What is the velocity of an unladen swallow?
MERLIN THOUGHTS, EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE TOTALLY LATE, BUT WHATEVER, IT'S NOT LIKE THERE IS A BAD TIME TO TALK ABOUT MERLIN.
THIS SCENE OH MY SWEET BABY JESUS. I just! I can't even! I CANNOT COHERENTLY DISCUSS THIS SCENE. Because omg it is everything I want from Merlin and Arthur when they grow up (plus I want makeouts and if there had been a cut where Arthur turned around and looked over his shoulder and Merlin gave him a small smile, I honestly would have died and gone to heaven). Merlin is so reverent! Arthur is so srstimes! Together they take on the world! And the tender way Merlin treats Arthur is just, lkasjflksjfl. HE LOVES HIM SO MUCH YOU GUYS.
omg, BRADLEY'S PUPPY FACE. I can't. I can't even. Look at the little wibbly lip and the big sad eyes! I just want to pick him up and rub his belly until his leg starts kicking involuntarily.
And then Colin's "thinking bout my boyfriend" face! ALSKJDFLSKDJFLKSD. FIRST TWO MINUTES: ALREADY SLAIN DEAD.
OH HEY GWEN, LOOK AT YOU, SHOWING UP IN A SCENE DURING WHICH I ACTUALLY DIDN'T WANT TO PUNCH YOUR FACE IN.
IDK, some people thought this scene was weird, but I liked it. It seemed very S1 to me (I think partially because of Gwen's hair? It was very S1 hair, which I think is much more flattering. This new hair down thing they've been doing I think really does not do her favors, and look how pretty she is with her hair done up softly like this!). Gwen and Merlin have an adorable teasing friendship, Gwen actually acts like Arthur is a HUMAN BEING instead of an animated concept of royalty, Merlin is adorable and protective.
Ugh. It just reminds me of how much potential Arthur and Gwen had season 1, where she respected him as a prince and future king, but also thought he was a total tool and had no trouble saying it, when she used to be her own person and actually DID stuff instead of walking around the castle telling Arthur what to do and being totally passive-aggressive about her feelings and affection. I miss Gwen having that little spark of life and sass and endearingness. WHERE DID YOU GO, SPARK. YOU SHOW YOURSELF THIS SCENE AND I MISSED YOU SO MUCH AND I LOVED YOU.
You will see the winner of the FAAAAAAAAAAAAACE of the episode award later, but Colin Morgan's constipated chipmunk face came in a close second. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.
DOMESTIC OLD MARRIED PEOPLE!!!!! <3 <3 <3 Ugh, this is all I want from Arthur and Merlin forever, the gentle mocking and sharing of information when they take two seconds to stop flirting with each other through verbal harassment.Though I think I'd be more excited if this wasn't the same scene we've seen, like, eight billion times before. It's like whoever writes Merlin has come up with a set level of scenarios where they feel Arthur and Merlin are suitably un-gay enough - the Merlin-annoys-Arthur-while-serving-him scene and the Merlin-gives-advice-before-hardship scene. Seriously, can we have some other kind of scene between the two of them? How about a campfire scene? And Arthur cares about Merlin scene? Something? Anything? Beuller?
This is Merlin's reaction to Arthur telling him he's decided to go journey into somewhere named "The Perilous Lands". He's all "Really, Arthur? Really? Do you not remember what happens on EVERY QUEST YOU GO ON EVER? Couldn't you have chosen a better quest like, the quest to give me a dozen orgasms in the space of an hour? That would be quite noble and impressive."
I'm really enjoying this whole not hating Gwen stint, so I'm going to continue it for as long as physically possible. GWEN, YOU ARE SO ADORABLE RIGHT NOW.
Also, I like that color on her, but I really love her in golds. I miss that from season 1. They've gone for a more pink and purple princess color scheme which I get, but I love sunny yellows and golds on people who can pull them off, and I ESPECIALLY love warm and sunny colors on women (or men) with darker skin, because it looks awesome. GOLD IS REGAL TOO, COSTUME DEPARTMENT. FYI.
omg if they ever gave Gwen a crimson and gold velvet dress, that would be AWESOME and look AWESOME and they should do that. I sincerely request this for the inevitable Queen Gwen scenes - MAKE HER DRESS AT LEAST BE AMAZING SO I CAN TAKE REFUGE IN THAT.
