First Love, Chapter 2
Chapter 2
The floor wasn’t very comfortable. Eventually, Luke realized this. A little while later, he cared enough to move.
Reid is in the building. He’s here. And he was in l…. No, Luke wasn’t ready to go there yet. The human brain could handle only so much. Luke made himself smile a bit with that one. See? I’m not broken. And I can fix this. I can try.
Luke knew he could never be with Reid. Knew that chance was gone. (And to think there’d been a real chance! Stop…no more tears.) So maybe the fantasy wouldn’t play out in its entirety. But the first part - the part where Luke tries to make things right, tries to make Reid understand the enormity of Luke’s lunacy, tries for some sort of closure - that was still possible.
Now stop being a drama queen and go wash your face.
__________________________________________________
His senses were alert. No more brain fog. No more out-of-body experiences. Luke was on a mission. He moved through the lobby with purpose, his mental antennae searching for signs of Reid. Luke was determined not to let this opportunity get away, no matter how icy the reception. And, oh, he expected it to be icy (mental ice skates? check). Tears only as last resort, he thought with a rueful smile.
His spirits dipped a bit when he saw that the ballroom had cleared. I must have been upstairs wallowing in self-pity longer than I thought. He swallowed the rising panic and looked around. He took stock - hotel bar, two hotel restaurants, ask the concierge where conference-goers like to drink…. Should all else fail (wander lower Manhattan calling his name) find a way for the Lakeview to ask this hotel for his room number. Camp outside his door.
Luke was ready.
Except that he wasn’t - when he rounded the corner toward the hotel bar and practically tripped over Reid sitting in an armchair in a small cluster of armchairs by the wall of phones. Reid was making notes on a short stack of papers and had journals and flyers spread out on the table in front of him. He was still wearing his badge, hanging from a chain around his neck. He looked beautiful. Foreboding.
Not ready, not yet.
Luke wished he could just look at him - observe him in his natural habitat. Soak him in after three long (long) years.
He should have known that wouldn’t be an option.
“Hello, Luke.” Reid hadn’t looked up.
That voice. Luke was momentarily stunned by it. Let it wash over him, resonate over and over. Shit, no, down boy. He shifted slightly.
“Hi.” Good grief, was that his voice? Man up. “May I join you?” There, that sounded somewhat confident.
Reid distractedly motioned toward one of the other chairs, all of which were empty. He still hadn’t looked at Luke.
Luke sat and steeled himself for battle. “So…how’s the conference?”
“Crowded.”
Silence. Luke tried again, “When does it end?”
“Friday.” Reid continued to mark up the papers.
OK, maybe I should just get to it. “It’s good to see you.”
Luke got a look at that, a brief you’re-kidding-right? But it was gone too soon for Luke’s taste. He wasn’t comfortable with this new version of Reid, one that didn’t engage in the usual ways. I never thought I’d miss his sarcasm (liar). It was as if Reid didn’t even care enough to get annoyed. Even the way he’d said Luke’s name had been flat. Luke’s resolve faltered. He’d been prepared for Reid’s defense mechanisms. How do I handle indifference? He ignored the rising wave of despair. Regardless of which Reid he had in front of him, he would see this through.
“I was an idiot.”
Finally, his attention. Reid looked up slowly, put down his pen. “Go on.”
So he wants a hair shirt? I can do that. Been doing that for three years. “I just wanted to say…I mean, I wanted you to know….” Breathe. “I never should have left you.” Too presumptuous. “I never should have ended things. Not that there was anything to end.”
Reid just looked at him, that steady measured gaze. Keep going. Go until you break through. You have to break through.
“I mean, I wanted there to be something. With you. I’ve regretted my decision every day for three years.” Every. Day. “If only you had called….” No! What are you doing? “No - it was my fault. Everything was my fault.” Crap, did my voice just break? “I was weak and afraid. Afraid of what you made me feel.”
