>warning: emo journal
Allow me to dissipate the use of my America facade just so I can get this out.
I have feelings that I would like to get rid of, because keeping them in is what eats me to death.
If you see any typos anywhere, screw them because I'm either too tired and/or have done too much crying to have noticed.
Oh and guess what? Public journal just because, whoopty friggin doo, get off my fucking back, I do as I please.
Let me first start and say how much I absolutely hate my life. I hate it. I've literally spent my entire life in the shadows, either trying to be a loner or by hiding behind the shadows of my friends. I am merely nothing but a parasite and need people to feed off of just to give myself a decent reason to keep going in life. I know I should have reasons much better than this, but I don't. I can't make decisions for myself, I don't care what happens unless it affects me, and I can barely [or actually, I can't] fend for myself in the real world. I'm too dependent. And since I've waited so late in life to try to be independent, I don't think I'll ever be able to function correctly in a society. I'm pretty much formed into something that always needs someone [or maybe something, but I really don't know] to keep moving.
In fact, here's an example. I graduated Collins High School on May 20, 2011. What have I done since then? Absolutely nothing. All I do is sleep, lay around and spend more time in my room than I do outside. I haven't tried looking for a job because my excuse is that I can't take orders. I barely even eat anymore, and when I do, it's so much of one thing that once I run out of, I won't have anything else to eat. I can't cook, save for the basic oven foods, microwavable foods, eggs and ramen. I'm lazy. I spend countless hours on the internet and I do nothing to try and benefit myself for the future. I don't know if it's a matter of not caring or anything, or maybe even because I'm not exactly sure on what to do, but I do nothing. NOTHING.
When's the last time I actually went out of town? Last week, but only because I was motivated by my best friend to do it.
Oh, yeah, that brings up another story involving her and me being such a damn parasite. As we all know, friends do a lot for each other, and even help each other out when the other is in need. Sure, there was that point where eventually she started buying things for me simply because she said I deserved them, and even though I insisted on paying her back [while I didn't have any money] I started to get a little too used to it. Perhaps I got a bit too clingy. Whatever words you can use to describe it, that's probably what it was. Anyways, I remember that I was at home supposedly doing homework [and by supposedly I mean wasn't, I was really on my laptop] and she sent me a message on msn saying that we needed to talk. [I do believe I still have the convo saved, but for my sake, I'll merely only tell you.]
She told me I was going to be pissed. Honestly, pissed was a bit much. If anything, I was hurt. Crushed. Whatever that is a decent synonym for those words. I don't know what was eating at her to tell me such things, and honestly I'm sure that I didn't quite care at the time, but she admitted things I knew. She told me I was spoiled and felt that I needed to know because I didn't realized that it bothered people. Ha...no, I will admit, I didn't realize me feeling like I was on top of the world and you needed to follow my goddamn rules bothered people. Guess that's what I get for being arrogant, huh? Moving along. She continued telling me examples of me being like...well, an ass in general.
Making extra stops to feed me.
- I understand, I'm such a picky eater, but for fuck's sake, ignore my damn whining and go to whatever place you like. I have wants, yes, and I have cravings, be like my parents and learn to ignore me. Give me a choice. I either eat there or I go home hungry. Jeez.
Ignoring her mom and our librarian.
- That's a bunch of bullshit. If anything, I will admit that this here was bull. I don't ignore people I don't know that well. More than likely I just didn't hear them because I'm never paying attention. Oblivious little me, woo.
Those days where I act like I'm smarter than my friend.
- That was it? Sure, I do have my moments, but I never actually believed I was smarter. I'm a dumbass compared to her. It's the reason why she was the valedictorian and I was third. Honestly....fucking honestly.
In so many words, she was basically tired of putting up with me. I guess it didn't help that I was already having a shitty day at the time. I guess I wouldn't have felt so bad if she hadn't asked me to vent to her just a few minutes after giving me all this information. Well, jeez. No, I will not share my feelings if you just told me all that.
And so began the 3 months of snarky comment and "putting me in my place."