Obligatory awkward Arthur/Gwen moment! This made me realize that I have exactly three problems with Arthur and Gwen together. Well, I have a lot, but they focus on three main points. This illustrates my first point very well, which is THERE IS NO FUCKING CHEMISTRY. This isn't, like, an acting critique. Even the greatest actor in the world cannot fake chemistry. And Bradley and Angel have NO chemistry with each other. They both have tons with almost everyone else in the show, but I think it was a massive casting oversight to not thing OH GEE GWEN AND ARTHUR ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET TOGETHER, WE SHOULD MAYBE SEE IF THEY CAN CONVINCINGLY MACK ON EACH OTHER.
Seriously, COULD THIS HAVE BEEN ANY MORE AWKWARD? It reminded me very, VERY strongly of two of the most awkward TV kisses of all time. Namely, Liz and Wesley's kiss in 30 Rock (it's at the very end of that video). I was all WHY IS YOUR FACE LIKE THAT. Also, whenever Bradley and Angel go into a kiss, you can TELL it's coming, because they get this face that reminds me of the Chandler and Phoebe kiss from Friends. It's the "I'm going to kiss you now!" face. And it makes me uncomfortable.
Here is a primer in CHEMISTRY, WHAT IT CAN DO FOR YOU. Now, in no way is this a textually sexy scene. It's hardly even a friendly moment. And yet! Look at that faaaaaaaaaaaace.
And some faaaaaaaaace in return. I mean seriously. I recognized this immediately as from this day of filming (how much of a nerd am I? SO MUCH), which means it's also the day this picture happened. SEE. SEE? THIS IS WHAT CHEMISTRY LOOKS LIKE WHEN IT WORKS. IT LOOKS LIKE LOOOOOOOOOOOVE.
So much of this could be avoided if Arthur just had the heart to tell Morgana that that bracelet just didn't go with his outfit.
So in order to save his boyfriend, Merlin goes to find Gwaine, the dude who keeps trying to break them up so he can get into Merlin's pants. AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM, Merlin's pretty delicious. So when Merlin shows up Gwaine's all HAY GURL HAY, I HEAR THERE'S A ROOM WE COULD GO TO ABOVE THIS PUB, BUT I ALSO KNOW WHERE THE CONVENIENT HAY TO TUMBLE INTO IS.
And Merlin's all OH YOU. Because let's face it, Gwaine isn't exactly... relationship material. MERLIN LIKES SOME STABILITY IN HIS MAN.
I appreciate two things about this part. One, that when the little bridge guy mentioned needing magic, Arthur was like "but daddy said I wasn't supposed to!" and then made a little "huh" face. HE IS THINKING ABOUT IT. (That was all Bradley. I know that was all Bradley, because Bradley is so into the magic reveal. BLESS HIS COTTON FANGIRLY SOCKS.)
I also appreciate that, despite being an avowed Colin girl, Bradley was super hot this episode.
I call this the next section the GWAINE'S ATTEMPTS AT SEDUCTON:
Attempt one! Be worldly and well-traveled. He's gone to very dangerous places, Merlin!
And Merlin's all "that's nice. Do you see my boyfriend?" Attempt one, thwarted!
Attempt two! Gwaine knows that Merlin appreciates a man of action, so he tries to be one! Only Merlin doesn't seem that into it.
Also, he gets horribly emasculated. Attempt two is a failure.
Attempt three! Gwaine knows how much Merlin loves intimate campfires. He even tries heartfelt declarations of devotion! Gwaine, however, made the rookie mistake of having said romantic campfire where there are GIANT SCREECHY BLOODTHIRSTY THINGS, so instead of thinking about how the firelight looks playing over Gwaine's chiseled features, Merlin is sort of awkwardly going along with it and nervously rubbing his legs and probably worrying over his boyfriend. Attempt three: failed.
Though can you blame him? LOOK AT THIS ROYAL MOTHERFUCKER. LOOK AT THAT REGAL PROFILE.
I MEAN REALLY.
By the way, there's some argument over the fact that Merlin had to come save Arthur. Personally, I don't see the problem. Arthur got 99% of the way through without the other two half of the THINGS HE WAS TOLD HE NEEDED. (Which was kind of dumb of him to go along without having what he needed to do the actual quest, but whatever, he was never going to seek out magic or admit he needed help, anyway.) And not only did he do it alone, he did while someone was magically draining the life force out of him. And Merlin's in perfect health but needs to bring Gwaine along.
PLUS! If the Fisher King is right, Arthur was FATED to fail, because Merlin was FATED to come along, which only adds to my belief that fate is fixed in this universe and the Dragon is a guilt-tripping asshole.
So I was all thinking "OH BRADLEY WINS THE HOTNESS AWARD THIS EPISODE" and then WHAM, out comes Colin Morgan with the panting backlit profile. It's like you know my weaknesses, good sir.
