SPN: When Your Best Just Isn't Enough
Castiel lay curled on his side on the couch. The appeal was today, and he was afraid. Michael had decreed that he shouldn't attend, that it would only upset him and distract the rest of the brothers. Sam had taken the case to his bosses, and one of the senior partners had agreed to defend Lucas himself. With that sort of help, they had a good chance of winning.
It was just... the waiting was unbearable. Dean had been called in to work since a fire had broken out down town and they needed all available hands. Gabriel was at the trial since he was needed as a character witness. Sam was gaining invaluable experience assisting Mr Crowley with the defence, making sure they had all the documents and information they needed and running errands.
In short, everyone was being useful, except for Castiel.
“It shouldn't be Lucas on trial,” a voice spoke. Castiel whimpered and tried to block his ears. The voices in his head had recently progressed to full-blown visits, and currently Balthazar was lounging in the arm chair opposite. “Lucas was always so smart, so careful,” Balthazar continued, and Castiel could hear every word even with his hands over his ears. “He never would have gotten so sloppy when he was younger. It should be you up on the stand, bro. You're the biggest murderer in the family.”
“Leave me alone,” Castiel whispered, scrunching his eyes closed. “You're not real.”
“And whose fault is that?” Anna's soft tone came from behind. “Neither of us deserved to die. Lucas doesn't deserve to die. You're the only one who should be buried.”
“I know! I'm sorry!” He shouted. “I'd take it back if I could, I'd change places with you. I'd take Lucas' punishment. But I can't.”
“Maybe you can't change places, “ Balthazar sounded thoughtful, and Castiel opened his eyes. “If you join us though, we'll stop being mean. We'd welcome you.”
“We could be a family again,” Anna coaxed. “And think, if Lucas joins us too...”
“But Gabriel...” Castiel tried to protest. “Gabriel would be sad. And Dean-”
“Oh please,” Balthazar rolled his eyes. “Wake up. If you were gone they'd comfort each other and probably end up in bed. Gabriel could give Dean the stable relationship he deserves, and Dean would take care of Gabriel. While fucking each other against every available surface, of course.”
“They wouldn't have to worry any more,” Anna continued. “They could be happy together if you weren't around. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you?”
Castiel closed his eyes again, tears spilling over and tracking down his cheeks. They were right, of course were. They were always right. When he opened his eyes he was in the bathroom, in front of the medicine cabinet. Idly he wondered how he'd gotten here, then shook it off. Anna and Balthazar were standing behind him, smiling at their reflections in the mirror.
“It'll be so good,” Anna said, sounding so happy. “We'll be together forever. No one will ever hurt any of us again.
Castiel nodded shakily and opened the cabinet. He knew that Dean had some sleeping pills from just after his father's death. After a bit of digging around, he found the bottle. There weren't many left, and frowned down at the bottle. Why weren't there many left?
“Don't worry,” Anna said soothingly. “Just take them all. It'll be okay, you'll be with us soon.”
“Okay,” Castiel nodded. He filled the bottle with water, then drank them all down. He hoped that it would be over soon.
“Might wanna go lie down bro,” Balthazar was smiling fondly at him. “It'll make things easier.”
The walls were rather less stationary than usual, but Castiel didn't let that bother him. Instead he focussed on the couch - the lovely, comfortable couch that Dean loved to cuddle on, though he refused to admit it - and curled up in one corner. He cuddled the cushion that smelled a little like Dean, and let himself drift off to sleep, hopefully never to wake again.
~*~
“Yeah, I'm almost home,” Dean muttered into the phone. “I dunno how he's gonna be. He's been on his own most of the day.”
He paused, listening to Sam natter away about the case while he fished around for his keys. It had really irked him having to leave Cas by himself, but he'd been needed. He couldn't just let people die, but he'd been on edge all day. This wasn't a good time for Cas to be alone.
“Okay Sammy,” Dean finally found his keys and unlocked the door. “Whatever you say. Cas?” He called out. “Cas, Sam's on the phone. You wanna...”
Trailing off, Dean smiled to himself when he saw his lover fast asleep on the couch. It was something of a relief, since Cas hadn't been sleeping well lately.
“I'll call you back Sam, he's sleeping... Yeah, yeah. Bye.” Hanging up, he rolled his eyes and quietly walked over to the couch. Despite his care, Dean bumped into the coffee table and sent a glass crashing to the ground. Dean winced, then frowned.
Cas didn't move. Something clearly wasn't right. Cas was a really light sleeper, he usually woke at the slightest sound.
“Cas?” Dean felt as though ice was running through his veins. “Angel, wake up.” He reached out and cupped Castiel's cheek in his hand. The skin was warm, and he could feel faint breath against his wrist, but Cas still didn't move or wake.
Dean glanced around, trying to find any reason, then froze. Lying on the couch as though it had slipped from Castiel's grasp was Dean's bottle of sleeping pills. The now empty bottle.
“Shit, shit, Cas!” He grabbed Castiel's shoulder and shook it, panicking a bit. “C'mon angel, don't do this!”
When there was still no response, Dean grabbed his phone again and dialled.
“Yeah, I need an ambulance, Cas took a heap of seeping pills... No, not a cat you idiot! Cas! He's my boyfriend!”
~*~
Dean sat by Castiel's bedside, holding his hand. Gabriel hadn't thought that kind of thing happened outside of movies, but apparently Dean needed the contact. Thinking about it, Gabriel couldn't really blame him.