Oh, how I would have loved to have driven a bullet in my brain right then and there. Did I mention I have a suicidal nature? If not, I am suicidal. I've spent pretty much 60% of the time from between last year and now trying to think of some kind of elaborate plan to wipe myself off this planet. I hate myself that much, and only people I knew online...and my friend whom I've mentioned above, knew. I refuse to tell my parents, because if they knew they'd blame it on the internet, and if I told my other friends, I don't know how they'd react.
Aha, why am I not dead yet? Oh yeah, that's why, people talk me out of it. Typical.
Though there was really one in particular. A close friend. Well...through the internet anyways.
He's my ex from a long-distance relationship, so therefore I suck and now kinda wished I didn't let him go because I'm probably jealous of him now.
YES, MY LOVE LIFE SUCKS. I'VE ONLY BEEN IN TWO RELATIONSHIPS, BOTH LONG-DISTANCE, AND IF YOU ADD UP THE TOTAL TIME TOGETHER, YOU'LL COME UP WITH 3 MONTHS! ISN'T THAT JUST BLOODY FANTASTIC?!
Might I add that the first one ended because he wanted a closer relationship and the second one was because I stopped liking him and I wasn't really happy anymore? Can I also add that some time after, they both started dating guys?
/implying that I may be a terrible girl, that really hurts more than people think OTL;;
I'm not even going to start on how fail that is, it makes me want to cry more than anything.
Guess this doesn't help that I'm such an anti-social, stuck up bitch either, does it? No, no it does not. I describe myself however I please, and you describe me however the hell you want, but you don't know me well enough to say that I'm not. I know what I am, so please, just get over it.
Better yet, I'm just gonna end my journal like this in the dark before I even get back on the thought process leaving and going to go eat a bullet.
Personally, I think I should, but a lot of other people don't, and so for their sake [and lack of persuasion] I won't.
Tch.
Screw it, I'm just going to bed. I'm better off crying on a pillow anyways.
Better off living my life alone...just better off...
...fuck it.
JUST FUCK IT.
I am not in the mood for this anymore. I don't care, have my life's story from this past year, it's fine, I just needed some place to dump all of this because twitter isn't the place for so many words.
...whatever.
Hmph.
I'll feel better later. Don't worry about it.
Good night.
I have feelings that I would like to get rid of, because keeping them in is what eats me to death.
If you see any typos anywhere, screw them because I'm either too tired and/or have done too much crying to have noticed.
Oh and guess what? Public journal just because, whoopty friggin doo, get off my fucking back, I do as I please.
Let me first start and say how much I absolutely hate my life. I hate it. I've literally spent my entire life in the shadows, either trying to be a loner or by hiding behind the shadows of my friends. I am merely nothing but a parasite and need people to feed off of just to give myself a decent reason to keep going in life. I know I should have reasons much better than this, but I don't. I can't make decisions for myself, I don't care what happens unless it affects me, and I can barely [or actually, I can't] fend for myself in the real world. I'm too dependent. And since I've waited so late in life to try to be independent, I don't think I'll ever be able to function correctly in a society. I'm pretty much formed into something that always needs someone [or maybe something, but I really don't know] to keep moving.
In fact, here's an example. I graduated Collins High School on May 20, 2011. What have I done since then? Absolutely nothing. All I do is sleep, lay around and spend more time in my room than I do outside. I haven't tried looking for a job because my excuse is that I can't take orders. I barely even eat anymore, and when I do, it's so much of one thing that once I run out of, I won't have anything else to eat. I can't cook, save for the basic oven foods, microwavable foods, eggs and ramen. I'm lazy. I spend countless hours on the internet and I do nothing to try and benefit myself for the future. I don't know if it's a matter of not caring or anything, or maybe even because I'm not exactly sure on what to do, but I do nothing. NOTHING.
When's the last time I actually went out of town? Last week, but only because I was motivated by my best friend to do it.
Oh, yeah, that brings up another story involving her and me being such a damn parasite. As we all know, friends do a lot for each other, and even help each other out when the other is in need. Sure, there was that point where eventually she started buying things for me simply because she said I deserved them, and even though I insisted on paying her back [while I didn't have any money] I started to get a little too used to it. Perhaps I got a bit too clingy. Whatever words you can use to describe it, that's probably what it was. Anyways, I remember that I was at home supposedly doing homework [and by supposedly I mean wasn't, I was really on my laptop] and she sent me a message on msn saying that we needed to talk. [I do believe I still have the convo saved, but for my sake, I'll merely only tell you.]