Normally I think that the CGI is pretty awful in this show, but these things? SOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
Anyway, so Merlin defeats him with his sexy Dragon Lord powers of sex, and then Arthur wakes from his convenient unconsciousness like this:
Aside from OMG I WANT TO WAKE UP LIKE THAT EVERY MORNING OMG BEST ALARM CLOCK EVER, HOW FUCKING PRECIOUS IS THAT. Look at that HAI BOIFRAND ILU face. I'm pretty sure what they originally intended for the music track was this, but they couldn't get the rights:
FOR REALS, sync those two up. Arthur's all MERLIN, HELLO! IS IT MEEEE YOU'RE LOOKING FOOOOR? CAUSE HE CAN SEE IT IN MERLIN'S EYES, AND HE CAN SEE IT IN HIS SMILE. As usual, anyone who makes me this fanvid wins my eternal soul. I need to, like, create a wishlist for ridiculous fanvids, because I have so many ideas and less than no ability to make them reality.
I MEAN LOOK AT THAT BIG GORMLESS I LOVE YOU SMILE.
LOOK HOW MUCH MERLIN MISSED HIS BOYFRIEND, EVEN WHEN HE'S BEING A LITTLE DOUCHE.
And this is the face of a man who's just realized he doesn't have an icecube's chance in hell.
Interesting note - when it comes to reaching in the buggy hole to save Merlin, Gwaine's all "ewwww, legs", and Arthur's the one who reaches his hand in and does it.
Though he makes this face, which wins for best of the episode. OH BRADLEY. But yes, Arthur! Willing to go the distance for his man. Gwaine! Would rather go to a bar. Perhaps it's because he just got rejected so hard that we could feel it through time and space.
COLIN I LOVE YOU AND YOU WIN ALL THE COOKIES FOR THIS SCENE.
And SO HOT jfc.
Oh good! The Fisher King finally approved Merlin for his time turner. Now he can take Advanced Herbology and Ancient Runes!
lkasjflksdjflksj my panties.
Oh Colin Morgan, you own my soul. One day, you will win Oscars and BAFTAs and I will pretend I knew you back when.
Also, this is THE COOLEST SCENE EVER. The best episodes are when they get all legend-y instead of being like HERE IS A RANDOM CREATURE OF THE WEEK, QUICK GAIUS AND MERLIN, DO SOME MAGIC AND GET NO CREDIT.
COLIN FUCKING MORGAN.
Anyway, so Arthur and Gwaine get in, which makes me wonder how much they heard of that exchange (answer, of course none!), and Arthur is happy to see Merlin but totally incapable of showing his emotions because he is EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED.
In case anyone's wondering how Merlin feels about Arthur v. Gwaine, let's look at Merlin's little :DDDDDD face when Arthur pats his arm.
Versus his awkward smile when Gwaine hugs him like THIS IS NICE NOW WHY ARE WE HUGGING OMG YOU ARE STRANGE.
This awkward hug interrupted by Arthur being all OMG STABBY THING!
And Merlin's all THAT'S MY HUBBY, and Gwaine's all FAAAAAAAAAHCK.
I think this sums up... the entire episode.
Okay, I am pleased Gwen got to get on the clue bus with Morgana, though I'm not sure I like her whole MAGIC IS EVIL conclusion, but whatever. It was pretty damn obvious WAY EARLIER what was going on, but everyone in Camelot is kind of mostly stupid, so I suppose we should be pleased that they allowed Gwen to figure anything out at all.
Though Gwen, a tip. If you have just figured out that Morgana is EVIL and TRYING TO KILL ARTHUR, you don't yelp out OH THANK GOD in front of her when Arthur returns. It kind of gives up the game, yo.
So while Uther was all ARTHUR YOU ARE FINALLY GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, it was like a GIANT LIGHTBULB WENT OFF IN MY HEAD. Here are the last two things that bother me about Arthur/Gwen: one, you can't be a fan of Arthur and a fan of Gwen, because eventually you will ALWAYS HAVE TO CHOOSE, and especially because two, Arthur will never be good enough for Gwen.
Gwen doesn't love Arthur. Oh, yes, she likes him. She likes him a lot, and she cares for him. She may even love him. But she isn't in love with him. She's in love with the idea of the king Arthur will become (she's only said that A MILLION TIMES). If she really liked Arthur, she would like him ALL the time. She wouldn't have been so revolted by him season one. If she really liked him, he'd be fine with him the way he is. When Arthur was a brat, she'd love him. When Arthur was cranky, she'd love him. When Arthur was selfish, she'd love him. But she doesn't. Her love is completely conditional. She's always all "do this for me", and "be better for me" and "go on your super important quest that has nothing to do with me and I made fun of just a few hours ago. FOR ME."
