Sunshine {2/2}
Baekhyun doesn’t like arguments. He’s much too small to stand a chance in a physical fight, but he hates the verbal kind too. But if there’s anything he hates more than confrontation, it’s not being on speaking terms with his loved ones. When he was younger, around six or seven, his parents got him a blue toy car when he specifically asked, in the secret letter that he hid under his pillow that his parents never even got, for a red one. He decided not to talk to them for a week and lasted for around ten minutes before he broke down in tears and begged his mother to break the torturous silence. When he first met Kyungsoo in middle school, he quickly became friends with the boy due to all their similarities. One day Kyungsoo didn’t come to school and Baekhyun ended up getting bullied out of his seat by a mean kid named Luhan. It wasn’t even Kyungsoo’s fault, but that didn’t stop him from ignoring Kyungsoo’s existence for at least two days. On the third day he gave Kyungsoo a cupcake with a teddy bear on it and they went back to normal instantly, neither boy acknowledging the incident ever again. He’s had plenty of falling outs; with Joonmyun over a disagreement of political opinions, with Sehun over who was cuter out of Minseok and Kai (Minseok, obviously, but the dim-witted maknae of their group couldn’t see anyone but Kai out of his droopy-lidded eyes). Whenever he decides not to talk to someone, it’s pretty much written in stone that Baekhyun will be the one to go out of his way to get the person to talk to him again.
This time, he’s determined that it will be different.
He ignores every call that Chanyeol makes. He deletes every text that’s accompanied by the name Superchan. The sound of his phone vibrating becomes a constant noise after a while; every five or so minutes and there’s a new buzz. It takes a good few hours to stop. By that time Baekhyun has already climbed into bed. He curls up on his side and cries as he thinks about the way Chanyeol’s lips had felt against his own, large and wet and rough but still so perfect. He thought that up there in Chanyeol’s arms was where he belonged. He hadn’t factored in the fact that Chanyeol was tall, handsome and basically perfect; why would someone like that ever settle for someone like Baekhyun in the first place? Especially when that person had someone just as perfect as themselves right by their side already.
--
School is drawing nearer to a close. A few more weeks, then it’ll be Easter. Back for final exams, then done. Baekhyun tries as best as he can to establish a new routine. He leaves his house at 7 and runs all the way to the Social Sciences canteen where he hangs out until his first class begins. He attends every class after that, spends the free periods with his friends, laughs along at every lame joke that Kyungsoo makes during their Macroeconomic lectures and then goes straight home once he’s dismissed. The schedule changes a little from day to day. Sometimes it’s Sehun who he’s laughing with as they completely ignore what their Business Law lecturer is talking about. Other times he actually listens. It’s normally on Thursdays that he does, sitting next to Joonmyun and Minseok as they learn complicated statistical formulae. Ever since getting his head around regression, Baekhyun doesn’t hate the class quite so much. He flips to the regression pages of his textbook and his heart clenches when he sees the flash-cards tucked inside.
--
Baekhyun goes out with Sehun one weekend. There’s a girl in the Engineering school who’s caught his eye and he wants to buy a new outfit that he plans to wear when he asks her out. It’s cute, because Sehun is so excited about it. It’s strange, because Baekhyun has always assumed that Sehun was gay. They head downtown to Myeongdong and Sehun buys them both bubble-teas before going into dozens of shops and making Baekhyun give him advice on every outfit he tries on. When he comes out in tight red jeans and a see-through black top, Baekhyun says that maybe he should keep it a little classier and go for a shirt and jeans; Sehun scoffs and pushes past him to pay for the outfit. He wears it on the way home and Baekhyun has to glare at men and women alike to keep them away. He decides after that to never go out with Sehun alone again.
They’re standing outside of Social Sciences two days later, Sehun with flowers in hand and Baekhyun nervously wringing his hands together, when Sehun decides to indulge Baekhyun in the small detail he kept hidden from him; the girl he’s so smitten by, is really a boy. Baekhyun tries to bring himself to be mad, but standing there looking at Sehun dressed like a classy whore with a bunch of blue roses in his hand, all that comes out is pure, unadulterated laughter. Sehun frowns at him a little but he can’t stop. Soon tears are falling from his eyes and his stomach hurts so badly but it feels good too, so good, to be able to laugh like this after days of being so down. He puts a hand on his chest as he forces the last of his laughter to die down. Sehun looks worried now and he doesn’t want to upset his friend.
