, hanging out with friends, strengthening friendships.
Fall: Also known as the best two months of my life. Starting with The Faint and ending with Sigur Ros there's no way that that two month span will be topped in the sheer awesomeness that I was able to experience. I got to see The Faint, Man Man, Girl Talk, Mogwai, Radiohead and Sigur Ros. Now, music means a lot to me, and it meant the world to me to be able to see the last three live. Two Rights Make One Wrong, Everything In Its Right Place and Untitled 8 made my year. Outside of that was PAX and Blizzcon. Winning the 3v3 tournament also made my year as a gamer and meeting Mike Morhaime was like meeting a god. It was good to see Bethany and Josh and it reminded me a lot of the more enjoyable parts of high school (the ones where I wasn't at school). And, I had sex. And that's all I really want to say about that.
Winter: I realize now that the year in recap really isn't necessary, the people reading this were pretty much all there. But, it's to help me remember and put my life into nice little categories. As far as this winter goes, I would have to say it's pretty shitty. Shitty enough to make me almost forget what kind of year its been. I wanted to summarize the entire year as shit and leave it at that, so I'm glad I went back and took a second look. I started smoking weed a bit more coming out of fall and our friends group did as well. Well to say more simply, James, Box and I joined Sean in smoking. I'm not a huge fan of it, honestly. But, it was entertainment for a bit. I was afraid at one point that James had changed enough because of marijuana that I was actually worried. Thanks for proving me wrong. Sometime around early October Britainy decided to rekindle our lost-for-a-reason friendship. After a month of stress, anxiety, and a short sting of betrayal I was informed that there was no relationship, decided I had enough of the stress inducing bullshit, and wrote it off as a one-night-stand gone wrong. A little childish, I know, considering it was probably my fault for not communicating better. I feel I'm better off nonetheless. I got a car at some point, a 1989 Saab 900 5-speed manual. Wrecked said car costing $700 to fix the entire wheel mechanism. Said car was then stolen and then found 36 hours later sans radio. Thanksgiving revealed a few things to me about myself that I wasn't sure I wanted to know and I guess I've sort of floated along since. I started smoking cigarettes more.
So, now that I'm able to look back at this year in whole I think I can talk about me now.
I've all but stopped playing WoW at this point. Granted this snow shit storm has caused a slight recession, I'm able to say that very little of my free time is invested towards that game over reading, practicing bass/guitar or even nicer things like cooking for myself. I really hope I'm able to continue saying that for months to come. I really do enjoy having the ability to say "what do I want to do today?" versus "Well I should probably go play WoW"
From work I've gained a few friendships. Jessica, my manager, is probably the person that I'm closest with at work. I'd consider myself actual friends with Rachel, Jacob, Daniel and Kerry. It's interesting to have work relationships that are stronger than I've had before, but are still just contained within work. For the most part I actually talk with these people about more than just the usual work bullshit you feed each other. And it's honestly refreshing to get a different opinion on something that's troubling you. I'm going to be very sad when I have to leave, they're a lot like family at this point, which is ridiculous I know.
I decided at some point, right before thanksgiving, that I'm not happy. I wasn't sure with what, but it was unusual for me. My life up until this point has be about doing things that make me comfortable, working an easy job, not pursuing any lofty goals. Living one-day-at-a-time. It caused me a lot of stress, a lot of lost sleep, some nicotine, walks and good music. I came to the realization that I do not want to live like this forever, and that I would like to set some sort of goal for my life. Along with that, as sort of an aftershock I realized that despite coming to such a life-altering conclusion I also needed to change how I act, on a day-to-day basis so that I can actually achieve these goals. Act with conviction. I would like to go back to school and get a degree. I cannot handle regular school without a very large drive towards a specific profession. I have waiting, passively, for this drive for over a year now. It's not going to happen, I fear. So I decided something else.
My goal:
I would like to, by Fall of 2010 (Spring of 2010 at the earliest) return to Berklee School of Music in Boston and finish with a degree.
