OK so i had to write two contrasting monologues for class that together would be under four minutes. I need opinions on these two, not on time but on quality
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Very nice...yaakova17November 22 2005, 13:14:29 UTC
I really like them both.
One suggestion, though: Maybe make "Warts" a bit shorter and expand on "Boiling Water"? Warts is hilarious, but you get the point towards the middle, whereas I think there's a lot of emotion in the premise of Boiling that you could bring out.
warts: i don't think you should cut it the great thing about this one is that it isn't just funny, there is some real inner emotion that is being laughed at as a facade for what might really be there. you definitely don't need to, but an interesting twist to keep it the length it is and add humor is after the last line, maybe say something that shows you're still the prince charming that you are trying to get away from. "take your poison apple and choke on it!" contradict that statement.
boiling water: definitely needs expansion plotwise maybe make it more natural speaking: "you can't move and you can...(well, you can) hear your heartbeat in your ears."it adds so much more intimacy because of our natural inability to speak our emotions clearly.
you have a knack for this stuff ron i can't wait to read more
more specifically on boiling water (because wow, that one speaks to me - i hate time)
- instead of just saying there is an accident, go into detail there, say something about a specific accident, or who the call was from (the hospital, her mother, police officer, etc. , just a couple of specifics that could warm it up a bit .
-"laughing and having a good time" doesn't grab me much. add something from a date you have been on, something everyone could relate to, like gazing at the stars, rolling in the grass or snuggling in a blanket on the beach watching the tide.
for warts, trying saying "men think more with the head below their belt than the head on their shoulders", it alludes to a cliche comment without coming right out and saying it. its more funny and less crude. "i dont overstep my bounds" could be more specific, it has potential. the first two sentences the whole, "what the hell is wrong with women?" just doesnt grab me as flowing with rest of the piece.
Comments 5
One suggestion, though: Maybe make "Warts" a bit shorter and expand on "Boiling Water"? Warts is hilarious, but you get the point towards the middle, whereas I think there's a lot of emotion in the premise of Boiling that you could bring out.
Can't wait to see you!
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i know you dont want us to say anything about time..
but how long are they both running
because boiling water is a great skeleton
but it needs to get beefed up a bit
whatever
im a vegetarian
i can still say beefed up
i would say maybe cut down warts a little
but i really like the ending
so if you cut it dont cut that
boiling water has got some really good stuff potentially happening in it
i just think it needs more
but not too much more because i understand that its sparse because it needs to be that way and have some good pauses
and also
i can see you doing these both really well
and ALSO also
(this is for jackie and ron and whoever reads this)
rent
wednesday night
10 40
i love you both
Reply
warts:
i don't think you should cut it
the great thing about this one is that it isn't just funny, there is some real inner emotion that is being laughed at as a facade for what might really be there.
you definitely don't need to, but an interesting twist to keep it the length it is and add humor is after the last line, maybe say something that shows you're still the prince charming that you are trying to get away from. "take your poison apple and choke on it!" contradict that statement.
boiling water:
definitely needs expansion plotwise
maybe make it more natural speaking: "you can't move and you can...(well, you can) hear your heartbeat in your ears."it adds so much more intimacy because of our natural inability to speak our emotions clearly.
you have a knack for this stuff ron
i can't wait to read more
Reply
- instead of just saying there is an accident, go into detail there, say something about a specific accident, or who the call was from (the hospital, her mother, police officer, etc. , just a couple of specifics that could warm it up a bit .
-"laughing and having a good time" doesn't grab me much. add something from a date you have been on, something everyone could relate to, like gazing at the stars, rolling in the grass or snuggling in a blanket on the beach watching the tide.
for warts, trying saying "men think more with the head below their belt than the head on their shoulders", it alludes to a cliche comment without coming right out and saying it. its more funny and less crude.
"i dont overstep my bounds" could be more specific, it has potential. the first two sentences the whole, "what the hell is wrong with women?" just doesnt grab me as flowing with rest of the piece.
they are both really good though, i like them :)
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