“You look amazing, Sehun,” he says sincerely. “Whoever this guy is, if there’s even a gay cell in his body, it’s going to divide and multiply at the sight of you.”
Sehun rolls his eyes and shoves him, but his cheeks have turned pink at the words. They continue to watch the entrance of the Engineering building, waiting for Sehun’s crush to show up. Baekhyun’s still anxious about the possibility of seeing Chanyeol, but he pushes the thought out of his mind. He’s there to support his friend. Sehun needs him. The sound of a bell rings, first from their own building, then from Engineering. Baekhyun takes Sehun’s hand in his and waits to be engulfed in the sea of students that are now pouring out from everywhere. Sehun pulls on his hand and he lets himself be tugged to wherever Sehun is going. Neither of them is tall, but Sehun’s still a head above most people in the crowd. He’s heading towards what Baekhyun thinks is the gate, but then he lets out a gasp and begins running in a different direction entirely, causing Baekhyun to fall over his own feet as he struggles to keep up.
“Kris! Kris!” Sehun's voice sounds super excited as he continues to chase his object of infatuation and it’s the only thing keeping Baekhyun from punching him in the face. This crush of his better be super hot and worth all the bruises Baekhyun is sure will be littering his body by tomorrow. They come to an abrupt stop in front of the main reception building, and Sehun is panting hard, body doubled over on itself as he tries to regain his breath. There are significantly fewer people here, and Baekhyun’s eyes scan over all the males quickly, trying to see if he can recognise the one Sehun is into. He finally decides on a cute, tall, black-haired kid who’s wearing a little bit of eyeliner and clothes just as stylish as Sehun’s. Baekhyun nods to himself, confident of his choice. This guy is definitely Sehun’s type. He begins to walk over, all set to introduce himself and Sehun and use his undeniable charms to set the two boys up, when he’s pulled back. Sehun is smiling at him nervously and points with his thumb to the wall in front. Baekhyun looks, trying not to be obvious, and sees two boys standing there, totally absorbed in the conversation they’re having.
"Which one?" he whispers to Sehun.
"The one on the right," Sehun answers with a giggle.
Baekhyun looks again. He can only see the side-profile of the boy’s face, but he seems handsome enough. Not as good-looking as the one Baekhyun chose for him, but whatever floats Sehun’s boat. As if the boy can sense him staring, he turns abruptly, curious eyes meeting Baekhyun’s. Baekhyun frowns as he tries to place him. The face he’s looking at is definitely familiar. The boy seems to think the same about Baekhyun because his face suddenly twists into a mixture of shock and something else and his mouth drops open. Baekhyun's name falls from his lips
Baekhyun has never met this boy in his life and there’s absolutely no reason he would know his name unless-
He looks more closely, and sure enough, it’s him. Without Chanyeol by his side it's almost hard to recognize him, but Baekhyun now sees the familiarity in his features; the thick eyebrows set over dark eyes, deep golden hair framing a face just as beautiful as Chanyeol's. A huge wave of disgust washes over him. It's the thief. The boy who had taken Chanyeol from him and was now trying to take Sehun too. He musters up the meanest glare he can manage and slips a hand around Sehun’s wrist, getting ready to run. The boy watches him with amusement dancing in his eyes and Baekhyun fails to see what’s so fucking funny. The boy takes a step towards them and Baekhyun takes one back instinctively. Sehun is saying his name over and over again, but Baekhyun’s too far gone to answer.
“I don’t see why you’re running away,” the boy says. “I’m not going to hurt you or anything.”
Liar, Baekhyun longs to call out. You already have. “Where’s Chanyeol?” he spits back instead, venom injected deep into his words. The boy laughs then, and Baekhyun wishes it were Kai and not Sehun with him so he could get Kai to sock the boy in his smiling face.
“Why are you asking me?”