There. That was everything. (Not quite.) The release Luke felt was like a physical thing, like the Earth’s gravitational force had just become measurably weaker (see, Reid? I’ve started thinking like a nerd to feel closer to you). It almost didn’t matter what Reid’s response was. But of course it did. Luke had a flash of memory, of Reid’s accusing him of wanting a Father Confessor. It was nothing like that, couldn’t he see?
Luke studied Reid’s expression, if you could call it that. Luke couldn’t find any ice. So there was no thawing. Only a blankness becoming…slightly less blank? Or was that wishful thinking? Say something, please.
Reid swallowed. (I’ve been reduced to looking for meaning in a swallow.) The corner of his mouth lifted ever so slightly. (Better…better) “I appreciate the thought, Luke, but I really didn’t need you to say any of that.”
What? Luke struggled to decipher Reid’s meaning. Reid just waited, brow lifted, for Luke to catch up.
“Wait,” No! “Do you think…I said all that because of what Alex said?” Luke was horrified. Once again, the fantasy was taking an unpleasant detour. “Reid, seriously, I’ve been wanting to say that to you since the day you left. I have a hundred versions of phone call scripts written out, a hundred emails. Once a week (day) I google you to make sure that I know where you are so that I can call you (fly out to you) if I ever get up the nerve."
Luke moved to the edge of his chair. "Reid, please, please don’t think I said any of this just because your boyfriend wanted to mess with you.”
Reid had retreated to blankness during Luke’s outburst, but at the end his expression shifted to, what? Slightly wry? At least he was finally looking at Luke. A bit like a shark would, but still, Luke figured that was some sort of progress.
Don’t say anything more, Luke. You’ve embarrassed yourself enough for one trip. “So? Do you believe me?” Sigh.
“I was just wondering what Alex’s wife would think of our being boyfriends.”
Wha? Luke had forgotten what it was like to be constantly off-guard around Reid. “You’re not…?”
“Seems your gaydar is still a bit off.”
Ouch, that hurt a bit. And Reid doesn’t look entirely comfortable having said it. Good - lash out, Reid. I need you to care.
And I need to shove my hopes back down.
“Well, about that…what he said….” Luke took a deep breath. “I had no idea.” He looked down, felt his lips tug into a sad little smile. “And I doubt you wanted me to know.”
Reid stared at him, hard. Until Luke met his gaze.
“What part of giving up my dream job for you did you not get?”
Oh. Ohh. I am a stupid little shit. A stupid, stupid…. Once again, Luke was mortified to feel the tears form.
What have I done?
Reid sighed. “Luke, come on, listen…it’s not all on you.” Dimly, Luke noticed that he looked tired. “I know that I could have….” Reid paused, as if unfamiliar with this part.
Fix-it Luke, nurturer Luke took over. “No, it’s OK. I’m just…I’m still ashamed by how I handled that.” The memory still burned. He could still smell the scorched flesh. “I mean, who did I think I was…what on Earth was I thinking, expecting you to….”
Reid started to say something, but Luke cut him off. “No, please, Reid, I’m just glad I had this chance to clear the air. To let you know that, well, that I was wrong (about everything). And now I can also tell you how deeply, deeply sorry I am for any hurt I may have caused you. If it’s any consolation, I was miserable with…I’ve been miserable without you.”
Luke looked at Reid intently, willing him to believe, to understand. Half a dozen heartbeats later, Reid shared Luke’s crooked smile - fleetingly, but it was there.
It’s going to be OK.
It was over. I can rebuild my life now. I can move on (liar). I can make a start. And, with any luck, Reid won’t hate me every time he thinks of me. Though Luke knew it wouldn’t be Reid’s hate that would plague his nightmares now, but his indifference.
Reid stood, collected his papers, stuffed them into the conference bag. Luke finally saw the name: American Society for Stereotactic and Functional Neurosurgery.
He’s brilliant. I’m nothing.
Luke took the cue, stood up. Waving a little, he gave Reid the warmest smile he could muster.
Reid nodded and turned to leave. He stopped, briefly, his back to Luke. Reid turned his head but didn’t meet Luke’s eyes.
“Room nine twenty-six.” And then he was gone.
