[Fanfic] Remember [Chapter 14]
Title: Remember [Chapter 14]
Rating: T
Fandom: Eyeshield 21/CLAMP (Crossover)
Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters used here. They belong to their respective owners, namely Riichiro Inagaki and Yuusuke Murata for Eyeshield 21 and CLAMP.
Summary: In a volatile world where even his black book holds no power, Hiruma must help Mamori fight and recover her lost memories before he loses her forever. AU. Crossover. HiruMamo.
Notes: As promised, this chapter came out a lot faster than expected! But I have YOU, yes, YOU reading this right now to thank for making this possible. The amount of support in the form of favourites, hits and reviews this fic has been getting has been so encouraging, it made me write almost 10,000 words for this fic. Seriously, it's people like you that keep me writing! Thank you so so much!
I really wanted this chapter and the next one to be one whole chapter though, but after writing it all out and looking at how much had happened, this chapter is split into two as there's just too much happening for me to put it in all at once. So no, this fic will not end on Chapter 15. It will end on Chapter 16... or so I think. At this point, you're better off not trusting me with this, and err... be happy there's more to look forward to? XD I should warn you for now that this chapter and the next is going to be pretty heavy.
So much love to moodylollipop who helped me out so much with this chapter, and is doing her best to work some issues out with me on the next chapter. That should be out next week if all goes well. Look out for it.
Until then, thank you for your continuous support!
~*~
The world breaking around her was beyond Mamori's control. There was too much pain, too much sadness, too much anger. This world, this entire setup, the loss of her memories had gone on for far too long... and it had come at the price of the one she loved dearly. She wanted it all gone, she wanted it all destroyed until nothing but the truth was left.
She continued to scream, feeling a part of her breaking with the world around her. She could feel a part of her changing, feeling the ends of her hair brush her shoulders and arms.
Gasping to breathe from all the screaming, she ran her fingers through her hair. It had grown long, and even without a mirror before her she knew she had gained the looks and stature of her older self.
She had finally returned to who she was meant to be.
Despite how much she wanted the world around her to disappear; the classroom remained. Outside the window was nothing but stark whiteness which seeped into the classroom, giving the scene a monochrome look of black and white. Mamori picked up her sword, knowing that the truth was hiding within the dark shadows, refusing to come out.
"Stop hiding from me!" Mamori cried out, her voice hoarse from the screaming. "I know you're there! Are you the reason why I'm like this?"
Soft laughter filled the room, mocking Mamori. "You didn't have to kill him!" she cried some more, looking around the classroom, desperate for a clue as to who this mystery person was. "He couldn't harm anyone in this world! There's no reason to kill him!"
Mamori felt the air around her shift, and she knew then something was coming. She turned in that direction and saw the other figure, sweeping towards her with its sword by its side.
Mamori raised hers to block the attack immediately, and then took a good look at the person that had taken Hiruma away from her.
It was her, or what Mamori deemed as nothing more than a shadow of her. With eyes many shades darker and a piercing gaze that caused cold fear to run through Mamori’s body as she saw in those eyes a reflection of everything she ever feared. She pushed herself back with her sword, gasping in uncertainty at her darker self.
This shadow had also gained her older appearances now; her hair had grown longer than when she’d seen her in that brief moment before. She continued to smirk as she lowered her sword to take a good look at Mamori. "No reason to kill him?" she said, amused at Mamori's sudden fear and uncertainty. "Well, isn't that silly... he wasn't going to last anyway."
Mamori's shadow self moved forward again, this time she slashed down at Mamori a couple of times, unrelenting. Mamori blocked each one of them, taking more steps back. She knew she should return the attack somehow, but this shadow's existence confused her.
Should she really try to kill it? Would that harm her instead? Would that solve everything? Mamori gritted her teeth as she planted her feet and exerted more strength into blocking the shadow's attack and pushing it away from herself instead. "What do you mean he wouldn't last?" said Mamori as she readied her stance for another attack. "What did you do to him?"
Her shadow-self laughed. It was a cold and cruel laughter that made Mamori's heart sink.
Something was wrong, and her ignorance wasn’t helping her cause. "You humans are all the same," her shadow self said as she lifted her sword. Then she rushed towards Mamori, faster than before and slashed at Mamori repeatedly. Mamori did her best to block them all as the shadow continued, "You're always blaming ME for the situation that you're in! Stop and think for a moment! Whose fault is it really?"
The shadow changed her pattern of attack and swung from the side. While Mamori saw it coming, her parry wasn’t as quick as it should be and she felt the blade glance her hip. With a sharp hiss of pain, she pushed the shadow's sword away and began her own attack on the shadow, which blocked them all with ease. "You still don't know, do you?" the shadow spoke up as Mamori struggled to land at least one blow on her. "Since you want to remember everything so much, how about I show you..."
As Mamori swung her sword downwards, a sudden flash of white light filled her vision and she gasped as she squeezed her eyes shut. In a brief second she saw herself in the hallway of the apartment she lived in, holding on to a phone nervously. "Pick up... pick up..." she heard herself say as the ringing continued. Then she let out an exasperated sigh as she put down the phone. She felt herself slump on the couch, gazing into a white ceiling and feeling a sharp pain in her chest.
Why can't I reach you?
The feeling of the air shifting jolted Mamori out of her short flashback as she quickly blocked her shadow's attack. The memory lingered in Mamori's mind causing her head to throb. "W-what was that?" She whispered as her shadow succeeded in landing another blow, on her arm this time, causing Mamori to lose her balance and fall to her knees.
Her shadow pointed her sword towards Mamori and grinned. "That's just a taste of everything you feared. Are you sure you want to remember it all? The pain will be worst than anything you've ever imagined..."
Mamori gritted her teeth and, using her sword as a crutch, got up and began attacking her shadow once more. The shadow deflected her blows with ease as Mamori struggled to keep herself together. "Still not convinced?” her shadow laughed, amused at Mamori’s feeble attempts to fight. "Here, why don't I show you something that will make you stop this meaningless struggle against me...?"
No matter how much she tried to steel herself for whatever could come next, Mamori felt her heart stop the moment the flash of light appeared and she heard the words of a young child shouting at her...
"I HATE YOU!"