Baekhyun frowns and feels his temperature rising. Why is he playing dumb? Was playing with Baekhyun's feelings really that much fun? “You’re his lover-boy, so it figures that you would know.” He swears the boy’s eyes widen for a second, but a blink and they’re back to normal, cold and harsh.
“He told you, you know,” he says, and Baekhyun notices that his voice has dropped several tones. He’s almost whispering now, a sudden anguish on his face that makes Baekhyun’s stomach curl. “All those texts he sent you, all those messages of his that you ignored... He told you everything, even though he didn’t want to.” He moves closer, and Baekhyun, in his confusion, forgets to move back. The boy is right in his face now, looking at him with such strong hatred that Baekhyun feels even tinier than his 5 feet 7 inches, like he’s a bug that boy could crush beneath his heel within seconds. His heart thrums wildly in his chest. This is no longer a game, not even an exchange of harsh words. Something is wrong. Baekhyun can see it clearly in the boy’s eyes. “Do you want to know where he is?” Baekhyun finds himself nodding. The boy scoffs and thrusts a slip of paper in his hands before storming off. Baekhyun holds it up between shaking fingers. On it is the name of the local hospital, along with the name of the ward Chanyeol apparently is in. Baekhyun’s head swims as he reads the words: Cardiac Care.
There is something wrong with Chanyeol’s heart.
--
He doesn’t rush over to the hospital dramatically, nor does he flee the scene in a fit of tears. He walks calmly back to the school gates, pulling Sehun with him. He can feel Sehun’s curious gaze lingering on him but he doesn’t have it in him to answer any of the questions he knows Sehun is bursting to ask. He leaves him at the bus-stop outside and apologizes that things couldn’t go the way Sehun wanted. Sehun just shrugs his shoulders, masking his disappointment with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Kris was out of my league anyway,” he says. Baekhyun tries to remember where he’s heard that name before.
He’s halfway to the hospital when he remembers. Kris; the guy Chanyeol had mentioned the day Baekhyun had ditched him to go and study with his friends. The one with the thick brain, according to Chanyeol. He realises bitterly that it was he himself who had unknowingly sent Chanyeol to Kris by pushing him away that day. If he could go back and do even one thing differently, he would take back what he said that morning over breakfast and replace the words with a kiss, sticking his tongue deep inside Chanyeol’s chocolaty mouth.
He walks up the hospital steps with bated breath, eyes scanning over the signs as he decides which direction to head in. He finally sees the one he needs, a small sign post with Cardiac Care Unit (CCU) on it pointing towards the back of the building. He starts to run, suddenly anxious to see Chanyeol. The Cardiac Care Unit is in a bleak, brown, rather run-down part of the hospital. His own heart quickens as he walks up to the reception. The place is dreary, even on the inside. It looks like the kind of place where life comes to an end. He wants to get out of there. He wants to take Chanyeol with him.
“I’m looking for Chanyeol,” he says nervously to the women at the counter. He passes the slip of paper over, as if it will help. The woman stares at him as if waiting for him to say something else. Baekhyun gets annoyed. How much clearer can he be? “My friend, Chan-nyeol. He’s here, in cardiac care. Can you tell me where he is so I can see him please?”
“Sorry, but I’m going to need more information than that. There are many different wards within the CCU. Do you know which one your friend is in?” At Baekhyun’s blank face, she sighs and types something into her keyboard. “Okay, what’s his name again?”
“Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol. He’s twenty - born November 27th, if that helps - and tall and kind of funny looking, but in a handsome way. He has really curly hair and smiles all the time. I’m sure if he’s here, you’ll know who I’m talking about. He’s the kind of person you can’t forget after meeting.” The woman nods absentmindedly and types the syllables in, clicking through a few dialog boxes that open up on screen. When she turns back to him, Baekhyun notices that her eyes are softer.
“He’s in the intermediate ward now, just got shifted a while back. It’s down the hall, through the doors, first left. He’s not supposed to have any visitors so soon but the doctor said we can make an exception for two people that Chanyeol has been asking after. Are you Kris?”
Baekhyun walks on down the hall, ignoring the question. When he reaches the doors at the end, he turns back and finds the receptionist staring at him curiously. In her eyes lies a silent question.
