Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes): Chapter Six
Chapter seven is finally complete! There's just one little scene that I flat out hate, and I am playing around with it even as I type this (well, not as I type this because, you know, I can't type in two places at once, but you get what I'm saying) so hopefully I will be pleased with it soon and can then move on to chapter eight!
And the crack!fic is slowly coming to fruition. Oh my. It is going to be so much fun. I'm all twitchy with anticipation.
Onward to R/S shaggage ficage!
Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
It was clear as soon as they walked into the Potions classroom later that day that, supportive as James and various other Hogwarts students had been, not everyone was willing to wish the new “couple” well.
“I dunno, Moony,” Sirius muttered as he prodded the fire under his cauldron. “If I were actually dating you, I think I’d have to leave you just to keep that Daphne Caldwell from glaring at me every five seconds. She gives good glares, you know. I think my balls have run for cover.”
“If I were actually dating you, I’d be in our dormitory, hiding under my bed to save my poor ears from the death threats all the girls keep hissing at me every time I go to get some ingredients.” Remus shuddered. “It’s alarming how completely infatuated some of these girls are with you, you know.”
“Told you they’d be out to get you.”
“Yes, well.” Remus reached for his bottle of murtlap, uncorked it, and tipped it over his cauldron.
It took a moment for Remus to realize that nothing was coming out.
“Sirius,” he asked, as calmly as he could, “did you use the last of my essence of murtlap?”
“Hmmm? Oh, yes. I ran out last week. There should be more in the store room, no worries.”
“Fine then, you go get it.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you! If I pass by Loretta Waters again, I’m fairly certain she’ll hex me. Or just forget magic altogether and strangle me with her bare hands.”
“All right, you utter pansy, I’ll go get your sodding murtlap.”
“Aw, thank you, Siri darling.”
“Shut up.”
Sirius pointedly ignored Remus’s smirk and marched to the store room, making sure to give Loretta Waters a scalding glare on the way up. If he was going to play the role of “Moony’s boyfriend,” he was going to play it right.
“Essence of murtlap, essence of murtlap, sodding essence of bloody murtlap,” Sirius muttered as he deftly shifted the bottles around to read their labels.
“Are you quite finished with those, Black?” came a cold voice.
Sirius turned slightly, raising his eyebrow at the boy standing in the doorway. “Keep your knickers on, Everson. I’ll be done in a minute.” He shifted another bottle. “Ah, there you are. Well. This was lovely, Everson. Now, if you’d be so kind as to not block the exit, I could happily get out of your way.”
David Everson took a step into the store room, giving Sirius a Happy now? look.
“Thank you, good sir,” Sirius said, brushing past the Hufflepuff as he made to leave.
“Fucking fairy,” managed to reach his ears before he was out of earshot.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, turning on his heel, “what did you just say?”
Everson met his stony expression. “I think you heard what I said.”
“You’re right,” Sirius replied. And then he punched him.
“BLACK! EVERSON! GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS! AND YOU WILL BE REPORTING TO ME AFTER CLASS!”
“Bugger.”
xXxXx
“What’d you get?” Remus asked later, barely glancing up from his book as Sirius entered the dormitory.
“Two weeks’ detention,” Sirius answered, collapsing onto his bed. “Everson only got one week.”
“Yes, well, he wasn’t the one giving out rather remarkable black-eyes.”
“I was provoked!”
“Ah, provoked.” Remus set his book aside, sensing that he wasn’t going to be getting back to it for a while. “What did he say to set you off, eh?”
“Called me a fairy. A fucking fairy. Tell me, do fairies punch like that? I think not. Though I’ll admit, I really liked punching him. Everson’s a wanker, eh, Moony?”
Remus did not reply. Sirius glanced up and was surprised by the sober expression on his friend’s face.
“I think it’s best if we call this whole thing off,” Remus said, his tone flat. “This is ridiculous, you shouldn’t be having to put up with this for a stupid prank-“
“We’re not calling it off! If anything, it’s even more on.”
“What? Sirius, come on, this is madness. There’s no need to put yourself through this-“
“Look, we’re already this far in, d’you think I’m going to bail out now? This school’s got a lesson to learn, and that’s respect.”
The fierce expression on Sirius’s face did nothing for Remus’s apprehension. “You are mad. People aren’t going to learn respect by having to see you stick your tongue down my throat. No, this is something I’ve got to deal with on my own. I’m the one who’s gay, Sirius, not you.”
“I know that, you idiot, but do you honestly think I’m going to back out on a prank? Come now, Moony, you know me better than that.”
“I still fail to see how this is a prank. It’s a ridiculous prank, and one that I’m pulling the plug on. You’re dealing with unnecessary discrimination, and I won’t have it. You don’t deserve to be treated like that when I’m the one that’s messed up.”
“You are not messed up, and don’t ever let me hear you say that again, Remus John Lupin. And you think I haven’t dealt with discrimination before? Bloody hell, Remus, I hear worse stuff from my own mother! The only reason I haven’t punched her yet is because once I start I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. So quit trying to save me-I’m a big boy, I can handle it.”
