donnie's entry and my response
Donnie's Entry
I'm Glad You Were A Part Of My Hotel Year
Seeing as it's almost 2:00 AM, and I'm 2 hours in to being 24, I didn't really feel like putting off writing the yearly update any longer than necessary, especially since I don't know what tomorrow is going to consist of.
So here I am, another year older, and not necessarily another year better. There's really no way to be poetic about that, and so I won't even attempt it. I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that this year...at least where it ended up...has been a huge step back from where I was at this time last year, and I'm not so sure I like that...and that's an understatement.
I'm really going to do my best to cover as much as I can, but really, a large chunk of the year...practically 9 months...has been on my mind lately, and that may take over the direction I take this entry, and if that happens, you can all just deal with it and read anyway, because you love me, and that's how we roll.
Yeah, I said, "That's how we roll". What of it?
This time last year, I was just starting to be on my own at the hotel. I was getting used to running things on my own, and I was begining to take on more responsibility. Honestly, I don't think I could have asked for a better situation. I loved my job. I checked people in, I checked people out, I watched TV and played PS2, and I napped on the lobby couches when it got to be, like, 2 in the morning. I lived in the place free of rent. The place was a home to me, and not just a job, and not a lot of people understand that. And a lot of people don't understand that the home element was what made me love the job so much. Sure, my duties weren't taxing in any way, shape, or form...but the fact of the matter is, I was taking care of my home, and that's why I loved the job. It didn't hurt that the Caldwell's were excellent bosses, and made me feel like a part of their family on a regular basis. I can't count the number of times Mrs. Caldwell gave me food just because she wanted to be nice. I loved that place more than any other place I've ever lived.
And then I got the news that they were closing down and leasing out to Shenandoah University for dorm space.
I totally understand, because they're older people, and it was time for them to retire, and I think that's awesome for them. At the same time, I completely miss the place. It also irritates me to no end that Shenandoah benefited from it, because I loathe that place and everything they stand for. But hey, that's life. Shit happens. I still miss talking to Alaina. I miss hanging out down there when I worked the overnight shift. I miss the ungodly comfortable couches. But there's nothing I can do about that, and while I'll always remember the place, and everything I had there, that's all I can do. Remember.
Speaking of remembering...
This is...not the easiest part of my year to type about...but it was the biggest part, and I'm not ignoring that. Not anymore.
I can quote, verbatum, from memory, the first thing I said on here about Cristina. "I am absolutely, positively, undeniably, inarguably, out-of-my-mind retarded over this girl, and I don't care who knows it at this point". That was back in February. And it's still true.
The big problem is that right now...I don't know what's going to happen. For the past month or so, Cristina and I have been broken up, and I'm not going to lie, it's been the hardest month of my life, emotionally. I didn't ever mention it on here, because I wasn't really ready to pour out my emotion the way I'm about to now, and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable by doing so...but it was the most important and best eight months of my life, let alone the past year, and I can't not write about that, so I hope she understands that. I'm not going to go deeply in to where things stand now, but the long and short of it is that nothing is garaunteed between us. We may get back together one day, we may not. I know I want to very badly, but I'm not even going to place odds on any outcome at this point. She needs to get her shit done, and frankly, so do I. If we come back from this, it will be completely and totally worth it. And if we don't, I can't let that break me, because then where am I? Her fears about me would be proven totally right, and I wouldn't deserve her anyway. I know I have it in me to prove that those fears, whether they're held by her or anyone else, aren't who I am. I'm better than that. Now it's time to do it, because I'm not happy with where I am in life right now. Anyway, that was a huge aside that had nothing to do with where I was going with that.
The minute I saw Cristina back in February, I knew. I never really put too much stock in "love at first sight", and I don't know if that's what you'd call this, but I knew from the minute I laid eyes on the girl that she was everything I'd ever wanted, and anything I ever WOULD want. In short, it scared the crap out of me. But we started talking, and several days later, we were together...and we would be for the next eight months. And while that time's over for now, I have so many things I remember from it...that I never talked about in here. I don't have very many regrets in life, but that's one of them.
I remember the first time I hugged her. She had come down to spend an evening with me, because we'd just met and we wanted to get to know each other better. We were standing outside of Ruby Tuesday's, and it was freezing outside. We were waiting for my mom to meet us over there for lunch, and I reached my arm out, put it around her shoulder, and pulled her close. It was the first time we'd really touched, and it was the best feeling I'd ever had, until that night when we had our first kiss. We'd just watched "Garden State", and as the credits were rolling, she rolled over to look at me, and I just leaned in before either of us could say anything, and kissed her. It was, honestly, the most perfect first kiss I could ever hope for. There was only one kiss I remember more.