“I’m Baekhyun,” he says as an answer. She nods and lets him through.
--
Chanyeol looks awful. Baekhyun tries to be nice about it, but he can’t help the frown that settles itself on his face. Chanyeol’s hair is flat and lacklustre against his head. His face is pale, even whiter than usual, and bonier too. Chanyeol’s always been on the wrong side of slim but here, lying on a hospital bed wearing the shapeless blue gown that all the patients do, he looks like a fragile doll, a mannequin that will break if Baekhyun so much as touches him. It’s only been a week since Baekhyun last saw him, but his body has gone through the changes of months of ill-health. At the back of his mind, Baekhyun thinks that maybe the symptoms have been showing up for a while, and that he’s just been too blind to see. His hand hovers over Chanyeol’s face, ghosting over his features with a gentleness he’s never known himself to possess. Chanyeol smiles up at him and it breaks Baekhyun’s heart because it’s the same smile Chanyeol has given him so many times before and it’s absolutely breath-taking but it looks so wrong right now, so mismatched against the rest of him.
“Are you dying?” he asks. He doesn’t want to be so blunt, but at the same time he needs to know.
“Real subtle, Byunbaek.” Chanyeol is smirking but his eyes hold fear and Baekhyun knows he must be terrified. Baekhyun’s terrified too and his heart isn’t even the one with the problem. He reaches out with a shaking hand and slowly, gently, lowers it onto Chanyeol’s chest, right above where his heart should be. He feels Chanyeol’s heartbeats and they feel perfectly fine, loud and strong inside his ribcage. How can someone’s heart sound so normal if there’s a problem with it?
“It beats fine,” Chanyeol answers, as if he can hear his thoughts. “It’s the fact that it’s beating so hard that’s the problem. It can’t cope all the time.” How Chanyeol’s heart isn’t strong enough to cope is beyond Baekhyun’s knowledge. As far as he’s concerned, Chanyeol has the biggest, strongest heart out of anyone he knows.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Baekhyun's voice is accusing and harsh, even to his own ears.
Chanyeol looks thoughtful as he stares up at the ceiling. “I didn’t know how to,” he finally admits, and when Baekhyun looks over, he has a dumb smile on his face. “I liked you so much ever since I met you that day, you know. You were so caught up in your world of weather problems and exams... I just wanted to protect you from everything.” He reaches out to his bedside table and picks up his phone, holding it out so Baekhyun can take it. Baekhyun slides to unlock and is met with a picture of his own face. He’s smiling in it, eyes clearly not looking into the camera and he realises with a start that it’s the picture Chanyeol took of him, without his permission, all those months ago. Chanyeol takes the phone back and slips his hand into Baekhyun’s in place of it, squeezing it. He’s looking up at Baekhyun with such raw emotion that Baekhyun’s breath catches in his throat. “Your smile is really pretty, Byunbaek. I didn’t want to be the reason it went away. That’s why I couldn’t tell you.”
It’s such an utterly stupid reason and Baekhyun wants to smack Chanyeol in the face and tell him that, scream it at him until his throat is raw and his voice is gone. But what’s done is done and he can’t go back and change the past. And what good would knowing sooner have done, anyway? It’s not like Baekhyun could have magically made the problem go away. No, the only thing Baekhyun could have done was to let Chanyeol spend his last moments of good-health by his side. Regret overcomes him and crushes him in its hold, squeezing his chest tightly and making him fall to his knees by the side of Chanyeol’s bed. He buries his face into Chanyeol’s sheets and cries as hard as he can, because he’s about to lose the most precious person in his life and he’s spent the last few weeks doing everything in his power to avoid this very person because he’s stupid and he’s petty and he’s dumb and he deserves everything bad in the world to happen to him but not this. Not losing Chanyeol. His cries turn to screams and the hospital’s security team have to pry him off of Chanyeol’s bed.