Michael, Raphael, their sister Rachel and one of their other brothers Zachariah were all still at the trial. Lucas had barely kept it together when they'd told him, a feeling that Gabriel was all too familiar with. He'd elected to come and sit with Cas until he woke up, promising to text someone as soon as he did. Now they just had to wait.
It had been about an hour before that Cas had been put in this room, and Dean and Gabriel had been allowed in. They were under strict instructions to call for a nurse when he did wake, but Gabriel wanted to talk to him first. He just didn't understand why Cas would do something like this now.
“Cas?” Dean's voice was rough, and Gabriel looked up. Cas was blinking blearily, eyes cloudy with drugged confusion, but he was okay. The little shit was okay.
“Hey Bright-eyes,” Gabriel tried to smile. He reached out and brushed his fingers along Castiel's cheek, biting down the urge to hit his brother and demand answers. “Ready to wake up?”
“Where's Anna?” Castiel's voice was slurred, but they could still understand him. Gabriel blinked in confusion. Had his memory been damaged?
“Cas, angel, do you know who I am?” Dean asked, and Gabriel could hear the desperation in his voice.
“O'crse I do Dean,” Castiel's head lolled a little as he turned to look at his lover, apparently trying to glare. “Where's Anna? Said we'd be t'gether. Balthzr waitng too.”
Gabriel froze, exchanging wide-eyed glances with Dean. Cas was hearing his dead siblings. He'd tried to kill himself to be with them. How had they not known that this was happening?
“I'm... gonna go get a nurse,” Gabriel choked out. “Dean'll stay with you. I'll be right back.”
“Mkay...” Cas closed his eyes again, and Gabriel fled before he could start crying in front of his brother.
~*~
Dean stayed with Cas all through the night, through the doctor visits and the drug tests and everything. It wasn't until the hospital was dark and Dean was lying half on his chair and half on the mattress that Cas finally spoke to him properly.
“Dean?” The shaky voice came from the darkness, and he immediately woke up fully.
“Yeah angel, I'm here.”
“I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought... I didn't want you to be hurt.”
“It's okay,” Dean reached out and took hold of Castiel's hand again. “I'm here. We'll get through this.”
“If I don't come through,” Cas continued as though Dean hadn't said anything, “I want you to know that it's okay. You and Gabriel, I mean. You can get together, you'd suit each other.”
“What?” Dean felt the bottom of his stomach drop out. “Cas, I'm not getting together with your brother. I love you.”
“I've seen you kissing,” Cas frowned, eyes seemingly staring at nothing. “I don't think it was real, but it could be in the future. I'm okay with that. If you want to be with him, I mean. You should be together.”
“Shut up you idiot.” Dean's throat was tight, and it was hard to talk. “Cas, you're the love of my life. If you die, you're gonna take my heart with you. You're it for me, no one else. So stop talking like I'm gonna jump into bed with your brother. Won't happen.”
There was silence for a few minutes, and Dean lay his head back down next to Castiel's stomach.
“They're taking me away tomorrow, aren't they?” Cas spoke up again. Dean bit his cheek and nodded. “Back to the asylum. Maybe it's for the best.”
Dean had nothing to say to that.
~*~
Six months.
It had been six months, and Cas was still locked up in an insane asylum. Dean visited him as often as he could, but neither he nor the doctors could tell if it was good or bad for Cas. Sometimes a visit from Dean would have Cas lucid and cheerful for a few days, sometimes the mere mention would send him into a tailspin. By now, Dean had learned to just go with the flow where Cas was concerned.
Today had seemed like a good day. Cas had been almost normal - well, normal for Cas at least - until one of the other patients in the day room started going off on a rant about how homosexuals were a sin against God, and that they would be struck down for daring to go against the natural order.
Dean stood, already uncomfortable, and squeezed Castiel's hand for a brief moment.
“Stay here angel, I'm gonna go get someone to calm him down.”
Cas just nodded, eyes downcast, and Dean fought back the anger. They had enough problems without some douche making Cas feel bad about his sexuality.
It turned out that a nurse was already heading over, and Dean shot the guy a thankful smile. Then he heard a crash and whipped around again, shocked at what he was seeing.
Cas seemed to have lost his temper and flown at the crazy guy, ready for a fight. Without doubt, Cas was winning.
“Woah! Cas!” Without sparing a thought for safety, Dean leapt in and helped the nurse trying to separate the brawling men. “Cas, c'mon man, let go!”
Cas, though, seemed intent on beating the religious nutbag to a bloody pulp. While Dean had known for a long time that his boyfriend was actually a lot stronger than he looked, it still took him by surprise how hard it was to drag him back a few steps. As soon as he did, the nurse was able to drag the other man away easily, while Dean held Cas in his arms and tired to calm him down.
“Hey angel, shhh,” Dean tried to coax Cas back from his apparently murderous rage. “It's okay. He's just an idiot, he can't hurt you. Shhh.”
This time, Cas had to be sedated before Dean could leave.
~*~
Gabriel sighed as he stepped into the house. From the message Dean had left on his phone, it seemed that Castiel had had a particularly bad day.
“Dean?” He called out. Knocking hadn't produced any results, so he'd just let himself in using the key Cas gave him. Looking around he couldn't immediately see Dean, so he closed the door and went further into the house.
“Dean, where are you?” It was starting to annoy Gabriel, until he walked into the living room and saw out onto the back patio. Dean was sitting outside drinking from a bottle of what looked like tequila.
This clearly wasn't good.
“Hey,” Gabriel spoke as he opened the back door. “You okay out here?”