The image of the child was blurry to Mamori, but the words stung deep within her, causing her to freeze as more words poured out of the child.
"You don't know anything about what I'm going through! You never had to experience what I'm going through! You're a liar, sensei! Stop trying to understand me!"
This time, even though she knew her shadow was about to attack her, Mamori stayed motionless, unable to lift even a finger. So she felt the sharp, piercing blade cut through her shoulder, and though she stumbled, she felt her shadow’s cold barely-there arm around her waist, supporting her and drawing her closer to itself. "That's right..." her shadow cackled as she brought her face down seductively towards Mamori’s. "That feeling right there is the reason why you're in this place, why you lost your precious person, why you wanted so badly to disappear... do you remember it now?"
Mamori felt numb, unable to answer, unable to feel the pain or even the hot tears pouring down her face. The memory of the child and what had brought her here was still vague, but the feelings that came with it... the feelings of despair and pain filled her... and despite how much she tried to fight it, how much Hiruma had warned her against it, and the cries of her loved ones calling her to come back echoed in a distance, her feelings were drowning her.
She shouldn't be alive. The shadows should have taken her. This fight was futile. "That's right... remember that feeling, the reason why you're here to begin with... stop blaming me, stop blaming anyone. This is yours and yours alone..."
Mamori felt all energy drain from her. Everything around her turned darker... all that strength, all that hope, all that belief she’d built up... gone in a flash. Mamori couldn't even hold on to the memories that made her happy... she was left open, vulnerable...
Broken...
Her shadow placed a hand on Mamori's chest and she felt a burning sensation sear through her. "No one's protecting you now, girlie... you’ve lost!"
Mamori shut her eyes tight to shut out the pain and the shadow’s terrible words, but against anything she could have imagined, the shadow's hand slid into her chest, as if she were insubstantial, and was now pulling something out of her. Mamori screamed at the sensation. It felt like half of her soul was being torn out and more flashes of memories filled her mind. The pain was unbearable; the desire to fall into the shadows grew stronger...
And then she did fall, crashing to the ground like a discarded doll. And slowly she could see the shadows creep around her, ready to take her back...
To where she belonged.
Mamori gasped, desperate to hold on to even the sensation of her tears, her pain... anything to at least keep her in this world for a little longer. This didn't make sense... after taking something from within her the shadow had lost interest in her. What was going on?
Mamori turned her head to see where her shadow had gone and tried to make sense of the scene before her through her blurry vision.
A child with long black hair held back with a large red bow on her head had her neck gripped by Mamori’s shadow, her body dangling in the air. The child was still for a moment, then she began to swing her feet, opened her mouth slowly and cried, "Sensei!"
Mamori gasped, the child's voice ringing through her ears. It's her! The child she saw at the park with the Sakura trees, who cried out to her in the burning room, the one who had shouted at her just moments ago, crying out how much she hated her. "Maasa... chan?"
"S-sensei...!" Maasa began to cry, though she was so weak, she could not raise her arms. Instead, she focused on calling out to Mamori. "Don't listen to her sensei! I know I did this to you but you have to fight back!"
"Are you seriously trying to save her after what you did, little girl?" Mamori's shadow laughed as she pinned Maasa to the wall and allowed the shadows to take hold of her, tendrils of darkness inching over her body, swallowing her. "Have you forgotten you're the reason she's here in the first place?"
"Sensei, you don't deserve this!" Maasa cried, though her voice grew weaker. "I do! This is what I should go through... but sensei... you... you're so loved... you shouldn't..."
The shadow laughed, her voice growing deeper and cruel. "Your sensei is here because of you! She was here, desperate to show you that you can be loved, but instead, you showed her the path of loneliness, of despair! You're both trapped here now, you'll both fall into the shadows where you belong! Isn't this what you wanted, girl? To forget everything, all your pain, your sorrow!"
Mamori couldn't believe what she was hearing. So the reason why she had to go through all this pain, all this sadness... even having to witness the person she loved die... was because of her student?
The shadow sensed her feelings and turned to Mamori, and as it smiled, its face gave way to the monster that it truly was. "Yes, that's right..." it said, slowly walking towards Mamori. "This little girl you cared for so much brought you here! Brought you all this pain and sadness! This is why you wanted to forget, this is why you joined her in the world of darkness, where everything you've seen and known would sink into nothingness! So you might as well join her, for there's nothing else to live for. It's all over. It's all over!"
"Noooo!" Maasa tried to move, to pull herself away. "Sensei, it's not true! I saw it, sensei! I saw hope!"
The shadow quickly turned towards Maasa and laughed cruelly as the shadows continued to devour her. Mamori lay on the floor, sinking in to the shadows as well... but the more she heard Maasa screaming, the more her memories became clear to her...
"Maasa-chan's parents are going through a divorce. It's pretty bad... both of her parents don't really want her. There's talk she'll be sent away to a boarding school next year once she graduates from Kindergarten."
"That's terrible... I'll go talk to her parents! There’s got to be some way we can help out!"
"Anezaki-sensei, as much as I understand your concern, we've been told to stay out of it. If Maasa-chan wants to be alone... then we should let her…"
"No..." Mamori whispered, watching the struggling child. "No, that's not right... Maasa-chan..."
Memories of herself sitting alone on her bed began to haunt her. Mamori remembered now, she was crying, her phone that she’d thrown across the room lay on the floor, broken. "Youichi, you liar!" she cried out at the time, although she knew it wasn't his fault. It was nobody else's fault. It was her own, for holing herself up like this, for being unable to reach out. She remembered the dull, heavy ache in her heart as she whispered the words, "Maybe I shouldn’t be holding you back any longer…" through her sobs.
"That's right..." Mamori murmured, finally regaining some of her strength as everything slowly became clear to her. "That's why I reached out to you, Maasa-chan..." Mamori pulled her right arm out off the shadows. "I knew how you felt, I knew... how when you're sad and alone, it feels as if nobody can save you, nobody can understand you... And that's why I did my best to reach out to you... and I followed you here..."
Mamori stretched out her arm towards Maasa, who cried upon hearing Mamori's words. Mamori, despite the pain and sorrow eating her, smiled. "I saw a small part of myself in you... even though I knew I couldn’t understand your pain fully, but I wanted so desperately to let you know…
That you weren’t alone."
