Greetings from the other side of Christmas Cheer
Before I go off on a tangent that might or might not be long, I figured I would open with a lovely moment that pretty much captures what it's like to live with my animals. Bunnicula is generally very quiet while she's roaming around in her playpen area and a lot of times Pavi likes to be in there with her. They don't really do anything but sit with each other but he seems to enjoy being where she is anyway. Tonight was no different though he decided that instead of fighting with her over her house or playing with her toys, he was going to curl up in another spot in the playpen. Naturally, the best place to curl up and sleep was in her litter tray. Just so you know, the litter tray pretty much holds a three month old bunny snugly so watching the wirey limbs of my year old cat sticking out in various directions as he contentedly blinked was pretty damn funny.
And with that, I will go on to talk to you about my fun little thoughts about something that's been on my mind for the past year. Yay! (or some such other musings)
Last year at this time, my uncle on my mom's side mentioned that I wasn't really into all that dark spooky stuff anymore. I was a little taken aback by this because for one, it showed that he didn't really know me at all but it also sort of shocked me that my own sort of doubts and fears were showing so blatantly to other people. I didn't know who I was after a few years and it was a bit of a slap to discover that all those things that used to be important to me were sort of not important anymore. But, as depression goes, when you're that unhappy with life in general, nothing is important. Nothing means anything to you at all. It's like living in a constant state of being both numb and distraught. It's funny because these ideas that are supposed to be so key to being a goth were the very reasons that people thought that I was outgrowing it.
I've said before to other people that there's no way that anyone who proclaims to be goth or even someone who looks like they are one can be anything but a fairly well adjusted and decently confident person on the inside. Taking that much effort to do your hair and makeup and choosing to wear clothing that makes you feel dark and mysterious is a little too much fun for the depressed masses. It's true that it can start to feel routine after a while but if you're truely that sad and unhappy, life just stops. Living ceases to be worth anything and it starts to show. People lose their color. (Or in this case, their dark hued makeup and their fabulously great clothes.)
A part of why I'm thinking about this right now is that I'm reading a book I got for Christmas. (I'm pretty certain that a lot of gothy people got it for Christmas too) The Gothic Charm School has been a fun read so far, even if most of it I either could have guessed or already know about. It's stuff that I enjoy still so there's no shame in that. I particularly enjoy her attitude about embracing cliches. What's funny about this particular sentiment is how often people end up embracing them because it's just a natural part of your enjoyment of these things. Well rather mine. I like this stuff a lot. I'm slowly coming to realize that it won't change either.
I've talked before about my design class and how I have all the evidence of my lingering gothiness when I look back on pretty much every bloody project that I did for this class. Between my bat tiles and my page layout using Ogre as my subject to my vampire bride and groom salt and pepper shakers, I can't really get past the fact that these are all still the same things that make my toes curl. If a new vampire movie (a real vampire movie please! None of this romance movie pretending to be a vampire movie stuff *cough twilight cough*)... ahem, as I was saying, if a new vampire movies comes out, I want to see it. If I find something fun to look at in the Occult section of Chapters, I'm already fighting with my inner self to remind myself that food is more delicious than books. Even my pets get to join the fun with names like Sally, Pavi and Bunnicula. (Cake was August's suggestion and a damn fine name it is for a lovely fish! :P) I'm not listing these things for any reason other than to kind of sort out what I kind of forgot for the past couple of years. It should say something that I didn't even try to make a list of things for people this year for Christmas and the people I love got me the aforementioned Gothic Charm School book, a copy of Coraline, a Skinny Puppy shirt and Halloween figurine from Disneyland featuring Mickey in a top hat and cape and a mini gothic garden full of fun spooky plants. And I loved it all. I don't need to tell them anything because honestly, they know me better than I know myself sometimes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm reflecting about how far I've come in a year but also how I got so blinded by nothingness. By feeling numb and sad. I never changed. I never "grew up" the way I hoped I never would. And you know what? I don't want to either. If a woman in her forties can write a book about having fun as a goth at her age, I don't see the point in setting these things aside. It might not be the way everyone else feels and that's great. Perfect. Don't do it. But I can't remember a time that I didn't get excited when I saw an ad for something to do with Halloween, even if it was a car commercial. And the day I do start to feel like this is all just a pointless waste of time will likely be the same day that I decide that writing is for suckers and I shall embrace my newfound love of math as I embark on a career in accounting. (Because we all know how much Danielle enjoys math!)
This doesn't mean on any level that the pink and other neon greatness is gone. Rather, just like everything else, it's always been there. It's just all here at the same time for once. I guess that this means that I'm embracing my retarded gothy 80s obsessed black clad, neon accented self for the moment. Now, speaking of embracing things, I'm going to delight in having a nice bath with my bath confetti that the boyfriend gave me while drinking some red wine and reading the rest of the Gothic Charm School, most likely while listening to The Fragile.
