The product of a last-minute scrapping and a few late nights (special thanks to my editor and baby!! *kisskiss*), here's the short story i had to turn in today : p *de-stresses
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A handful of small things to clean up:therealbenniFebruary 24 2004, 17:58:51 UTC
"...certainly sounds like a ghost?" Second sentence is a statement, not a question. ...Willow's pent house again, this evening. penthouse; lose the comma after "again" Before him four chunks of carved... comma after "him" Feb 13, 1982-? unclear - is the question mark carved on the tombstone, or is it a symbol of uncertainty in Rand's thought process? In-laid in the... inlaid ...few charitable chores? I'm beginning to think that these errant question marks may be some fault of the LJ client . . . Still, you'll probably want to edit this post for your LJ readers. The constant tick tick tick of... You'll either want to italicize "tick tick tick" or put it in quotes. "Oh wait til' you meet him!" Willow's voice exalted. comma after "Oh"; "'til" not "til'" ...trying to steal him away?" the odd question mark strikes again "No no, not that jerk... your high school flame sis." optional comma after the first "no"; comma after flame The lingering, storm clouds... kill the comma after "lingering" ...looking at him? well, she... There's another
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Other than fixing up the things I pointed out earlier, this is a great story . . . Just learn from this where and when to use commas (and the occasional dash) and you should be fine in the future! :-)
My favorite part is the rain dream sequence; I love how it's unannounced that it is a dream sequence in the beginning. Also, you know I love a good non-linear story! ;-) (And this is a good non-linear story, as it's not too difficult to follow.) There are a few ambiguities that make it quite interesting, as well.
In short: Syntax - needs a little work, but not awful Story - A+! :-D
Comments 2
...Willow's pent house again, this evening. penthouse; lose the comma after "again"
Before him four chunks of carved... comma after "him"
Feb 13, 1982-? unclear - is the question mark carved on the tombstone, or is it a symbol of uncertainty in Rand's thought process?
In-laid in the... inlaid
...few charitable chores? I'm beginning to think that these errant question marks may be some fault of the LJ client . . . Still, you'll probably want to edit this post for your LJ readers.
The constant tick tick tick of... You'll either want to italicize "tick tick tick" or put it in quotes.
"Oh wait til' you meet him!" Willow's voice exalted. comma after "Oh"; "'til" not "til'"
...trying to steal him away?" the odd question mark strikes again
"No no, not that jerk... your high school flame sis." optional comma after the first "no"; comma after flame
The lingering, storm clouds... kill the comma after "lingering"
...looking at him? well, she... There's another ( ... )
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My favorite part is the rain dream sequence; I love how it's unannounced that it is a dream sequence in the beginning. Also, you know I love a good non-linear story! ;-) (And this is a good non-linear story, as it's not too difficult to follow.) There are a few ambiguities that make it quite interesting, as well.
In short:
Syntax - needs a little work, but not awful
Story - A+! :-D
Reply
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