So I know I haven't been updating lately and I really suck and you can all beat me up later if you want, I promise - no really that would be fun - but right now I really need your help
( Read more... )
"I smoked a lot of weed and gained about 20 pounds." should be part of the previous paragraph. I see why you rendered it in a stand alone 'graph (presumably for emphasis) but if the marker is a grammar nazi this will get red-pencilled.
" My boyfriend and I had moved from a 3 bedroom house with a full basement and a backyard and big picture windows in the heart of Nanaimo, where I could sit stoned all day and watch sea planes land, to a dripping hole just off Commercial Drive in Vancouver's east side with large exposed pipes where I could watch black mildew climb the walls. "
I removed a comma and make it one sentence.
That's about all I can spot after a cursory read-through. I have no problems at all with the tone of the essay. This is about something you truly love so why not let your enthusiasm show.
Sheesh Doheny. Proof-read your own shit, why doncha.
But, like I said, don't shy away from earnestness and enthusiasm when writing about something you love. It's easy to be snotty and 'ironic' about stuff. It takes courage to commit yourself and really mean the things you say.
It might be because I've read Roller Derby press releases so many times, but the parts where you talk about the history of Roller Derby and how Flat Track is the fastest growing sport feel far more slick than the rest of the piece; I feel like I'm suddenly reading marketing material instead of a personal memoir
( ... )
There were some grammar mistakes I came across: "I looked at the girls, my team, around me." you had "around" twice in this sentence, so I took the first one out :)
"There are 4 blockers on each team and onE “jammer”" you missed an 'e'
"But when it is not one voice but a chorus screaming at you that" the 'that' isn't necessary
"She dumPed the bag on floor spilling a dozen large strips of shiny gold fabric." should be 'dumped'
There were 1200 people at the Kerrisdale bout. I know, because i counted all the stubs...
Sending a marked up revision of first little bitmrdingleberryJuly 29 2008, 23:35:20 UTC
Tori - there's a lot here to comment on, and I think it'll be easier to do if I can send you a marked up version using Word. It allows you to track changes and make comments that can be turned on or off in the view of the page. I'm sending it now, so please try to open it and ensure that you can access my edits/comments. If you have a bit of time tonight I'll call you and go over some stuff. Let me know when a good time is - SMS me at 416.731-2696 and I'll ring you. I'd also like to send you one of my pieces in CNF to read, once this one's polished and marked with an A+++
Comments 6
" My boyfriend and I had moved from a 3 bedroom house with a full basement and a backyard and big picture windows in the heart of Nanaimo, where I could sit stoned all day and watch sea planes land, to a dripping hole just off Commercial Drive in Vancouver's east side with large exposed pipes where I could watch black mildew climb the walls. "
I removed a comma and make it one sentence.
That's about all I can spot after a cursory read-through. I have no problems at all with the tone of the essay. This is about something you truly love so why not let your enthusiasm show.
Reply
Sheesh Doheny. Proof-read your own shit, why doncha.
But, like I said, don't shy away from earnestness and enthusiasm when writing about something you love. It's easy to be snotty and 'ironic' about stuff. It takes courage to commit yourself and really mean the things you say.
Reply
Reply
That is fantastic!
There were some grammar mistakes I came across:
"I looked at the girls, my team, around me." you had "around" twice in this sentence, so I took the first one out :)
"There are 4 blockers on each team and onE “jammer”" you missed an 'e'
"But when it is not one voice but a chorus screaming at you that" the 'that' isn't necessary
"She dumPed the bag on floor spilling a dozen large strips of shiny gold fabric." should be 'dumped'
There were 1200 people at the Kerrisdale bout. I know, because i counted all the stubs...
Strong work Box, Strong work!
love Major A$$ets
Reply
Clay
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment