crushed by a word so true / torn by her eyes so blue / and my heart's desire...
Something I wanted to badly but never aquired? That's so easy. Lucas. More than anything, I wanted Lucas. I wanted to be with him all the time, every day. I know how awfully repetitive I get about this at times... But it's just so hard. After all this time, it's still so very hard.
To some extent, I suppose I did aquire him. Can you really aquire a person though? That's a pretty scary thought, actually. There were short, short moments when I looked at him (that stupid bastard) and actually thought. "Wow. This is it... what dreams are made of. We can make this work." Then, reality would give me a hard bitchslap in the face (at most times, reality is also known as Brooke Davis), and I'd just look at him and wonder what the hell I was thinking.
Just as much as we knew we wanted to be together, both he and I knew we never could. Never have a relationship. Never do the whole lovey-dovey thing. (Even though we both wanted it.)
"I want everything with you. I want it all. I want us, Peyton."
My whole life people have been telling me that I’m not in touch with my feelings; I’m what they like to call ‘emotionally closed off.’ I even got ‘you’re a cold hearted bitch, Peyton! No… no, you don’t even have a freaking heart!’ from Nathan once, during one of our weaker moments, which kind of hurt.
So, whenever I was put in a situation with Lucas that was, well…emotional, or bound to become emotional, it was like I flipped. For a minute or two I’d get caught in the moment, but then he’d go all serious… and I’d just flip. He’d talk about serious relationships, how he wanted to be in my heart forever, and how we’d be happy together. Gee… what was next? Pickin’ out a house and doggy? Painting the picket fence?
“Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?”
He’d look at me, and he’d be so serious about it all. I wasn’t used to hearing those kind of things, all that drama, all those feelings. With Nathan it was all so easy. There would be me, and there would be him. Together we’d go to the parties we were supposed to attend (I am such a loser cheerleader…), we’d have lunch together and we’d hold hands in public. (Mega yeugh, I may add). And so comes along Lucas, and tells me all these things. Makes me feel things I never felt before.
And I wanted it so bad, I wanted him so bad… But I was too scared to say it. Also, of course, a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was way too proud to admit that I actually had feelings. I, Peyton Sawyer, was human after all, contrary to popular belief…
I’ve had a 1,000 conversations with Lucas Scott in my head where I knew exactly what to say. I know exactly to react when he says “Let’s be together, Peyton. I need to be with you,” but I know that when he actually decides to come around and tell me that in real life, I'll freeze. I'll freak out and simply push him away. Again.
“But the truth is, I want all the same things that you want. I do! And I want them with you.”
I imagine I’m rambling on and on about things now, and I realize I only answerered half of the question… Because honestly, I have no idea what things would be like if Lucas and I were together today. I’d be happy? Cheery?
I guess sometimes love just isn’t enough. It doesn’t conquer everything. And I can’t help but to wonder… If love is the answer, what is the question?