I feel like I've gone a little crazy.
My heart is doing weird flip-flops. Heartache, break, and mending
I have no idea how I'm going to live for the next few weeks and or months until I find a job. The deal was going to be that Grandma helped me out financially a bit for a little while, until I find a job. Now she's gone, and that realization is hitting me finally.
The moment I spoke aloud the notion of just quick getting any ol' job Bear reminded me that my grandmother didn't help me get a college education in the field I've most wanted to be in since before I could walk, just so that I can scrub toilets. She would be seriously sad if I didn't go out there and pursue a job that feeds my heart more than that. She most wanted that for me from my education at Mills.
My mother has had moments of clarity and penitence. She's begun to hear from my eldest brother a bit of what our lives were like while she was off traveling the world being a songwriter. She cried and apologized for things she'd done and been a part of. Not just in general terms. I've never seen her able to see and hear that she hadn't succeeded in being a sane loving parent. Huge amazing breakthroughs. I don't know how long this kind of change will last, but the door is open at least a tiny crack for healing and reconciliation. All those years I honestly deeply believed my mother never wanted me, and she told me so, she really did, and with her mother dying a lot of things are coming to the surface that hadn't been allowed to be surfaced before. So I'm having to revisit how events occurred, how she behaved, and my decisions to distance from her. It's weird to be asked for forgiveness I never thought would be on the table.
I have an incredibly loving partner in all of this. Bear has been amazing. Despite having his back go out on him, and not be up for the 15 hours of driving to, from and in southern CA he's been loving, generous, and supportive. He's put up with wet shoulders for a week and no complaints, done chores, held me, driven when it hurt, took time off of work to take care of me, and all sort of other things. Thank you Bear.
I have one more paper to do, tonight, the last of this College degree. Ever! I can't seem to focus on anything while my emotional state is as it is. Instructors and other folks have been incredibly patient with me, but I still know I have to just do it. No whining, just wipe the tears that keep flowing aside and focus on medieval guild law in Italy during the 11th through the 14th centuries.
The card that my grandmother bought me but never wrote in is sitting on the table, written in by the crazy aunt who I'm still feeling hurt and a little bit betrayed by. I think I feel a little funny about there being conditions written into the disbursal of estate funds such that she doesn't get anything until she gets therapy. She needs therapy and healing pretty badly, but I'm not sure I like that it's a condition sort of like bribery or extortion. I'd rather it just be that her family helps her out and supports positive change for her no matter what she does.
that motivation thing.... not really working so well. I was more of a mess internally when my father died, but I feel so dysfunctional and mostly just want to escape. I'm not really okay, still.