“Cas?” Dean slurred the name, and Gabriel bit back a wince. The man was already drunk enough to mistake Gabriel for his little brother - and they had hardly any physical similarities.
“I think you've had enough,” Gabriel responded. He moved forward to try and confiscate the bottle, but Dean moved it out of reach.
“'M sorry angel,” Dean looked particularly cute when he was being contrite, and Gabriel tried to remember that this was his brother's boyfriend. “I know you can't have any, an' I promised not to drink here. Just missed you.”
“I know,” Gabriel moved closer. “It's okay. Just give me the bottle...”
Gabriel had never really been around Dean when he was drunk, so didn't realise that it usually made him affectionate and extremely physical. It was this lack of knowledge that Gabriel blamed when Dean was easily able to pull him down onto his lap, arms around Gabriel's middle as though they belonged there.
Suddenly he was mere inches away from the guy he'd been trying to get over, was right in his lap. Gabriel really wasn't sure if he was strong enough to resist.
“Huh,” Dean sounded puzzled. “You got shorter, Cas.”
With a jolt, Gabriel was reminded that Dean was out of his mind and didn't really know who he was holding.
“Dean, wait. I'm not-”
He was cut off when Dean pressed their lips together. As first kisses went it wasn't great, Dean tasted of cheap tequila and the angle was all wrong, and this was his little brother's boyfriend. Gabriel went to pull away -
- but then Dean angled his head better and slid one hand down to massage Gabriel's arse, and sweet policeman on a pogo stick Dean had skills with his tongue. Gabriel's conscience was screaming at him to pull back, to put a stop to this.
Instead, Gabriel wrapped an arm around Dean's neck and kissed him back.
~*~
When Dean woke, it was to the warm feeling of a naked body curled up mostly on top of him. It was familiar, calming, and he moved a little to inhale Castiel's calming scent.
Only it wasn't Cas that he smelled. It was sweeter, underneath a layer of alcohol, and his eyes flew open to see a different man in his arms.
Gabriel.
Dean felt sick to his stomach, and not just from the hangover. The memories came flooding back, and though he knew that he hadn't consciously cheated on Cas, the fact was he'd had sex with his lover's older brother.
He shoved Gabriel off and shot out of bed as quickly as he could, making it to the bathroom just in time to be sick. He couldn't hear anything over the sound of blood rushing through his ears and the feeble retching he was doing.
After what felt like an eternity, Dean pulled himself upright and flushed the toilet. His hand shook as he brushed the taste of vomit from his mouth. He drank some water straight from the bathroom tap, aware that he was stalling but unable to make himself go any faster. He was putting off having to face Gabriel for as long as possible.
Eventually he could put it off no longer. Wrapping a towel around his waist, Dean stepped out into the living room, ready to face the music.
Over on the couch, Gabriel was sitting with his head in his hands. The shorter man looked up, and guilt was written all over his face. In that instant, Dean remembered another important fact from the night before.
Dean had been drunk, certainly.
Gabriel hadn't.
The fury that ran through him then was like fire. Gabriel had been in full control of his actions the whole time, had known that Dean wasn't, had fucking known that this should never have happened, and he hadn't said anything to stop it.
“You bastard,” he growled out. Gabriel flinched, but didn't deny the accusation. Didn't even look surprised. “Why? Just... why would you do that?”
“Because I...” Gabriel trailed off and closed his eyes, breathing hard. It seemed like he was on the verge of a panic attack.
Dean couldn't find it in him to care.
“It was too much,” Gabriel finally admitted. “I wanted you for so long, kept telling myself that it couldn't happen, but then... you kissed me. It was too good and too much and I couldn't fight it any more.”
Dean felt most of the fight leave him. He'd been in similar situations before, wanting someone he couldn't have, and though he couldn't forgive Gabriel at least he understood the reasoning.
“Get out,” he sighed, shoulders slumping as he made his way back to the bathroom. He needed to shower.
“Dean, I-”
“I said get out.”
A few seconds later there was movement, and when Dean exited the bathroom a second time, Gabriel was gone.
~*~
Castiel was sitting in the day room again. He'd been confined to his room for a while, but now he could wander again. The punishment hadn't really bothered him, to be honest. Castiel's room was peaceful, no one else to make him feel unworthy or upset. Now he was expected to mingle with the other patients when he'd much rather be back in his room, reading.
“Hey Bright-eyes.”
Looking up, Castiel smiled at his brother. He'd been a little lonely, no one had visited for a few days, and it was nice to have pleasant company again.
“Hello Gabriel. Have you come to save me from boredom?”
“Hopefully,” Gabriel weakly returned the smile. Something was off, Castiel knew. His brother was usually the most cheerful of all their siblings, able to laugh anything off. Now, he seemed tense and nervous, unable to meet Castiel's eyes for more than a few seconds at a time.
“Is Lucas all right?” Castiel asked, afraid that something may have happened to their brother. Gabriel, however, jumped as though shocked and quickly sent him a reassuring smile.
“He's fine, I promise. The other inmates are all too scared to cross him. I think he kinda likes being in prison now he's not in solitary any more.”
“Of course he does,” Castiel nodded, relieved. “He has power, respect and influence among the inmates. They call him Lucifer.”
“Really?” Gabriel looked surprised, as though he hadn't known.
“Yes. I am occasionally able to speak to him over the telephone. We both enjoy the contact.” Castiel watched as Gabriel nodded absently and glanced around again. Something clearly wasn't right. “Gabriel, what's wrong? Is it... something with Dean?”
