FAN FIC: Terminator - Questioning Fate {5}
Title: Questioning Fate
Author: Syrai
Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language)
Pairings: Kate/John/Original character triangle, sort of
Status: WIP
Summary: Judgment Day never came but now, 2006 it's about to. To prevent it from happening is another person sent through time to help John Connor and his wife. But what is going on and what are the real reasons behind Robin York's actions?
PREVIOUS CHAPTERS
Author's Note: The song's "Same Direction" by Hoobastank.
QUESTIONING FATE
// Chapter 5
“...Whenever I step outside, somebody claims to see the light
It seems to me that all of us have lost our patience.
'cause everyone thinks they're right,
And nobody thinks that there just might
Be more than one road to our final destination
But I’m not ever going to know if I’m right or wrong
'cause we're all going in the same direction
And I’m not sure which way to go because all along
We've been going in the same direction...”
”Damnit, Connor! Did I not tell you to go away!?”
You know, for a woman in pain she really does look scary as hell when angry and I bet she’s not even trying to… She’s standing there on one step of the stairs, pressing her side again only this time with both hands as if she was bleeding badly and the grimace on her face is back. A little push and she’d fell over, I’m sure. Yet she keeps looking scary. Freaks me out, really and I’m not easy one to freak out.
“Oh you’re welcome,” I blurt out a hint of sarcasm in my voice and walk up to her. “I just saved your pretty little ass here.” The look on her face is the same I saw before: Shooting flares at my direction, disagreeing. Angry. Great. I just don’t get what’s the deal with her, I truly don’t. She was the one who asked me to help her get out of this place in the first place, so what changed her mind? In a split second she took it back. What is the big secret she refuses to tell me?
“My pretty little ass did not need saving, thank you very much!” She snaps angrily. “I was doing just fine, Connor!”
I frown. Does she even realize how wrong she is? My gaze sweeps over her. Seems to me she can hardly stand, let alone run. She could’ve probably reached the exit mark on the first floor before fainting. Guess she’s one of those know-it-all-types, huh? Doesn’t surprise me, though, Kate can be like that too. Guess it’s a female-thing.
”Whatever you wanna tell yourself,” I sigh after observing her a little and gesture towards the exit few steps below us, “now, let’s go.”
She shakes her head, taking a step backwards. Gods, stop playing games with me! Do as I’m saying! The cops are going to wake up soon!
“No, I gotta do something,” she says strictly. She’s obviously not getting the fact she’s injured and can’t handle the situation by herself. I glare at her.
“No, you don’t.”
//
I pout.
I told him I wouldn’t leave the hospital with him and yet, here I am, sitting in his old crappy car trying to stare out of the window. Keyword: trying.
Damnit - damn him! John’s driving, not saying a word to me but just observing the traffic in front of him. Although, I know he’s not paying that much attention to it; I can feel his eyes on me. He thinks I don’t notice it, but I do. And that’s why I try to stare out of the window, I don’t want to meet his eyes, not now. Why? Because I might give away something I’m not allowed to, right? Who made the rules in the first place? He did. It was John Connor who sent his men back in time to do this and that. Sarah told me they weren’t allowed to tell anything about the future; they weren’t allowed to be seen at all, actually. So I ask, what was the point of all that? How did they change the course of the future if they couldn’t do anything? I don’t know. John’s mind is a labyrinth, dark and dangerous.
Why does he follow my every move out of the corner of his eye like that? Maybe he thinks I’ll jump out of the moving car just to get away from him? Well, sure, I thought bout that and dropped it. Not a good idea.
Ugh.
This time I force myself to look out of the window for real. Focus on the surroundings, Robin. Well, what can I say? It’s breathtaking? Gods, how have I wished I’d see this scene again? Buildings, cars, people; I even missed the noise. It almost makes me forget the sound of the war I’m so used to. But at the moment I however, am too busy with pouting to actually enjoy… too much in pain to have energy to enjoy, is more like it. Pain… I think it’s the pain that makes my mind wonder, it’s the pain that makes my head so foggy… The reality just keeps fading away slowly. It’s the pain that makes me high.
