An Autoerotic Autobiography Of The Essential Penguins
The Essential Penguins formed in the very futuristic year of two-thousand. At the time it comprised of Malady Costello (presently of The Wonderful Toys), Charles Hatcher and reggie_c_king, and was designed to exist solely on record. Malady, regrettably, became bewitched by the song-scribing talents of Marc Allsopp (presently of The Wonderful Toys) and decided to concentrate his efforts singularly on the expansion of the Babylon-By-Bus (presently The Wonderful Toys) canon.
At some juncture, Martin Gillen (presently of The Pelvic Examiners) and Liam O’Reilly (presently of The Pelvic Examiners) joined to supply guitar of the bass ilk, and taut tubs, respectively.
It was determined that nobody could sing as well as they thought they could, and so luscious lovelette, Claire McGreevy, (presently having her pelvis examined), whom Reggie met at a Garbage concert in the former moiety of nineteen-ninety-nine, was recruited because her larynx was *Bling*.
For reasons revealed only last week, Martin Gillen vamoosed before the group’s début performance at Lavery’s Back Bar. At this performance, sound-guy, Bill Guinney, fondled Claire’s dirty-pillows, to the delectation of no one, apart, naturally, from Mister Guinney.
Janice Long, ever the altruist, gyrated the disc, Photographs, a now-deleted single about photographs, on her late-night/early-morn’ DJ slot on BBC Radio Two. She immediately succeeded this with M People’s Search For The Hero (Inside Yourself). "Keep in touch," she wobbled.... They did not.
In the pre-modern year of two-thousand-and-one, Liam spread himself thin, joining a second band, conservative rockers, Panacea; Reggie becquainted wank-rock demigod, Bernard "Ben" McAuley (presently of Fallout), as they faced off as adversaries in the final of School’s Challenge (Saint Mary’s Christian Brothers’ Grammar School, Belfast, to what which Reggie was representing, were triumphal); Ben combined his powers with Eamonn McNamee (presently of The Throes), Colin "Golden-Fleece" McCracken (formerly of The Throes, presently of Ladies What Lunch) and Charlotte X (presently, one presumes, studying at Oxbridge (she looked somewhat like Claire (presently of sound mind and sounder body), but not too much)); and William Jefferson Clinton sojourned in Belfast.
The Essential Penguins performed their second performance (as The Boy Hairdressers) in January of the now-outmoded year, two-thousand-and-two. Ben enjoyed himself, like so many women before him.
In August, Liam O’Reilly selfishly withdrew his phallic body from the vagina that was the second version of the band, before the clitoris that was the Belfast pop-circuit had been stimulated to shuddering multiple orgasms of apathy. Like so many dissatisfied housewives, and Germaine Greer, the remaining members had to make up for the lack of this man’s powerful rhythm with an array of expensive electronic instruments.
Since then, everything has gone swimmingly.
It’s now two-thousand-and-two. The third Penguins exposé (as The Parlour Grands) took place in the confined confines of "Cool" Jonny Tiernan’s radio narrowcasting booth. Charles was surly, like the fourth of the seven Duffs, Surly, or Will Self; Claire was girlie, like Girlie Action Media And Marketing; and Reggie was barely audible due to "Cool" Jonny’s brazen amateurishness (this would never happen with Jonny McTiernan).
The Essential Penguins went to London, England, to see Future Bible Heroes, jive with Rupa Chawda and partake in a spot of, a jot of, a lot of croquet.
"Cool" Jonny showed Claire (presently off to Queen’s) the time of her life, by escorting her to her Upper Sixth Formal Gala Musical Extravaganza Extraordinaire!
Long-term Essential Penguins affiliate, Paula Gorman, went a’courting with "Cool" Jonny. She purchased him a copy of L’Etranger by Albert Camus, which was pointless.
CD versions of Eternal Youth by Future Bible Heroes, Oh, Inverted World! by The Shins, Songs Of Faith And Devotion by Depeche Mode and Bonnie Et Clyde by Serge Gainsbourg were purchased.
"Cool" Jonny made intimations that he would record The Penguins’ sound for posterity, however, compiling his periodical, Alternative Ulster Magazine, prevented this happening happening. He did, though, put aside time enough from his grueling publication to bejewel his sex with the fruits of hot smelting and metallurgy.
Other recitals were executed (as The Scarves, The Rock'n'Roll Dahls and Oh-Croquet, disrespectively).
Amidst the calendar pages of the ohsovery jejune year, two-thousand-and-three, Graham Harrison foured the band when he rollicked up to Claire, on Belfast’s The Vennui’s dance floor, and evinced his desire to drum drums.
The Penguins took a brusque parenthesis into Goth (as The Oubliettes).
Then there was the jazzin’ and the jivin’ (as The Make-Believe Garden-Girls).
At some stage, someone, probably Reggie, promulgated, "We really should praise The Throes by recording our own version of their melodious gem, Leather Straps And Baseball Bats EP." The paltry pun, Nether Chaps And Tasteful DATs, was decided upon as the record’s title, and mucho recording ensued.
Still earlier that lame year, The Essential Penguins heard word that myriad previously-unpublished recordings by Jamie Aceytlcholine (presently a pelvis and some ribs in Cremona funerary grounds) had been chanced upon in a roof space in Tangier (Aceytlcholine reputedly often holidayed in this sand-worn town, as he felt the scintillating milieu would provide unbridled inspiration, and he felt the hoards of young boys). The Aceytlcholine Foundation, hearing good things about The Penguins’ production faculties (often attributed either to Screwtape Mixcraft Productions or simply Ookie Cookie), proffered to them the job of reproducing the numerous tracks until they could be categorized as something less than pulchritudinous. Though they were forewarned that the recordings were in media forms ranging from wax-cylinder, magnetic-tape and "seashell" to Elcassette, DCC and MP3, the Penguins accepted the task, as they desperately needed the money to pay for the operation. And still do.
In the twilight months of two-thousand-and-three, "Cool" Jonny (skateboardernaire) vaguely requested a brief brief of The Essential Penguins of The Essential Penguins. Apathetic toward, and frankly baffled by, his intentions, they, whilst listening to Maaya Sakamoto on repeat, composed a poststructural passage, alloying truths and facts in inequitable measure, focusing mainly on rumour and hear’say. Tired and semi-suicidal, they are now completing such a summary.
But when they say now, they mean the past, because they have no idea when you’re reading this. Or, indeed, why. As recently as yesterday, it was two-thousand-and-five and still this piece had not gone into print and, therefore, it must be appended with details of shenanigans that shenaniganed in two-thousand-and-four.
Though, now they think about it, your imagination would proffer more likely occurrences than actually took place (unless you happen to be Neil "Noble Savage" Scout).
Frankly, everyone was too buzy (an abridgment of busy and lazy) to do much of anything.
*The Official Essential Penguins website can be located nowhere.*
