These are hilarious and oh so true!!!
o I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
o More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I
can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can
tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly
involves me.
o Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
o I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to
drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint
and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
o Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that
you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are
supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back
in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something
like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
o I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I
was younger.
o Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it
wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would
magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we
all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
o There is a great need for sarcasm font.
o Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger
and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I
first saw it.
o I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it
actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up
wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit
harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one
who really, really gets it.
o How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
o I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each
hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
o I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.
o The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying
to finish a text.
o A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to
the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
o Was learning cursive really necessary?
o Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing
else to say".
o I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom
and hunger.
o Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a
Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
o My younger brother's baseball team is named the
Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I
inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate
us." Classy, bro.
o Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street
smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
o How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
o MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
o Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
the person died.
o I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in
the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
o Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that
their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just
got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind
if I do!
o Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier
every year?
o If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their
offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
o Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has
to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so
incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this
shouldn't be a problem....
o You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
o Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I
don't want to have to restart my collection.
o There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you
are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
o I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it
asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that
I swear I did not make any changes to.
o I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they
judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'
o While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for
China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain
that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
o I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
o I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on
shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
o Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal
cruising speed for pedophiles...
o As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate
cyclists.
o Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.
o It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
o I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.
o I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a
kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem
from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
o Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on
the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...
o It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com
and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
o I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone
they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
o I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday
or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
o The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the
bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other
words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd
before dinner.