muses_w_remotes | 12.1. Kindred quote
12.1. “I'm alone. The only thing that eases the pain of loneliness is family. The irony of my kind.”
| Kindred: The Embraced
Co-written with justalilcontact | Follows THIS
Chase's words had seemed to become stuck somewhere between his heart and his throat. Sheer anger was just fuelling within him and he was seething. But there was no one to blame. He wanted to blame his dead father - cancer was hereditary after all - but he knew if he began on that destructive route, he wouldn't be able to get off it. He didn't want to read the test results. All he wanted to do was go home.
When Rogue returned to the hospital a short while later, Chase was dressed and waiting to go. The last thing he wanted to do was upset her and scare her, but he just couldn't talk. He couldn't find the right words let alone form them rationally to speak. The anger and shock had muted him and all he could manage to get out for her was 'We're going home'. She was left hanging high and dry and he felt terrible for it. He would tell her, but right now, he just needed to be home with his wife and his daughter and away from anyone connected to IVs, losing their hair, vomiting in the halls, crying, shaking... all of it.
He stayed in the car when they collected Mia from Luke and Tab's care. He couldn't face anyone yet. He was numb and spent the whole car ride just staring blankly out the window. When they got home, he carried the baby capsule inside, along with the baby bag, shaking his head at any protests from Rogue that she could help. In a few days time, he might not be even able to lift his daughter. He needed this for the moment. He needed to do something. He now had their daughter cradled against his chest and he kissed her tiny head of dark hair, rubbing her back with his fingers. Sitting on their bed, he shifted back against the many pillows at the bed head, still silent for a few more minutes. He was trying to draw on the little energy he had inside him to talk to his wife. He didn't know why he hit such a wall with this. That old urge to shut down and push everyone away was kicking in, but it couldn't happen. Not this time. Not with his wife. He needed her. He couldn't face this without her.
He rested his cheek against Mia's head as she cooed with soft baby noises against his chest. Tears filled his eyes before he could stop them and he made no attempt to push it away this time. "I have cancer," he finally spoke up in a rough whisper.
Rogue had been trying to work out what could possibly keep Chase from talking to her, and the cold feeling in her gut didn't help. She'd only been able to guess since she'd returned to the hospital, and she cursed Wilson's timing. Why did he have to wait until she was gone to tell her husband the results? Didn't he understand she had to be there?
Now as she sat next to her husband on the bed she felt a sob get caught in her throat, and tried to find something reassuring to answer him with. She had nothing but wrapping her arm around him and resting her head against his shoulder as she looked down at their daughter in his arms. Why did this happen now? Why couldn't they just for once get everything they wanted and enjoy it. The trade off couldn't be her daughter for husband. It wasn't a deal she'd accept. "Can they treat it?" she asked quietly.
"They'll try," Chase said hoarsely, his eyes still on his daughter in his arms. How could something be so comforting yet fuel the fear hotter inside him? The thought he might not survive to see her grow up terrified him and a rough sob caught in his throat. He shook his head, trying to keep his composure. Rogue had to know. "The... it's not just the lump. It's spread to the lymph nodes. It's what they call Stage Two cancer, meaning it's not just isolated to one area." He stopped again and cradled his daughter securely with one hand so he could take Rogue's with his other.
Rogue's teeth dug into her lip to stop the tears she knew just wanted to escape. She could taste the copper tang of blood as her teeth broke through, but she still didn't cry. She held the Doc's hand tightly, and her mind tried to wrap around everything he was telling her. A small part of her was ready to accept the blame. What if she'd managed to give him cancer because her draining him? What if it hadn't just been the coma that was her fault? "Tryin' ain't good enough. Either they can, or they can't. I ain't gonna accept anythin' less. You're too damn important. You're everythin' to me, Doc. You and Mia... I don't--I can't lose ya."
Chase squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "There's no guarantees, Marie. They can only do what they can do," he said tearfully. "There will be a lot of treatment and I know what you're thinking. I know you. You didn't do this to me. It's been in me longer than since the coma. It has to have been to be this advanced. Ironically, if we had let House be my doctor with the coma, he would've found it then," he realised. "But it doesn't matter. I can't do this on my own, Marie. It's going to be horrible and I need you. I won't have the strength to fight this on my own."