I just want to sleep, I want dream about that park where I used to play with mom and dad watching over me. My home town was a little village nearby the border of Canada, silent little town in the middle of nowhere… I miss the town where no one had ever thought the Judgment Day would come; never had even heard of it. But it did come as we know. Loud and clear. I was in Baltimore that day with my boyfriend Daniel; having the most perfect day you can with someone you love.
I have no idea how it happened or how I survived, no memories at all. All I know is that I woke up 4 months after it all in some weird hospital room underground surrounded by people I had never seen in my life. John Connor had already taken the lead and had been trying to find survivors or so I was told, I didn’t meet him right away. I don’t know who fond me, where or when exactly, but I’m grateful for whoever it was. Saved me life.
My eyes snap open. How the hell did I end up here? Oh right, John just grabbed my arm and dragged me into his car like some damn cave man totally ignoring the fact he was hurting me. That’s right, real polite. Reminds me of the John I know but I’m not sure if it’s a good sign; not anymore. Then again, what do I really know? I’ve known this John less than a day, can’t say that much about him yet, now can I? I glance at him, but suddenly I can’t seem to take my eyes off of him. He looks so different, so much stronger but yet weaker at the same time. I guess there’s more innocence in his appearance. They say years bring power… they say years bring more self-confident, they say years make you stronger… but it’s not true. Years, they do nothing but eat you and make you older. Years spent fighting against invincible creatures are the worst. They make you dead inside and you grow cold.
You die. I died.
I’ve died so many times that I’m not sure if my heart still beats normally. I’ve been shot, I’ve been beaten; I’ve been strangled once. Every time they’ve somehow brought me back from dead and every time I’ve wished they hadn’t. I do love John, I do love his children but I do not love my reality. I’m dead inside and sometimes all I want is to be dead outside too. To match, so to speak. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel, you know that don’t you? There’s no out-of-your-body experience as they so often claim. It’s a lie, a big fat lie parents tell their children to make them less scared of death.
There’s not even silence. There’s nothing.
Why are they so scared of death? It’s bliss.
“Stop looking at me like that, lady," he says breaking my train of thought. I’m startled by the unexpected comment and for a moment I just stare at him. When my brain recalls everything that’s just happened, I break free from the intense stare but the word escapes my lips before I can stop it. ”York,” I say quietly. I said it, didn’t I?
He glances at me again, frowning. “What? You wanna go to New York?”
This time I don’t even try to hold it back. “No idiot,” I snap, “my name’s York - Robin.”
He looks at me funnily, as if he didn’t expect me to have a name. “Okay, York," he says nodding, tasting my name. Sweet, sour, something in between? I don’t ask but I’d want to. “Nice to meet you," he continues.
Wish I could say the same.
The thought hits me out of nowhere and at first I’m not sure if I should say anything. My nature is what it is, though. “I’ve been thinking, Connor,” I start. Truth is I haven’t been thinking about it at all but I might as well bring it up now that I remembered it. “YOU said that they know I was driving a stolen car but… That man was not there to arrest me!”
A muscle tenses on his jaw and I recognize it immediately. Son of a bitch! His eyes suddenly avoid mine; the traffic seems to interest him more than just a minute ago. Another sign I know way too well. Lying bastard. He clears his throat. ”Well, yes I said that...”
“But?”
“…but I failed to mention we didn’t tell them where we found you so they don’t know you were driving… any car. They just think you’re a missing person needing to be found.”
“Asshole!”
He rolls his eyes sighing. Don’t you roll your eyes at me! My mind is screaming louder than ever but I don’t say anything - yet.
“Oh come on,” he yelps, “I couldn’t say that you’re free to go - I want to know what the hell’s going on. We’re gonna go at our place, we sleep over the night…”
You gonna chain me to bed?
“...and we’ll talk in the morning.”
I blink. He is out of his fucking mind! I fight the urge to grab his collar and smack his head against the wheel. It wouldn’t do much good for either one of us, I suppose, but it would at least give me some sort of pleasure.
