Ponderings
I don't know what I want anymore. Actually, I do know. I want to act, and then direct. I've always wanted to act, but I really don't know if I have the talent to back it up anymore. I haven't been cast in any significant role in 4 years at Michigan. I just don't know why, because there are a lot of variables: race, size, "type", talent. I feel like I'm a worse actor than when I started, because I have so much doubt. I don't know why my work is so dependant. I didn't even want to be in these shows, but I wanted a callback. I could at least feel I was worth almost casting. I was almost cast in 1918, but I didn't get it. And all I can feel is empty. I love acting, but maybe it no longer loves me. I love directing, but I resent it because it's become something I'm doing because i can't act. I could be a good director, but it pisses me off because I feel like I'm using it to run away. I feel like I'm scared, and directing is the safer choice. And it's not that it's not hard, or worthwhile because it is; it's just that now, it's a way to protect myself.
I just need to commit. I have to get rid of these roadblocks I've set up. I need to really figure this out, but i'm just soo stuck. I have some meetings this week to talk about where I need to be going. I'm tired of doubting myself, because I never used to. And this doubt is making me hold back. And me holding back is what keeps me from actually getting cast, which makes me doubt myself. I just have to break this damn cycle. So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to stop being afraid. I'm going to jump headfirst into it. I'm going to become a more consistent actor. I'm going to learn to trust myself onstage. I'm going to stop being nice. Most importantly, I'm going to stop being available in private, and not in public. I refuse to let fear rule my life. I've also decided to start focusing on the GRE. I want to be a director; at least, i want directing to be a goal I can pursue as well as my acting. I need to take it just as seriously, and maybe then I'll realize where my heart is.
P.S. I'm doing Cassius from Caesar for my next monolgue. Fuck JNA and staying in your type. Fuck him for telling me what my type is (which he's never said, but hints at). He will never appreciate me for what I am.
I just need to commit. I have to get rid of these roadblocks I've set up. I need to really figure this out, but i'm just soo stuck. I have some meetings this week to talk about where I need to be going. I'm tired of doubting myself, because I never used to. And this doubt is making me hold back. And me holding back is what keeps me from actually getting cast, which makes me doubt myself. I just have to break this damn cycle. So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to stop being afraid. I'm going to jump headfirst into it. I'm going to become a more consistent actor. I'm going to learn to trust myself onstage. I'm going to stop being nice. Most importantly, I'm going to stop being available in private, and not in public. I refuse to let fear rule my life. I've also decided to start focusing on the GRE. I want to be a director; at least, i want directing to be a goal I can pursue as well as my acting. I need to take it just as seriously, and maybe then I'll realize where my heart is.
P.S. I'm doing Cassius from Caesar for my next monolgue. Fuck JNA and staying in your type. Fuck him for telling me what my type is (which he's never said, but hints at). He will never appreciate me for what I am.