She had come to stay with me for a weekend, and was about to head home. A few hours before she was about to leave, it started to snow. It had been snowing all weekend, so there was plenty on the ground, but it had been stopped for a while. I remember standing there in the snow, not wanting her to leave, and then holding her close and kissing her while it snowed around us. I don't think I could have asked for a better moment.
I remember the morning she came to surprise me. She called me and woke me up at 11 AM and was talking to me as she knocked on my door. I remember telling her to hold on, and then bitching about someone waking me up by knocking on my door, and when I opened it and it was her, being so ridiculously happy that I just held her for something like 10 minutes.
I remember the entire two weeks she lived with me in the hotel, but most of all, I remember our trip in to DC. I had worked an overnight shift the night before, and so I had to sleep in the car on the way to the Metro station. She always hated it when I slept when she couldn't. But we made the trip in to DC, and went to a few museums, and while I remember the whole trip, there's two things I remember more than anything. There's a small garden in DC near the mall that has a fountain right in the middle. I remember that it started drizzling almost as soon as we got in to DC, so walking around in the rain wasn't exciting to either of us. In this case, it was perfect. We stopped in front of the fountin and just stayed there together, holding each other, and taking in the moment while it rained on us. The other moment I remember is walking out of the Spy Museum to go to the Metro station, she just stopped and grabbed my arm and said "Oh my God, I love you...No, I really do. No one's ever wanted to make me happy as much as you do". We stood on the street corner and hugged, and she told me about how every time she came in to DC with one of her exes, he'd be a dick about going to the museums or anything else she wanted to see. I'll always remember that trip in to DC every time I go there.
I remember sleeping in the hotel office floor with her. She had just left the night before, and was supposed to be going home for the summer, but I didn't like the idea of not seeing her again, so I called her and she dropped everything and came back to see me. I had to work an overnight shift, and she wasn't there for very long, but she was there, and that's all I cared about. We made a bed in the office floor with her feather mattress and a blanket, and slept until she had to leave for home.
I remember visiting her at her home in Virginia Beach for her birthday. There were mistakes I made on that trip, and those are yet another thing I'll always regret. But there's a couple pristine memories I have. When the bus arrived, and she got out of her car to see me, she was wearing her pink dress, and she looked absolutely beautiful. I was so fucking nervous, and I don't even know why. I was excited, and just...I don't know. And to this day, I know she thinks I was embarrassed of her wanting to hug and kiss me, and thinks that's why I was cagey when I arrived. If I had it to do over again and change how I acted, I would. I'd damn my nerves and just kiss her like it was the first kiss all over again. But you can't have do overs in life. And despite that, I'll always remember the lump I got in my throat, and the feeling in my stomach when I saw her step out of her car. I was never embarrased. Just nervous. I hate that I don't have the memory I wish I did, but that feeling was so intense for me, that I can almost live with that.
I remember the zoo. Honestly, this was the best day we ever had together, and I can remember it almost second for second. I'd put in details about that day, but I literally remember everything, and everything I'd want to put in would make this entry just a complete friends page killer (as if it isn't already). I was leaving the next day, and since we had a whole day to do whatever we wanted, we decided to go to the Virginia Zoo. She had just had her foot operation, and so walking was out of the question, so we got a wheelchair and I pushed her around the zoo in August heat. And as hot as it was, and as good as the air conditioning in the reptile/nocturnal house felt, I loved it. I remember every animal, I remember every joke we made, I remember everything. If I had to pick the best day of my entire, 24-year life...I would pick this day.
We had so many good times, and so many bad times that were made good again, and I just...don't ever want to forget them. Ever. I never wrote about them here, and I wish now that I had...so here they are, and honestly, I could probably bullet point 80 or 90 more things I remember, but then we'd be here all night. I also realized that it's almost like instead of talking about my year, I spent the whole time talking about my relationship with Cristina, but really, for the better part of the year, it was the most important thing in my life, and so talking about it IS talking about my past year. These are the most important moments from the last year of my life. There's always going to be a piece of my heart with her. I honestly don't know that I'm ever just going to "get over" her. I still love the girl, and I can honestly say that she's the first girl I've ever REALLY loved. She's the most important relationship I've ever had, and she's my best friend. I'm still absolutely, positively, undeniably, inarguably, out-of-my-mind retarded over this girl...and I don't care who knows it. And if it's over forever, I can accept that it's the way it has to be. I'll miss her like hell, and I'll never stop caring...but I'll accept it.
At this point, I could talk about the shitty Ritz job I held for two weeks, or my living situation now...but honestly, they don't register on the radar. The living situation is a bit of a pain in the ass, but I'm getting out of here, and so it doesn't deserve my attention.