The sound of something clattering distracted Mamori. It slid towards her, within arm's reach, and for a moment she saw the silhouette of a familiar woman, whom she recognised as the one who had aided her when this world was initially created. But Mamori wasn't confused or lost anymore. She looked at the item and knew what to do.
Everything's going to be all right, Youichi...
The shadow saw this and rushed towards her as quickly as possible. But Mamori grabbed the gun from the floor and shot the shadow rapidly until it disappeared, screaming. "YOU WON'T ESCAPE! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE!"
Mamori raised her head to look at the shadows surrounding her, still holding her down and shot at them, loosening their grip until she was finally able to stand. The shadow screamed in anger, "You DARE to keep defying your fate!"
"You know nothing about my fate!" Mamori cried out as she put the gun down, back on the floor, and picked up her sword. "You're nothing but a dark creature feeding off my fear, my pain! You blame Maasa-chan for this situation when this is also partly my fault!"
"That girl deserves to disappear! To be forgotten! Even she knows it; this is the path she chose!"
"No! You didn't give her a choice! You made her believe this was the only choice! I know there are other options before us, and she's seen it with her own eyes! You cannot control us now!"
"You fool!" It regained its form before her eyes, a macabre mixture of her own features and the monster of darkness. Sword in hand, it rushed towards her and the sharp clink and screech of steel against steel filled the air. "You're choosing a path of pain! You will bear a burden that will crush you! You're better off forgetting... you are too weak!"
Mamori blocked each one of its blows, new found strength growing within her. "Yes, I'm weak. There will be times when the pain will make me forget everything that's important to me, and I may fall into this darkness once again... but everything I went through here, in this world has taught me one thing..."
Memories of her mother, her best friends, the Devil Bats, Sena... Youichi... filled her mind, firming her resolve.
"That I am not alone! That I am alive and that as long as I have the people I love with me, I can face anything!" Mamori finally took on an offensive stance and swung her sword repeatedly at the shadow. The tables were turned now; the shadow seemed to have lost its own strength and did its best to defend itself.
But in its confusion, Mamori saw an opening and quickly stabbed the shadow right through where its heart should be. There was a scream of agony and Mamori closed her eyes as flashes of light broke through. The scene slowly settled, and Mamori peered through to see the shadow had discarded its monstrous looks and regained Mamori’s features instead. She looked calm with Mamori's sword still pierced through her. And then the shadow looked at her sadly, "You've chosen a path that is filled with pain. You will have moments where you will dream of nothing but regrets, your past will haunt you forever."
Mamori frowned, knowing these words would be true. She glanced at Maasa who had passed out, though the shadows had stopped consuming her. Then she looked back at the shadow and said, "That's true... but I will carry on living. If not for me, then for the people who love me. I cannot live a life of fear; I cannot hide away just because I’m weak. I have to keep marching on and grow stronger. So at least for now... I know I'll be all right."
"Then so be it." Beginning from her shadow self still impaled upon her sword, the scenery around her dispersed and disappeared, only to be left with a darkness that bore no threat to Mamori. A different scenery appeared before her, she was back in the classroom, but this time it was bustling with life, with her students playing with different toys, laughing and making funny noises to go with their toys... until the sound of something breaking came from the back of the room.
"I told you to leave me alone!" Mamori quickly looked to see Maasa, dressed in a simple orange summer dress and wearing a red ribbon in her long black hair, shouting at another girl with a ponytail and glasses, who was now in tears over a broken doll house.
"Maasa-chan!" Mamori saw a woman she recognised as Okiura Sayaka, her fellow teacher, running towards the scene. "Rina-chan! Are you all right? Are you hurt?"
"MAASA-CHAN, I HATE YOU!" cried Rina, as she held on to Sayaka and cried her heart out. "I HATE YOU! GO AWAY!"
Maasa looked like she was about to burst into tears herself. But she took a deep breath and shouted back, "Fine! Hate me! I think you’re all stupid anyway! I never liked any of you! I wish you'd all leave me alone!"
Maasa ran out of the classroom, all eyes on her, including another woman whom Mamori recognised instantly as her past self. "Wait, Maasa-chan!" Sayaka cried out but Rina held on to her. "Anezaki-sensei, please go see to Maasa-chan!"
"Right!" Her past self instantly replied and rushed off after Maasa. Mamori following suit as well, as her past self ran up a short flight of stairs that led to a door. Her past self turned the door knob, but found that it was locked. She knocked on the door, “Maasa-chan? Are you in there?”
“Go away!”
Her past self let out a sigh. “Maasa-chan, please come out. I’d really like to talk to you…”
“Shut up and go away!”
“Maasa-chan, please! I know you’re hurt, I really want to help you-”
“I HATE YOU!”
Mamori saw her past self gape at the locked door, uncertain of what to do. “Maasa-chan…?”
"You don't know anything about what I'm going through! You never had to experience what I'm going through! You're a liar, sensei! Stop trying to understand me!"
Past Mamori opened her mouth, desperate to say something convincing… but she sighed instead, looking dejected and hurt so she turned around to head back to the classroom.
Sayaka was cleaning up the broken doll house by the time her past self returned. "Where is she?"
Past Mamori shook her head. "She's in the attic again. I tried to talk to her once more. I just know if I could reach out to her, I could help her... but she wouldn't listen to me. I'm so sorry..."
"Anezaki-sensei, it's all right... We should give her a moment to herself before we go look in on her again..." said Sayaka, shaking her head as she cleared up the rest of the doll house. "That girl's gone through so much already... it's just not right."
"I know," Past Mamori sighed as she smiled reluctantly at the children who were now drawing and colouring by themselves. She turned to Sayaka and whispered, "I received a call from Maasa-chan’s mother telling me that no one's picking her up today, and that we will have to send her home alone as usual. It's not fair, it's just too much for her to take for today..."
"Anezaki-sensei, it's good that you care about Maasa-chan," Sayaka smiled as she placed a hand on Past Mamori's shoulder as assurance. "But maybe you shouldn't let this get to you too much. We'll both talk to her once classes are over, okay? We have time after all."
