(no subject)
I feel really hollow inside right now. Everything is such a big mess and I can't fix it. I took on so many financial burdens - the travel expenses for my internship, the house, the fraternity - not knowing until it was too late that surprise! my mom was fired. She said not to worry. I know better than to believe her because, well, when was the last time she actually followed through on something? But I was stupid and believed her when she said not to worry. She hated the job anyways, so I thought everything would be alright. Well that was in April or May (I don't know when this happened because she didn't tell me until she got me from school) It's almost August...and she still has no job. Meanwhile, I'm throwing away all this money to travel to Baltimore twice a week. And to make matters worse, I'm working through this fucking DC youth program instead of getting paid by the Council, so I'm making minimum wage, not enough to make up for the money I'm spending or to put away to help with expenses when I head back to Florida. Which now includes furnishing my bedroom and bathroom, buying books, and like $300 in club fees among others. Once again, I'll probably taking out an extra loan for school since I've stopped talking to my dad. Well let's be honest, considering he takes weeks to send me bad checks, I doubt he'd be any more reliable. All I do anymore is cry, that is when I'm not completely exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop going to school and start working, like this is all just getting way too overwhelming. But to be honest, my mom would kill me after everything she did so that I wouldn't end up like her. I don't even know if I can afford grad school with all the loans I have to pay off - if I even get in. Apparently to get into grad school I should've been doing research like two years ago, nevermind that I work whenever I'm not at school. I used to go to my friends at times like this, but I'm not sure I have many friends anymore. I've driven everyone away with my actions, and to top it all off, I can't even afford a psychiatrist to fix it all. Talking doesn't cut it anymore, I probably need medication, after which I might not even recognize myself anymore. None of it is worth all of this anymore, not being a marine biologist, not Miami, people or just fucking life. This isn't even the end of it, I'm just tired of writing right now...