In short, the way she loves him is exactly the way Uther loves him.
Oh, I'm not saying Gwen is anything like Uther. She isn't at ALL. But her love for Arthur is the same as Uther's. Yes, she does love him, but he will never be enough. There's always going to be one more hurdle Arthur has to go through. He'll spend his entire life trying to please her and he'll never do it. Because you know who she's trying to make him into - she's trying to make him into Lancelot. She loves Lancelot, but he's not steady. Arthur's steady. But Arthur's not anything else Lancelot is besides brave and good at killing stuff. So she figures, why not make him into that person? It's a noble thing to do. I mean, Arthur does need a bit of a personality make-over as far as the brattiness goes, but to make love conditional on that? To emotionally manipulate someone like that? Uncool. Exactly what Uther does, and not any cooler if you do it when you're a pretty girl.
And it's for this reason we get to my last reason on my list of reasons why Arthur/Gwen is a terrible pairing and I am totally bewildered as to why I'm supposed to care if they get together or not - if you're a fan of Arthur, there's no way you want to see him with Gwen. If you're a fan of Gwen, of course you want to see her with Arthur, because Arthur's all noble and handsome and doesn't run away all the time like Lancelot. Of course he's the better choice! And did we mention he's really hot! This is totally a fairytale romance!
But if you like Arthur, how could you possibly ever want him to end up with Gwen. Not only is Gwen emotionally manipulative of him, she's never THERE for him except to pop up and lecture him on what he's supposed to do. She doesn't love him. Gwen would not give up everything for Arthur. Gwen would not sacrifice her life for Arthur. She wouldn't sacrifice her wayward brother she hadn't seen in years for Arthur. You know who would? Merlin. If you liked Arthur, if you really like Arthur, you'd want him to be with Merlin, because Merlin would do ANYTHING for him. Merlin's love for Arthur, regardless of if it's sexual or not, is unconditional. He'd follow Arthur to the ends of the earth. He'd sacrifice his own mother for Arthur. He'd lay down his life for Arthur's without a second thought. If you, as a fan, loved Arthur, that's the kind of person you'd want to see him end up with, not someone who's going to cheat on him and break his tiny, sensitive heart into a million weeny pieces.
Arthur loving Gwen makes psychological sense. Arthur doesn't know what it is to really be loved by someone. He's never been really loved by someone. The only love he's ever known is from Uther and maybe some nursemaids when he was little. A love like Merlin's, which is so absolute and all-consuming, while he might feel it, is not something he's capable of comprehending. He understands loving your men and your country and being willing to die for them, and he understands loyalty. But he doesn't understand actual, one-on-one, interpersonal relationships. And why should he? He's got no experience with them. He's the loneliest, saddest boy in the world.
So of course, when he went and decided to fall in love for the first time, he went for someone who lectured him and rebuffed him and made him work for it. Of course he went for someone impossible to have. He doesn't know how not to. But what doesn't make sense is why Gwen's toying with him. You can either be on Team Gwen and be all "SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK!" or on Team Arthur and be all "BUT SHE IS DOING IT AT THE COST OF ARTHUR'S HEART". You can't be both.
And if you can't be both, how the friggidy frack are you supposed to ship these two?
EDIT! clevermonikerr made some good points I should clarify re: my thoughts on Arthur/Gwen.
1. I do think Gwen likes Arthur and I do not think she is manipulating him on purpose. But I still think she's manipulating him.
2. I think Gwen likes Arthur but will always like Lancelot more, and is only giving Arthur a chance because Lancelot isn't around. (See: 2.04 campfire scene of awkward. She doesn't care about Arthur, she wants to know where Lancelot is.) Arthur is the best choice she has, and she does like him, so she goes for it.
3. There's nothing wrong with trying to move on, but to move on to a relationship with a guy who clearly likes you a lot more than you like him and string him along and make him think he's your one and only? DOUCHE MOVE. Arthur's made it abundantly clear he's willing to do anything for her. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER SIGNAL. Any decent person would be like "look, you're hot and I'd tap that, but I'm just not that into you". But no. She keeps on keeping on, not being as into Arthur as he is into her, because she's like WHATEVER I CAN MAKE IT WORK.
SELFISH DOUCHE MOVE.
4. It is never wrong to try to make the best of a bad situation. It is never wrong, after your heart has been broken, to try flirting with some dudes. It is always wrong to lead someone on. It is always wrong to continue a relationship that only benefits you and will break the other party's heart. It is forgivable if Gwen didn't know to keep on being oblivious. But after what's happened this season and what Arthur's explicitly said and done for her, her not knowing is also unforgivably stupid.