(Not gonna lie, sometimes the cliches are the best part of the subculture just for the sheer fun of saying you did it. Don't even try to pretend it's not.)
And with that, I will go on to talk to you about my fun little thoughts about something that's been on my mind for the past year. Yay! (or some such other musings)
Last year at this time, my uncle on my mom's side mentioned that I wasn't really into all that dark spooky stuff anymore. I was a little taken aback by this because for one, it showed that he didn't really know me at all but it also sort of shocked me that my own sort of doubts and fears were showing so blatantly to other people. I didn't know who I was after a few years and it was a bit of a slap to discover that all those things that used to be important to me were sort of not important anymore. But, as depression goes, when you're that unhappy with life in general, nothing is important. Nothing means anything to you at all. It's like living in a constant state of being both numb and distraught. It's funny because these ideas that are supposed to be so key to being a goth were the very reasons that people thought that I was outgrowing it.
I've said before to other people that there's no way that anyone who proclaims to be goth or even someone who looks like they are one can be anything but a fairly well adjusted and decently confident person on the inside. Taking that much effort to do your hair and makeup and choosing to wear clothing that makes you feel dark and mysterious is a little too much fun for the depressed masses. It's true that it can start to feel routine after a while but if you're truely that sad and unhappy, life just stops. Living ceases to be worth anything and it starts to show. People lose their color. (Or in this case, their dark hued makeup and their fabulously great clothes.)
A part of why I'm thinking about this right now is that I'm reading a book I got for Christmas. (I'm pretty certain that a lot of gothy people got it for Christmas too) The Gothic Charm School has been a fun read so far, even if most of it I either could have guessed or already know about. It's stuff that I enjoy still so there's no shame in that. I particularly enjoy her attitude about embracing cliches. What's funny about this particular sentiment is how often people end up embracing them because it's just a natural part of your enjoyment of these things. Well rather mine. I like this stuff a lot. I'm slowly coming to realize that it won't change either.
I've talked before about my design class and how I have all the evidence of my lingering gothiness when I look back on pretty much every bloody project that I did for this class. Between my bat tiles and my page layout using Ogre as my subject to my vampire bride and groom salt and pepper shakers, I can't really get past the fact that these are all still the same things that make my toes curl. If a new vampire movie (a real vampire movie please! None of this romance movie pretending to be a vampire movie stuff *cough twilight cough*)... ahem, as I was saying, if a new vampire movies comes out, I want to see it. If I find something fun to look at in the Occult section of Chapters, I'm already fighting with my inner self to remind myself that food is more delicious than books. Even my pets get to join the fun with names like Sally, Pavi and Bunnicula. (Cake was August's suggestion and a damn fine name it is for a lovely fish! :P) I'm not listing these things for any reason other than to kind of sort out what I kind of forgot for the past couple of years. It should say something that I didn't even try to make a list of things for people this year for Christmas and the people I love got me the aforementioned Gothic Charm School book, a copy of Coraline, a Skinny Puppy shirt and Halloween figurine from Disneyland featuring Mickey in a top hat and cape and a mini gothic garden full of fun spooky plants. And I loved it all. I don't need to tell them anything because honestly, they know me better than I know myself sometimes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm reflecting about how far I've come in a year but also how I got so blinded by nothingness. By feeling numb and sad. I never changed. I never "grew up" the way I hoped I never would. And you know what? I don't want to either. If a woman in her forties can write a book about having fun as a goth at her age, I don't see the point in setting these things aside. It might not be the way everyone else feels and that's great. Perfect. Don't do it. But I can't remember a time that I didn't get excited when I saw an ad for something to do with Halloween, even if it was a car commercial. And the day I do start to feel like this is all just a pointless waste of time will likely be the same day that I decide that writing is for suckers and I shall embrace my newfound love of math as I embark on a career in accounting. (Because we all know how much Danielle enjoys math!)
This doesn't mean on any level that the pink and other neon greatness is gone. Rather, just like everything else, it's always been there. It's just all here at the same time for once. I guess that this means that I'm embracing my retarded gothy 80s obsessed black clad, neon accented self for the moment. Now, speaking of embracing things, I'm going to delight in having a nice bath with my bath confetti that the boyfriend gave me while drinking some red wine and reading the rest of the Gothic Charm School, most likely while listening to The Fragile.
(Not gonna lie, sometimes the cliches are the best part of the subculture just for the sheer fun of saying you did it. Don't even try to pretend it's not.)