“In the morning?” I spit looking at him with my mouth open. “You sure are taking this way too light headedly, John.”
“Look, York, you were just in a car accident, you crashed against a goddamn tree and also, you were unconscious for few hours there.” His voice is getting more and more annoyed. “Excuse-me if I wanna keep you alive and doing well instead of getting you killed.”
What a joke. You care about my health now? Funny. Will you still care about it after ten years, huh? I wish I could tell him something, anything. I wish I could wipe that look away; tell him to give me a break because I know what I’m doing. But no, I can’t tell him what I know… and I don’t know what I’m doing. If there’s something I always tried to teach Sarah, it’s the fact you should never do anything out of impulse. Oh, look at me now. Being impulsive is good; it opens doors you never even saw were there… but only when it doesn’t involve you or anyone else getting killed. And what am I trying to do here? Yeah, I’m about to rewrite history. Again.
Brings the question back; what’s gonna be different this time?
John always says there’s no fate, but what we make for ourselves. It’s his mantra, I’m telling you. But at the same time, he often said Kate was his destiny. I don’t know bout others, but I see a conflict. How can there be no fate if there’s destiny? Fate is destiny!
I massage my temples trying to clear up my thoughts and concentrate. The pain is really making me numb… but at the same time I feel like I’m on drugs. Just focus and it’ll be alright.
“Where’s Brewster? Kate I mean?”
“Kate?”
What? Did you already forget her? I give him a look.
“Oh, right, she’s fine, she’s at the police station.”
I gasp. I heard wrong, I had to. “She’s where?!”
“At the police station?”
I’ll be damn. “Are you fucking crazy?”
“No, I’m not,” he exclaims, almost mad. He does NOT have the rights to be mad at me! I should be mad at him! I am mad at him!
“She’s taking care of this little situation you’ve created.” I’ve created? I’VE CREATED? Breathe Robin, breathe.
“She said I have family emergency.” Oh that explains, huh? “You don’t even have family,” I point out sarcastically.
“Just drop it! She’s fine.”
So? I don’t care if she’s ok. Fuck, did I say it out loud? No, I don’t think so, thank god. I should care though, but I don’t. I need to keep her safe, isn’t that one of the reasons I’m here? To make sure both Kate and John get out of this alive? Secure their future, sacrifice mine? For a moment it feels like my original plan has faded away, slipped from my mind and I can’t reach it. The plan I made, is gone now. Am I gonna have to start from the scratch? Robert Brewster. Just find Robert. He’ll make it go away, he’ll stop it. If he doesn’t do it, I’m gonna find that son of a bitch and kill it myself. Tear it apart. Kill. Kill. Die damnit. I don’t care if it kills me; I’ll find it and kill it even if it means I’m going down with it. It’s a virus and I’m the cure.
It’s a fucking machine!
Christ, I need painkillers.
“You didn’t tell her, did you?”
I ask: You didn’t tell her, did you? I bet my big eyes look really, really, really worried as they hover over him. Why did I ask that? Do you want to know? Do I want to know? What if he did? What does it change?
If you throw a bucket of warm water into the damn ocean, does it make it any warmer?
”No”, he answers smiling slightly. “I didn’t.” Must’ve been one amusing meeting they had. Jealousy is a bitch. “I grabbed her arm, pulled her into broom-closet and listened to her hiss at me like ten minutes… and then I told her to do it.”
Do what? Go to the damn police station so they could squeeze the truth out of her? Yes, my husband is John Connor. Yes, add him into your database and YES, get the machines after us! Okay, so maybe I’m not giving her the credit she deserves, after all every one that actually knew her, liked her. I never met her so it’s easy for me to dislike her. She was working in another base… with John of course, which is why I never got to meet her. I got transferred after her death, someone had mentioned my name to John and he thought I could be useful. Or maybe it had nothing to do with my abilities; he just needed a woman-figure around his children. At that point, it didn’t make any difference to me.
“She’s not too happy bout that is she?”
