(no subject)
yesterday, i bought a jones soda and the under-the-cap fortune said to leave love notes.
even though i've gotten this cap before, i still think it's a cute idea.
rayna,
i know that i've always made these sort of things short with you because i was so sure that i've told you everything before. however now i have a few things to add onto my broken record; i have the utmost respect for you. after our hiatus, i've been in denial to admit that you're the only one that's stuck by me through the thick and the thin, you're the only one that knows every secret/lie, you're the only one that doesn't care to debunk me for my mistakes when... everyone else does the opposite.
i have to accept the fact that nobody else would remain neutral in a circle of conspirators... but you. for everyone that i've met so far has contributed to the bandwagon of pretending to be someone's friend, myself included. lately i've trusted and depended upon certain individuals that ended up being just as guilty as i am. however who would you consider to be the most guilty? the guilty, or the guilty follower?
right about now, no one from the previous "group" still fully exists with me aside from you... and for the first time since kindergarten, i'm grateful for my surroundings. i think that, sub-consciously, i felt bittered by the possibility that you were going to be the only good friend i'll ever have. somehow, psychologically, i tried to weed you out and associate with several others because i was afraid of commitment. that seems to be the case with everything, i've conjured. nonetheless, you're my best friend, and i love you.
eric,
even though i'm constantly aggravated by your selfish intentions, you're still a very important person to me. you've taken care of me during bad experiences, you've threatened many that crossed my path, and you continue to play the role of my little-older brother. currently, i have a huge crush on your best friend, and i would like it if you allowed us to become xyz if chances permit. pretty pretty please!
also, up until recently, i've labeled you as the person i call when i have nothing to do... however i have to admit that i've never consciously noticed that i feel bitter whenever i don't go to your house. i practically lived there since 7th grade, no matter who else i became friends with. you've earned yourself a very high seat in my ranking.
ana,
what can i say? i'm a walking contradiction. i say one thing about you, and yet i feel another. i don't know why, but i used to be in so much denial about you being one of my best friends. however i finally came to terms with the truth, and accepted it. you see me when i'm at my most raw states. you're the person i run to when it comes to boys, and you're the only person that tolerates listening to such hogwash 24/7. i really am grateful to have you in my life.
enrique,
i've always told myself not to trust you up until recently.
lately, i've been noticing a more sensitive side to you. i've seen how your face droops with sympathy while xyz is occurring, or being said, and i wanted you to know that i really consider you to be a great friend of mine -- one that i know will last for a pretty long time.
i never noticed it, but we never had a personal problem before. sure we can get to each other's nerves, but we've never ceased talking over any type of bullshit in the atmosphere. therefore, i want to apologize for any crude jokes i've made toward you, or any harsh-manipulations i've pulled because the intentions weren't worth it. i fuck up a lot in my personality, but i never make the same mistake twice.
christy,
for someone that doesn't hang out with me, for someone that doesn't always talk to me, for someone that is totally opposite from me... there is definitely something spectacularily special about you. i can't believe that with our social absences, we manage to include each other in lists like this. you're very special to me, and i mean that. i mean it, especially when i don't even know why. it seems like we barely know things about each other's lives, and yet we can tell a vivid description about one another. i can tell that when i finally have a car and i'm self-sufficient, you're going to be someone that i'll involve myself with on a regular basis. i'm so fascinated and in love with you christy manykham. keep it emo, i only admire it when it's embraced by you.
robert,
infatuation; what a fun, petty thing to be trapped in.
even though i like to make pretty pictures of bleak surroundings... i still, bluntly know that the mechanics of our existence together encircles, and defines the word petty... however i must admit that there are a very select few boys that can make me feel several things at once. i'm so into you, and you just called me... which ups my "into you" state by the power of one fuckity fucking hundred. you make me happy, nervous, and at times, discouraged.
i'm too much of a wuss to call you and tell you how i feel. you're so attractive and macho and charming and typical and infectious and asldfja;sldkj and aliweroiafnfaposiejr and a;cvoaiwjeorji and like oh my god whoa... that pretty much sums it up.
however, realistically, i'm so happy at this given point in time; so happy and so distracted and so antsy. typically, i grunt and chase guys down by the sweet smell of their sexuality... but there's something about you that puts me back in my gender roled place. for the first time in a long time, i have butterflies.
michele,
even though we're not very well involved in each other's lives, i feel as if i know you a lot better now. i've gotten somewhat close to you during the times we've ditched and made trips out to the city. you're very fun to be around and i am inspired by your quirky sense of life.
i admire your cluttered room, your quirky fashion, your entity. you're very charismatic and i can tell that you'll end up having a very diverse and fulfilling career. i hope we keep in touch after high school.
cooper,
i feel different about you now. however you haven't blatantly lowered yourself, therefore, you're still of high ranking.
in a positive note, i trust my word with you, but i'm not too sure if you'd defend me at all. no one said that you had to, no one said that anyone has to. however previously i felt as if you weren't meeting me halfway in that friendship, and you had good reasoning... you simply didn't have the time to develop a best friendship.
and i respect that.
but nonetheless, you're a fun guy to be around, and you have a generous heart. i enjoy my time and friendship with you, however i've decided to reduce it by 25% because it's impossible to blindly jump into something without a fucked up landing. however, in the future if we're 85 and still on each other's cellphone listing... then i'll know for sure that you're worth it. right now, it's too soon to tell.
tony,
we're done and over with. however i'm not going to get my panties in a stubborn bunch because you're not all that bad, and you know that i'm not either. i'm over your friendship, and i hope that we could go our own separate ways in a civil manner. i cherish a lot of my favorites memories with you, in fact, you were the first person to give me an everyday social life.
sure, i've always had people on the tips of my friend-branches to call and hang out with, however you were the first one that stuck around for more than every other weekend. therefore, i wish you the best of luck. with loving intentions, goodbye.
josh,
you're back into my life again, i guess. i'm glad that we don't hate each other anymore. i'm glad you're out of the hospital. i'm glad that conflicts can dissolve within time. i've never despised anyone the way i despised you. so that just comes to show that any conflict will eventually be weeded out within time.
willy,
it hurts my feelings to know that what we had was very puppy-like. (fuck you blksqul, you jinxed everything! haha, just kidding.) but nonetheless, i'll forever remember you. you set the bar for everyone else in the future. i still compare people to you just to test their compatability. i miss you so much. i wish i could find another person to somehow come in the same parallel to what i've had with you.
...and within the future, who knows what may come. if this were a movie, you would be the meant-to-be guy that makes a surprise appearence in the end.
i love you, and i'll do anything for you. take care of yourself sweetie.
mom, dad, brothers, sister, dogs,
thank you. i love you. i'd be sappy but i'm too cool to show family affection. (to all you idiots, notice the stressed sarcasm, i'm not that arrogant)