She told me I was going to be pissed. Honestly, pissed was a bit much. If anything, I was hurt. Crushed. Whatever that is a decent synonym for those words. I don't know what was eating at her to tell me such things, and honestly I'm sure that I didn't quite care at the time, but she admitted things I knew. She told me I was spoiled and felt that I needed to know because I didn't realized that it bothered people. Ha...no, I will admit, I didn't realize me feeling like I was on top of the world and you needed to follow my goddamn rules bothered people. Guess that's what I get for being arrogant, huh? Moving along. She continued telling me examples of me being like...well, an ass in general.
Making extra stops to feed me.
- I understand, I'm such a picky eater, but for fuck's sake, ignore my damn whining and go to whatever place you like. I have wants, yes, and I have cravings, be like my parents and learn to ignore me. Give me a choice. I either eat there or I go home hungry. Jeez.
Ignoring her mom and our librarian.
- That's a bunch of bullshit. If anything, I will admit that this here was bull. I don't ignore people I don't know that well. More than likely I just didn't hear them because I'm never paying attention. Oblivious little me, woo.
Those days where I act like I'm smarter than my friend.
- That was it? Sure, I do have my moments, but I never actually believed I was smarter. I'm a dumbass compared to her. It's the reason why she was the valedictorian and I was third. Honestly....fucking honestly.
In so many words, she was basically tired of putting up with me. I guess it didn't help that I was already having a shitty day at the time. I guess I wouldn't have felt so bad if she hadn't asked me to vent to her just a few minutes after giving me all this information. Well, jeez. No, I will not share my feelings if you just told me all that.
And so began the 3 months of snarky comment and "putting me in my place."
Oh, how I would have loved to have driven a bullet in my brain right then and there. Did I mention I have a suicidal nature? If not, I am suicidal. I've spent pretty much 60% of the time from between last year and now trying to think of some kind of elaborate plan to wipe myself off this planet. I hate myself that much, and only people I knew online...and my friend whom I've mentioned above, knew. I refuse to tell my parents, because if they knew they'd blame it on the internet, and if I told my other friends, I don't know how they'd react.
Aha, why am I not dead yet? Oh yeah, that's why, people talk me out of it. Typical.
Though there was really one in particular. A close friend. Well...through the internet anyways.
He's my ex from a long-distance relationship, so therefore I suck and now kinda wished I didn't let him go because I'm probably jealous of him now.
YES, MY LOVE LIFE SUCKS. I'VE ONLY BEEN IN TWO RELATIONSHIPS, BOTH LONG-DISTANCE, AND IF YOU ADD UP THE TOTAL TIME TOGETHER, YOU'LL COME UP WITH 3 MONTHS! ISN'T THAT JUST BLOODY FANTASTIC?!
Might I add that the first one ended because he wanted a closer relationship and the second one was because I stopped liking him and I wasn't really happy anymore? Can I also add that some time after, they both started dating guys?
/implying that I may be a terrible girl, that really hurts more than people think OTL;;
I'm not even going to start on how fail that is, it makes me want to cry more than anything.
Guess this doesn't help that I'm such an anti-social, stuck up bitch either, does it? No, no it does not. I describe myself however I please, and you describe me however the hell you want, but you don't know me well enough to say that I'm not. I know what I am, so please, just get over it.
Better yet, I'm just gonna end my journal like this in the dark before I even get back on the thought process leaving and going to go eat a bullet.
Personally, I think I should, but a lot of other people don't, and so for their sake [and lack of persuasion] I won't.
Tch.
Screw it, I'm just going to bed. I'm better off crying on a pillow anyways.
Better off living my life alone...just better off...
...fuck it.
JUST FUCK IT.
I am not in the mood for this anymore. I don't care, have my life's story from this past year, it's fine, I just needed some place to dump all of this because twitter isn't the place for so many words.
...whatever.
Hmph.
I'll feel better later. Don't worry about it.
Good night.