One of those days
Most of my days are pretty routine: up at 6am, study, go to school, study, come home, study, browse mindless stuff on the Internet, go to bed. That's why I don't write very much. It's all much the same: just a process of filling my brain with Japanese words and trying to get some skill in spitting them out again.
Today was different. Very different. I went to school as usual in the morning. The first period was fine (it's usually my best). During the second period my two classmates (who have both lived in Japan for some time) got into a debate about whether Japan would have regrown at all after the war if the Americans had not invested to much. This debate was entirely relevant to the topic of today's lesson, and was carried out in Japanese, but I simply couldn't follow it at all. What's more, the teacher joined in. After five minutes or so I withdrew and started re-reading the text. After another ten or so the teacher turned to me and asked several incredibly long and complex questions which I completely failed to understand. After a few tries, I simply said "このクラスは私にとって早過ぎました" (this class has become to fast for me). She apologized, but by this time I was very angry and frustrated. Shaking with anger, in fact, and eyes wet with tears of frustration.
(I don't blame my classmates or the teacher, really. They should go for it if they can. What frustrates me is that I really believe that I don't have a solid foundation on which to build, and the school as a whole seems to completely fail to grasp this fact, or take any notice of it. I need practice at the basics, dammit!)
Anyway, at the break between second and third period I was too upset to continue. I picked up my bags and walked out of the school, with a clear intention never to return.
I went for a long walk, with many things turning over in my mind. I considered what I needed to do to escape from the programme. I weighed up the costs. I contemplated calling the programme director right there and quitting. But I didn't. I went to a café and sat for a while. Then I turned my mind to that afternoon's meeting.
You see, I had an appointment to see the company at which I might spend my first kenshu (internship) next year. This is a company I like, and whose staff I liked when I visited in 2001. I really didn't want to go to that meeting in a foul mood, which is half the reason that I walked out of school today. It's one thing to get mad and walk away from school, and quite another to endure school and screw up your chances of a six month kenshu by being angry during your first meeting with a company.
Anyway, I sat around too long, and ended up grabbing a MacDonald's burger for lunch instead of something decent. (Not that I had any appetite.) Then I travelled across town on the subway system. I arrived with 15 minutes to spare, and then discovered that I really needed to visit the toilet.
It was a long walk in the subway station to the toilet, and when I got there I found that it was Japanese style (i.e. squatting). I don't really mind, but it was the first time I'd used one of these for a long time. And I was in a hurry. So, I squat, and am having some trouble relaxing, when the earthquake hits.
Actually, I can't be sure it was an earthquake. All I know is that the toilet cubicle was shaking quite a lot. It's quite hard to relax when you are ten minutes before an important meeting. squatting over an unfamiliar toilet, during an earthquake, all the time thinking "Is this the big one?" and "I only have seven minutes and I have to find the building."
Somehow I got through it. I'll spare you details, but there were some complications. Even when that was done, I discovered that I was on the wrong side of a ticket barrier (the toilet was in a transfer zone) and had to explain to the staff what happened.
But I managed to get to my meeting in time. Somehow I managed to appear relaxed and confident, and explain about the kenshu and my goals for Japan in Japanese. They kept me for quite a long time, introducing me to successively senior managers. The most senior told me that he owed a debt to England because his wife had given birth to his third daughter in one of our hospitals, free of charge. So I was an opportunity for him to discharge his giri. Everything seemed to go swimmingly. Now I just need to send them a formal application letter.
So, after all that I'm feeling positive again. Here's somewhere I'd like to go, and people I'd like to work with, and it's in my field. I managed to speak to them in Japanese and they seemed suitably impressed and helpful. Now I don't want to quit the programme again.
It's been a lot like this recently. Some days I'm ready to quit, even sacrificing six months salary. Some days I can endure anything. It's very hard to make any kind of rational decision under such circumstances.
Unfortunately, this isn't the end of the day. gareth_rees and reyet are landing tomorrow, and I haven't got anything for them to sleep on. So it's a rush back to Shibuya to meet fredwass, some last-minute arrangements by phone, before dashing over to a colleague's house to pick up a pair of futons and cart them through the rush-hour train network back to my apartment.
I don't usually drink alone. Tonight will be an exception.