So what's next? Well, if I was Jesse from Brand New, I'd say that I've got a plan...but I'd not be drinking for forty days or forty nights. I'm going to start substitute teaching. For the next few weeks, I'm going to practice driving everyday, and start work on getting my license. I'm not sure what the Maryland rule is, but if I can have it by the end of the month, I'm getting it. I'm going to use the money and job status I'll have with subbing to take out a loan and get a car. Then I'm going to start using the days I don't sub to look for a career and a new place to live. I'm getting out of here, and I'm getting my shit together. This has to be done for me, because I have to make my life what I want it to be before I can be there for someone else. I don't feel like those last two sentences were really necessary, but in a year when I look back at this, I'm going to want to say, "You know what? You were right".
This has been the best year of my life, and I whole heartedly mean that. There were some setbacks, and some things I wish I could change. But you can't change them, you can only change yourself. You can learn from mistakes. Last year was the best year of my life. By the time I'm 25 (and as long as it's taken me to write this, I might be 25 already), things are going to be even better.
My Comment
yeah, so all your friends are going to look at this and be like, "that bitch had the balls to COMMENT?!!one!!eleven" but yes. yes i do.
i'm happy for you. i feel this intense feeling of relief knowing that you're finally taking care of yourself. you have a goal. and best of all, you have you have a plan, you have motivation, and you're determined. THIS is the donnie i saw all along. I was so frustrated with you because you never acted on it, and i needed you to. like i've been saying this whole time, "how can you expect to take care of someone else if you can't even take care of yourself?"
and also...and understand that yes, although this was very difficult for me to read, for a multitude of reasons that refuse to materialize for me to put into words...thank you.
thank you for finally listening to me. well, me and shannon. thank you for doing what you're doing. thank you for giving me time to get my shit together, and finally realizing that you need to to do the same. thank you for giving me an equally kickass year. thank you for proving to me that you did pay attention to our time together. i was amazed at the things that you remembered. i never knew you were ever paying attention - i always just assumed that you weren't. but you rememembered my pink dress, and our first hug, and now i finally know why you didn't kiss me when you got off the bus. that really hurt me, and you wouldn't explain to me why you wouldn't. i also finally know that you weren't freaked out by my surprise visit. you always played everything so low key that sometimes i couldn't tell where i stood with you.
i feel as though i should acknowledge your unconditional love for me. no one has ever loved me that deeply and purely and quietly and wholly as you have. it's a wonderful feeling, and looking back i think the reason things started becoming frustrating was because you stopped being yourself and began living for me. maybe that sounds completely egotistical, but you said it yourself - i was the most important thing in your life for a long time, and that kind of pressure is too much for a girl like me. i tried to tell you over and over again to live YOUR life, with me beside you, but whether you want to admit it or not, you focused on us instead of you and me. intensely deep and true love is a blessing, but it can also be a curse when it blinds you to other parts of your life that also need attention.
that's what i meant when we had that conversation about you "being comfortable." I knew you had it in you to go out and do all the things you're now planning on doing, but it didn't seem important to you. i told you that you should probably start on it before the hotel even closed - in fact, i remember talking to you about it before we even knew the hotel was GOING to close. do you remember that conversation? i asked you what you were planning on doing after the hotel and you didn't have an answer.
kat's got it absolutely right - "remember the good things! because no matter what happened or happens, those are and were good times and they should be remembered as good times, not regretted as a loss." *hands kat a cookie*
maybe you're right. maybe i won't ever find someone who can love me like you do. but love isn't enough, and we both know that. you always have a part of my heart, just as i always have a part of yours. that never goes away. you're right, there are no guarantees. maybe in the end things will work out, maybe they won't. but the point is that both of us learned and grew and took away something precious in it's own right. even now as i type this i can practically feel you sitting next to me, and you're not even crying ;) you're smiling, and i can see in your eyes that you're telling me you love me.
again, thank you.
i'm so happy for you. please take care of yourself. you deserve it, and it's been a while coming. good luck with everything. sorry if we dont' talk very often, but i've been so damned busy and whatnot. and right now i'm still ruffled over the whole hotel thing. so i'll be honest, i probably won't be up for talking too much. but IM is fine, albeit a teeny bit..not awkward, but...stilted.
i'm feeling awkward ("I'm soooo aaaaawkward!!") and i'm not sure how to end this, so i'll do the completely inappropriate thing of promoting my recital next semester, that I hope you'd want to attend. it's a Thursday night, so if you work Fridays it might take a bit of juggling, but that's so that I could get a cheaper time slot and also so that the chances of me having more fellow students attend will be better. But anyway, tentative date is Thursday, March 23, 2005, at the Old Town Hall in Fairfax, VA, right down the street from school. Probably at 7:00 PM, with a reception to follow.
take care of yourself. you're still my best friend.