(no subject)
I think France should apologize for the stupid awful High Tension.
OK. First off. France needs to make slasher films? Has America and Takashi Miike not slaked your blood lust?
The movie starts out with two college girls, Marie and Alex, headed out to the remote family homestead of Alex so they can study for the weekend. Jarringly, we see creepyoldfatdisgustingguy getting a non-breathing blowjob from a decapitated head in his stupid repairman van in the middle of nowhere. This scene has no later bearing on the "film".
So, girls go home, meet the family -- mom, dad, adorable tot of a child brother -- and go to bed. Well, Alex goes to bed. Marie sits outside and smokes, watches Alex shower from a distant window, then goes inside to masturbate while creepyoldfatdisgustingguy pulls up to the remote farm and kills dad. This rouses Marie from her wonderful lesbo fantasies. She hides -- it's all very dramatic -- and sneaks downstairs to see Mom brutally murdered. She finds Alex all chained up, watches the 8 year old tot get blasted with a shot gun, tries to call the cops on a dead phone line, and ends up in creepyoldfatdisgustingguy's maintenance vehicle with Alex, who is a shreking sobbing mess.
OK.
And Alex has a horse's mouth.
Anyway, creepyoldfatdisgustingguy stops at a gas station. Marie manages to pick the truck lock with her giganamous butcher knife and runs inside for help. But creepyoldfatdisgustingguy follows her, kills the kindly gas station teenager, and hunts her. Eventually he tires, as he has SHIT TO DO, drives off, and she phones the cops.
Up until this point, I will admit tension. I will admit... it was pretty good, for a stupid random slasher movie half in French. But at this point... alright, Marie is ALL FREAKED THE FUCK OUT, and the cop is asking normal cop questions, and she HANGS UP THE PHONE because they won't send a car RIGHT THE FUCK NOW because THEY ARE ASKING HERE WHERE SHE IS so she SCREAMS AT THEM AND HANGS UP. Then she takes the dead clerks keys and drives off after Alex.
Do French cops not have a call tracking system?
So, big ol night slicked road chase. Whatever. Creepyoldfatdisgustingguy turns off to a wooded road, Alex follows, but with her lights off. I don't think turning your lights off but traveling 5 feet behind the car you are tailing is a great police proceedure, but who am I to say?
Apparently I am smart, because he tricks her, and ends up behind her, because HE CAN SHIFT TIME. He runs her off the road. Did you see that coming? Anyway, CAR FLIP. Alex crawls out, beaten and bloodied, and runs for safety. In a greenhouse.
Are all French people this stupid?
She actually does the coolest thing I have seen in a while. She's crouching, trying to hide, and she grabs a wooden stake that is part of a barbed wire fence. No, I do not know why that was there. Anyway, she pulls it out of the ground, and starts wrapping it up, making herself a big old cludgeon. It's pretty cool.
Then she makes her way toward the light of creepyoldfatdisgustingguy. But he hung his light on a belt! See! Cuz he's so smart! And then he attacks her from behind! With a plastic bag! And she collapses, and talks all sexual about Alex. And so Marie grabs her cludgeon and beats him silly.
And keeps beating him. And he dies. So she at least is smart.
The cops show up in a fucking MINI at the gas station. They watch the surveillence video.
Marie grabs his keys and heads back to the creepyoldfatdisgustingguy's maintenance truck. Unlocks it. Is so glad to see Marie. But Marie is screaming DON'T TOUCH ME and freaking out!
Why?
This is one of those stupid identity confusion movies! Where the killer is really the hero! Did you see that coming? Did you? I bet you didn't. I bet you weren't quaking in your gut fucking HOPING that wasn't the case like I was!
MARIE IS CREEPYOLDFATDISGUSTINGGUY! Yes! That's right! DEEP DOWN INSIDE EVERY FRENCH LESBIAN REALLY JUST WANTS TO BE A FAT OLD MAN.
Marie chases Alex, sometimes as herself, but mainly just as her inner self, CREEPYOLDFATDISGUSTINGGUY! Love love love, hate hate hate, chainsaw chainsaw chainsaw, and Marie is in a psychiatric ward.
LIKE ALL LESBIANS APPARENTLY NEED TO BE.
Seriously, France? I thought you were above these cliches. I thought you were CULTURED. I was OBVIOUSLY WRONG.