THIS SCENE OH MY SWEET BABY JESUS. I just! I can't even! I CANNOT COHERENTLY DISCUSS THIS SCENE. Because omg it is everything I want from Merlin and Arthur when they grow up (plus I want makeouts and if there had been a cut where Arthur turned around and looked over his shoulder and Merlin gave him a small smile, I honestly would have died and gone to heaven). Merlin is so reverent! Arthur is so srstimes! Together they take on the world! And the tender way Merlin treats Arthur is just, lkasjflksjfl. HE LOVES HIM SO MUCH YOU GUYS.
omg, BRADLEY'S PUPPY FACE. I can't. I can't even. Look at the little wibbly lip and the big sad eyes! I just want to pick him up and rub his belly until his leg starts kicking involuntarily.
And then Colin's "thinking bout my boyfriend" face! ALSKJDFLSKDJFLKSD. FIRST TWO MINUTES: ALREADY SLAIN DEAD.
OH HEY GWEN, LOOK AT YOU, SHOWING UP IN A SCENE DURING WHICH I ACTUALLY DIDN'T WANT TO PUNCH YOUR FACE IN.
IDK, some people thought this scene was weird, but I liked it. It seemed very S1 to me (I think partially because of Gwen's hair? It was very S1 hair, which I think is much more flattering. This new hair down thing they've been doing I think really does not do her favors, and look how pretty she is with her hair done up softly like this!). Gwen and Merlin have an adorable teasing friendship, Gwen actually acts like Arthur is a HUMAN BEING instead of an animated concept of royalty, Merlin is adorable and protective.
Ugh. It just reminds me of how much potential Arthur and Gwen had season 1, where she respected him as a prince and future king, but also thought he was a total tool and had no trouble saying it, when she used to be her own person and actually DID stuff instead of walking around the castle telling Arthur what to do and being totally passive-aggressive about her feelings and affection. I miss Gwen having that little spark of life and sass and endearingness. WHERE DID YOU GO, SPARK. YOU SHOW YOURSELF THIS SCENE AND I MISSED YOU SO MUCH AND I LOVED YOU.
You will see the winner of the FAAAAAAAAAAAAACE of the episode award later, but Colin Morgan's constipated chipmunk face came in a close second. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.
DOMESTIC OLD MARRIED PEOPLE!!!!! <3 <3 <3 Ugh, this is all I want from Arthur and Merlin forever, the gentle mocking and sharing of information when they take two seconds to stop flirting with each other through verbal harassment.Though I think I'd be more excited if this wasn't the same scene we've seen, like, eight billion times before. It's like whoever writes Merlin has come up with a set level of scenarios where they feel Arthur and Merlin are suitably un-gay enough - the Merlin-annoys-Arthur-while-serving-him scene and the Merlin-gives-advice-before-hardship scene. Seriously, can we have some other kind of scene between the two of them? How about a campfire scene? And Arthur cares about Merlin scene? Something? Anything? Beuller?
This is Merlin's reaction to Arthur telling him he's decided to go journey into somewhere named "The Perilous Lands". He's all "Really, Arthur? Really? Do you not remember what happens on EVERY QUEST YOU GO ON EVER? Couldn't you have chosen a better quest like, the quest to give me a dozen orgasms in the space of an hour? That would be quite noble and impressive."
I'm really enjoying this whole not hating Gwen stint, so I'm going to continue it for as long as physically possible. GWEN, YOU ARE SO ADORABLE RIGHT NOW.
Also, I like that color on her, but I really love her in golds. I miss that from season 1. They've gone for a more pink and purple princess color scheme which I get, but I love sunny yellows and golds on people who can pull them off, and I ESPECIALLY love warm and sunny colors on women (or men) with darker skin, because it looks awesome. GOLD IS REGAL TOO, COSTUME DEPARTMENT. FYI.
omg if they ever gave Gwen a crimson and gold velvet dress, that would be AWESOME and look AWESOME and they should do that. I sincerely request this for the inevitable Queen Gwen scenes - MAKE HER DRESS AT LEAST BE AMAZING SO I CAN TAKE REFUGE IN THAT.
Obligatory awkward Arthur/Gwen moment! This made me realize that I have exactly three problems with Arthur and Gwen together. Well, I have a lot, but they focus on three main points. This illustrates my first point very well, which is THERE IS NO FUCKING CHEMISTRY. This isn't, like, an acting critique. Even the greatest actor in the world cannot fake chemistry. And Bradley and Angel have NO chemistry with each other. They both have tons with almost everyone else in the show, but I think it was a massive casting oversight to not thing OH GEE GWEN AND ARTHUR ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET TOGETHER, WE SHOULD MAYBE SEE IF THEY CAN CONVINCINGLY MACK ON EACH OTHER.