The flash of guilt across Gabriel's face would have gone undetected by anyone else, but Castiel was too well versed in his brother's expressions. He was instantly certain that he'd guessed correctly.
“Gabriel, what's happened. Did...” It had been guilt on his face. Not many things would make Gabriel feel guilty. “You and Dean had sex, didn't you?”
Castiel had thought that he could keep his voice steady. As soon as he heard himself though, Castiel knew that he was wrong. It was Dean, he could never stay calm where his love was involved, and the despair was clear in his voice. Gabriel had frozen in place, as good as an admission to Castiel, and he found that he was shaking. This was his nightmare come true.
“Cas, wait,” Gabriel quickly came closer and wrapped him in his arms. “No, it's not like that. We had a fight, that's all. Dean would never cheat on you, he loves you. You're his world, he loves you. I promise.”
The words weren't registering though, and Castiel kept shivering. He felt as though his whole world was crashing down around him, Gabriel's arms not meaning anything. It was the worst he'd ever felt, even right before trying to kill himself. He was going to lose Dean.
~*~
Dean froze as he entered the day room, seeing Gabriel and Cas huddled together. What was Gabriel saying? Was he still trying to sabotage their relationship still? How could he...
“Dean would never hurt you like that, I promise.” The words finally made their way into Dean's head, and he paused to hear Gabriel's excuses. “Dean loves you. I just did something stupid and we fought, that's all, it's okay little bro.”
Gabriel was taking the fall, and protecting Cas. There was a surge of relief that went through Dean and nearly knocked him over. Instead, he moved forward and sat on the other side of Cas, gathering his boyfriend close. Gabriel let Cas go, guilt and distress clear on his face.
“Hey angel,” Dean gently stroked Castiel's hair, muttering endearments and doing all he could to soothe his love. Gradually Cas stopped shaking and instead burrowed closer to Dean, slowly calming and - to Dean's surprise - he seemed to fall asleep nestled somewhere he felt safe.
“Dean, I... I can't take back what happened,” Gabriel spoke when Cas was breathing deeply. “Just please know, the last thing I want is to destroy you and Castiel. You're good together, he loves you so much. I never want you and him to separate.”
His fingers running through Castiel's hair, Dean felt the slight flinch. Cas wasn't quite as sleepy as he appeared, and his response was important.
“I love him too. I'll do anything for Cas, you know that. And if you ever put us at risk again I will rip out your kidneys and feed them to you. Understand me?”
“Yeah,” Gabriel nodded sadly. “I... I screwed up. I'll never risk hurting Cas again, I promise.”
“Good. Now get out.”
Gabriel stood and made his way out, head bowed. His spark seemed to have gone, drained out of him with one big stupid mistake, and Dean couldn't help feeling guilty again. Despite Gabriel taking the blame, Dean still knew that he'd screwed up as well. Drinking shouldn't have been his response to Castiel's meltdown, he should have done something else. Called Sammy, gone for a run, cooked a meal... instead he'd turned to drink.
“It's gonna be okay angel,” he whispered and kissed the top of Castiel's head. “I love you. Gabriel and I will work out our fight, I promise. Don't worry.”
Even though Cas snuggled in close again, Dean still couldn't fight off the sense of foreboding that flowed through him.
~*~
“Hey baby bro, how are you doing?” Lucas' calm voice was a balm to Castiel's fractured nerves, and he smiled a little as he cradled the phone in his hand.
“I... I don't know.”
“Tell me what's wrong. I'll do what I can to fix it, you know I'll take care of you.”
“You always do,” Castiel admitted. While his closeness with Gabriel had been fairly on and off, Lucas had been taking care of Castiel his whole life. He was the brother who Castiel could always rely on. “It's Dean and Gabriel. Something happened between them, they say that they fought, but... I don't know. I keep thinking that I see them kissing or having sex, I don't know if it's real. I just hate being in here, I can't know what's happening, I can't... I can't...”
“Okay baby, okay,” Lucas soothed him easily as he always had. “I'll talk to Gabriel. Trust me to get the truth, yeah?”
“Of course,” Castiel sighed in relief. “I need to get out of here.”
“I know the feeling.”
Lucas did his best to soothe Castiel, and by the time their phone time was over, Castiel was much calmer. He knew what he had to do, even if it wasn't something that Lucas had suggested. There was one way to ensure that he didn't get his heart broken by his family and lover any more.
~*~
Heart in his throat, Dean took the stairs two at a time next to the orderly. The phone call was repeating through his mind, along with a chorus of not again, not again, not fucking again!
They burst through the door to the roof - the door that was meant to remain locked at all times, and damn Dean regretted teaching Cas to pick locks now - and there he was, walking up and down the railing, arms outstretched. Cas was back in his normal clothes, his overcoat flowing around him, and with the sun setting behind him he now, more than ever, looked like an angel.
“Cas? Angel, please come here,” Dean called, plea clear in his voice. Cas looked over and smiled at him, as beautiful as the day they'd met.
“Hello Dean. I understand now.”
“Understand what?” Out of the corner of his eye, Dean could see Gabriel stumble out of the door, looking horrified.
“I understand what you have been telling me. I am an angel.” There was an odd lilt to Castiel's words, and Dean knew it was from the pills he'd stolen from the pharmaceutical department. He was hallucinating worse than ever.
“Yes Cas, you're my angel,” Dean nodded. “Please come here, I need you with me.”
“I can't do that yet,” Castiel shook his head. “I'm trapped. I need to be free, I need to fly.”
