Cracked! chap 11: They Just Effed With the Wrong Jew
Title: Cracked
Fandom: Twilight
Genre: Humor/Satire/Drama
Rating: T
Main Pairing: Bella and Edward
LJ Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Also on ff.net
Summary: Welcome to an experiment in dark humor, with alternating emphasis on the "dark" and the "humor." To tell you the truth, I'm not sure where exactly this story is taking me; unlike my other stories, the whole thing isn't prewritten. Hopefully it's still fun, though. My thanks to Ms. Meyer, for creating such memorable characters and for not minding that we all play with them.
They Just Fucked With the Wrong Jew
Previously: Bella woke up and smelled whore perfume in her room. Seriously, Edward, take a bath.
“Bella, I want you to carry this.”
“Pepper spray?”
“Law enforcement grade pepper spray. That’s my own can. I know you think it’s lame and that you won’t need it, but it’ll make me feel better if you have it.”
“Don’t I need to have training to use this?”
“Well, you don’t have to, but I did, and so did all my guys. We can use it more effectively if we have experience with it.”
“Was the training mandatory?”
“…Yes.”
“So what you’re saying is, you want me to have this, but you’re not going to teach me the proper way to use it.”
“It’s not exactly complicated. Look, all you have to do is point this part at your attacker and press this button on the top.”
“Like this?”
“Christ, girl, don’t spray it right now!”
“Why not?”
“We’re inside the house! That stuff will get everywhere, and then we’ll both have reactions to it. It’s not for seasoning your scrambled eggs.”
“Okay, let’s take it outside this evening so I can practice.”
“If we do that, you won’t have enough left in your canister.”
“But you said experience breeds familiarity.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You meant it.”
“Whatever. Look, this shoots at a distance of-”
“I don’t want it.”
“Bella, please don’t argue with me. You might think it’s unnecessary, but-”
“But it’ll make you feel better, I know. The thing is, it’s kind of like giving me a rabbit’s foot for all the good it’ll do.”
“Ah, but a rabbit’s foot won’t scare anyone.”
“Neither will an itty bitty cylinder on my key chain. You need to rethink why you’re giving me this, Charlie. Either the goal is to intimidate the enemy, or to incapacitate him.”
“The enemy?”
“The attacker. The assailant. The creepy stalker. Whatever. If you’re giving me something to frighten an attacker away, then you need to give me something that’s not subtle. Like a machete.”
“That’s never going to happen. You’re not Danny Trejo*.”
“It’s a rhetorical example. As I was saying, intimidation only works if I pose an obvious threat, thereby making me a less desirable target. If you want me to incapacitate an attacker who is already coming at me, then you need to give me something I can actually use.”
“Like what?”
“Like your service weapon.”
“Jesus!”
“Let’s not bring him into it.”
“Bella, you’re seventeen; I am not giving you a gun, not even a small one. It’s illegal.”
“Technically, don’t I have to be eighteen to have the pepper spray?”
“No, you’re over fourteen and have my permission. But you have to be twenty-one to be licensed to carry a concealed handgun.”
“Okay, what else you got?”
“What?”
“I can’t carry a gun, and this pepper spray is useless. What else do you have in the proverbial black bag?”
“Bella, pepper spray isn’t useless.”
“Humor me.”
“You want to run down the list? Fine. Knives are effective, but you can’t carry one and it takes time and practice to learn knife-fighting anyway. Nunchuks and throwing stars-again, time and practice, not to mention a sensei. Brass knuckles are illegal. Harpoons are too big. Bow and arrow take too long to operate, they’re long-range only, and you can’t carry a quiver of arrows and a backpack. Napalm is easy to make, but it’s very illegal. Shall I go on, or are you getting the picture?”
“Dad, how do you know how to make napalm?”
“I’m not illiterate, Bella-I know things.”
“Yeah, but why…nevermind. None of that stuff would work anyway.”
“Work on who? What on earth do you think is going to attack you, a mutant bear? Goddamn SyFy channel.”
“No, Dad! I just mean…I could get carjacked or assaulted by a large group or something. What if some anti-Semites see me coming from Shabbat service, and I’m the victim of a hate crime?”
“You frighten me, child.”
“It’s a rough world we live in, Dad.”
“This is Forks, Bella.”
“Yeah, yeah, This-is-Forks-stuff-like-that-doesn’t-happen-here. Except that I won’t spend every second of every day in this town. I drive to Port Angeles once or twice a month, I’ve been meaning to check out the mall down in Aberdeen, and I’d like to visit Seattle in the near future. You get the picture.”
“Let it never be said that you didn’t learn some street smarts growing up in Phoenix. But I’m still not giving you a gun.”
“I’ve got an idea. What about a stun gun?”
“…”
“Dad?”
“The projectile kind, or the close-range-only kind?”
“Whatever’s legal in Washington.”
“It’s governed by municipality in Washington. You wouldn’t be able to carry one in certain cities.”
“Can I take one with me to Port Angeles?”
“As long as you don’t use it to commit a crime.”
“Seattle?”
“They don’t have any anti-Taser laws that I know of. But just in case, don’t take it with you onto school property, and definitely don’t carry it in a courthouse or a liquor store.”
“Seriously Dad, why would I be at a liquor store? Wait, is that a yes?”
“I have rules.”
“Yes! I mean, yes, rules, of course you do.”
“You’ve got to practice using it. I’ll find you a volunteer target. Either somebody who wants to get out of a felony, or maybe an animal scheduled for destruction.”
“Dad!”