Seriously, COULD THIS HAVE BEEN ANY MORE AWKWARD? It reminded me very, VERY strongly of two of the most awkward TV kisses of all time. Namely, Liz and Wesley's kiss in 30 Rock (it's at the very end of that video). I was all WHY IS YOUR FACE LIKE THAT. Also, whenever Bradley and Angel go into a kiss, you can TELL it's coming, because they get this face that reminds me of the Chandler and Phoebe kiss from Friends. It's the "I'm going to kiss you now!" face. And it makes me uncomfortable.
Here is a primer in CHEMISTRY, WHAT IT CAN DO FOR YOU. Now, in no way is this a textually sexy scene. It's hardly even a friendly moment. And yet! Look at that faaaaaaaaaaaace.
And some faaaaaaaaace in return. I mean seriously. I recognized this immediately as from this day of filming (how much of a nerd am I? SO MUCH), which means it's also the day this picture happened. SEE. SEE? THIS IS WHAT CHEMISTRY LOOKS LIKE WHEN IT WORKS. IT LOOKS LIKE LOOOOOOOOOOOVE.
So much of this could be avoided if Arthur just had the heart to tell Morgana that that bracelet just didn't go with his outfit.
So in order to save his boyfriend, Merlin goes to find Gwaine, the dude who keeps trying to break them up so he can get into Merlin's pants. AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM, Merlin's pretty delicious. So when Merlin shows up Gwaine's all HAY GURL HAY, I HEAR THERE'S A ROOM WE COULD GO TO ABOVE THIS PUB, BUT I ALSO KNOW WHERE THE CONVENIENT HAY TO TUMBLE INTO IS.
And Merlin's all OH YOU. Because let's face it, Gwaine isn't exactly... relationship material. MERLIN LIKES SOME STABILITY IN HIS MAN.
I appreciate two things about this part. One, that when the little bridge guy mentioned needing magic, Arthur was like "but daddy said I wasn't supposed to!" and then made a little "huh" face. HE IS THINKING ABOUT IT. (That was all Bradley. I know that was all Bradley, because Bradley is so into the magic reveal. BLESS HIS COTTON FANGIRLY SOCKS.)
I also appreciate that, despite being an avowed Colin girl, Bradley was super hot this episode.
I call this the next section the GWAINE'S ATTEMPTS AT SEDUCTON:
Attempt one! Be worldly and well-traveled. He's gone to very dangerous places, Merlin!
And Merlin's all "that's nice. Do you see my boyfriend?" Attempt one, thwarted!
Attempt two! Gwaine knows that Merlin appreciates a man of action, so he tries to be one! Only Merlin doesn't seem that into it.
Also, he gets horribly emasculated. Attempt two is a failure.
Attempt three! Gwaine knows how much Merlin loves intimate campfires. He even tries heartfelt declarations of devotion! Gwaine, however, made the rookie mistake of having said romantic campfire where there are GIANT SCREECHY BLOODTHIRSTY THINGS, so instead of thinking about how the firelight looks playing over Gwaine's chiseled features, Merlin is sort of awkwardly going along with it and nervously rubbing his legs and probably worrying over his boyfriend. Attempt three: failed.
Though can you blame him? LOOK AT THIS ROYAL MOTHERFUCKER. LOOK AT THAT REGAL PROFILE.
I MEAN REALLY.
By the way, there's some argument over the fact that Merlin had to come save Arthur. Personally, I don't see the problem. Arthur got 99% of the way through without the other two half of the THINGS HE WAS TOLD HE NEEDED. (Which was kind of dumb of him to go along without having what he needed to do the actual quest, but whatever, he was never going to seek out magic or admit he needed help, anyway.) And not only did he do it alone, he did while someone was magically draining the life force out of him. And Merlin's in perfect health but needs to bring Gwaine along.
PLUS! If the Fisher King is right, Arthur was FATED to fail, because Merlin was FATED to come along, which only adds to my belief that fate is fixed in this universe and the Dragon is a guilt-tripping asshole.
So I was all thinking "OH BRADLEY WINS THE HOTNESS AWARD THIS EPISODE" and then WHAM, out comes Colin Morgan with the panting backlit profile. It's like you know my weaknesses, good sir.