“Cas, no! Don't!”
“Angel!”
“Watch me fly, Dean!”
“NO!”
~fin~
Part One | Masterpost
It was just... the waiting was unbearable. Dean had been called in to work since a fire had broken out down town and they needed all available hands. Gabriel was at the trial since he was needed as a character witness. Sam was gaining invaluable experience assisting Mr Crowley with the defence, making sure they had all the documents and information they needed and running errands.
In short, everyone was being useful, except for Castiel.
“It shouldn't be Lucas on trial,” a voice spoke. Castiel whimpered and tried to block his ears. The voices in his head had recently progressed to full-blown visits, and currently Balthazar was lounging in the arm chair opposite. “Lucas was always so smart, so careful,” Balthazar continued, and Castiel could hear every word even with his hands over his ears. “He never would have gotten so sloppy when he was younger. It should be you up on the stand, bro. You're the biggest murderer in the family.”
“Leave me alone,” Castiel whispered, scrunching his eyes closed. “You're not real.”
“And whose fault is that?” Anna's soft tone came from behind. “Neither of us deserved to die. Lucas doesn't deserve to die. You're the only one who should be buried.”
“I know! I'm sorry!” He shouted. “I'd take it back if I could, I'd change places with you. I'd take Lucas' punishment. But I can't.”
“Maybe you can't change places, “ Balthazar sounded thoughtful, and Castiel opened his eyes. “If you join us though, we'll stop being mean. We'd welcome you.”
“We could be a family again,” Anna coaxed. “And think, if Lucas joins us too...”
“But Gabriel...” Castiel tried to protest. “Gabriel would be sad. And Dean-”
“Oh please,” Balthazar rolled his eyes. “Wake up. If you were gone they'd comfort each other and probably end up in bed. Gabriel could give Dean the stable relationship he deserves, and Dean would take care of Gabriel. While fucking each other against every available surface, of course.”
“They wouldn't have to worry any more,” Anna continued. “They could be happy together if you weren't around. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you?”
Castiel closed his eyes again, tears spilling over and tracking down his cheeks. They were right, of course were. They were always right. When he opened his eyes he was in the bathroom, in front of the medicine cabinet. Idly he wondered how he'd gotten here, then shook it off. Anna and Balthazar were standing behind him, smiling at their reflections in the mirror.
“It'll be so good,” Anna said, sounding so happy. “We'll be together forever. No one will ever hurt any of us again.
Castiel nodded shakily and opened the cabinet. He knew that Dean had some sleeping pills from just after his father's death. After a bit of digging around, he found the bottle. There weren't many left, and frowned down at the bottle. Why weren't there many left?
“Don't worry,” Anna said soothingly. “Just take them all. It'll be okay, you'll be with us soon.”
“Okay,” Castiel nodded. He filled the bottle with water, then drank them all down. He hoped that it would be over soon.
“Might wanna go lie down bro,” Balthazar was smiling fondly at him. “It'll make things easier.”
The walls were rather less stationary than usual, but Castiel didn't let that bother him. Instead he focussed on the couch - the lovely, comfortable couch that Dean loved to cuddle on, though he refused to admit it - and curled up in one corner. He cuddled the cushion that smelled a little like Dean, and let himself drift off to sleep, hopefully never to wake again.
~*~
“Yeah, I'm almost home,” Dean muttered into the phone. “I dunno how he's gonna be. He's been on his own most of the day.”
He paused, listening to Sam natter away about the case while he fished around for his keys. It had really irked him having to leave Cas by himself, but he'd been needed. He couldn't just let people die, but he'd been on edge all day. This wasn't a good time for Cas to be alone.
“Okay Sammy,” Dean finally found his keys and unlocked the door. “Whatever you say. Cas?” He called out. “Cas, Sam's on the phone. You wanna...”
Trailing off, Dean smiled to himself when he saw his lover fast asleep on the couch. It was something of a relief, since Cas hadn't been sleeping well lately.
“I'll call you back Sam, he's sleeping... Yeah, yeah. Bye.” Hanging up, he rolled his eyes and quietly walked over to the couch. Despite his care, Dean bumped into the coffee table and sent a glass crashing to the ground. Dean winced, then frowned.
Cas didn't move. Something clearly wasn't right. Cas was a really light sleeper, he usually woke at the slightest sound.
“Cas?” Dean felt as though ice was running through his veins. “Angel, wake up.” He reached out and cupped Castiel's cheek in his hand. The skin was warm, and he could feel faint breath against his wrist, but Cas still didn't move or wake.
Dean glanced around, trying to find any reason, then froze. Lying on the couch as though it had slipped from Castiel's grasp was Dean's bottle of sleeping pills. The now empty bottle.
“Shit, shit, Cas!” He grabbed Castiel's shoulder and shook it, panicking a bit. “C'mon angel, don't do this!”
When there was still no response, Dean grabbed his phone again and dialled.
“Yeah, I need an ambulance, Cas took a heap of seeping pills... No, not a cat you idiot! Cas! He's my boyfriend!”
~*~
Dean sat by Castiel's bedside, holding his hand. Gabriel hadn't thought that kind of thing happened outside of movies, but apparently Dean needed the contact. Thinking about it, Gabriel couldn't really blame him.
Michael, Raphael, their sister Rachel and one of their other brothers Zachariah were all still at the trial. Lucas had barely kept it together when they'd told him, a feeling that Gabriel was all too familiar with. He'd elected to come and sit with Cas until he woke up, promising to text someone as soon as he did. Now they just had to wait.