She lifted her head to look at him, tongue sliding over the fresh cut so she could get rid of the blood. "Maybe I shoulda let him take ya after all... Too late, I guess." She smiled sadly at him saying he knew her. He did, and it was kind of nice to have someone that could read her thoughts, that understood her as well as he did. He didn't even need a mutation to do it. She rest her forehead briefly against the side of his face before she kissed his cheek. In her mind there was no other place for her to be but by his side. "You're not gonna do it on ya own. You were never gonna do it on ya own. I love ya, Doc. If my strength will help, then ya got it."
Chase nodded a little and opened his eyes. They were red and wet from the tears, but he managed to hold her gaze this time. The treatment hadn't even started yet and he already felt sick. But if he had any reason to just do it and fight it, it was in his arms and it was sitting beside him. His head was spinning with everything that had been thrust upon them in the last twenty four hours, but Rogue's hand wrapped around his was keeping him grounded. There could be no running this time. "Monday morning, I have surgery. I have to be there first thing. I'll be in hospital for a few days after that and then I'll come home. Then I'll need to go back for a day every two weeks for chemo and radiation therapy. It might only need a couple of rounds, or it might take months. It just depends. It-It's going to tear me a new one, babe. There is no harsher treatment than chemo."
The tears she'd been fighting to keep back won out and she ducked her head as she let out a sob. She tried to muffle it by turning her head into her own shoulder, needing to keep her control in check. She was so worried about disturbing Mia with her own wails and sobs, but trying to keep quiet was hard. It felt like her heart was breaking. She still couldn't believe she and the Doc had to fight through this after already nearly losing each other, losing their first child... It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. Why couldn't they just be left to enjoy their daughter? Enjoy their family? "We're notgoin ' anywhere this weekend. The rest of the world can fuck off," Rogue murmured. "It's just gonna be you, me and Mia. I don't care about anyone else right now."
Mia inevitably started sobbing. How could she not? Babies sensed things, she would know both her parents were upset just like Baby Campbell had. Chase just felt helpless and really didn't know what he could do to fix things for his family. He felt like if he actually let himself really start to cry, the floodgates would open and he would never stop. He was exhausted and he didn't even know how he was going to begin to tell people he had cancer. They would need to know, though. Their friends especially.PPTH was very small when it wanted to be Wilson was right. People would know in a heartbeat that he was a patient, especially considering he would be on his own operating table for the surgery. His confidence waned and he looked between his daughter and Rogue helplessly. "I- I don't know if I can get through this," he finally said as the heavy, drained exhaustion kicked in.
Rogue took Mia from Chase, and tried to stop her own crying so she could work on comforting their daughter. She kissed her little girl's head and bounced her in her arms. She knew that realistically they would need to tell their friends, but for two days she really did just want the world to fuck off and leave them alone. In her mind, comfort came first, and sometimes so did denial. Rogue looked at her husband and managed to smile a little. "I told ya before that ya have to, or I'll kick ya ass. I ain't gonna have ya give up on us, Doc. We didn't come this far to lose it. And we ain't gonna, okay? The cancer can go fuck itself, and so cananythin' else that tries to keep gettin' in our way. You and me are in this for life. You're gonna get through it. We're gonna get through it."
Chase looked down at his hands as if only realising they were empty now. He folded them over in his lap and looked blankly at his wife and daughter. He wanted to be optimistic. He did, and if he had the energy, he would've tried. But come Monday, he would have a cancer ridden ball sliced out of him, leaving him with one. Then he would be pumped full of chemicals that would make him feel probably sicker than he had ever done in his life and even then, there was no guarantee it would work. He swallowed and took some deep breaths so he didn't lead himself into a panic attack. "I might get a shower," he said quietly.
"Wait," Rogue said softly. Mia was starting to settle again, even if she still looked like she knew something was wrong. Rogue stood so she could lay Mia in her crib in their room, and came back over to Chase so she could pull him up and wrap her arms around him properly. "If ya want to we can always take a bath... or I could join ya. But if not, just promise me you'll come back to bed. Mia could sleep with us tonight. I don't think either of us are gonna roll over her, right?"