This is going to take a lot of money, a lot of saving, and a lot of work. I feel I'm up to it. I feel as though I'm much more capable at acting on my own. I've had anxieties to deal with about doing things without friends, by myself. Normal things that don't give people problems seemed insurmountable to me. I'd like to say that I'm working towards being better at that and I'm glad.
I think this year I've finally been able to realize that, in fact, everyone in my life is human. No ones a god. My crushes shouldn't live on pedestals. My parents are people. I don't know why this was a realization and not a fact, but for some reason it took this year to startle me out of that mindset. My mom has been seeing a man named Paul Janci for over two years now and I'm glad that I've gotten to know him better over this year. He's, honestly, a good person and I'm happy to see her happy. I hope that they're able to work through their differences and that she's able to grow past the divorce with his help. If you haven't been able to meet him yet you should ask me to introduce you, he's very east coast. It's hilarious. My mom doesn't completely approve of my life at this point, but she's very understanding. It bothers me when she blows things out of proportion, but I'm very happy to be completely honest with her about my life and what I'm doing. She knows that I've gotten high, drank, smoke cigarettes and what my year has been like for the most part.
My dad does too, but he doesn't really talk to me about it. I honestly have gotten along with him much more this year now that he has almost zero control over my life. It's interesting to see where I have similar personal weaknesses as he does, and how I work past those. His year has been interesting, and based off of what happened/happens to him I've credited my decision to go back to college to that. He and Jeanne have been married a year now and in October 2008 my baby step-brother was born. Charles Norman Robinette 10-05-2008. Two months later my dad got news from Nike, his employer for the past 12 years, that he was going to be let go as a result of his poor performance. As a result he's choosing to look for work in one of two locations: San Fransisco or New York. I plan on being around for my little brother growing up. So, if things go well, I plan on moving close to wherever they end up after I'm done with school.
As far as relationships go, I think I've grown the most and yet I still feel extremely unsure of my capabilities. I learned to be more outgoing. I learned that honesty is fucking key. I learned that most people are still crazy; give them the benefit of the doubt, but don't be so enamored to ignore the bullshit. I learned that friendships are important. I learned that I hurt someone that I care about. I learned how to communicate better. I learned that I can be surprised by my own emotions. I am learning how to deal with it. My mindset there stays the same but I can see how I've grown up a little bit. Life's random; this is all practice.
I've grown. And, I'm glad to be able to see how I've grown and how I need to still grow.
My resolutions:
Talk with Berklee about going back to school
Save money
Be vegetarian
Get a tattoo
Keep smoking
Take bass lessons
Act with conviction
"Sometimes I wish I could just say what I mean...
Sometimes it just isn't right...
But most times it feels as though the memory of what never was would always be sweeter than anything that could have been"
- Kazu Kibuishi
Alone, miserable, anxiety-filled, in my shit studio on Hawthorne barely taking care of myself enough to function. A nineteen-year-old-boy thinking I could be an adult, live on my own, and be satisfied. Obviously not, looking at that year in retrospect.
And here's me right now: Spending Christmas with both sides of my family, feeling closer to both my mom and her boyfriend and my Dad, his wife and his son. I feel healthier, more confident, still depressed, but with the realization of a few things that make it okay. I feel more like an adult and I've been able to take care of myself, for the most part, for the majority of this year.
So let's see what I've been up to. I'm not sure where to start on this, I have (I think) quite a bit to cover and it might work better in chronological order than by topic, who knows.
Spring: As far as I can remember the big part of my life at that point was moving out of my studio and finding an apartment with Sean. And then dealing with living with someone else again. My last experience of that, the house in Boston, definitely prepared me well for what Sean would be, and has been like. Initially, that was very frustrating. And I feel like I've been able to handle that well and deal with problems as they've arisen. I guess it would be at that time that I met Julia, our apartment manager. I guess I was infatuated and then snapped back into rationality. I can't believe it now, but I suppose I really did spend from January until May looking for a job and doing jack shit else with my life besides video games (namely WoW). I got hired at Grand Central Baking Company in May and have gotten to know my coworkers a lot better since. Spent a lot of the time either playing WoW, working or hanging out on the stoop with Julia, Brandon, Cassie and Mykel. It's weird to realize that now, I was obscenely shy.