OK. First off. France needs to make slasher films? Has America and Takashi Miike not slaked your blood lust?
The movie starts out with two college girls, Marie and Alex, headed out to the remote family homestead of Alex so they can study for the weekend. Jarringly, we see creepyoldfatdisgustingguy getting a non-breathing blowjob from a decapitated head in his stupid repairman van in the middle of nowhere. This scene has no later bearing on the "film".
So, girls go home, meet the family -- mom, dad, adorable tot of a child brother -- and go to bed. Well, Alex goes to bed. Marie sits outside and smokes, watches Alex shower from a distant window, then goes inside to masturbate while creepyoldfatdisgustingguy pulls up to the remote farm and kills dad. This rouses Marie from her wonderful lesbo fantasies. She hides -- it's all very dramatic -- and sneaks downstairs to see Mom brutally murdered. She finds Alex all chained up, watches the 8 year old tot get blasted with a shot gun, tries to call the cops on a dead phone line, and ends up in creepyoldfatdisgustingguy's maintenance vehicle with Alex, who is a shreking sobbing mess.
OK.
And Alex has a horse's mouth.
Anyway, creepyoldfatdisgustingguy stops at a gas station. Marie manages to pick the truck lock with her giganamous butcher knife and runs inside for help. But creepyoldfatdisgustingguy follows her, kills the kindly gas station teenager, and hunts her. Eventually he tires, as he has SHIT TO DO, drives off, and she phones the cops.
Up until this point, I will admit tension. I will admit... it was pretty good, for a stupid random slasher movie half in French. But at this point... alright, Marie is ALL FREAKED THE FUCK OUT, and the cop is asking normal cop questions, and she HANGS UP THE PHONE because they won't send a car RIGHT THE FUCK NOW because THEY ARE ASKING HERE WHERE SHE IS so she SCREAMS AT THEM AND HANGS UP. Then she takes the dead clerks keys and drives off after Alex.
Do French cops not have a call tracking system?
So, big ol night slicked road chase. Whatever. Creepyoldfatdisgustingguy turns off to a wooded road, Alex follows, but with her lights off. I don't think turning your lights off but traveling 5 feet behind the car you are tailing is a great police proceedure, but who am I to say?
Apparently I am smart, because he tricks her, and ends up behind her, because HE CAN SHIFT TIME. He runs her off the road. Did you see that coming? Anyway, CAR FLIP. Alex crawls out, beaten and bloodied, and runs for safety. In a greenhouse.
Are all French people this stupid?
She actually does the coolest thing I have seen in a while. She's crouching, trying to hide, and she grabs a wooden stake that is part of a barbed wire fence. No, I do not know why that was there. Anyway, she pulls it out of the ground, and starts wrapping it up, making herself a big old cludgeon. It's pretty cool.
Then she makes her way toward the light of creepyoldfatdisgustingguy. But he hung his light on a belt! See! Cuz he's so smart! And then he attacks her from behind! With a plastic bag! And she collapses, and talks all sexual about Alex. And so Marie grabs her cludgeon and beats him silly.
And keeps beating him. And he dies. So she at least is smart.
The cops show up in a fucking MINI at the gas station. They watch the surveillence video.
Marie grabs his keys and heads back to the creepyoldfatdisgustingguy's maintenance truck. Unlocks it. Is so glad to see Marie. But Marie is screaming DON'T TOUCH ME and freaking out!
Why?
This is one of those stupid identity confusion movies! Where the killer is really the hero! Did you see that coming? Did you? I bet you didn't. I bet you weren't quaking in your gut fucking HOPING that wasn't the case like I was!
MARIE IS CREEPYOLDFATDISGUSTINGGUY! Yes! That's right! DEEP DOWN INSIDE EVERY FRENCH LESBIAN REALLY JUST WANTS TO BE A FAT OLD MAN.
Marie chases Alex, sometimes as herself, but mainly just as her inner self, CREEPYOLDFATDISGUSTINGGUY! Love love love, hate hate hate, chainsaw chainsaw chainsaw, and Marie is in a psychiatric ward.
LIKE ALL LESBIANS APPARENTLY NEED TO BE.
Seriously, France? I thought you were above these cliches. I thought you were CULTURED. I was OBVIOUSLY WRONG.