The only reason he’s not kicked out of the hospital immediately is because Chanyeol’s heart-monitor begins to fluctuate wildly and he pushes away all of the doctors that come to check on him, arms weakly holding out for Baekhyun. Baekhyun thinks it’s kind of funny that even in what could quite possibly be their last moments together, they’re causing a scene. The man that’s holding him back lets go with a sigh and Baekhyun leaps onto Chanyeol so hard, the entire bed shifts. His fingers are digging hard into Chanyeol’s back but Chanyeol welcomes the pain. If later he ends up losing his sense of touch, he wants the last memories to be of feelings Baekhyun has caused him.
“Let me help you,” Baekhyun breathes against his neck. Chanyeol laughs.
“You can’t.”
“You solve my problems all the time. Why can’t you let me try at least? There must be something I can do.”
Chanyeol fixes him with the most breath-taking smile and from this close up, it’s easy to believe that he’s exactly the same as before. “I have a hole in my heart,” he whispers, “Can you fix it?”
Baekhyun laughs and pushes him back against the headrest. “That’s all the problem is?” he says with a smile. He pushes his lips onto Chanyeol’s with bruising force and Chanyeol kisses back like his life depends on it.
--
Chanyeol’s condition fluctuates over the course of the next few months. Baekhyun visits him three times a week without fail. On some days, he’s energetic and answers all of Baekhyun’s questions eagerly. Baekhyun likes these days best, because it gives him hope that maybe, somehow, Chanyeol will pull through all of this. But on other days, he lies on his bed for hours at a time, merely opening his eyes and twitching his lips into a ghost of a smile when Baekhyun enters the room. The doctors say that his condition is dependent on a lot of things. Chanyeol is probably thinking about stressful things, which in turn is making his condition even worse. On days like that, Baekhyun sits by his side patiently, holding his hand and telling him stories and then, when visiting time is over, he spends around ten minutes in the hospital bathroom crying his eyes out because it’s clear as day that the Chanyeol lying back in the hospital bed is a mere shell of the boy Baekhyun met and fell in love with all those months ago.
He gets to know Kris through the numerous times they end up at the hospital together, patiently sitting in the CCU waiting room as they wait for visiting hours to begin. He finds out that Kris and Chanyeol are neighbours, and Kris is the closest thing Chanyeol has to a brother. Apart from family, Kris is the only other person who knows about Chanyeol’s condition. Atrial septal defect, Kris tells him when he asks. He’s had it since birth; a small, 9 mm hole between his atria that causes a right-to-left shunt to occur within his heart.
“In simple terms, the blood Chanyeol’s heart pumps around his body has less oxygen than ours, so it has to work harder to make up for that. I guess it’s finally saying ‘I’ve had enough.’”
Baekhyun thinks about the words for a long time. He wonders if his own heart may one day decide to give up on him. Can hearts even do that, make decisions for themselves? He thinks about how there’s a tight feeling in his chest whenever he thinks about Chanyeol and the very real possibility of losing him. Of course they can. Hearts are what lead the mind.
--
He asks Kris about Chanyeol’s parents one day, and Kris is silent for the entire thirteen minutes that they are forced to wait until a nurse allows them inside Chanyeol’s room. It’s another lethargic day for Chanyeol, but Baekhyun doesn’t mind. He sits on the chair to Chanyeol’s left and takes Chanyeol’s left hand in his. Chanyeol’s fingers are cold and blue, and Baekhyun puts them in between his own, squeezing them almost painfully until they resemble a more human colour. Chanyeol’s eyes remain closed, but Baekhyun likes to think that he’s listening as he fills him in on the day’s events. Easter is around the corner and the atmosphere at school is relaxed, like calm before a storm. Baekhyun tells him about his worries regarding finals. He’s going to have to study really hard over the holidays. Maybe Chanyeol can make him some more flashcards when he’s feeling better? At the mention of flashcards, Baekhyun remembers the thing he's been meaning to show him. He pulls out a piece of paper and places it under Chanyeol’s fingers. Kris looks over and sees a big red 89 on the front of whatever it is. When he asks Baekhyun what it is, the latter doesn’t look at him.
"I got full marks on the regression question thanks to you, Chanyeol! And I don't think I ever got round to thanking you for making me the flashcards, even though that was what the kiss was for, but you deserve a thank you too so here it is: thank you, Superchan, you're my hero!"
