Well hello again.
It's been awhile since I've written.
I don't have Internet, and I hate actually typing in my phone.
Graham and I broke up a few weeks ago. It's totally cool. He needs to work out his shit and I really enjoy the idea of being friends with him because he can be a train wreck all he wants, on his own, as my friend, and I don't have to worry about molding him into forever.
He's a full fledged alcoholic.
I..... Wish I had more of a personality. I'm smug and condescending and pompous and a snob. I am nice and generous with people I'm close to, but not only do I not get close to people, but the people I do get close to, I still keep at arms length.
Kira asked me to be a bridesmaid and I want to lose weight, but also I'm amazed. How did I get one of the worlds greatest people and greatest of friends to like me this much, and keep liking me this much after this many years? Especially when, we would go out, she would talk to all of her other friends, bring me along, and I would barely say three words to her other friends.... Because I didn't think I was really in their class. They were higher class than me and I didn't acknowledge them. I always felt so much cooler for hanging out with her, but I never actually felt like I belonged. I belonged with her, but not with them. She belonged with them.
And they're going to be at the bachelorette weekend in Galveston. I should put down this beer...
At the same time, now, I think I'm hot shit. I am confident in the ways I didn't used to be.... Except maybe in the idea that I am worthy of anyone else. And that has manifested into an indifference. But the indifference is simply the shutting out of what is probably just social anxiety that I never realized. It's so much of a reality that I never saw it as something other than that, but it really is just social anxiety. I just don't let the anxiety part hit me. I shut things out before I can actually feel it.
This is a dismal post to break back into writing, especially since things are really so great. I've been pawn shopping and reselling designer jewelry and making thousands of extra dollars on top of my income.
It's mid April and I've made, what, $25k so far this year? That's right on track for six figures. But I'm sitting on a bunch of my capital in jewelry so I still feel (almost) as poor as ever. I'm sitting on like $15k worth of jewelry that I should sell but have decided I like too much. That may be a detriment to my entrepeneurial endeavors.... But oh well. I guess I have some backup for when I actually need it. I'm just cutting things a little close.
A whole bunch of people in all different parts of my life will see some of the jewelry I've bought intending to resell, and they ALL say, "No.... You just can't sell that piece. You'll regret it. It's too unique." My lawyer/singer friend was like, "Well, you can deduct the pieces you keep as a business expense. It's basically an advertisement for your business to wear it." So there's that.
I got really taken away with the idea of quitting my job in order to make this full time, decided I would give it four weeks to see if it would be consistent, and in week four..... My sales dropped off. Nothing. I sold almost $8k in three weeks.... And then nothing. So I guess I'll build some inventory and infrastructure while I keep my job. I should be able to make it after the summer, but will probably give it through next Christmas.
My GIA gemologist friend is constantly amazed at my eye. I saw this one gem that was so obviously a citrine. They pulled it out of the case and I saw just a slight increase in shine across the top. It could have been a very finely cut and expertly polished citrine.... Or it could be a sapphire. So I texted the picture to my GIA friend and she thought, by the color, maybe an imperial topaz. I told her it has the shine off the top like a sapphire. I know that sapphires can be any color, but I've never even fathomed a sapphire that color. I ordered my new refractometer that night on Amazon, got it for same day on prime, had it delivered the next day, and there it was - clearly reading as a sapphire. An orange/yellow/golden sapphire.
But great, rare gems don't sell. Well, they sell slowly. Antiques sell slowly. Designer pieces, though. I sold one piece within 20 minutes of putting it on eBay, for $1300 profit. And I haven't found a big(ish) name designer piece in like two weeks. I've even really ventured out into other towns, but nothing. I'll wait a little bit for them to replenish, stock up on some antiques and fabulous gems in the meantime, get those appraised for additional selling leverage, and approach it from all sides with more inventory. We'll see.
I feel about this like I felt when I auditioned for UNT. Like I was passing over the present time as if it was already written.