Mamori's past self nodded slowly, but soon regained her usual smile as she turned towards one of the students and offered to draw a cat for him, to which the boy responded with hesitation and the other students pointed out Anezaki-sensei's cat looked like a rat.
As all this commotion was going on, Mamori felt an urge to look behind her, so she turned to see Maasa in the attic, crying and sobbing to herself. "Mama, Papa, why..." she heard her cry. "It hurts…it hurts too much... No one can understand me… I want to disappear... No one will miss me... No one will care...
I should die..."
Is that so...?
Mamori gasped as a familiar dark voice spoke within the attic, but instead of taking any shape, all Mamori saw was a shadow facing Maasa, just a blob of darkness. I can make this all go away... I can make you forget everything... It will be over soon enough...
Maasa sniffled. "You can? You can make this pain go away?"
Just let me in. Let me into your heart and everything that hurts you will go away. You will be safe. You will be free. You will feel nothing...
Mamori cried out, desperate to stop Maasa but she knew there was nothing she could do. Maasa reached her hand out and at that moment, she felt the ground shake. An earthquake?! There were screams of panic behind her. Mamori turned to see her classroom once more, with the children screaming and grabbing on to her past self and Sayaka.
The earthquake stopped as quickly as it came as Sayaka shouted, "We have to evacuate the building now! Kiyokazu-sensei!"
A young man with a long thin ponytail and glasses, whom Mamori recognized as Kiyokazu Fujimoto, quickly ran into the classroom and picked up two terrified children as her past self made a few of them hold hands and rushed them all out of the classroom. Sayaka also ushered the rest of the students out and they all stood at wide open garden as they waited to see if more earthquakes would occur.
Then Rina screamed, "SENSEI! THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE!"
Mamori gasped, feeling that cold fear rush through her body as she saw the top part of the building was on fire. When did that happen...? How...?
"MAASA-CHAN!" she heard herself scream as her past self ran into the building.
"OI! ANEZAKI!" Kiyokazu shouted at her but Sayaka held on to him.
"No, the children here need us! Call for emergency! We need an ambulance and a fire brigade!"
Mamori followed her memory into the building, and looked in horror at how the fire had spread so quickly. The children were screaming outside for her as the fire soon claimed the entrance. Past Mamori was coughing, finding it hard to breathe as smoke filled the entire building. "Maasa-chan!" her past self cried as she rushed up the stairs.
The door to the attic was still locked as past Mamori turned the door knob. "Maasa-chan!" Past Mamori cried out, knocking on the door desperately. "Maasa-chan, can you hear me? Open the door! Please!"
Past Mamori coughed some more, it was getting harder to breathe. Desperately, she slammed herself against the door, praying that the door was old and it would give way.
After five tries and what she was sure was due to the fire, the door broke and Past Mamori almost fell through it. She felt the fire singeing her clothes and her skin, but she moved forward, looking for Maasa. And found the girl, surrounded by fire, slumped on the floor...
Lifeless.
"MAASA-CHAN!" Mamori continued to watch as her past self cried out as she rushed to pick up the girl. But as she held on to Maasa, Past Mamori saw the darkness encircling the girl. "... What?"
Let go of her... Leave her here...
Past Mamori could hear the voice in her head. "W-what? N-no! I'm not leaving Maasa-chan!"
She wants to die... Let her die...
"NO! I won't let Maasa-chan die!"
She doesn't want to live anymore... there's nothing left in this world for her...
"You're lying! Everything's going to be all right, Maasa-chan! You're not alone!"
... Then you will die with her.
Past Mamori gasped, her throat was burning from the amount of smoke she inhaled, her vision blurry as the fire came closer to her. Using all her strength, she pulled Maasa away from the darkness, but Mamori looked on, horrified to see remnants of the darkness stuck to the girl... and even on her past self, slowly growing and consuming her. Past Mamori dragged her feet forward, losing strength with each step. She almost stumbled as she carried Maasa down the stairs, Past Mamori could feel parts of her were on fire now. Her hair, her legs, her dress...
As long as Maasa's safe... please let her be safe!
Mamori could only watch as she saw her past self stumble through the entrance of the kindergarten, collapsing onto the ground with Maasa in her arms. The darkness was not visible anymore, but Mamori knew it was still around.
The children were panicking and screaming at the sight of their teacher partly on fire. "Fujimoto, hold the children back! Please!" Sayaka screamed as she rushed towards Past Mamori and Maasa.
Kiyokazu nodded as he hushed the screaming children, telling them to not panic and to stay where they were. But to Mamori's surprise, one boy, Tsu-chan, took a few steps back away from the children, his eyes filled with terror.
Sayaka quickly put out the fire that was still on Mamori with the cardigan that she wore and did her best to drag Past Mamori and Maasa away from the burning building. She quickly checked Mamori's pulse and breathed a sigh of relief when she found one, though faint. But as she checked on Maasa...
The horror on Sayaka's face echoed Mamori's at that moment. Somehow Mamori knew, she had known despite having passed out at that moment...
Maasa was already dead.
The sound of an ambulance rang through the air, and soon a fire brigade followed suit. Everything went by like a blur for Mamori as the reality of what had happened sank in. She watched as the medical aid had to forcefully pull Maasa away from her past self’s grasp, despite her unconscious state. She watched as the medic tried to revive her, putting an oxygen mask on her face, placed her on a stretcher and brought her into the ambulance, but as for Maasa... Maasa...
... She was placed in a body bag.
Mamori couldn't breathe at that moment. The pain, the awful sadness and despair she had suppressed, the one that had spiraled her into the darkness, had emerged. She did all she could to not let the darkness consume her at that moment, but she knew her past self had already fallen. Her past self had already been taken.
Mamori cried out and fell to her knees, burying her face in her hands as her sobs raked her body. She remembered now, the reason why she wanted to forget everything, her reason for disappearing. She couldn’t save her student… the one who Mamori knew needed her the most. And the fact that someone important to her had slipped away just like that brought out so many different kinds of fears, her loneliness, her weaknesses…
I really am so weak!
“It’s all right,” a voice spoke behind her. “Everything’s going to be all right.”