It had been about an hour before that Cas had been put in this room, and Dean and Gabriel had been allowed in. They were under strict instructions to call for a nurse when he did wake, but Gabriel wanted to talk to him first. He just didn't understand why Cas would do something like this now.
“Cas?” Dean's voice was rough, and Gabriel looked up. Cas was blinking blearily, eyes cloudy with drugged confusion, but he was okay. The little shit was okay.
“Hey Bright-eyes,” Gabriel tried to smile. He reached out and brushed his fingers along Castiel's cheek, biting down the urge to hit his brother and demand answers. “Ready to wake up?”
“Where's Anna?” Castiel's voice was slurred, but they could still understand him. Gabriel blinked in confusion. Had his memory been damaged?
“Cas, angel, do you know who I am?” Dean asked, and Gabriel could hear the desperation in his voice.
“O'crse I do Dean,” Castiel's head lolled a little as he turned to look at his lover, apparently trying to glare. “Where's Anna? Said we'd be t'gether. Balthzr waitng too.”
Gabriel froze, exchanging wide-eyed glances with Dean. Cas was hearing his dead siblings. He'd tried to kill himself to be with them. How had they not known that this was happening?
“I'm... gonna go get a nurse,” Gabriel choked out. “Dean'll stay with you. I'll be right back.”
“Mkay...” Cas closed his eyes again, and Gabriel fled before he could start crying in front of his brother.
~*~
Dean stayed with Cas all through the night, through the doctor visits and the drug tests and everything. It wasn't until the hospital was dark and Dean was lying half on his chair and half on the mattress that Cas finally spoke to him properly.
“Dean?” The shaky voice came from the darkness, and he immediately woke up fully.
“Yeah angel, I'm here.”
“I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought... I didn't want you to be hurt.”
“It's okay,” Dean reached out and took hold of Castiel's hand again. “I'm here. We'll get through this.”
“If I don't come through,” Cas continued as though Dean hadn't said anything, “I want you to know that it's okay. You and Gabriel, I mean. You can get together, you'd suit each other.”
“What?” Dean felt the bottom of his stomach drop out. “Cas, I'm not getting together with your brother. I love you.”
“I've seen you kissing,” Cas frowned, eyes seemingly staring at nothing. “I don't think it was real, but it could be in the future. I'm okay with that. If you want to be with him, I mean. You should be together.”
“Shut up you idiot.” Dean's throat was tight, and it was hard to talk. “Cas, you're the love of my life. If you die, you're gonna take my heart with you. You're it for me, no one else. So stop talking like I'm gonna jump into bed with your brother. Won't happen.”
There was silence for a few minutes, and Dean lay his head back down next to Castiel's stomach.
“They're taking me away tomorrow, aren't they?” Cas spoke up again. Dean bit his cheek and nodded. “Back to the asylum. Maybe it's for the best.”
Dean had nothing to say to that.
~*~
Six months.
It had been six months, and Cas was still locked up in an insane asylum. Dean visited him as often as he could, but neither he nor the doctors could tell if it was good or bad for Cas. Sometimes a visit from Dean would have Cas lucid and cheerful for a few days, sometimes the mere mention would send him into a tailspin. By now, Dean had learned to just go with the flow where Cas was concerned.
Today had seemed like a good day. Cas had been almost normal - well, normal for Cas at least - until one of the other patients in the day room started going off on a rant about how homosexuals were a sin against God, and that they would be struck down for daring to go against the natural order.
Dean stood, already uncomfortable, and squeezed Castiel's hand for a brief moment.
“Stay here angel, I'm gonna go get someone to calm him down.”
Cas just nodded, eyes downcast, and Dean fought back the anger. They had enough problems without some douche making Cas feel bad about his sexuality.
It turned out that a nurse was already heading over, and Dean shot the guy a thankful smile. Then he heard a crash and whipped around again, shocked at what he was seeing.
Cas seemed to have lost his temper and flown at the crazy guy, ready for a fight. Without doubt, Cas was winning.
“Woah! Cas!” Without sparing a thought for safety, Dean leapt in and helped the nurse trying to separate the brawling men. “Cas, c'mon man, let go!”
Cas, though, seemed intent on beating the religious nutbag to a bloody pulp. While Dean had known for a long time that his boyfriend was actually a lot stronger than he looked, it still took him by surprise how hard it was to drag him back a few steps. As soon as he did, the nurse was able to drag the other man away easily, while Dean held Cas in his arms and tired to calm him down.
“Hey angel, shhh,” Dean tried to coax Cas back from his apparently murderous rage. “It's okay. He's just an idiot, he can't hurt you. Shhh.”
This time, Cas had to be sedated before Dean could leave.
~*~
Gabriel sighed as he stepped into the house. From the message Dean had left on his phone, it seemed that Castiel had had a particularly bad day.
“Dean?” He called out. Knocking hadn't produced any results, so he'd just let himself in using the key Cas gave him. Looking around he couldn't immediately see Dean, so he closed the door and went further into the house.
“Dean, where are you?” It was starting to annoy Gabriel, until he walked into the living room and saw out onto the back patio. Dean was sitting outside drinking from a bottle of what looked like tequila.
This clearly wasn't good.
“Hey,” Gabriel spoke as he opened the back door. “You okay out here?”
“Cas?” Dean slurred the name, and Gabriel bit back a wince. The man was already drunk enough to mistake Gabriel for his little brother - and they had hardly any physical similarities.
