Cooking With Chaos!
I am a man of many skills.
Hahaha no, that's hyperbole, I have about three skills.
So let's talk about the fourth. Yes, the fourth. It's not really a skill, not yet, but I'm working on it. It's called "cooking", and for those of you who know me, you know that this is absolutely not one of my legitimate skills. I can cook Hot Pockets and Ramen Noodles. I set Spaghetti-Os on fire once. The microwave is my dominion.
But then things changed.
A few years ago I began learning the basic precepts of cooking, thanks to a good teacher and Blue Apron meal delivery service. I will shill for Blue Apron any day of the week, because it helped get me comfortable with cooking over time. In the beginning I was relegated to chopping and crushing and stirring things, because they fall within my very limited skillset. But then I got upgraded to using the frying pan and the sauce pan and the oven and some other weird shit. I learned about washing your veggies. Seasoning. Mixing. Don't overmix. No that's too much mixing. Stop for the love of God. Chopping. Slicing. Mincing. Ah yes, mincing. I will mince the shit out of anything. But that's beside the point.
Eventually I became skilled enough to prepare an entire Blue Apron meal solo. Rest assured, five years ago this would have been High Fantasy and beyond even my suspension of disbelief.
So, yes, I can make a Blue Apron mean. That's called character development.
Enter my ability to be completely random and, arguably, mad.
"Oh, hello random internet advertisement, what is this? A 'grow your own mushroom' kit? Really? You have the audacity to suppose that I could actually grow a living thing and then eat it? What ballsy hubris is this, and fuck there goes my credit card again, guess I'm getting a mushroom."
I'll be honest, that might have been exactly what happened in my brain.
So I got a mushroom kit. Ok, check bag, check contents, tighten up bag, cut an X, set up humidity tent, spray regularly, and wait. Hmmmmmm. I think I can do this, I say to myself.
Two weeks later I have a half pound Lion's Mane mushroom ready to harvest. I assure you, no one is more surprised than I am.
I face a conundrum: I really expected to fail long before this, but now I actually have a mushroom and I should eat it. Fuck me and my ridiculously unexpected successes.
Google gives me a few suggestions on how to cook and prepare such a mushroom. Thanks Google, I can always count on you. I slice up the mushroom into long thin slabs, fry for a bit to eliminate some moisture, flip, fry some more, add olive oil and garlic and salt and pepper and stuff, stir it around more until the mushrooms are browned on both sides, sprinkle with shredded cheese, and voila! A hearty mushroom meal, very filling and satisfying, and pretty tasty too!
"Well, that was fun and oddly fulfilling. I should try this again," I think, despite the fact that thinking is what gets me into these messes in the first place.
The kit produces two more half-pound mushrooms over the next month and finally peters out. Ok, cool. Let's try a different species. Blue Oyster, one of their popular brands? Hmmmmm.
A week later I get a new box and set it up. I anticipate another two week wait.
Eight days later I harvest a 1+ pound mushroom. I am actually flabbergasted and do not know what to do with this monstrous thing. I think I'm afraid of it. I have been beaten at my own game.
I break off a small chunk, cut it into pieces, and fry it up. I taste a raw piece; it is mushroomy with a slightly bitter aftertaste, not quite licorice and not quite metallic, but maybe a blend of the two. I add some garlic and parsley (thanks
bending_sickle) and salt and pepper, mix it up until it's all browned, and try it. It's pretty good, and pretty filling. This small chunk was maybe 20% of the entire thing, and it filled me right up. Fuck, again.
At this very moment I am frying up a second round, using about half the remaining mushroom. Only half, you ask? Yes, because it's too big to all fit in one fucking frying pan. I am the Victor Frankenstein of mushrooms, afraid of my own damn creation! And yet, in the name of science, each half will get a different combination of flavors, because I am just that daring! The internet made some flavor and ingredient suggestions, and so I will go forth and experiment in the name of fungal glory!
Hahaha no, that's hyperbole, I have about three skills.
So let's talk about the fourth. Yes, the fourth. It's not really a skill, not yet, but I'm working on it. It's called "cooking", and for those of you who know me, you know that this is absolutely not one of my legitimate skills. I can cook Hot Pockets and Ramen Noodles. I set Spaghetti-Os on fire once. The microwave is my dominion.
But then things changed.
A few years ago I began learning the basic precepts of cooking, thanks to a good teacher and Blue Apron meal delivery service. I will shill for Blue Apron any day of the week, because it helped get me comfortable with cooking over time. In the beginning I was relegated to chopping and crushing and stirring things, because they fall within my very limited skillset. But then I got upgraded to using the frying pan and the sauce pan and the oven and some other weird shit. I learned about washing your veggies. Seasoning. Mixing. Don't overmix. No that's too much mixing. Stop for the love of God. Chopping. Slicing. Mincing. Ah yes, mincing. I will mince the shit out of anything. But that's beside the point.
Eventually I became skilled enough to prepare an entire Blue Apron meal solo. Rest assured, five years ago this would have been High Fantasy and beyond even my suspension of disbelief.
So, yes, I can make a Blue Apron mean. That's called character development.
Enter my ability to be completely random and, arguably, mad.
"Oh, hello random internet advertisement, what is this? A 'grow your own mushroom' kit? Really? You have the audacity to suppose that I could actually grow a living thing and then eat it? What ballsy hubris is this, and fuck there goes my credit card again, guess I'm getting a mushroom."
I'll be honest, that might have been exactly what happened in my brain.
So I got a mushroom kit. Ok, check bag, check contents, tighten up bag, cut an X, set up humidity tent, spray regularly, and wait. Hmmmmmm. I think I can do this, I say to myself.
Two weeks later I have a half pound Lion's Mane mushroom ready to harvest. I assure you, no one is more surprised than I am.
I face a conundrum: I really expected to fail long before this, but now I actually have a mushroom and I should eat it. Fuck me and my ridiculously unexpected successes.
Google gives me a few suggestions on how to cook and prepare such a mushroom. Thanks Google, I can always count on you. I slice up the mushroom into long thin slabs, fry for a bit to eliminate some moisture, flip, fry some more, add olive oil and garlic and salt and pepper and stuff, stir it around more until the mushrooms are browned on both sides, sprinkle with shredded cheese, and voila! A hearty mushroom meal, very filling and satisfying, and pretty tasty too!
"Well, that was fun and oddly fulfilling. I should try this again," I think, despite the fact that thinking is what gets me into these messes in the first place.
The kit produces two more half-pound mushrooms over the next month and finally peters out. Ok, cool. Let's try a different species. Blue Oyster, one of their popular brands? Hmmmmm.
A week later I get a new box and set it up. I anticipate another two week wait.
Eight days later I harvest a 1+ pound mushroom. I am actually flabbergasted and do not know what to do with this monstrous thing. I think I'm afraid of it. I have been beaten at my own game.
I break off a small chunk, cut it into pieces, and fry it up. I taste a raw piece; it is mushroomy with a slightly bitter aftertaste, not quite licorice and not quite metallic, but maybe a blend of the two. I add some garlic and parsley (thanks
bending_sickle) and salt and pepper, mix it up until it's all browned, and try it. It's pretty good, and pretty filling. This small chunk was maybe 20% of the entire thing, and it filled me right up. Fuck, again.
At this very moment I am frying up a second round, using about half the remaining mushroom. Only half, you ask? Yes, because it's too big to all fit in one fucking frying pan. I am the Victor Frankenstein of mushrooms, afraid of my own damn creation! And yet, in the name of science, each half will get a different combination of flavors, because I am just that daring! The internet made some flavor and ingredient suggestions, and so I will go forth and experiment in the name of fungal glory!