Mamori turned to see who it could be, and despite her tear stained face and the sadness that consumed her, she couldn’t help but feel relieved. “It’s you…”
Chapter 13 | Chapter 15
Rating: T
Fandom: Eyeshield 21/CLAMP (Crossover)
Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters used here. They belong to their respective owners, namely Riichiro Inagaki and Yuusuke Murata for Eyeshield 21 and CLAMP.
Summary: In a volatile world where even his black book holds no power, Hiruma must help Mamori fight and recover her lost memories before he loses her forever. AU. Crossover. HiruMamo.
Notes: As promised, this chapter came out a lot faster than expected! But I have YOU, yes, YOU reading this right now to thank for making this possible. The amount of support in the form of favourites, hits and reviews this fic has been getting has been so encouraging, it made me write almost 10,000 words for this fic. Seriously, it's people like you that keep me writing! Thank you so so much!
I really wanted this chapter and the next one to be one whole chapter though, but after writing it all out and looking at how much had happened, this chapter is split into two as there's just too much happening for me to put it in all at once. So no, this fic will not end on Chapter 15. It will end on Chapter 16... or so I think. At this point, you're better off not trusting me with this, and err... be happy there's more to look forward to? XD I should warn you for now that this chapter and the next is going to be pretty heavy.
So much love to moodylollipop who helped me out so much with this chapter, and is doing her best to work some issues out with me on the next chapter. That should be out next week if all goes well. Look out for it.
Until then, thank you for your continuous support!
~*~
The world breaking around her was beyond Mamori's control. There was too much pain, too much sadness, too much anger. This world, this entire setup, the loss of her memories had gone on for far too long... and it had come at the price of the one she loved dearly. She wanted it all gone, she wanted it all destroyed until nothing but the truth was left.
She continued to scream, feeling a part of her breaking with the world around her. She could feel a part of her changing, feeling the ends of her hair brush her shoulders and arms.
Gasping to breathe from all the screaming, she ran her fingers through her hair. It had grown long, and even without a mirror before her she knew she had gained the looks and stature of her older self.
She had finally returned to who she was meant to be.
Despite how much she wanted the world around her to disappear; the classroom remained. Outside the window was nothing but stark whiteness which seeped into the classroom, giving the scene a monochrome look of black and white. Mamori picked up her sword, knowing that the truth was hiding within the dark shadows, refusing to come out.
"Stop hiding from me!" Mamori cried out, her voice hoarse from the screaming. "I know you're there! Are you the reason why I'm like this?"
Soft laughter filled the room, mocking Mamori. "You didn't have to kill him!" she cried some more, looking around the classroom, desperate for a clue as to who this mystery person was. "He couldn't harm anyone in this world! There's no reason to kill him!"
Mamori felt the air around her shift, and she knew then something was coming. She turned in that direction and saw the other figure, sweeping towards her with its sword by its side.
Mamori raised hers to block the attack immediately, and then took a good look at the person that had taken Hiruma away from her.
It was her, or what Mamori deemed as nothing more than a shadow of her. With eyes many shades darker and a piercing gaze that caused cold fear to run through Mamori’s body as she saw in those eyes a reflection of everything she ever feared. She pushed herself back with her sword, gasping in uncertainty at her darker self.
This shadow had also gained her older appearances now; her hair had grown longer than when she’d seen her in that brief moment before. She continued to smirk as she lowered her sword to take a good look at Mamori. "No reason to kill him?" she said, amused at Mamori's sudden fear and uncertainty. "Well, isn't that silly... he wasn't going to last anyway."
Mamori's shadow self moved forward again, this time she slashed down at Mamori a couple of times, unrelenting. Mamori blocked each one of them, taking more steps back. She knew she should return the attack somehow, but this shadow's existence confused her.
Should she really try to kill it? Would that harm her instead? Would that solve everything? Mamori gritted her teeth as she planted her feet and exerted more strength into blocking the shadow's attack and pushing it away from herself instead. "What do you mean he wouldn't last?" said Mamori as she readied her stance for another attack. "What did you do to him?"
Her shadow-self laughed. It was a cold and cruel laughter that made Mamori's heart sink.
Something was wrong, and her ignorance wasn’t helping her cause. "You humans are all the same," her shadow self said as she lifted her sword. Then she rushed towards Mamori, faster than before and slashed at Mamori repeatedly. Mamori did her best to block them all as the shadow continued, "You're always blaming ME for the situation that you're in! Stop and think for a moment! Whose fault is it really?"
The shadow changed her pattern of attack and swung from the side. While Mamori saw it coming, her parry wasn’t as quick as it should be and she felt the blade glance her hip. With a sharp hiss of pain, she pushed the shadow's sword away and began her own attack on the shadow, which blocked them all with ease. "You still don't know, do you?" the shadow spoke up as Mamori struggled to land at least one blow on her. "Since you want to remember everything so much, how about I show you..."
As Mamori swung her sword downwards, a sudden flash of white light filled her vision and she gasped as she squeezed her eyes shut. In a brief second she saw herself in the hallway of the apartment she lived in, holding on to a phone nervously. "Pick up... pick up..." she heard herself say as the ringing continued. Then she let out an exasperated sigh as she put down the phone. She felt herself slump on the couch, gazing into a white ceiling and feeling a sharp pain in her chest.
Why can't I reach you?
The feeling of the air shifting jolted Mamori out of her short flashback as she quickly blocked her shadow's attack. The memory lingered in Mamori's mind causing her head to throb. "W-what was that?" She whispered as her shadow succeeded in landing another blow, on her arm this time, causing Mamori to lose her balance and fall to her knees.
Her shadow pointed her sword towards Mamori and grinned. "That's just a taste of everything you feared. Are you sure you want to remember it all? The pain will be worst than anything you've ever imagined..."
Mamori gritted her teeth and, using her sword as a crutch, got up and began attacking her shadow once more. The shadow deflected her blows with ease as Mamori struggled to keep herself together. "Still not convinced?” her shadow laughed, amused at Mamori’s feeble attempts to fight. "Here, why don't I show you something that will make you stop this meaningless struggle against me...?"
No matter how much she tried to steel herself for whatever could come next, Mamori felt her heart stop the moment the flash of light appeared and she heard the words of a young child shouting at her...
"I HATE YOU!"
