I understand your feelings. Completely. It's not fair, yet there is is. I've made a conscious choice to reduce my exposure to toxic people. It's not easy, and I'm not suggesting you forego any communication, I'm merely expressing my own resolution to reduce my toxic exposure.
Please remember, he makes his choices, not you. They are not a reflection of you, merely of his own limitations and decisions. I know you've gone way beyond supportive for him. Take a deep breath and consider learning how to re-direct the resulting negative feelings. Again, not easy, yet well worth it in the end.
You are wise to take a break for a bit. Find your happy place before walking back into that space. *hugs*
ugh. i'm SO sorry he's come to this... i hope it's the wake up call he's been waiting for.
i don't think you should feel torn on this one. when you're spent, you're spent. and boy did he spend you out.
i know it's cliche, but he's the only one who can fix his shit. which is not to say he's a lost cause, but there's only so much you can do (and have already done) - he has to do the rest himself.
p.s. if you need more of those warm-n-snuggly mood boosters, i could bring my new kitten over for some socializing and fuzzy goodness. ^_^
Its not a bad thing to let addicts know exactly how their actions have consequences.
He wore you out and now your done, you still love him but thats it. Line Drawn.
If he's an addict he has boundary issues, he has no idea when to quit. He doesn't know when to say mercy, tap out, stop riding the crazy train, or say "okay this level of bad, this level is as bad as I ever want bad to get. I'll stop now"
Your doomed if you have someone in your life like that and you don't have a giant wooden war hammer to bring down right on the line where they can't cross, or they won't have access to you and yours anymore. Your not a bad person or a bad brother if you do that.
I have been there but not with a family member. The experience was so scarring that I am still not able to read books or watch movies with lots of drug use in them (and this is 15 years later).
*hug*
My personal opinion would be to keep Owen away from him until he sobers up, but that is just my feeling.
Would perhaps a more structured system of goals help here? Something along the lines of "if you go to AA meetings and are clean for X days, then you can see Owen", "if you have been clean for X more days, then you are welcome in our home", etc. Some kind of very clear structure may keep you from having to constantly decide how to handle things, as then you just need to follow the rules that you have already set up. Also, then your brother knows what the rules are and knows exactly what the consequences will be if he doesn't follow them. Don't they have AA in jail?
Bargaining may or may not make any sense. According to Al-anon there's this recommendation to not focus on the addict's choice to partake or not partake... too much focus on that and the person learns that it's all about their addiction (or perhaps concealing it) and not about them as a human being. I say if you love 'em and want to see 'em, or can stand to see 'em, then see 'em. Just don't offer or give them any control in your life that they haven't demonstrated excellent responsibility for. No matter how bad people fuck up, we mustn't stop telling them we care. Your mileage may vary... these thoughts are worth exactly what you paid to hear them - nil.
That makes sense. However, it still means that you have to deal with the "can I deal with seeing this person" stress every single time you want to interact. Now, granted, I'm big on lists and structure, so for me having a pre-set structure (not bargaining, but just "this is how it is") would be helpful. Of course, this isn't an issue for me, as my current emotional situation results in absolutely no tolerance for this kind of stress. To survive, I'd have to have a "I love you but can't see you until you fix this problem" stance. I know that it is important to not define people as "addicts" and to always treat them with loving kindness. However, I personally feel that it is so easy to get sucked into the mess and drama of someone else's life that you have to have your limits set up clearly and in advance for everyone's sake. Thanks for the alternate perspective!
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I understand your feelings. Completely. It's not fair, yet there is is. I've made a conscious choice to reduce my exposure to toxic people. It's not easy, and I'm not suggesting you forego any communication, I'm merely expressing my own resolution to reduce my toxic exposure.
Please remember, he makes his choices, not you. They are not a reflection of you, merely of his own limitations and decisions. I know you've gone way beyond supportive for him. Take a deep breath and consider learning how to re-direct the resulting negative feelings. Again, not easy, yet well worth it in the end.
You are wise to take a break for a bit. Find your happy place before walking back into that space. *hugs*
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i don't think you should feel torn on this one. when you're spent, you're spent. and boy did he spend you out.
i know it's cliche, but he's the only one who can fix his shit. which is not to say he's a lost cause, but there's only so much you can do (and have already done) - he has to do the rest himself.
p.s. if you need more of those warm-n-snuggly mood boosters, i could bring my new kitten over for some socializing and fuzzy goodness. ^_^
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He wore you out and now your done, you still love him but thats it. Line Drawn.
If he's an addict he has boundary issues, he has no idea when to quit. He doesn't know when to say mercy, tap out, stop riding the crazy train, or say "okay this level of bad, this level is as bad as I ever want bad to get. I'll stop now"
Your doomed if you have someone in your life like that and you don't have a giant wooden war hammer to bring down right on the line where they can't cross, or they won't have access to you and yours anymore. Your not a bad person or a bad brother if you do that.
Your okay, stay that way. <3
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How long is he going to be in for? Hopefully long enough to get some help and figure out a new direction.
Would you consider letting your mom take Owen for a visit? I know you might not want to... I'd be hesitant to take a toddler to visit someone in jail.
::hug:: good luck with whatever you decide to do. You are Owen's dad and therefore know best :)
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*hug*
My personal opinion would be to keep Owen away from him until he sobers up, but that is just my feeling.
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