“I think you've had enough,” Gabriel responded. He moved forward to try and confiscate the bottle, but Dean moved it out of reach.
“'M sorry angel,” Dean looked particularly cute when he was being contrite, and Gabriel tried to remember that this was his brother's boyfriend. “I know you can't have any, an' I promised not to drink here. Just missed you.”
“I know,” Gabriel moved closer. “It's okay. Just give me the bottle...”
Gabriel had never really been around Dean when he was drunk, so didn't realise that it usually made him affectionate and extremely physical. It was this lack of knowledge that Gabriel blamed when Dean was easily able to pull him down onto his lap, arms around Gabriel's middle as though they belonged there.
Suddenly he was mere inches away from the guy he'd been trying to get over, was right in his lap. Gabriel really wasn't sure if he was strong enough to resist.
“Huh,” Dean sounded puzzled. “You got shorter, Cas.”
With a jolt, Gabriel was reminded that Dean was out of his mind and didn't really know who he was holding.
“Dean, wait. I'm not-”
He was cut off when Dean pressed their lips together. As first kisses went it wasn't great, Dean tasted of cheap tequila and the angle was all wrong, and this was his little brother's boyfriend. Gabriel went to pull away -
- but then Dean angled his head better and slid one hand down to massage Gabriel's arse, and sweet policeman on a pogo stick Dean had skills with his tongue. Gabriel's conscience was screaming at him to pull back, to put a stop to this.
Instead, Gabriel wrapped an arm around Dean's neck and kissed him back.
~*~
When Dean woke, it was to the warm feeling of a naked body curled up mostly on top of him. It was familiar, calming, and he moved a little to inhale Castiel's calming scent.
Only it wasn't Cas that he smelled. It was sweeter, underneath a layer of alcohol, and his eyes flew open to see a different man in his arms.
Gabriel.
Dean felt sick to his stomach, and not just from the hangover. The memories came flooding back, and though he knew that he hadn't consciously cheated on Cas, the fact was he'd had sex with his lover's older brother.
He shoved Gabriel off and shot out of bed as quickly as he could, making it to the bathroom just in time to be sick. He couldn't hear anything over the sound of blood rushing through his ears and the feeble retching he was doing.
After what felt like an eternity, Dean pulled himself upright and flushed the toilet. His hand shook as he brushed the taste of vomit from his mouth. He drank some water straight from the bathroom tap, aware that he was stalling but unable to make himself go any faster. He was putting off having to face Gabriel for as long as possible.
Eventually he could put it off no longer. Wrapping a towel around his waist, Dean stepped out into the living room, ready to face the music.
Over on the couch, Gabriel was sitting with his head in his hands. The shorter man looked up, and guilt was written all over his face. In that instant, Dean remembered another important fact from the night before.
Dean had been drunk, certainly.
Gabriel hadn't.
The fury that ran through him then was like fire. Gabriel had been in full control of his actions the whole time, had known that Dean wasn't, had fucking known that this should never have happened, and he hadn't said anything to stop it.
“You bastard,” he growled out. Gabriel flinched, but didn't deny the accusation. Didn't even look surprised. “Why? Just... why would you do that?”
“Because I...” Gabriel trailed off and closed his eyes, breathing hard. It seemed like he was on the verge of a panic attack.
Dean couldn't find it in him to care.
“It was too much,” Gabriel finally admitted. “I wanted you for so long, kept telling myself that it couldn't happen, but then... you kissed me. It was too good and too much and I couldn't fight it any more.”
Dean felt most of the fight leave him. He'd been in similar situations before, wanting someone he couldn't have, and though he couldn't forgive Gabriel at least he understood the reasoning.
“Get out,” he sighed, shoulders slumping as he made his way back to the bathroom. He needed to shower.
“Dean, I-”
“I said get out.”
A few seconds later there was movement, and when Dean exited the bathroom a second time, Gabriel was gone.
~*~
Castiel was sitting in the day room again. He'd been confined to his room for a while, but now he could wander again. The punishment hadn't really bothered him, to be honest. Castiel's room was peaceful, no one else to make him feel unworthy or upset. Now he was expected to mingle with the other patients when he'd much rather be back in his room, reading.
“Hey Bright-eyes.”
Looking up, Castiel smiled at his brother. He'd been a little lonely, no one had visited for a few days, and it was nice to have pleasant company again.
“Hello Gabriel. Have you come to save me from boredom?”
“Hopefully,” Gabriel weakly returned the smile. Something was off, Castiel knew. His brother was usually the most cheerful of all their siblings, able to laugh anything off. Now, he seemed tense and nervous, unable to meet Castiel's eyes for more than a few seconds at a time.
“Is Lucas all right?” Castiel asked, afraid that something may have happened to their brother. Gabriel, however, jumped as though shocked and quickly sent him a reassuring smile.
“He's fine, I promise. The other inmates are all too scared to cross him. I think he kinda likes being in prison now he's not in solitary any more.”
“Of course he does,” Castiel nodded, relieved. “He has power, respect and influence among the inmates. They call him Lucifer.”
“Really?” Gabriel looked surprised, as though he hadn't known.
“Yes. I am occasionally able to speak to him over the telephone. We both enjoy the contact.” Castiel watched as Gabriel nodded absently and glanced around again. Something clearly wasn't right. “Gabriel, what's wrong? Is it... something with Dean?”
The flash of guilt across Gabriel's face would have gone undetected by anyone else, but Castiel was too well versed in his brother's expressions. He was instantly certain that he'd guessed correctly.
