Just Something About Me
There's something that I'm coming to terms with. It's been a problem of mine for as long as I can remember and I feel that it gets dismissed when I bring it up to others. So this is just me sharing.
When I open up to others in an attempt to start a friendship, it takes a lot out of me. I get anxiety over what to say and how to approach people. I even have to try and give myself a pep-talk before I press "send" (even with people that I've known for ages). I try to be as kind and open-minded as I can so I can come across as friendly without offending anyone. I don't see it as deceiving: more like I may be trying too hard. I get excited when someone wants to talk to me for that first time....and actually wants to continue talking after that. The process of "making friends" has always been difficult for me and lately I feel that I've been getting the hang of it.
However...
I am aware that I have no fucking clue how to handle when someone I considered a friend or even an acquaintance decides to stop talking to me. I'm not talking about being too busy and life getting in the way. I completely understand that and I am guilty of that myself. Just a little disclaimer: there's no way that this post is an attempt at calling myself the "perfect" friend. What I mean is when they decide to block me on social media out of the blue. Or just flat-out ignore me. Most people would probably be a bit hurt, but would move on because it wasn't that close of a friendship.
With me, it's not so simple.
I literally feel a tight pain in my chest when I think about it or see that person around. I feel that I've done something wrong. I feel like I must have driven the person away because they seem alright with others.
There are several of you who I've gone to every time this happens to me, and I appreciate it so much. I know that I sound like a broken record and it may be too much, but I want to let you know that you're very special to me (even if I don't always say it). I've been called over-sensitive ever since I was a kid. I would cry for everything and get made fun of for it. I don't get laughed at now, but I do get told to get over it from time to time.
Trust me: I wish I could.
For me, it's not as simple as "You didn't need them in your life anyway" or "It's their loss". I feel like it IS a loss for me.
It may not make sense, but that is me. Making friends is something that brings up bad memories. Lately, I feel like I never should have tried again in the first place.
tl;dr
I blame myself for everything and apparently don't know how to handle losing friends.
When I open up to others in an attempt to start a friendship, it takes a lot out of me. I get anxiety over what to say and how to approach people. I even have to try and give myself a pep-talk before I press "send" (even with people that I've known for ages). I try to be as kind and open-minded as I can so I can come across as friendly without offending anyone. I don't see it as deceiving: more like I may be trying too hard. I get excited when someone wants to talk to me for that first time....and actually wants to continue talking after that. The process of "making friends" has always been difficult for me and lately I feel that I've been getting the hang of it.
However...
I am aware that I have no fucking clue how to handle when someone I considered a friend or even an acquaintance decides to stop talking to me. I'm not talking about being too busy and life getting in the way. I completely understand that and I am guilty of that myself. Just a little disclaimer: there's no way that this post is an attempt at calling myself the "perfect" friend. What I mean is when they decide to block me on social media out of the blue. Or just flat-out ignore me. Most people would probably be a bit hurt, but would move on because it wasn't that close of a friendship.
With me, it's not so simple.
I literally feel a tight pain in my chest when I think about it or see that person around. I feel that I've done something wrong. I feel like I must have driven the person away because they seem alright with others.
There are several of you who I've gone to every time this happens to me, and I appreciate it so much. I know that I sound like a broken record and it may be too much, but I want to let you know that you're very special to me (even if I don't always say it). I've been called over-sensitive ever since I was a kid. I would cry for everything and get made fun of for it. I don't get laughed at now, but I do get told to get over it from time to time.
Trust me: I wish I could.
For me, it's not as simple as "You didn't need them in your life anyway" or "It's their loss". I feel like it IS a loss for me.
It may not make sense, but that is me. Making friends is something that brings up bad memories. Lately, I feel like I never should have tried again in the first place.
tl;dr
I blame myself for everything and apparently don't know how to handle losing friends.