Summer: I don't remember a lot honestly. I feel like I should, I know that not much eventful happened, but it might just be my distancing that's causing this vague recollection. I do know that I am very proud of myself and my friends that I accrued for what we accomplished in WoW. And I will not regret being able to say that I formed and lead my guild from Tier Four content through Tier Six barring three bosses. 6/6 SSC 3/4 TK 5/5 MH 7/9 BT and our first of many Bear Runs. That was my accomplishment of the summer I suppose. Highlighted by downing Bloodboil, RoS, Archimonde and the aforementioned Bear Run. The last two being the best gaming moments I've had thus so far. Disbanded in August when I decided that raid leading wasn't something that I wanted to continue doing. I've been much happier since. Outside of that there was a lot of dicking around, hanging out with friends, strengthening friendships.
Fall: Also known as the best two months of my life. Starting with The Faint and ending with Sigur Ros there's no way that that two month span will be topped in the sheer awesomeness that I was able to experience. I got to see The Faint, Man Man, Girl Talk, Mogwai, Radiohead and Sigur Ros. Now, music means a lot to me, and it meant the world to me to be able to see the last three live. Two Rights Make One Wrong, Everything In Its Right Place and Untitled 8 made my year. Outside of that was PAX and Blizzcon. Winning the 3v3 tournament also made my year as a gamer and meeting Mike Morhaime was like meeting a god. It was good to see Bethany and Josh and it reminded me a lot of the more enjoyable parts of high school (the ones where I wasn't at school). And, I had sex. And that's all I really want to say about that.
Winter: I realize now that the year in recap really isn't necessary, the people reading this were pretty much all there. But, it's to help me remember and put my life into nice little categories. As far as this winter goes, I would have to say it's pretty shitty. Shitty enough to make me almost forget what kind of year its been. I wanted to summarize the entire year as shit and leave it at that, so I'm glad I went back and took a second look. I started smoking weed a bit more coming out of fall and our friends group did as well. Well to say more simply, James, Box and I joined Sean in smoking. I'm not a huge fan of it, honestly. But, it was entertainment for a bit. I was afraid at one point that James had changed enough because of marijuana that I was actually worried. Thanks for proving me wrong. Sometime around early October Britainy decided to rekindle our lost-for-a-reason friendship. After a month of stress, anxiety, and a short sting of betrayal I was informed that there was no relationship, decided I had enough of the stress inducing bullshit, and wrote it off as a one-night-stand gone wrong. A little childish, I know, considering it was probably my fault for not communicating better. I feel I'm better off nonetheless. I got a car at some point, a 1989 Saab 900 5-speed manual. Wrecked said car costing $700 to fix the entire wheel mechanism. Said car was then stolen and then found 36 hours later sans radio. Thanksgiving revealed a few things to me about myself that I wasn't sure I wanted to know and I guess I've sort of floated along since. I started smoking cigarettes more.
So, now that I'm able to look back at this year in whole I think I can talk about me now.
I've all but stopped playing WoW at this point. Granted this snow shit storm has caused a slight recession, I'm able to say that very little of my free time is invested towards that game over reading, practicing bass/guitar or even nicer things like cooking for myself. I really hope I'm able to continue saying that for months to come. I really do enjoy having the ability to say "what do I want to do today?" versus "Well I should probably go play WoW"
From work I've gained a few friendships. Jessica, my manager, is probably the person that I'm closest with at work. I'd consider myself actual friends with Rachel, Jacob, Daniel and Kerry. It's interesting to have work relationships that are stronger than I've had before, but are still just contained within work. For the most part I actually talk with these people about more than just the usual work bullshit you feed each other. And it's honestly refreshing to get a different opinion on something that's troubling you. I'm going to be very sad when I have to leave, they're a lot like family at this point, which is ridiculous I know.