Normally I think that the CGI is pretty awful in this show, but these things? SOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
Anyway, so Merlin defeats him with his sexy Dragon Lord powers of sex, and then Arthur wakes from his convenient unconsciousness like this:
Aside from OMG I WANT TO WAKE UP LIKE THAT EVERY MORNING OMG BEST ALARM CLOCK EVER, HOW FUCKING PRECIOUS IS THAT. Look at that HAI BOIFRAND ILU face. I'm pretty sure what they originally intended for the music track was this, but they couldn't get the rights:
Click to viewFOR REALS, sync those two up. Arthur's all MERLIN, HELLO! IS IT MEEEE YOU'RE LOOKING FOOOOR? CAUSE HE CAN SEE IT IN MERLIN'S EYES, AND HE CAN SEE IT IN HIS SMILE. As usual, anyone who makes me this fanvid wins my eternal soul. I need to, like, create a wishlist for ridiculous fanvids, because I have so many ideas and less than no ability to make them reality.
I MEAN LOOK AT THAT BIG GORMLESS I LOVE YOU SMILE.
LOOK HOW MUCH MERLIN MISSED HIS BOYFRIEND, EVEN WHEN HE'S BEING A LITTLE DOUCHE.
And this is the face of a man who's just realized he doesn't have an icecube's chance in hell.
Interesting note - when it comes to reaching in the buggy hole to save Merlin, Gwaine's all "ewwww, legs", and Arthur's the one who reaches his hand in and does it.
Though he makes this face, which wins for best of the episode. OH BRADLEY. But yes, Arthur! Willing to go the distance for his man. Gwaine! Would rather go to a bar. Perhaps it's because he just got rejected so hard that we could feel it through time and space.
COLIN I LOVE YOU AND YOU WIN ALL THE COOKIES FOR THIS SCENE.
And SO HOT jfc.
Oh good! The Fisher King finally approved Merlin for his time turner. Now he can take Advanced Herbology and Ancient Runes!
lkasjflksdjflksj my panties.
Oh Colin Morgan, you own my soul. One day, you will win Oscars and BAFTAs and I will pretend I knew you back when.
Also, this is THE COOLEST SCENE EVER. The best episodes are when they get all legend-y instead of being like HERE IS A RANDOM CREATURE OF THE WEEK, QUICK GAIUS AND MERLIN, DO SOME MAGIC AND GET NO CREDIT.
COLIN FUCKING MORGAN.
Anyway, so Arthur and Gwaine get in, which makes me wonder how much they heard of that exchange (answer, of course none!), and Arthur is happy to see Merlin but totally incapable of showing his emotions because he is EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED.
In case anyone's wondering how Merlin feels about Arthur v. Gwaine, let's look at Merlin's little :DDDDDD face when Arthur pats his arm.
Versus his awkward smile when Gwaine hugs him like THIS IS NICE NOW WHY ARE WE HUGGING OMG YOU ARE STRANGE.
This awkward hug interrupted by Arthur being all OMG STABBY THING!
And Merlin's all THAT'S MY HUBBY, and Gwaine's all FAAAAAAAAAHCK.
I think this sums up... the entire episode.
Okay, I am pleased Gwen got to get on the clue bus with Morgana, though I'm not sure I like her whole MAGIC IS EVIL conclusion, but whatever. It was pretty damn obvious WAY EARLIER what was going on, but everyone in Camelot is kind of mostly stupid, so I suppose we should be pleased that they allowed Gwen to figure anything out at all.
Though Gwen, a tip. If you have just figured out that Morgana is EVIL and TRYING TO KILL ARTHUR, you don't yelp out OH THANK GOD in front of her when Arthur returns. It kind of gives up the game, yo.
So while Uther was all ARTHUR YOU ARE FINALLY GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, it was like a GIANT LIGHTBULB WENT OFF IN MY HEAD. Here are the last two things that bother me about Arthur/Gwen: one, you can't be a fan of Arthur and a fan of Gwen, because eventually you will ALWAYS HAVE TO CHOOSE, and especially because two, Arthur will never be good enough for Gwen.
Gwen doesn't love Arthur. Oh, yes, she likes him. She likes him a lot, and she cares for him. She may even love him. But she isn't in love with him. She's in love with the idea of the king Arthur will become (she's only said that A MILLION TIMES). If she really liked Arthur, she would like him ALL the time. She wouldn't have been so revolted by him season one. If she really liked him, he'd be fine with him the way he is. When Arthur was a brat, she'd love him. When Arthur was cranky, she'd love him. When Arthur was selfish, she'd love him. But she doesn't. Her love is completely conditional. She's always all "do this for me", and "be better for me" and "go on your super important quest that has nothing to do with me and I made fun of just a few hours ago. FOR ME."