Baekhyun is beaming down at Chanyeol with a smile so intense that Kris' eyes begin to water. He doesn't want to stay and watch anymore; it hurts too much. He gets up and excuses himself.
--
The days when Chanyeol has enough energy to talk are few and far between. It’s been a whole month since Baekhyun’s last heard Chanyeol’s voice. Sometimes Chanyeol's eyes are open when Baekhyun walks in; Baekhyun prefers the days when they’re closed because it makes it easier to pretend that they still hold the light they used to. Minutes turn into hours as he sits by Chanyeol’s side, day after day, but Baekhyun doesn’t even notice. There, in the small white hospital room, time loses its meaning. It begins when he’s allowed inside and ends when one of the nurses comes to kick him out, reminding him gently that visiting hours stop at 6 and that Chanyeol needs as much rest as possible.
A few months ago Baekhyun couldn’t sit in the same spot for two minutes; if there was silence, he’d be the first to break it. It’s funny how much change Chanyeol has brought about within him. He likes to think of it as maturity. He doesn’t entertain the idea that it’s the fear of losing Chanyeol that keeps him glued to the unresponsive boy’s side.
When Baekhyun goes to the hospital at 3pm on a Monday afternoon, Chanyeol is wide awake. He’s sitting up, Kris by his side, and Baekhyun stops in his tracks. Kris waves him inside and Chanyeol turns to face him. Their eyes meet and, in a moment straight out of corny romance movies, they stare at each other, long and hard and unblinking. Kris gets up and leaves and Baekhyun doesn’t even think to stop him. He blinks back the tears that are clouding his eyes and continues to stare because Chanyeol is awake and he’s looking at him and after a month of sitting next to a lifeless doll, it feels almost unreal seeing him like this.
“Baekhyun.”
It’s not the version of his name Baekhyun wants to hear but he doesn’t care because he’s missed that voice so much and even though he knows he shouldn’t, he wraps his arms around Chanyeol and squeezes and squeezes, hoping that his actions can somehow portray his feelings. Chanyeol isn’t smiling when he pulls away but that’s okay because it’s evident in his eyes that he’s over the moon. He takes his regular seat on Chanyeol’s left, takes his left hand again and tells him all about his friend Sehun who once upon a time had a crush on Chanyeol’s friend Kris and even though he knows Sehun would kill him for it, it’s worth it when he hears the faint sound of laughter leaving Chanyeol's mouth.
He doesn’t know when the next time will be that Chanyeol’s being so responsive so after ten minutes of sitting in comfortable silence, he leans over and presses a quick kiss on Chanyeol’s lips. Chanyeol is too weak to kiss back and his lips are cold but Baekhyun thinks it’s even more special than their first one. Three little words are at the tip of his tongue, aching to spill over his lips but he keeps them inside. It’s not the right time for them, he thinks, not yet.
His visit is cut short when Chanyeol’s doctor walks in along with Kris, telling him he needs to do a few tests on Chanyeol and that Baekhyun is welcome to come back during tomorrow’s visiting hours. Baekhyun bows and walks out alone; for some reason, Kris is allowed to stay. He waits on a chair out by reception, determined to find out what’s going on. It doesn’t matter that he’s not considered as close to Chanyeol as Kris is. He still deserves to know. Almost an hour later Kris walks out, and Baekhyun runs up to him immediately, clinging onto his arm.
“What did the doctors say?” he asks anxiously. Chanyeol’s condition is obviously improving and even though he doesn’t want to cling on to fake sense of hope, he can’t stop himself from having high expectations.
Kris turns to face him and Baekhyun can see the unshed tears in his eyes, glittering under the hospital’s bright lights. “Chanyeol’s heart isn’t beating regularly anymore,” he says. “He’s had two minor heart attacks already and it’s unlikely that he can survive through another one. There’s a small chance that the medicine he’s on will take some of the strain off his heart, but if not, they don’t think he’ll make it past a week.”
Baekhyun’s entire world comes crashing down.
“Then why the fuck does he look better now than he has in months?” he shrieks. Kris tries to put an arm around him but he jerks backwards. Kris takes the hint and takes a few steps back himself.
