Wait For Me [ Chapter 5]

[cherry_tiger]

Title: Wait For Me [Chapter 5]

Rating: T

Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters used here. They belong to their respective owners, namely the creators of Eyeshield 21.

Summary: A sequel to my earlier fic, Gravity. Time is moving faster than before, and one question will be on the mind's of both Hiruma and Mamori. How long is too long

Comments

[bar_ohki]

You made Yamato out into a complete jerk in this one. He knows he's pressuring Mamori....

[cherry_tiger]

@___@ Well you're awake pretty late! I wasn't expecting a comment this soon!

And really? Was he to the point of OOC though? The pressuring was a part of it, sure, but if he came out too strong, do let me know!

[bar_ohki]

Not OOC entirely, it just makes him appear to have other motivations, which you implied he did earlier.

And I'm on insomnia therapy stuff- so I'm up at odd hours to help condense my sleeping while I am in bed (I might not need to see the doctor anymore, but I am not exactly cured yet).

[cherry_tiger]

Yeah, he does have his own motivations, but I didn't intend to paint him as a jerk in any way, even with the way he questions her at the end. So I can't deny I'm concerned if my portrayal of him made him too much of a jerk. I'll take note of this though, and see if I can be more careful with that.

[dayofcaligula]

I say not entirely a jerk, but he seemed a bit too forward here. I get that you wanted to get through his point and it is something that he might really potentially plan. However, I feel that it is too early for him to brag about his ambitions (especially for man, who's ego protection is natural and that he will do his best to keep it at bay from people whom he doesn't normally/constantly deal with). I would also say he's the type of person who's choosing his words right and not outright attack Mamori over her worries about Hiruma.

[cherry_tiger]

Ah, I think my biggest fault here is not establishing Yamato enough that he came off too strong and sudden here, and for that I apologise. He's actually really comfortable with Mamori at this point (I promise I'll establish that better later on), that he has no qualms about telling Mamori his plans, especially since they're so close to parting ways at this point (he could've told her earlier, but he didn't).

Hmm... I don't know, I think he would say such words that would bring pressure on a person if necessary (after all, he did put pressure on the Devil Bats by saying they won't score and such), and that's what I'm trying to do here. He actually has his own motivations for asking that, and I will get to it in the next chapter. The key here is really Mamori's reaction to his question, and I saved that for the next chapter as it'll meld in well with Hiruma's situation. I'll do my best with this one and will take extra care with Yamato's characterisation for sure!

[dayofcaligula]

An opening through the conversation that Yamato and Mamori are actually pretty close would've been more effective. Maybe Mamori was too worried, but as I read it, it was as if Mamori felt uncomfortable being with Yamato and the closeness factor didn't quite cross the line.

Pressure on the other team, yes, but pressure on a personal for something extremely personal? I get that he wanted to prove his point, but I suppose more careful words would get it done.

Anyway, don't get too worried, I'm sure you'd get to Yamato soon enough. If you need help, I am here to support and give advice if needed! Much, much love! :)

[cherry_tiger]

Yeah, I should've touched on their background a bit more, I was planning it only in the later chapters to show more backstory between Mamori and Yamato, my mistake I should've done it earlier. She really only felt uncomfortable because Hiruma and Yamato had a bit of a fight earlier on, and she wasn't sure if Hiruma would like to see her with him at this point even as friends. I promise I'll develop their backstory better!

I guess I can see him doing it personally if he can find some form of benefit with it, and in this story, he is trying to get to Mamori in a sense because of what Hiruma is up to. It may sound crude, but I'm sticking to this side of him for the benefit for this story. >__Ah well, I knew I was going to make some mistakes with this fic, even with the amount of research I did! I'm already taking a risk with Agon too, so I know I'll probably screw up somewhere as I plan to take his character a little further than the usual. If anything, do continue to point out any of the mistakes I made! This fic has a lot of firsts

[banditscribe]

I didn't get to read the initial version of the chapter, but whatever you did through editing was well done...you've established the friendship between Mamori and Yamato, and you laid a solid foundation for their conversation. I think you have a very good grasp on Yamato's outlook and personality. :)

It was extremely interesting to compare Yamato and Hiruma in these two scenes. They actually share many of the same characteristics...Yamato is just more 'polished' (or civilized? lol)in how he presents himself and his ideas. Hiruma, for all his drive, ambition, scheming ways and clever planning, is really acting from his heart. Yamota is much more of a 'businessman' in his approach to football.

Looking forward to chapter six!!

[cherry_tiger]

Thank you! I initially made Yamato pretty dark, which made a number of reviewers worried as to what Yamato was up to. After a while, I realised that it would be a better idea to tone him down as I have no intention of making him villainous. I'm glad the edits made it easier for you to enjoy this chapter though! It's quite a relief!

And yeah, this is one of the reasons why I wanted to write this fic. Being able to explore these two men who're similar yet different at the same time. Of course, adding Mamori to the mix is pretty exciting too. XD

I'll do my best! Thank you for the review!