The world after the famous Judgment Day is very similar to this reality, actually. The settings have changed but the basic structure is still there. I wanted to work directly under his orders because it gave me a change to climb up the ranks - one by one. I was sergeant at that point, but since I am ambitious, I wanted to be something more. Captain? Major? Lieutenant? They all sounded pretty good to me.
”No.” He shakes his head, “she was angry, of course. But she’ll get over it. I’ll explain her everything when she calls.”
I never wanted to end up being just ‘wife’ but fate doesn’t ask. More precisely, I never wanted to end up being his wife.
Again, I frown. ”Calls?”
He gives a soft mocking laugh as if I was a stupid child. How does he do it? How can he make me feel like a complete idiot when he’s the one who doesn’t know what is going to happen? I know, damnit, I lived it!
”Cell-phones have been invented,” he explains. I snort - oh should’ve known. “You idiots have cell-phones? You have any idea how easy it is for them to trace you?! You’re even more stupid than I thought Connor!”
“It’s not like I’d be using my real name there. I’m Bob, remember?”
Sure, give fake name, it’ll make the difference. Wrong, sweetie! They can trace your voice too, I know they can! Stupid!
“You’re willing to do this all for her?” I yell waving my arms as I speak. “Think Connor, think! You have any idea in what kind of danger you both are just because you didn’t want to rip Kate from this place?” I shut should up. I should let my body fall against the back of the seat, I should look out of the window again and just shut up. As said, jealousy is a bitch but mixed up with frustration it’s a nuclear bomb. The pain’s making me dizzy again. Hang in, just try and hang in here.
“Who cares her family is here? I’m somewhat sure his father would love to keep her safe, even if it meant not knowing where she is! You stayed here because of her and that could end up killing you!”
”How’d you know?” It’s a challenge. He knows I’m about to fall apart and let it all out. He wants to know and that’s why he’s toying with me. God I hate it when he pushes me to the limits like this. It’s always you John, isn’t it? It’s always what you want. What about what I want? What about what I need?
“You act like you’d actually know what’s going on in here.” My voice is suddenly calm. “You act as if you’d be the leader.”
“I am, aren’t I?” Sarcasm? John, John, John. Don’t let it get to your head.
“You know what? No, you aren’t,” I say, “You will be… if you live long enough.” He doesn’t say anything, just glances at me quickly and since he’s not fighting back, I continue, “I know a lot of things, Connor. And for years I’ve wished I could tell you them. Like…” I inhale deeply before I let the words roll out.
“YOU FUCKING MORON!”
His knuckles are white… he squeezes the wheel with both hands. Slowly his face turns to me and the anger shadows his eyes. Did I hit the spot? “Excuse-me?” Low voice and electric look directed at me. Yes, I assume I did.
Don’t say it. “Why the hell did you stay here, John, why? What’s the real reason? You scared you’d lose her?” I blame the pain. I blame my foggy mind. I blame the fact he chose to stay with Kate. I blame the fact he never stopped loving her.
I blame Kate.
“What do you mean?”
Shit! The pain comes back like an electric shock shaking my body. “…I need… painkillers.”
The memory washes over me as my eyes meet his and I smile. Mother. I was a mother too. For 4 whole months, I was a god damn mother.
//
I need you to do something for me, he said to me after cramming me violently into a goddamn broom-closet. Right.
I need you to go to the police station and make a statement, he added.
Oh great.
I need you to tell them to make up an excuse for my absence.
Sure love, anything for you.
I sigh shoving my hands into my pockets to keep them warm. It’s cold, so fucking cold. Walk faster, walk faster.
John told me to take the buss. The buss?! Yeah, for some reason he needed the car and left me alone. It’s not like him but I’m sure he has his reasons, as always and I’m not mad… anymore. I’m just confused now, really confused. I don’t know what is going on around me and he refused to tell me. When something like this happens the first thought crossing your mind is that he’s obviously cheating on you. Aren’t they always? Every TV show, every movie, it’s always the reason.