“You shouldn’t have to handle it, Sirius! You’ve done nothing to earn it, so you don’t deserve their hatred!”
“And you do?”
“Yes!”
Sirius leapt up from his bed, letting out a growl that made Remus cringe. “Jesus bloody fuck, Moony. Just stop it. You don’t deserve anyone’s hatred, d’you hear me? You don’t deserve it, and you certainly don’t need to deal with it alone. Why do you think we became Animagi, Remus? So we could help you, so you wouldn’t have to be alone. So you’re not going to be alone in this either.”
“This is an entirely different situation-this isn’t something that you can just join me in. What-are you all going to become gay too?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Just-look. If I do this for one week and then go back to my normal, bird-snogging self, everyone will see that blokes snogging blokes is no big deal! It won’t have changed me or diseased me or anything, and then they’ll know that poofters are no different from the rest of us. You just like cocks over breasts is all.”
Remus fixed Sirius with a severe gaze. “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?”
Sirius hesitated, lowering his eyes. “Well, all right, there will be some wankers that’ll just keep being wankers.” He heaved a sigh and sank down onto Remus’s mattress. “Can’t please everybody, you know. But I think at least some people will change their minds. And I think that’s worth having to put up with a few derogatory comments. You’re my friend, Moony, and I just want to help. In whatever fucked up way I can.”
Fucked up is right, Remus thought. I can’t believe I’m letting him do this. “Thank you, Sirius,” he said quietly. “You shouldn’t be doing this and I shouldn’t be thanking you for doing this, but thanks all the same.”
Sirius gave him a lopsided grin. “You’re welcome.”
xXxXx
Two rather extraordinary things were being experienced by Peter that evening.
For one thing, he was in the Library. Alone. Peter never ventured into the Library alone, having only been in there with the Marauders when they were still working out the kinks in the Marauder’s Map and, on occasion, with Remus, who was usually the one to volunteer to help Peter study what they’d gone over in class that he hadn’t been able to understand on his own.
The second rather extraordinary thing was that he was plotting. Not being sent to the kitchens to fetch refreshments, not just contributing small details like what stench should Snape emit or which astonishingly messy food item should be used to fill the Slytherin common room, and not just being debriefed by James on what task he’ll be carrying out that, he knew, could be carried out by Sirius or Remus or James in their sleep. No, this time, he was the one doing it all.
And he hadn’t the faintest idea where to begin.
“Right, well,” he said to himself before opening Charms That Will Turn Your Enemy Green With Envy (And I Mean This Quite Literally) to a random page.
He read.
Hmm, he thought.
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
And the crack!fic is slowly coming to fruition. Oh my. It is going to be so much fun. I'm all twitchy with anticipation.
Onward to R/S shaggage ficage!
Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
It was clear as soon as they walked into the Potions classroom later that day that, supportive as James and various other Hogwarts students had been, not everyone was willing to wish the new “couple” well.
“I dunno, Moony,” Sirius muttered as he prodded the fire under his cauldron. “If I were actually dating you, I think I’d have to leave you just to keep that Daphne Caldwell from glaring at me every five seconds. She gives good glares, you know. I think my balls have run for cover.”
“If I were actually dating you, I’d be in our dormitory, hiding under my bed to save my poor ears from the death threats all the girls keep hissing at me every time I go to get some ingredients.” Remus shuddered. “It’s alarming how completely infatuated some of these girls are with you, you know.”
“Told you they’d be out to get you.”
“Yes, well.” Remus reached for his bottle of murtlap, uncorked it, and tipped it over his cauldron.
It took a moment for Remus to realize that nothing was coming out.
“Sirius,” he asked, as calmly as he could, “did you use the last of my essence of murtlap?”
“Hmmm? Oh, yes. I ran out last week. There should be more in the store room, no worries.”
“Fine then, you go get it.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you! If I pass by Loretta Waters again, I’m fairly certain she’ll hex me. Or just forget magic altogether and strangle me with her bare hands.”
“All right, you utter pansy, I’ll go get your sodding murtlap.”
“Aw, thank you, Siri darling.”
“Shut up.”
Sirius pointedly ignored Remus’s smirk and marched to the store room, making sure to give Loretta Waters a scalding glare on the way up. If he was going to play the role of “Moony’s boyfriend,” he was going to play it right.
“Essence of murtlap, essence of murtlap, sodding essence of bloody murtlap,” Sirius muttered as he deftly shifted the bottles around to read their labels.
“Are you quite finished with those, Black?” came a cold voice.
Sirius turned slightly, raising his eyebrow at the boy standing in the doorway. “Keep your knickers on, Everson. I’ll be done in a minute.” He shifted another bottle. “Ah, there you are. Well. This was lovely, Everson. Now, if you’d be so kind as to not block the exit, I could happily get out of your way.”
David Everson took a step into the store room, giving Sirius a Happy now? look.
“Thank you, good sir,” Sirius said, brushing past the Hufflepuff as he made to leave.
