ok. its rough. but its done.

[chibi_evil]

this is a story i've had rattling around in my head since i was a sophmore in college.  for such a short story, its had a looong gestation time.  its not what i thought it was going ot be, and its really really rough.  i thought it was going to be a comic--and i'd still kinda like it to be a comic, but i don't know if it is. 
the main character is

Comments

[tiernsshadow]

It's good to see this story coming together. The concept is chilling. Here's the top things I thought while reading it:

-I'd like to know more about the main character and his wife - details?

-I wonder how fast this would actually happen. Like, if our sun went out, how long would it take for the earth to start steaming?

-I'm not much of an astronomer and I don't know if you are, but make sure the stars you name are all in the same region of the night sky. Also, consider how your narrator knows them well enough to name them.

Since you know it needs work, I won't get into the real nitpickiness - if you'd like more in-depth feedback, let me know and I'll print it out and take a pen to it.

awesome.

[chibi_evil]

-yeah. his wife was a surprise for me too. now that I know about her she'll show up earlier.

-I have no clue. i was guessing pretty damn fast--since stuff in space cools down almost immediatly--but i'm no physics major. this story might take some weighty research...ah well.

-i was pulling stars out of my brain. i almost had him see beetlejuice go out, but then i realzed that it already had, since orion went out. and i picked cleo 'cuase she'll always be in the sky. and i stil don't know how pro he is. tho i may be leaning toward astrologer. i don't know why. this story has some weird stuff to it.

it needs soooo much work, i think i'd appreciate a good in-depth feedback for it if you have the time. i don't know which direction i'm going to make it focus. i'm glad you like it well enough to comment!

It just has too many notes, that's all. Take out a few and it will be perfect.

[forceonature]

I have to disagree with Nicole. We don't need to know more about the family. It is enough that we know they are a family. You already included enough detail (the bear, the names, the conflicts) that we can empathize with their plight. Any more and we may not project ourselves upon them.

This needs more science. I'm not a physicist either but I'm fairly sure the earth would hold out for a little while longer. There's a lot of stored energy already in the system and we wouldn't bleed it all immediately thanks to the atmosphere.

Watch for repeats. You say "black" twice in the same sentence, and you like the word "long" too much. Look over your sentences twice more for comma abuse. There should almost never be three or more commas in one sentence.

"has finally gotten to rest in his" you may want to rephrase this. Gotten is an awkward word.

I know you must love "perchance I will dream", but dropping the Hamlet in there is more distracting than anything else.