The floor wasn’t very comfortable. Eventually, Luke realized this. A little while later, he cared enough to move.
Reid is in the building. He’s here. And he was in l…. No, Luke wasn’t ready to go there yet. The human brain could handle only so much. Luke made himself smile a bit with that one. See? I’m not broken. And I can fix this. I can try.
Luke knew he could never be with Reid. Knew that chance was gone. (And to think there’d been a real chance! Stop…no more tears.) So maybe the fantasy wouldn’t play out in its entirety. But the first part - the part where Luke tries to make things right, tries to make Reid understand the enormity of Luke’s lunacy, tries for some sort of closure - that was still possible.
Now stop being a drama queen and go wash your face.
__________________________________________________
His senses were alert. No more brain fog. No more out-of-body experiences. Luke was on a mission. He moved through the lobby with purpose, his mental antennae searching for signs of Reid. Luke was determined not to let this opportunity get away, no matter how icy the reception. And, oh, he expected it to be icy (mental ice skates? check). Tears only as last resort, he thought with a rueful smile.
His spirits dipped a bit when he saw that the ballroom had cleared. I must have been upstairs wallowing in self-pity longer than I thought. He swallowed the rising panic and looked around. He took stock - hotel bar, two hotel restaurants, ask the concierge where conference-goers like to drink…. Should all else fail (wander lower Manhattan calling his name) find a way for the Lakeview to ask this hotel for his room number. Camp outside his door.
Luke was ready.
Except that he wasn’t - when he rounded the corner toward the hotel bar and practically tripped over Reid sitting in an armchair in a small cluster of armchairs by the wall of phones. Reid was making notes on a short stack of papers and had journals and flyers spread out on the table in front of him. He was still wearing his badge, hanging from a chain around his neck. He looked beautiful. Foreboding.
Not ready, not yet.
Luke wished he could just look at him - observe him in his natural habitat. Soak him in after three long (long) years.
He should have known that wouldn’t be an option.
“Hello, Luke.” Reid hadn’t looked up.
That voice. Luke was momentarily stunned by it. Let it wash over him, resonate over and over. Shit, no, down boy. He shifted slightly.
“Hi.” Good grief, was that his voice? Man up. “May I join you?” There, that sounded somewhat confident.
Reid distractedly motioned toward one of the other chairs, all of which were empty. He still hadn’t looked at Luke.
Luke sat and steeled himself for battle. “So…how’s the conference?”
“Crowded.”
Silence. Luke tried again, “When does it end?”
“Friday.” Reid continued to mark up the papers.
OK, maybe I should just get to it. “It’s good to see you.”
Luke got a look at that, a brief you’re-kidding-right? But it was gone too soon for Luke’s taste. He wasn’t comfortable with this new version of Reid, one that didn’t engage in the usual ways. I never thought I’d miss his sarcasm (liar). It was as if Reid didn’t even care enough to get annoyed. Even the way he’d said Luke’s name had been flat. Luke’s resolve faltered. He’d been prepared for Reid’s defense mechanisms. How do I handle indifference? He ignored the rising wave of despair. Regardless of which Reid he had in front of him, he would see this through.
“I was an idiot.”
Finally, his attention. Reid looked up slowly, put down his pen. “Go on.”
So he wants a hair shirt? I can do that. Been doing that for three years. “I just wanted to say…I mean, I wanted you to know….” Breathe. “I never should have left you.” Too presumptuous. “I never should have ended things. Not that there was anything to end.”
Reid just looked at him, that steady measured gaze. Keep going. Go until you break through. You have to break through.
“I mean, I wanted there to be something. With you. I’ve regretted my decision every day for three years.” Every. Day. “If only you had called….” No! What are you doing? “No - it was my fault. Everything was my fault.” Crap, did my voice just break? “I was weak and afraid. Afraid of what you made me feel.”
