VAM NADA JEET (вам надо жить)
My alarm went off at 1o:oo this morning. Static noise and rap music. I got up, turned it off, and went back to bed. Couldn't. Rolled over on my back. Stared up at a ceiling pregnant with water damage. And said aloud in my now standard faux-profound will-report-saying-this-later-on-live- journal tone of voice:
"You're ruining my life."
Rationality. My old friend. Back at last. I've always valued rationality above all else. Most likely. Who could make such a sweeping statement?
Life doesn't just happen. I learned something today. But it doesn't ever stop happening. Things don't work out in the end. Cause there is no end. I mean there's an end. But things will never work out by then. Maybe things are neverending and time is limited. Yes that's the point. A point.
Life is random and shit just happens.
Cluster-fuck-haphazard.
I've known this for a long time. Just didn't know it. Not for a long time.
I stand behind my irrationality. Irrationally. I think dropping out is a good idea. It's school-graduate-work-marriage-kids-disillusion-death. That's the life my parents wanted for me. Admittedly minus the disillusionment part. My society is sending me mixed messages. It's almost as if no one has any fucking clue.
What's right? What's moral?
Define your terms.
Fucking society.
The next person who tells me to just be myself gets punched in the throat.
And it's more than spite. Spite yes. Society is predicated on spite.
Only the spiteful are taken seriously. Only they will go places.
It's principle.
I've mistreated myself for years.
Because of you.
Put myself on this ride to nowhere. Wasted good time.
Your fault. Not mine.
I was a scared little kid. Thrown to wolves.
Is this moral?
I made decisions. I stuck by them.
You have no system. You say you have a right answer. You have none.
I wanted something better. I was spoiled. I was stubborn. Narcissistic.
You called me a faggot. I clammed up. I followed your advice.
I tried to kill myself.
Because of you. It's all your fault.
I was in love with him.
And said nothing.
Where is your morality?
You are shit. Fucking shit.
You talk about tolerance.
Tolerance when?
Fuck your tolerance.
I don't want it.
ALL I EVER WANTED.
And I don't want it.
I don't want your life.
I'll take mine. You can't have it.
But I sure as fuck don't want yours.
Call it spite.
Tell me my decision is stupid. Emotional. Irrational.
My culture is irrational.
My God is irrational.
I owe nothing to either of them.
"You're ruining my life."
Rationality. My old friend. Back at last. I've always valued rationality above all else. Most likely. Who could make such a sweeping statement?
Life doesn't just happen. I learned something today. But it doesn't ever stop happening. Things don't work out in the end. Cause there is no end. I mean there's an end. But things will never work out by then. Maybe things are neverending and time is limited. Yes that's the point. A point.
Life is random and shit just happens.
Cluster-fuck-haphazard.
I've known this for a long time. Just didn't know it. Not for a long time.
I stand behind my irrationality. Irrationally. I think dropping out is a good idea. It's school-graduate-work-marriage-kids-disillusion-death. That's the life my parents wanted for me. Admittedly minus the disillusionment part. My society is sending me mixed messages. It's almost as if no one has any fucking clue.
What's right? What's moral?
Define your terms.
Fucking society.
The next person who tells me to just be myself gets punched in the throat.
And it's more than spite. Spite yes. Society is predicated on spite.
Only the spiteful are taken seriously. Only they will go places.
It's principle.
I've mistreated myself for years.
Because of you.
Put myself on this ride to nowhere. Wasted good time.
Your fault. Not mine.
I was a scared little kid. Thrown to wolves.
Is this moral?
I made decisions. I stuck by them.
You have no system. You say you have a right answer. You have none.
I wanted something better. I was spoiled. I was stubborn. Narcissistic.
You called me a faggot. I clammed up. I followed your advice.
I tried to kill myself.
Because of you. It's all your fault.
I was in love with him.
And said nothing.
Where is your morality?
You are shit. Fucking shit.
You talk about tolerance.
Tolerance when?
Fuck your tolerance.
I don't want it.
ALL I EVER WANTED.
And I don't want it.
I don't want your life.
I'll take mine. You can't have it.
But I sure as fuck don't want yours.
Call it spite.
Tell me my decision is stupid. Emotional. Irrational.
My culture is irrational.
My God is irrational.
I owe nothing to either of them.