The image of the child was blurry to Mamori, but the words stung deep within her, causing her to freeze as more words poured out of the child.
"You don't know anything about what I'm going through! You never had to experience what I'm going through! You're a liar, sensei! Stop trying to understand me!"
This time, even though she knew her shadow was about to attack her, Mamori stayed motionless, unable to lift even a finger. So she felt the sharp, piercing blade cut through her shoulder, and though she stumbled, she felt her shadow’s cold barely-there arm around her waist, supporting her and drawing her closer to itself. "That's right..." her shadow cackled as she brought her face down seductively towards Mamori’s. "That feeling right there is the reason why you're in this place, why you lost your precious person, why you wanted so badly to disappear... do you remember it now?"
Mamori felt numb, unable to answer, unable to feel the pain or even the hot tears pouring down her face. The memory of the child and what had brought her here was still vague, but the feelings that came with it... the feelings of despair and pain filled her... and despite how much she tried to fight it, how much Hiruma had warned her against it, and the cries of her loved ones calling her to come back echoed in a distance, her feelings were drowning her.
She shouldn't be alive. The shadows should have taken her. This fight was futile. "That's right... remember that feeling, the reason why you're here to begin with... stop blaming me, stop blaming anyone. This is yours and yours alone..."
Mamori felt all energy drain from her. Everything around her turned darker... all that strength, all that hope, all that belief she’d built up... gone in a flash. Mamori couldn't even hold on to the memories that made her happy... she was left open, vulnerable...
Broken...
Her shadow placed a hand on Mamori's chest and she felt a burning sensation sear through her. "No one's protecting you now, girlie... you’ve lost!"
Mamori shut her eyes tight to shut out the pain and the shadow’s terrible words, but against anything she could have imagined, the shadow's hand slid into her chest, as if she were insubstantial, and was now pulling something out of her. Mamori screamed at the sensation. It felt like half of her soul was being torn out and more flashes of memories filled her mind. The pain was unbearable; the desire to fall into the shadows grew stronger...
And then she did fall, crashing to the ground like a discarded doll. And slowly she could see the shadows creep around her, ready to take her back...
To where she belonged.
Mamori gasped, desperate to hold on to even the sensation of her tears, her pain... anything to at least keep her in this world for a little longer. This didn't make sense... after taking something from within her the shadow had lost interest in her. What was going on?
Mamori turned her head to see where her shadow had gone and tried to make sense of the scene before her through her blurry vision.
A child with long black hair held back with a large red bow on her head had her neck gripped by Mamori’s shadow, her body dangling in the air. The child was still for a moment, then she began to swing her feet, opened her mouth slowly and cried, "Sensei!"
Mamori gasped, the child's voice ringing through her ears. It's her! The child she saw at the park with the Sakura trees, who cried out to her in the burning room, the one who had shouted at her just moments ago, crying out how much she hated her. "Maasa... chan?"
"S-sensei...!" Maasa began to cry, though she was so weak, she could not raise her arms. Instead, she focused on calling out to Mamori. "Don't listen to her sensei! I know I did this to you but you have to fight back!"
"Are you seriously trying to save her after what you did, little girl?" Mamori's shadow laughed as she pinned Maasa to the wall and allowed the shadows to take hold of her, tendrils of darkness inching over her body, swallowing her. "Have you forgotten you're the reason she's here in the first place?"
"Sensei, you don't deserve this!" Maasa cried, though her voice grew weaker. "I do! This is what I should go through... but sensei... you... you're so loved... you shouldn't..."
The shadow laughed, her voice growing deeper and cruel. "Your sensei is here because of you! She was here, desperate to show you that you can be loved, but instead, you showed her the path of loneliness, of despair! You're both trapped here now, you'll both fall into the shadows where you belong! Isn't this what you wanted, girl? To forget everything, all your pain, your sorrow!"
Mamori couldn't believe what she was hearing. So the reason why she had to go through all this pain, all this sadness... even having to witness the person she loved die... was because of her student?
The shadow sensed her feelings and turned to Mamori, and as it smiled, its face gave way to the monster that it truly was. "Yes, that's right..." it said, slowly walking towards Mamori. "This little girl you cared for so much brought you here! Brought you all this pain and sadness! This is why you wanted to forget, this is why you joined her in the world of darkness, where everything you've seen and known would sink into nothingness! So you might as well join her, for there's nothing else to live for. It's all over. It's all over!"
"Noooo!" Maasa tried to move, to pull herself away. "Sensei, it's not true! I saw it, sensei! I saw hope!"
The shadow quickly turned towards Maasa and laughed cruelly as the shadows continued to devour her. Mamori lay on the floor, sinking in to the shadows as well... but the more she heard Maasa screaming, the more her memories became clear to her...
"Maasa-chan's parents are going through a divorce. It's pretty bad... both of her parents don't really want her. There's talk she'll be sent away to a boarding school next year once she graduates from Kindergarten."
"That's terrible... I'll go talk to her parents! There’s got to be some way we can help out!"
"Anezaki-sensei, as much as I understand your concern, we've been told to stay out of it. If Maasa-chan wants to be alone... then we should let her…"
"No..." Mamori whispered, watching the struggling child. "No, that's not right... Maasa-chan..."
Memories of herself sitting alone on her bed began to haunt her. Mamori remembered now, she was crying, her phone that she’d thrown across the room lay on the floor, broken. "Youichi, you liar!" she cried out at the time, although she knew it wasn't his fault. It was nobody else's fault. It was her own, for holing herself up like this, for being unable to reach out. She remembered the dull, heavy ache in her heart as she whispered the words, "Maybe I shouldn’t be holding you back any longer…" through her sobs.
"That's right..." Mamori murmured, finally regaining some of her strength as everything slowly became clear to her. "That's why I reached out to you, Maasa-chan..." Mamori pulled her right arm out off the shadows. "I knew how you felt, I knew... how when you're sad and alone, it feels as if nobody can save you, nobody can understand you... And that's why I did my best to reach out to you... and I followed you here..."
Mamori stretched out her arm towards Maasa, who cried upon hearing Mamori's words. Mamori, despite the pain and sorrow eating her, smiled. "I saw a small part of myself in you... even though I knew I couldn’t understand your pain fully, but I wanted so desperately to let you know…
That you weren’t alone."
