(no subject)
Sooo... change. I remember making a post... a bit under a year ago...? about the same kinda thing.... 's been on my mind for about a week or so now, so I figured I might as well just write something down to mebbe get it off my mind or something. Partly because I decided to finally bother trying to change myself. Anyway, the other post? Something about how everyone, everything was changing, and I wasn't, but... I realized now that's not true.
I have changed. A lot.
I've changed for school, for work, for other people, for... all sorts of reasons. It's all been so little, so gradual, though, it hasn't even been noticeable.
Little things I'll pick up from other people, sort of like a chao. Personality traits, habits, words and phrases, fwah...
Habits and ideas form a lot just out of people around me, or stuff from school, or, formerly, from church... though, a lot of the ideas/values/morals etc. I've pretty much thought out for myself, but a lot of them have their basis in exactly that, or of course the opposites.
I've always liked that part of me, that whole... malleability. Adaptable to any situation, shapable, moldable to whatever I wanted or needed to... or so I thought. It seems to be more like I've always been changing myself to what I thought everyone else wanted. For about as long as I can remember.
It didn't really seem particularly significant before, but, really... I seem to be a completely different person depending on where I am or who I'm with. School, work, home, friends in real life, friends online, forums... and that's just to start.
There are at least three distinct "sides" to who I am, closer to three... hence the new char. There is, of course, the rational, logical side - to a fault. And then the emotional, instinctive, intuitive side - also to a fault. The third is kinda... vague, I suppose. The cliche "dark side" that everyone supposedly has [insert dramatic music]. Pure pessimism, selfish, etc.
I know everyone has these things, but normally it's kinda blended all together into you're personality, y'know? For me it seems pretty clear cut, though... to the point where most problems or decisions end out being all out war between 'em, and one side is always outnumbered.... well, except in one unusual case which has been and still is at a stalemate, but let's not go into that now...
Combine that with the often-mentioned fact that I am apparently so adept at hiding how I'm really feeling from everyone that that particular 'everyone' includes myself, and well...
The point of it all is... between all of this... which one is really me? The 'logical' me at school? Or the intuitive, feeling and emotion-based one? The pessimistic one at home all alone, trying to get my brain to shut up so I can sleep? Or the feral, instinctive, almost like some domesticated pet one only a few people've ever really seen? The rarely seen, falsely confident, 'I don't care what other people think' one? The dark, disturbing cynic that sometimes scares even myself and loves to frequent the black hole in which the final boss of the internet resides? All or none of the above? I can't even count how many there are... Is it possible for anything to have that many facets...?
Very few, none that I can even really remember, of those 'little, gradual' changes have ever actually been for myself. I never really saw a problem with that, though.... and really, I still only see one actual problem with it... that, of course, being that I don't really know who exactly I even am anymore... as if that even matters.
*sigh* And the worst of it all... is I really have no reason for any of this, or any reason to be upset about... well, most of the things that shove me into whatever kind of angsty or depressed mood I tend to fall into sometimes. There's really nothing all that wrong with my life. No problems with my family. A working vehicle. Got a decent job while I'm in school, which I can actually afford mostly thanks to said job and a ton of student loans and financial aid. A school which... I really could be doing a lot better in, but the problems I'm having with some schoolwork and grades are all entirely my own fault anyway, with no one or nothing else to blame, but I'm getting by well enough to eventually get a pretty good career I guess. Good friends, both on and offline. That's about everything... well, almost everything... anyone really wants.
There are people out there with real problems, stuff out of their own control, and no one willing to even look their way, let alone help. And here I am constantly complaining here about... well, pretty much pointless stuff. Hardly anyone ever even reads this, few really even care, and even fewer really know the stuff going on 'behind the scenes' so to speak.
And to be completely honest, I've been so unstable lately that by tomorrow I'll have forgotten about this entirely (or blocked it out) and be perfectly fine again. At least I'd better be, because I'm gonna have to spend most of the day coding a tents puzzle solver in MIPS Assembly. Which I probably should have started a week ago. Lucky me... even though luck had nothing to do with it.
... I don't even know where I'm going with this. It's gotten to the point where I'm just rambling, huh? I guess I do that a lot.
Back to, well, the original premise of the whole thing, I guess... anyway... If I really am as malleable and adaptable as I've always sort of prided myself in being, it shouldn't really be that hard to change myself to who I really want to be, should it? Once I... actually figure out who that is.