“Gabriel, what's happened. Did...” It had been guilt on his face. Not many things would make Gabriel feel guilty. “You and Dean had sex, didn't you?”
Castiel had thought that he could keep his voice steady. As soon as he heard himself though, Castiel knew that he was wrong. It was Dean, he could never stay calm where his love was involved, and the despair was clear in his voice. Gabriel had frozen in place, as good as an admission to Castiel, and he found that he was shaking. This was his nightmare come true.
“Cas, wait,” Gabriel quickly came closer and wrapped him in his arms. “No, it's not like that. We had a fight, that's all. Dean would never cheat on you, he loves you. You're his world, he loves you. I promise.”
The words weren't registering though, and Castiel kept shivering. He felt as though his whole world was crashing down around him, Gabriel's arms not meaning anything. It was the worst he'd ever felt, even right before trying to kill himself. He was going to lose Dean.
~*~
Dean froze as he entered the day room, seeing Gabriel and Cas huddled together. What was Gabriel saying? Was he still trying to sabotage their relationship still? How could he...
“Dean would never hurt you like that, I promise.” The words finally made their way into Dean's head, and he paused to hear Gabriel's excuses. “Dean loves you. I just did something stupid and we fought, that's all, it's okay little bro.”
Gabriel was taking the fall, and protecting Cas. There was a surge of relief that went through Dean and nearly knocked him over. Instead, he moved forward and sat on the other side of Cas, gathering his boyfriend close. Gabriel let Cas go, guilt and distress clear on his face.
“Hey angel,” Dean gently stroked Castiel's hair, muttering endearments and doing all he could to soothe his love. Gradually Cas stopped shaking and instead burrowed closer to Dean, slowly calming and - to Dean's surprise - he seemed to fall asleep nestled somewhere he felt safe.
“Dean, I... I can't take back what happened,” Gabriel spoke when Cas was breathing deeply. “Just please know, the last thing I want is to destroy you and Castiel. You're good together, he loves you so much. I never want you and him to separate.”
His fingers running through Castiel's hair, Dean felt the slight flinch. Cas wasn't quite as sleepy as he appeared, and his response was important.
“I love him too. I'll do anything for Cas, you know that. And if you ever put us at risk again I will rip out your kidneys and feed them to you. Understand me?”
“Yeah,” Gabriel nodded sadly. “I... I screwed up. I'll never risk hurting Cas again, I promise.”
“Good. Now get out.”
Gabriel stood and made his way out, head bowed. His spark seemed to have gone, drained out of him with one big stupid mistake, and Dean couldn't help feeling guilty again. Despite Gabriel taking the blame, Dean still knew that he'd screwed up as well. Drinking shouldn't have been his response to Castiel's meltdown, he should have done something else. Called Sammy, gone for a run, cooked a meal... instead he'd turned to drink.
“It's gonna be okay angel,” he whispered and kissed the top of Castiel's head. “I love you. Gabriel and I will work out our fight, I promise. Don't worry.”
Even though Cas snuggled in close again, Dean still couldn't fight off the sense of foreboding that flowed through him.
~*~
“Hey baby bro, how are you doing?” Lucas' calm voice was a balm to Castiel's fractured nerves, and he smiled a little as he cradled the phone in his hand.
“I... I don't know.”
“Tell me what's wrong. I'll do what I can to fix it, you know I'll take care of you.”
“You always do,” Castiel admitted. While his closeness with Gabriel had been fairly on and off, Lucas had been taking care of Castiel his whole life. He was the brother who Castiel could always rely on. “It's Dean and Gabriel. Something happened between them, they say that they fought, but... I don't know. I keep thinking that I see them kissing or having sex, I don't know if it's real. I just hate being in here, I can't know what's happening, I can't... I can't...”
“Okay baby, okay,” Lucas soothed him easily as he always had. “I'll talk to Gabriel. Trust me to get the truth, yeah?”
“Of course,” Castiel sighed in relief. “I need to get out of here.”
“I know the feeling.”
Lucas did his best to soothe Castiel, and by the time their phone time was over, Castiel was much calmer. He knew what he had to do, even if it wasn't something that Lucas had suggested. There was one way to ensure that he didn't get his heart broken by his family and lover any more.
~*~
Heart in his throat, Dean took the stairs two at a time next to the orderly. The phone call was repeating through his mind, along with a chorus of not again, not again, not fucking again!
They burst through the door to the roof - the door that was meant to remain locked at all times, and damn Dean regretted teaching Cas to pick locks now - and there he was, walking up and down the railing, arms outstretched. Cas was back in his normal clothes, his overcoat flowing around him, and with the sun setting behind him he now, more than ever, looked like an angel.
“Cas? Angel, please come here,” Dean called, plea clear in his voice. Cas looked over and smiled at him, as beautiful as the day they'd met.
“Hello Dean. I understand now.”
“Understand what?” Out of the corner of his eye, Dean could see Gabriel stumble out of the door, looking horrified.
“I understand what you have been telling me. I am an angel.” There was an odd lilt to Castiel's words, and Dean knew it was from the pills he'd stolen from the pharmaceutical department. He was hallucinating worse than ever.
“Yes Cas, you're my angel,” Dean nodded. “Please come here, I need you with me.”
“I can't do that yet,” Castiel shook his head. “I'm trapped. I need to be free, I need to fly.”
“Cas, no! Don't!”
“Angel!”
“Watch me fly, Dean!”
“NO!”
~fin~
Part One | Masterpost