The sound of something clattering distracted Mamori. It slid towards her, within arm's reach, and for a moment she saw the silhouette of a familiar woman, whom she recognised as the one who had aided her when this world was initially created. But Mamori wasn't confused or lost anymore. She looked at the item and knew what to do.
Everything's going to be all right, Youichi...
The shadow saw this and rushed towards her as quickly as possible. But Mamori grabbed the gun from the floor and shot the shadow rapidly until it disappeared, screaming. "YOU WON'T ESCAPE! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE!"
Mamori raised her head to look at the shadows surrounding her, still holding her down and shot at them, loosening their grip until she was finally able to stand. The shadow screamed in anger, "You DARE to keep defying your fate!"
"You know nothing about my fate!" Mamori cried out as she put the gun down, back on the floor, and picked up her sword. "You're nothing but a dark creature feeding off my fear, my pain! You blame Maasa-chan for this situation when this is also partly my fault!"
"That girl deserves to disappear! To be forgotten! Even she knows it; this is the path she chose!"
"No! You didn't give her a choice! You made her believe this was the only choice! I know there are other options before us, and she's seen it with her own eyes! You cannot control us now!"
"You fool!" It regained its form before her eyes, a macabre mixture of her own features and the monster of darkness. Sword in hand, it rushed towards her and the sharp clink and screech of steel against steel filled the air. "You're choosing a path of pain! You will bear a burden that will crush you! You're better off forgetting... you are too weak!"
Mamori blocked each one of its blows, new found strength growing within her. "Yes, I'm weak. There will be times when the pain will make me forget everything that's important to me, and I may fall into this darkness once again... but everything I went through here, in this world has taught me one thing..."
Memories of her mother, her best friends, the Devil Bats, Sena... Youichi... filled her mind, firming her resolve.
"That I am not alone! That I am alive and that as long as I have the people I love with me, I can face anything!" Mamori finally took on an offensive stance and swung her sword repeatedly at the shadow. The tables were turned now; the shadow seemed to have lost its own strength and did its best to defend itself.
But in its confusion, Mamori saw an opening and quickly stabbed the shadow right through where its heart should be. There was a scream of agony and Mamori closed her eyes as flashes of light broke through. The scene slowly settled, and Mamori peered through to see the shadow had discarded its monstrous looks and regained Mamori’s features instead. She looked calm with Mamori's sword still pierced through her. And then the shadow looked at her sadly, "You've chosen a path that is filled with pain. You will have moments where you will dream of nothing but regrets, your past will haunt you forever."
Mamori frowned, knowing these words would be true. She glanced at Maasa who had passed out, though the shadows had stopped consuming her. Then she looked back at the shadow and said, "That's true... but I will carry on living. If not for me, then for the people who love me. I cannot live a life of fear; I cannot hide away just because I’m weak. I have to keep marching on and grow stronger. So at least for now... I know I'll be all right."
"Then so be it." Beginning from her shadow self still impaled upon her sword, the scenery around her dispersed and disappeared, only to be left with a darkness that bore no threat to Mamori. A different scenery appeared before her, she was back in the classroom, but this time it was bustling with life, with her students playing with different toys, laughing and making funny noises to go with their toys... until the sound of something breaking came from the back of the room.
"I told you to leave me alone!" Mamori quickly looked to see Maasa, dressed in a simple orange summer dress and wearing a red ribbon in her long black hair, shouting at another girl with a ponytail and glasses, who was now in tears over a broken doll house.
"Maasa-chan!" Mamori saw a woman she recognised as Okiura Sayaka, her fellow teacher, running towards the scene. "Rina-chan! Are you all right? Are you hurt?"
"MAASA-CHAN, I HATE YOU!" cried Rina, as she held on to Sayaka and cried her heart out. "I HATE YOU! GO AWAY!"
Maasa looked like she was about to burst into tears herself. But she took a deep breath and shouted back, "Fine! Hate me! I think you’re all stupid anyway! I never liked any of you! I wish you'd all leave me alone!"
Maasa ran out of the classroom, all eyes on her, including another woman whom Mamori recognised instantly as her past self. "Wait, Maasa-chan!" Sayaka cried out but Rina held on to her. "Anezaki-sensei, please go see to Maasa-chan!"
"Right!" Her past self instantly replied and rushed off after Maasa. Mamori following suit as well, as her past self ran up a short flight of stairs that led to a door. Her past self turned the door knob, but found that it was locked. She knocked on the door, “Maasa-chan? Are you in there?”
“Go away!”
Her past self let out a sigh. “Maasa-chan, please come out. I’d really like to talk to you…”
“Shut up and go away!”
“Maasa-chan, please! I know you’re hurt, I really want to help you-”
“I HATE YOU!”
Mamori saw her past self gape at the locked door, uncertain of what to do. “Maasa-chan…?”
"You don't know anything about what I'm going through! You never had to experience what I'm going through! You're a liar, sensei! Stop trying to understand me!"
Past Mamori opened her mouth, desperate to say something convincing… but she sighed instead, looking dejected and hurt so she turned around to head back to the classroom.
Sayaka was cleaning up the broken doll house by the time her past self returned. "Where is she?"
Past Mamori shook her head. "She's in the attic again. I tried to talk to her once more. I just know if I could reach out to her, I could help her... but she wouldn't listen to me. I'm so sorry..."
"Anezaki-sensei, it's all right... We should give her a moment to herself before we go look in on her again..." said Sayaka, shaking her head as she cleared up the rest of the doll house. "That girl's gone through so much already... it's just not right."
"I know," Past Mamori sighed as she smiled reluctantly at the children who were now drawing and colouring by themselves. She turned to Sayaka and whispered, "I received a call from Maasa-chan’s mother telling me that no one's picking her up today, and that we will have to send her home alone as usual. It's not fair, it's just too much for her to take for today..."
"Anezaki-sensei, it's good that you care about Maasa-chan," Sayaka smiled as she placed a hand on Past Mamori's shoulder as assurance. "But maybe you shouldn't let this get to you too much. We'll both talk to her once classes are over, okay? We have time after all."