"I promise I'll come back out," Chase murmured, "to bed..." he added as an afterthought. "She'll be fine. I don't think I'll be sleeping much anyway." He gave Rogue a soft kiss and pulled out of the embrace to try and find where he had left his bathrobe. He had to even make it into the shower first because standing in front of the mirror trying to memorise how he looked before losing a ball was probably going to be his first stop. If only he could remember how he looked without cancer.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,206
| Kindred: The Embraced
Co-written with justalilcontact | Follows THIS
Chase's words had seemed to become stuck somewhere between his heart and his throat. Sheer anger was just fuelling within him and he was seething. But there was no one to blame. He wanted to blame his dead father - cancer was hereditary after all - but he knew if he began on that destructive route, he wouldn't be able to get off it. He didn't want to read the test results. All he wanted to do was go home.
When Rogue returned to the hospital a short while later, Chase was dressed and waiting to go. The last thing he wanted to do was upset her and scare her, but he just couldn't talk. He couldn't find the right words let alone form them rationally to speak. The anger and shock had muted him and all he could manage to get out for her was 'We're going home'. She was left hanging high and dry and he felt terrible for it. He would tell her, but right now, he just needed to be home with his wife and his daughter and away from anyone connected to IVs, losing their hair, vomiting in the halls, crying, shaking... all of it.
He stayed in the car when they collected Mia from Luke and Tab's care. He couldn't face anyone yet. He was numb and spent the whole car ride just staring blankly out the window. When they got home, he carried the baby capsule inside, along with the baby bag, shaking his head at any protests from Rogue that she could help. In a few days time, he might not be even able to lift his daughter. He needed this for the moment. He needed to do something. He now had their daughter cradled against his chest and he kissed her tiny head of dark hair, rubbing her back with his fingers. Sitting on their bed, he shifted back against the many pillows at the bed head, still silent for a few more minutes. He was trying to draw on the little energy he had inside him to talk to his wife. He didn't know why he hit such a wall with this. That old urge to shut down and push everyone away was kicking in, but it couldn't happen. Not this time. Not with his wife. He needed her. He couldn't face this without her.
He rested his cheek against Mia's head as she cooed with soft baby noises against his chest. Tears filled his eyes before he could stop them and he made no attempt to push it away this time. "I have cancer," he finally spoke up in a rough whisper.
Rogue had been trying to work out what could possibly keep Chase from talking to her, and the cold feeling in her gut didn't help. She'd only been able to guess since she'd returned to the hospital, and she cursed Wilson's timing. Why did he have to wait until she was gone to tell her husband the results? Didn't he understand she had to be there?
Now as she sat next to her husband on the bed she felt a sob get caught in her throat, and tried to find something reassuring to answer him with. She had nothing but wrapping her arm around him and resting her head against his shoulder as she looked down at their daughter in his arms. Why did this happen now? Why couldn't they just for once get everything they wanted and enjoy it. The trade off couldn't be her daughter for husband. It wasn't a deal she'd accept. "Can they treat it?" she asked quietly.
"They'll try," Chase said hoarsely, his eyes still on his daughter in his arms. How could something be so comforting yet fuel the fear hotter inside him? The thought he might not survive to see her grow up terrified him and a rough sob caught in his throat. He shook his head, trying to keep his composure. Rogue had to know. "The... it's not just the lump. It's spread to the lymph nodes. It's what they call Stage Two cancer, meaning it's not just isolated to one area." He stopped again and cradled his daughter securely with one hand so he could take Rogue's with his other.
Rogue's teeth dug into her lip to stop the tears she knew just wanted to escape. She could taste the copper tang of blood as her teeth broke through, but she still didn't cry. She held the Doc's hand tightly, and her mind tried to wrap around everything he was telling her. A small part of her was ready to accept the blame. What if she'd managed to give him cancer because her draining him? What if it hadn't just been the coma that was her fault? "Tryin' ain't good enough. Either they can, or they can't. I ain't gonna accept anythin' less. You're too damn important. You're everythin' to me, Doc. You and Mia... I don't--I can't lose ya."
Chase squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "There's no guarantees, Marie. They can only do what they can do," he said tearfully. "There will be a lot of treatment and I know what you're thinking. I know you. You didn't do this to me. It's been in me longer than since the coma. It has to have been to be this advanced. Ironically, if we had let House be my doctor with the coma, he would've found it then," he realised. "But it doesn't matter. I can't do this on my own, Marie. It's going to be horrible and I need you. I won't have the strength to fight this on my own."