“You’re the one who said the thing about experience and familiarity, Bella. It’s important that you have an understanding of what you have in your hands so that you’ll respect it and what it can do to people. It’s not nearly the same thing as giving someone sore eyes and a skin rash.”
“Got it, respect and practice. Anything else?”
“No showing it off to your friends. It is not a status symbol, nor is it a cool toy.”
“Understood.”
“You can’t have a projectile stunner-those don’t work if you don’t aim properly, and I imagine it’s been a long time since you’ve practiced shooting anything. Besides, they’re too bulky and cumbersome.”
“That’s fine. I’m probably too slow to spot an attacker until he’s almost on me anyway, the stealthy bastard.”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean, should I get the baton kind?”
“Lord, no. I’ll get you the kind that’s disguised as a cellular phone.”
“Excellent. Thank you, Daddy!”
“Yeah, well…keep it charged and take good care of it, because it’s going to take care of you.”
“Yes, Dad. Oh, and I have a few questions.”
“Such as?”
“It rains a lot here. Will I get electrocuted if I’m standing in a puddle or if the guy is wet?”
“Nope. It’s a localized effect. What else?”
“Will it kill a dog if I’m being chased by one?”
“Not a large dog, but don’t use it on little yappy dogs. You should know that this kind of Taser only works up close, so you’re better off using the pepper spray from a distance in that situation.”
“Noted. How many volts can I get?”
“Pardon?”
“Is there a legal limit on voltage?”
“No, why do you ask?”
“I just figure if I get stopped or something, and I’m not in Forks, a cop will let me slide if I’m inside the legal limits on voltage.”
“Again I say: you frighten me.”
“Well I don’t want to kill anybody with it!”
“That won’t happen unless you stun someone with a preexisting medical condition or certain drugs in their system.”
“Really? Even if I use a million volts?”
“Even if it has several million volts. You know why stun guns are considered ‘less lethal’ weapons?”
“Why?”
“Because voltage doesn’t kill a man, amperage does.”
“Oh, really?”
“Stun guns are designed to disrupt the nervous system and incapacitate an attacker long enough for you to get away or cuff the bastard. Higher voltage just means it works faster to achieve the same effect, but the amperage on these things is much too low to kill a human being. You’d need one full amp of power, and stunners only have one to three milliamps. That’s also why you won’t get shocked if your attacker is touching you.”
“One full amp, you say. How do you know so much about this stuff?”
“Tried to convince the mayor they’d be a good investment for the department. ‘Fred’ I told him, ‘we have to stop the assailant either way. The conditions under which we’re allowed to fire a Taser are no less stringent than those that govern firing our duty weapons. The difference is that with a Taser, there’s a better chance of a prosecution, while with a gun, there’s a greater likelihood of a funeral.’”
“And he turned your proposal down?”
“Yep.”
“What an idiot.”
“That’s exactly what I said. That’s why I didn’t get a raise that year.”
“So when do I get one?”
“A raise?”
“Dad.”
“I’ve got a catalog in my office. I’ll place the order during their business hours.”
“Good. The sooner, the better.”
“Bella, is something wrong?”
“No, why?”
“Don’t ‘why’ me, young lady. Yesterday you chewed out a boy who’s been flirting with you for two months, and today you came down the stairs asking if you could babysit a police dog. You don’t even like dogs.”
“I like Izzy; she’s sweet. And I thought Mark might want to go visit his family or something. I know you gave him this weekend off. Wait, did he get a girlfriend?”
“Don’t try to sidetrack me. Why are you so anxious to get your hands on a stunner?”
“You’re the one who approached me with a bottle of pepper spray that can only be used outdoors.”
“Has someone been following you around?”
“No.”
“Because I can think of at least ten different grounds to arrest somebody without needing a warrant, and none of them have to lead back to you.”
“No. I just figure since you’re all worried, maybe I should be, too.”
“I wasn’t trying to worry you.”
“It’s okay, Dad. Just…I’m planning to go to Port Angeles again soon for Purim.”
“I wish you’d just go to the Spring dance instead.”
“Dad. I already told you-”
“I know, I know, cultural heritage, unity, your favorite holiday. I’ll pay for priority shipping so that you get the stunner before then.”
“Thank you. I feel better.”
“Well that makes one of us. On the whole, I think I would have felt better if you’d just taken the pepper spray, especially if you’re expecting a gang.”
“Right up until a cluster of crackheads laughs at me and keeps coming because they can’t feel the peppery pain.”
“Bella. We do not. Live. In a ghetto.”
“Love you, Dad. Now go on, or we’ll both be late today.”
“Thanks. Just…do me a favor and keep the pepper spray handy until the stunner comes in.”
“Will do. Bye Charlie.”
Beep-beep-beep…beep-beep…beep…beep!
Ring…ring…
“Hello?”
“Hi, is Eric there?”
“This is Eric. Who’s calling?”
“It’s Bella. Bella Swan.”
“Bella? Um, hi. Are you okay?”
“Of course I am.”
“You sound...you don’t sound too happy.”
“I have a favor to ask, if it’s not too much trouble.”
“Uh, sure. Do you need a ride to school or something?”
“You said the other day that you built your own computer from scratch, right?”
“Yeah, and my mom’s, too. Me and Radio Shack are like this. Why, do you need some tech support?”
“Not exactly. I was just wondering…do you know how to manipulate the electrical components of other stuff, too?”
*********
*Danny Trejo is the star of the Robert Rodriguez film Machete. Its tagline is “They just fucked with the wrong Mexican,” hence the title.