I decided at some point, right before thanksgiving, that I'm not happy. I wasn't sure with what, but it was unusual for me. My life up until this point has be about doing things that make me comfortable, working an easy job, not pursuing any lofty goals. Living one-day-at-a-time. It caused me a lot of stress, a lot of lost sleep, some nicotine, walks and good music. I came to the realization that I do not want to live like this forever, and that I would like to set some sort of goal for my life. Along with that, as sort of an aftershock I realized that despite coming to such a life-altering conclusion I also needed to change how I act, on a day-to-day basis so that I can actually achieve these goals. Act with conviction. I would like to go back to school and get a degree. I cannot handle regular school without a very large drive towards a specific profession. I have waiting, passively, for this drive for over a year now. It's not going to happen, I fear. So I decided something else.
My goal:
I would like to, by Fall of 2010 (Spring of 2010 at the earliest) return to Berklee School of Music in Boston and finish with a degree.
This is going to take a lot of money, a lot of saving, and a lot of work. I feel I'm up to it. I feel as though I'm much more capable at acting on my own. I've had anxieties to deal with about doing things without friends, by myself. Normal things that don't give people problems seemed insurmountable to me. I'd like to say that I'm working towards being better at that and I'm glad.
I think this year I've finally been able to realize that, in fact, everyone in my life is human. No ones a god. My crushes shouldn't live on pedestals. My parents are people. I don't know why this was a realization and not a fact, but for some reason it took this year to startle me out of that mindset. My mom has been seeing a man named Paul Janci for over two years now and I'm glad that I've gotten to know him better over this year. He's, honestly, a good person and I'm happy to see her happy. I hope that they're able to work through their differences and that she's able to grow past the divorce with his help. If you haven't been able to meet him yet you should ask me to introduce you, he's very east coast. It's hilarious. My mom doesn't completely approve of my life at this point, but she's very understanding. It bothers me when she blows things out of proportion, but I'm very happy to be completely honest with her about my life and what I'm doing. She knows that I've gotten high, drank, smoke cigarettes and what my year has been like for the most part.
My dad does too, but he doesn't really talk to me about it. I honestly have gotten along with him much more this year now that he has almost zero control over my life. It's interesting to see where I have similar personal weaknesses as he does, and how I work past those. His year has been interesting, and based off of what happened/happens to him I've credited my decision to go back to college to that. He and Jeanne have been married a year now and in October 2008 my baby step-brother was born. Charles Norman Robinette 10-05-2008. Two months later my dad got news from Nike, his employer for the past 12 years, that he was going to be let go as a result of his poor performance. As a result he's choosing to look for work in one of two locations: San Fransisco or New York. I plan on being around for my little brother growing up. So, if things go well, I plan on moving close to wherever they end up after I'm done with school.
As far as relationships go, I think I've grown the most and yet I still feel extremely unsure of my capabilities. I learned to be more outgoing. I learned that honesty is fucking key. I learned that most people are still crazy; give them the benefit of the doubt, but don't be so enamored to ignore the bullshit. I learned that friendships are important. I learned that I hurt someone that I care about. I learned how to communicate better. I learned that I can be surprised by my own emotions. I am learning how to deal with it. My mindset there stays the same but I can see how I've grown up a little bit. Life's random; this is all practice.
I've grown. And, I'm glad to be able to see how I've grown and how I need to still grow.
My resolutions:
Talk with Berklee about going back to school
Save money
Be vegetarian
Get a tattoo
Keep smoking
Take bass lessons
Act with conviction
"Sometimes I wish I could just say what I mean...
Sometimes it just isn't right...
But most times it feels as though the memory of what never was would always be sweeter than anything that could have been"
- Kazu Kibuishi