She lifted her head to look at him, tongue sliding over the fresh cut so she could get rid of the blood. "Maybe I shoulda let him take ya after all... Too late, I guess." She smiled sadly at him saying he knew her. He did, and it was kind of nice to have someone that could read her thoughts, that understood her as well as he did. He didn't even need a mutation to do it. She rest her forehead briefly against the side of his face before she kissed his cheek. In her mind there was no other place for her to be but by his side. "You're not gonna do it on ya own. You were never gonna do it on ya own. I love ya, Doc. If my strength will help, then ya got it."
Chase nodded a little and opened his eyes. They were red and wet from the tears, but he managed to hold her gaze this time. The treatment hadn't even started yet and he already felt sick. But if he had any reason to just do it and fight it, it was in his arms and it was sitting beside him. His head was spinning with everything that had been thrust upon them in the last twenty four hours, but Rogue's hand wrapped around his was keeping him grounded. There could be no running this time. "Monday morning, I have surgery. I have to be there first thing. I'll be in hospital for a few days after that and then I'll come home. Then I'll need to go back for a day every two weeks for chemo and radiation therapy. It might only need a couple of rounds, or it might take months. It just depends. It-It's going to tear me a new one, babe. There is no harsher treatment than chemo."
The tears she'd been fighting to keep back won out and she ducked her head as she let out a sob. She tried to muffle it by turning her head into her own shoulder, needing to keep her control in check. She was so worried about disturbing Mia with her own wails and sobs, but trying to keep quiet was hard. It felt like her heart was breaking. She still couldn't believe she and the Doc had to fight through this after already nearly losing each other, losing their first child... It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. Why couldn't they just be left to enjoy their daughter? Enjoy their family? "We're notgoin ' anywhere this weekend. The rest of the world can fuck off," Rogue murmured. "It's just gonna be you, me and Mia. I don't care about anyone else right now."
Mia inevitably started sobbing. How could she not? Babies sensed things, she would know both her parents were upset just like Baby Campbell had. Chase just felt helpless and really didn't know what he could do to fix things for his family. He felt like if he actually let himself really start to cry, the floodgates would open and he would never stop. He was exhausted and he didn't even know how he was going to begin to tell people he had cancer. They would need to know, though. Their friends especially.PPTH was very small when it wanted to be Wilson was right. People would know in a heartbeat that he was a patient, especially considering he would be on his own operating table for the surgery. His confidence waned and he looked between his daughter and Rogue helplessly. "I- I don't know if I can get through this," he finally said as the heavy, drained exhaustion kicked in.
Rogue took Mia from Chase, and tried to stop her own crying so she could work on comforting their daughter. She kissed her little girl's head and bounced her in her arms. She knew that realistically they would need to tell their friends, but for two days she really did just want the world to fuck off and leave them alone. In her mind, comfort came first, and sometimes so did denial. Rogue looked at her husband and managed to smile a little. "I told ya before that ya have to, or I'll kick ya ass. I ain't gonna have ya give up on us, Doc. We didn't come this far to lose it. And we ain't gonna, okay? The cancer can go fuck itself, and so cananythin' else that tries to keep gettin' in our way. You and me are in this for life. You're gonna get through it. We're gonna get through it."
Chase looked down at his hands as if only realising they were empty now. He folded them over in his lap and looked blankly at his wife and daughter. He wanted to be optimistic. He did, and if he had the energy, he would've tried. But come Monday, he would have a cancer ridden ball sliced out of him, leaving him with one. Then he would be pumped full of chemicals that would make him feel probably sicker than he had ever done in his life and even then, there was no guarantee it would work. He swallowed and took some deep breaths so he didn't lead himself into a panic attack. "I might get a shower," he said quietly.
"Wait," Rogue said softly. Mia was starting to settle again, even if she still looked like she knew something was wrong. Rogue stood so she could lay Mia in her crib in their room, and came back over to Chase so she could pull him up and wrap her arms around him properly. "If ya want to we can always take a bath... or I could join ya. But if not, just promise me you'll come back to bed. Mia could sleep with us tonight. I don't think either of us are gonna roll over her, right?"
"I promise I'll come back out," Chase murmured, "to bed..." he added as an afterthought. "She'll be fine. I don't think I'll be sleeping much anyway." He gave Rogue a soft kiss and pulled out of the embrace to try and find where he had left his bathrobe. He had to even make it into the shower first because standing in front of the mirror trying to memorise how he looked before losing a ball was probably going to be his first stop. If only he could remember how he looked without cancer.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,206