When you realize you don’t know your beloved one that well anymore, your mind creates stories. This isn’t the first time it happens; I guess I just have an imagination without borders.
Maybe that woman was heading towards my father’s place to tell me that she’s my husband’s lover and that she’s pregnant for his child? Even the thought of baby makes sick to my stomach. Maybe that’s why John wanted to stay with her, you know. It had nothing to do with him wanting to make sure she’s ok; it had everything to do with their affair. Maybe he’s with her now, holding her, kissing her, laughing at my stupidity.
Maybe they’re planning how to break the news?
John’s not like that, I remind myself. He loves me and adores me! I know he loves me more than anything in the world…. because I’m all he has.
I could easily drop the story. I mean I could, if I knew why John stayed in her room for so long. She was unconscious, wasn’t she? So what the hell was he doing? Watching her sleep, petting her hair, holding her hand and telling her she’s gonna be alright?
Oh screw it, stop Kate!
Sometimes I wonder if John’s with me because he knew we’d end up together. Maybe the terminator changed our destinies, maybe we weren’t supposed to end up together after it all? Perhaps it’s not fate that made this happen; maybe we just figured we should get married because it happened in his reality. Well, it’s our destiny, the terminator made it very clear. Sometimes the story gets a new perspective; maybe he doesn’t love me… maybe he just thinks he loves me. Maybe he’s with me because it’s his duty, his destiny.
Fuck the destiny. He said he didn’t want any part of it, “never did.” I’m part of that destiny - where does it put me?
I can feel headache eating its way through my brain.
Yeah, I should call John to let him know we’re off the hook. I should let him know the fact the woman disappeared from the hospital is on their minds now. I should also tell him they didn’t know it was him who attacked those cops.
He didn’t tell me, but I know it anyway. It’s so like him. John’s with her, I’m sure of it.
I should make the call. But I don’t.
Walk faster.
//
“Ouch.”
If life could be just a little bit simpler, she’d be totally cool with it. She’d be happy, in fact. But no, it just didn’t work that way, did it? Her father always said that the new world didn’t work that way… and neither had the old one done. She wasn’t sure what options that left for her exactly, but it wasn’t the case there. Life wasn’t simple - what else was new?
What was the case then? Well.
She was lying on the wet, stone-hard ground; naked like a vulnerable newborn, trying to breathe for the first time. She felt the cold wind hit her whole body making her shiver like she had never shivered before - ever. Not to mention the growing pain eating her body all over, stopping her breathing every other second. If she had known how much it actually hurt, she would’ve forgotten the whole deal.
No, actually, she wouldn’t have. But she would've probably kicked something before doing this. Hard.
She wanted to sigh, but her lungs refused to act on it. This was not her day. Not by far.
“Ouch,” she repeated as she slowly got up on her feet. It took a few dazed minutes before she fully understood what had happened and at that moment the pain seemed to be forgotten, completely. She clapped her hands like a child should, looking ecstatic.
“Oh my god, I did it! Oh wicked!”
Only after another minute the fact she indeed was naked, seemed to slowly register into her mind. She looked down to meet the naked flesh of her chest.
Right.
But nah, being naked in some dark ally wasn’t really a problem to her; she had been in much, much more worse situations with all kind of… things chasing her, but the fact she was in some place she had never seen before… now that was classified as a problem. As a huge one by her book. She glanced around the space and wrapped her arms around her body to prevent the warmth of escaping. It didn’t help much though, but she pretended. Pretended that she had warm clothes on, had eaten delicious meal, that she was laying on her own bed listening to the distant voices of the war and that everything was ok. Peachy.
She glanced around her again and this time she actually paid attention to what she saw. Tall buildings, a noise of …traffic coming somewhere behind them, lights all over the sky. Wow, it all looked so surreal to her. This world was new to her for she had never ever seen it before. All she had was a picture in her mind drawn by her parents a long time ago.
Indeed, imagination can get you far as said, but this was so much better: this was real.
She took a shaky step forward and inhaling slowly ignoring the pain it caused.
No, she wasn’t a newborn - reborn was the perfect word to describe her.