Mamori's past self nodded slowly, but soon regained her usual smile as she turned towards one of the students and offered to draw a cat for him, to which the boy responded with hesitation and the other students pointed out Anezaki-sensei's cat looked like a rat.
As all this commotion was going on, Mamori felt an urge to look behind her, so she turned to see Maasa in the attic, crying and sobbing to herself. "Mama, Papa, why..." she heard her cry. "It hurts…it hurts too much... No one can understand me… I want to disappear... No one will miss me... No one will care...
I should die..."
Is that so...?
Mamori gasped as a familiar dark voice spoke within the attic, but instead of taking any shape, all Mamori saw was a shadow facing Maasa, just a blob of darkness. I can make this all go away... I can make you forget everything... It will be over soon enough...
Maasa sniffled. "You can? You can make this pain go away?"
Just let me in. Let me into your heart and everything that hurts you will go away. You will be safe. You will be free. You will feel nothing...
Mamori cried out, desperate to stop Maasa but she knew there was nothing she could do. Maasa reached her hand out and at that moment, she felt the ground shake. An earthquake?! There were screams of panic behind her. Mamori turned to see her classroom once more, with the children screaming and grabbing on to her past self and Sayaka.
The earthquake stopped as quickly as it came as Sayaka shouted, "We have to evacuate the building now! Kiyokazu-sensei!"
A young man with a long thin ponytail and glasses, whom Mamori recognized as Kiyokazu Fujimoto, quickly ran into the classroom and picked up two terrified children as her past self made a few of them hold hands and rushed them all out of the classroom. Sayaka also ushered the rest of the students out and they all stood at wide open garden as they waited to see if more earthquakes would occur.
Then Rina screamed, "SENSEI! THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE!"
Mamori gasped, feeling that cold fear rush through her body as she saw the top part of the building was on fire. When did that happen...? How...?
"MAASA-CHAN!" she heard herself scream as her past self ran into the building.
"OI! ANEZAKI!" Kiyokazu shouted at her but Sayaka held on to him.
"No, the children here need us! Call for emergency! We need an ambulance and a fire brigade!"
Mamori followed her memory into the building, and looked in horror at how the fire had spread so quickly. The children were screaming outside for her as the fire soon claimed the entrance. Past Mamori was coughing, finding it hard to breathe as smoke filled the entire building. "Maasa-chan!" her past self cried as she rushed up the stairs.
The door to the attic was still locked as past Mamori turned the door knob. "Maasa-chan!" Past Mamori cried out, knocking on the door desperately. "Maasa-chan, can you hear me? Open the door! Please!"
Past Mamori coughed some more, it was getting harder to breathe. Desperately, she slammed herself against the door, praying that the door was old and it would give way.
After five tries and what she was sure was due to the fire, the door broke and Past Mamori almost fell through it. She felt the fire singeing her clothes and her skin, but she moved forward, looking for Maasa. And found the girl, surrounded by fire, slumped on the floor...
Lifeless.
"MAASA-CHAN!" Mamori continued to watch as her past self cried out as she rushed to pick up the girl. But as she held on to Maasa, Past Mamori saw the darkness encircling the girl. "... What?"
Let go of her... Leave her here...
Past Mamori could hear the voice in her head. "W-what? N-no! I'm not leaving Maasa-chan!"
She wants to die... Let her die...
"NO! I won't let Maasa-chan die!"
She doesn't want to live anymore... there's nothing left in this world for her...
"You're lying! Everything's going to be all right, Maasa-chan! You're not alone!"
... Then you will die with her.
Past Mamori gasped, her throat was burning from the amount of smoke she inhaled, her vision blurry as the fire came closer to her. Using all her strength, she pulled Maasa away from the darkness, but Mamori looked on, horrified to see remnants of the darkness stuck to the girl... and even on her past self, slowly growing and consuming her. Past Mamori dragged her feet forward, losing strength with each step. She almost stumbled as she carried Maasa down the stairs, Past Mamori could feel parts of her were on fire now. Her hair, her legs, her dress...
As long as Maasa's safe... please let her be safe!
Mamori could only watch as she saw her past self stumble through the entrance of the kindergarten, collapsing onto the ground with Maasa in her arms. The darkness was not visible anymore, but Mamori knew it was still around.
The children were panicking and screaming at the sight of their teacher partly on fire. "Fujimoto, hold the children back! Please!" Sayaka screamed as she rushed towards Past Mamori and Maasa.
Kiyokazu nodded as he hushed the screaming children, telling them to not panic and to stay where they were. But to Mamori's surprise, one boy, Tsu-chan, took a few steps back away from the children, his eyes filled with terror.
Sayaka quickly put out the fire that was still on Mamori with the cardigan that she wore and did her best to drag Past Mamori and Maasa away from the burning building. She quickly checked Mamori's pulse and breathed a sigh of relief when she found one, though faint. But as she checked on Maasa...
The horror on Sayaka's face echoed Mamori's at that moment. Somehow Mamori knew, she had known despite having passed out at that moment...
Maasa was already dead.
The sound of an ambulance rang through the air, and soon a fire brigade followed suit. Everything went by like a blur for Mamori as the reality of what had happened sank in. She watched as the medical aid had to forcefully pull Maasa away from her past self’s grasp, despite her unconscious state. She watched as the medic tried to revive her, putting an oxygen mask on her face, placed her on a stretcher and brought her into the ambulance, but as for Maasa... Maasa...
... She was placed in a body bag.
Mamori couldn't breathe at that moment. The pain, the awful sadness and despair she had suppressed, the one that had spiraled her into the darkness, had emerged. She did all she could to not let the darkness consume her at that moment, but she knew her past self had already fallen. Her past self had already been taken.
Mamori cried out and fell to her knees, burying her face in her hands as her sobs raked her body. She remembered now, the reason why she wanted to forget everything, her reason for disappearing. She couldn’t save her student… the one who Mamori knew needed her the most. And the fact that someone important to her had slipped away just like that brought out so many different kinds of fears, her loneliness, her weaknesses…
I really am so weak!
“It’s all right,” a voice spoke behind her. “Everything’s going to be all right.”
Mamori turned to see who it could be, and despite her tear stained face and the sadness that consumed her, she couldn’t help but feel relieved. “It’s you…”
Chapter 13 | Chapter 15