“Fucking fairy,” managed to reach his ears before he was out of earshot.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, turning on his heel, “what did you just say?”
Everson met his stony expression. “I think you heard what I said.”
“You’re right,” Sirius replied. And then he punched him.
“BLACK! EVERSON! GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS! AND YOU WILL BE REPORTING TO ME AFTER CLASS!”
“Bugger.”
xXxXx
“What’d you get?” Remus asked later, barely glancing up from his book as Sirius entered the dormitory.
“Two weeks’ detention,” Sirius answered, collapsing onto his bed. “Everson only got one week.”
“Yes, well, he wasn’t the one giving out rather remarkable black-eyes.”
“I was provoked!”
“Ah, provoked.” Remus set his book aside, sensing that he wasn’t going to be getting back to it for a while. “What did he say to set you off, eh?”
“Called me a fairy. A fucking fairy. Tell me, do fairies punch like that? I think not. Though I’ll admit, I really liked punching him. Everson’s a wanker, eh, Moony?”
Remus did not reply. Sirius glanced up and was surprised by the sober expression on his friend’s face.
“I think it’s best if we call this whole thing off,” Remus said, his tone flat. “This is ridiculous, you shouldn’t be having to put up with this for a stupid prank-“
“We’re not calling it off! If anything, it’s even more on.”
“What? Sirius, come on, this is madness. There’s no need to put yourself through this-“
“Look, we’re already this far in, d’you think I’m going to bail out now? This school’s got a lesson to learn, and that’s respect.”
The fierce expression on Sirius’s face did nothing for Remus’s apprehension. “You are mad. People aren’t going to learn respect by having to see you stick your tongue down my throat. No, this is something I’ve got to deal with on my own. I’m the one who’s gay, Sirius, not you.”
“I know that, you idiot, but do you honestly think I’m going to back out on a prank? Come now, Moony, you know me better than that.”
“I still fail to see how this is a prank. It’s a ridiculous prank, and one that I’m pulling the plug on. You’re dealing with unnecessary discrimination, and I won’t have it. You don’t deserve to be treated like that when I’m the one that’s messed up.”
“You are not messed up, and don’t ever let me hear you say that again, Remus John Lupin. And you think I haven’t dealt with discrimination before? Bloody hell, Remus, I hear worse stuff from my own mother! The only reason I haven’t punched her yet is because once I start I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. So quit trying to save me-I’m a big boy, I can handle it.”
“You shouldn’t have to handle it, Sirius! You’ve done nothing to earn it, so you don’t deserve their hatred!”
“And you do?”
“Yes!”
Sirius leapt up from his bed, letting out a growl that made Remus cringe. “Jesus bloody fuck, Moony. Just stop it. You don’t deserve anyone’s hatred, d’you hear me? You don’t deserve it, and you certainly don’t need to deal with it alone. Why do you think we became Animagi, Remus? So we could help you, so you wouldn’t have to be alone. So you’re not going to be alone in this either.”
“This is an entirely different situation-this isn’t something that you can just join me in. What-are you all going to become gay too?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Just-look. If I do this for one week and then go back to my normal, bird-snogging self, everyone will see that blokes snogging blokes is no big deal! It won’t have changed me or diseased me or anything, and then they’ll know that poofters are no different from the rest of us. You just like cocks over breasts is all.”
Remus fixed Sirius with a severe gaze. “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?”
Sirius hesitated, lowering his eyes. “Well, all right, there will be some wankers that’ll just keep being wankers.” He heaved a sigh and sank down onto Remus’s mattress. “Can’t please everybody, you know. But I think at least some people will change their minds. And I think that’s worth having to put up with a few derogatory comments. You’re my friend, Moony, and I just want to help. In whatever fucked up way I can.”
Fucked up is right, Remus thought. I can’t believe I’m letting him do this. “Thank you, Sirius,” he said quietly. “You shouldn’t be doing this and I shouldn’t be thanking you for doing this, but thanks all the same.”
Sirius gave him a lopsided grin. “You’re welcome.”
xXxXx
Two rather extraordinary things were being experienced by Peter that evening.
For one thing, he was in the Library. Alone. Peter never ventured into the Library alone, having only been in there with the Marauders when they were still working out the kinks in the Marauder’s Map and, on occasion, with Remus, who was usually the one to volunteer to help Peter study what they’d gone over in class that he hadn’t been able to understand on his own.
The second rather extraordinary thing was that he was plotting. Not being sent to the kitchens to fetch refreshments, not just contributing small details like what stench should Snape emit or which astonishingly messy food item should be used to fill the Slytherin common room, and not just being debriefed by James on what task he’ll be carrying out that, he knew, could be carried out by Sirius or Remus or James in their sleep. No, this time, he was the one doing it all.
And he hadn’t the faintest idea where to begin.
“Right, well,” he said to himself before opening Charms That Will Turn Your Enemy Green With Envy (And I Mean This Quite Literally) to a random page.
He read.
Hmm, he thought.
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change