There. That was everything. (Not quite.) The release Luke felt was like a physical thing, like the Earth’s gravitational force had just become measurably weaker (see, Reid? I’ve started thinking like a nerd to feel closer to you). It almost didn’t matter what Reid’s response was. But of course it did. Luke had a flash of memory, of Reid’s accusing him of wanting a Father Confessor. It was nothing like that, couldn’t he see?
Luke studied Reid’s expression, if you could call it that. Luke couldn’t find any ice. So there was no thawing. Only a blankness becoming…slightly less blank? Or was that wishful thinking? Say something, please.
Reid swallowed. (I’ve been reduced to looking for meaning in a swallow.) The corner of his mouth lifted ever so slightly. (Better…better) “I appreciate the thought, Luke, but I really didn’t need you to say any of that.”
What? Luke struggled to decipher Reid’s meaning. Reid just waited, brow lifted, for Luke to catch up.
“Wait,” No! “Do you think…I said all that because of what Alex said?” Luke was horrified. Once again, the fantasy was taking an unpleasant detour. “Reid, seriously, I’ve been wanting to say that to you since the day you left. I have a hundred versions of phone call scripts written out, a hundred emails. Once a week (day) I google you to make sure that I know where you are so that I can call you (fly out to you) if I ever get up the nerve."
Luke moved to the edge of his chair. "Reid, please, please don’t think I said any of this just because your boyfriend wanted to mess with you.”
Reid had retreated to blankness during Luke’s outburst, but at the end his expression shifted to, what? Slightly wry? At least he was finally looking at Luke. A bit like a shark would, but still, Luke figured that was some sort of progress.
Don’t say anything more, Luke. You’ve embarrassed yourself enough for one trip. “So? Do you believe me?” Sigh.
“I was just wondering what Alex’s wife would think of our being boyfriends.”
Wha? Luke had forgotten what it was like to be constantly off-guard around Reid. “You’re not…?”
“Seems your gaydar is still a bit off.”
Ouch, that hurt a bit. And Reid doesn’t look entirely comfortable having said it. Good - lash out, Reid. I need you to care.
And I need to shove my hopes back down.
“Well, about that…what he said….” Luke took a deep breath. “I had no idea.” He looked down, felt his lips tug into a sad little smile. “And I doubt you wanted me to know.”
Reid stared at him, hard. Until Luke met his gaze.
“What part of giving up my dream job for you did you not get?”
Oh. Ohh. I am a stupid little shit. A stupid, stupid…. Once again, Luke was mortified to feel the tears form.
What have I done?
Reid sighed. “Luke, come on, listen…it’s not all on you.” Dimly, Luke noticed that he looked tired. “I know that I could have….” Reid paused, as if unfamiliar with this part.
Fix-it Luke, nurturer Luke took over. “No, it’s OK. I’m just…I’m still ashamed by how I handled that.” The memory still burned. He could still smell the scorched flesh. “I mean, who did I think I was…what on Earth was I thinking, expecting you to….”
Reid started to say something, but Luke cut him off. “No, please, Reid, I’m just glad I had this chance to clear the air. To let you know that, well, that I was wrong (about everything). And now I can also tell you how deeply, deeply sorry I am for any hurt I may have caused you. If it’s any consolation, I was miserable with…I’ve been miserable without you.”
Luke looked at Reid intently, willing him to believe, to understand. Half a dozen heartbeats later, Reid shared Luke’s crooked smile - fleetingly, but it was there.
It’s going to be OK.
It was over. I can rebuild my life now. I can move on (liar). I can make a start. And, with any luck, Reid won’t hate me every time he thinks of me. Though Luke knew it wouldn’t be Reid’s hate that would plague his nightmares now, but his indifference.
Reid stood, collected his papers, stuffed them into the conference bag. Luke finally saw the name: American Society for Stereotactic and Functional Neurosurgery.
He’s brilliant. I’m nothing.
Luke took the cue, stood up. Waving a little, he gave Reid the warmest smile he could muster.
Reid nodded and turned to leave. He stopped, briefly, his back to Luke. Reid turned his head but didn’t meet Luke’s eyes.
“Room nine twenty-six.” And then he was gone.