In short, the way she loves him is exactly the way Uther loves him.
Oh, I'm not saying Gwen is anything like Uther. She isn't at ALL. But her love for Arthur is the same as Uther's. Yes, she does love him, but he will never be enough. There's always going to be one more hurdle Arthur has to go through. He'll spend his entire life trying to please her and he'll never do it. Because you know who she's trying to make him into - she's trying to make him into Lancelot. She loves Lancelot, but he's not steady. Arthur's steady. But Arthur's not anything else Lancelot is besides brave and good at killing stuff. So she figures, why not make him into that person? It's a noble thing to do. I mean, Arthur does need a bit of a personality make-over as far as the brattiness goes, but to make love conditional on that? To emotionally manipulate someone like that? Uncool. Exactly what Uther does, and not any cooler if you do it when you're a pretty girl.
And it's for this reason we get to my last reason on my list of reasons why Arthur/Gwen is a terrible pairing and I am totally bewildered as to why I'm supposed to care if they get together or not - if you're a fan of Arthur, there's no way you want to see him with Gwen. If you're a fan of Gwen, of course you want to see her with Arthur, because Arthur's all noble and handsome and doesn't run away all the time like Lancelot. Of course he's the better choice! And did we mention he's really hot! This is totally a fairytale romance!
But if you like Arthur, how could you possibly ever want him to end up with Gwen. Not only is Gwen emotionally manipulative of him, she's never THERE for him except to pop up and lecture him on what he's supposed to do. She doesn't love him. Gwen would not give up everything for Arthur. Gwen would not sacrifice her life for Arthur. She wouldn't sacrifice her wayward brother she hadn't seen in years for Arthur. You know who would? Merlin. If you liked Arthur, if you really like Arthur, you'd want him to be with Merlin, because Merlin would do ANYTHING for him. Merlin's love for Arthur, regardless of if it's sexual or not, is unconditional. He'd follow Arthur to the ends of the earth. He'd sacrifice his own mother for Arthur. He'd lay down his life for Arthur's without a second thought. If you, as a fan, loved Arthur, that's the kind of person you'd want to see him end up with, not someone who's going to cheat on him and break his tiny, sensitive heart into a million weeny pieces.
Arthur loving Gwen makes psychological sense. Arthur doesn't know what it is to really be loved by someone. He's never been really loved by someone. The only love he's ever known is from Uther and maybe some nursemaids when he was little. A love like Merlin's, which is so absolute and all-consuming, while he might feel it, is not something he's capable of comprehending. He understands loving your men and your country and being willing to die for them, and he understands loyalty. But he doesn't understand actual, one-on-one, interpersonal relationships. And why should he? He's got no experience with them. He's the loneliest, saddest boy in the world.
So of course, when he went and decided to fall in love for the first time, he went for someone who lectured him and rebuffed him and made him work for it. Of course he went for someone impossible to have. He doesn't know how not to. But what doesn't make sense is why Gwen's toying with him. You can either be on Team Gwen and be all "SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK!" or on Team Arthur and be all "BUT SHE IS DOING IT AT THE COST OF ARTHUR'S HEART". You can't be both.
And if you can't be both, how the friggidy frack are you supposed to ship these two?
EDIT! clevermonikerr made some good points I should clarify re: my thoughts on Arthur/Gwen.
1. I do think Gwen likes Arthur and I do not think she is manipulating him on purpose. But I still think she's manipulating him.
2. I think Gwen likes Arthur but will always like Lancelot more, and is only giving Arthur a chance because Lancelot isn't around. (See: 2.04 campfire scene of awkward. She doesn't care about Arthur, she wants to know where Lancelot is.) Arthur is the best choice she has, and she does like him, so she goes for it.
3. There's nothing wrong with trying to move on, but to move on to a relationship with a guy who clearly likes you a lot more than you like him and string him along and make him think he's your one and only? DOUCHE MOVE. Arthur's made it abundantly clear he's willing to do anything for her. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER SIGNAL. Any decent person would be like "look, you're hot and I'd tap that, but I'm just not that into you". But no. She keeps on keeping on, not being as into Arthur as he is into her, because she's like WHATEVER I CAN MAKE IT WORK.
SELFISH DOUCHE MOVE.
4. It is never wrong to try to make the best of a bad situation. It is never wrong, after your heart has been broken, to try flirting with some dudes. It is always wrong to lead someone on. It is always wrong to continue a relationship that only benefits you and will break the other party's heart. It is forgivable if Gwen didn't know to keep on being oblivious. But after what's happened this season and what Arthur's explicitly said and done for her, her not knowing is also unforgivably stupid.