“They’ve given him a blood thinner,” he says. “It’s new on the market. Chanyeol is one of the beta testers.”
“And how does that help?”
“It makes it easier for Chanyeol’s heart to pump the blood around his body.”
“So if he keeps taking it, his heart will be fine?”
Kris looks at him sadly. “If it works, yes. But Chanyeol’s shown resistance to every other blood thinning medication that’s been given to him before, so the chances of this one being successful are low.”
“Can’t he get an operation or something?” Baekhyun’s knows he's being naïve. He doesn’t know the first thing about human biology and he’s probably saying really stupid things but he can’t just give up on Chanyeol, not like this.
“An operation would have been the best thing to do, but back when the option was open a few years ago, Chanyeol refused. I think it's a little too late now. Even if it's not, Chanyeol is a stubborn guy. He won't do it."
Baekhyun stares at the ground for a long time. “Chanyeol is a fucking idiot.”
Kris laughs, and the sound is bitter and hollow. “I agree.”
--
They get chucked out of the hospital along with the rest of the visitors at 6 and Kris bids him goodbye at the front entrance. Baekhyun walks home with a hand pressed to his chest. He listens to the beats of his own heart and wishes that it was strong enough to pump both his own and Chanyeol’s blood around their bodies; he’d gladly share it if it were possible.
Night-time arrives and he spends it thinking about weak hearts and oxygen and inconveniently placed holes. It’s ironic, he thinks, that Chanyeol has a hole in his heart. Ironic because, before he met Chanyeol, Baekhyun thinks that he had a hole of sorts in his own heart too. Not a real one like Chanyeol has, but a hole all the same. It was a hole that swallowed him up when the sun was out and took him back to a dark place where happiness didn’t exist for the likes of Baekhyun. He doesn’t feel it anymore. He knows that hearts are basically pumps, with veins and arteries that send blood to a person’s lungs to be oxygenated and then to the rest of their body. The things that people associate hearts with, like candy and clouds and butterflies and rainbows, aren’t really what makes them up. But still, he can’t help but think that if someone were to cut him open and take a look at his heart, they’d find a black-coloured mess with a bright, white centre, and the name Park Chanyeol engraved there in letters of gold.
He’s ready now, to say the words he wasn’t able to say earlier on. He sends a quick prayer up to any deities who are listening and promises himself that tomorrow will be the day he finally tells Park Chanyeol that he loves the fool, more so than any other person he’s ever known in his life.
He finds out about Chanyeol’s death the same night, through a phone call at 3:43am. The official cause of death is given as heart-failure, brought on by another heart-attack: Chanyeol's body had had an adverse reaction to the medication, and they hadn't been able to revive him. By 3:58 Baekhyun is at the hospital, running up the steps of the CCU and slamming his body against the doors upon finding them locked. The receptionist rushes out with a scowl on her face but softens when she sees who it is. She presses a button and moves aside to let Baekhyun in.
“Chanyeol isn’t here,” she says sadly. Baekhyun frowns. He doesn’t understand. The hospital had specifically told him-
“He’s been moved to the morgue, sweetie. Do you want me to take you down there?”
Baekhyun shakes his head.
He doesn’t want to see.
He doesn’t want to know.
He wants for this to be a dream and for him to wake up and see Chanyeol’s smiling face outside his front door at 8:15 just so he can slam it shut in his face and walk back out five minutes later ready to go to school together and he won’t ever ditch Chanyeol this time because as important as Kyungsoo and Joonmyun and Sehun and Minseok and Kai are, Chanyeol is more important and he doesn’t care if he hurts anyone’s feelings because the only person who’s feelings he truly cares about is Chanyeol.
Chanyeol.
The bastard didn’t even stick around long enough to let Baekhyun tell him he loved him.
He hears footsteps behind him and turns to see Kris standing there, hair messy and eyes wet, dressed in a pair of pyjamas. He looks so fucking stupid because who the fuck wears pyjamas to the hospital but Baekhyun launches himself at him regardless. Kris runs a gentle hand through Baekhyun’s hair and tells Baekhyun that it’ll all be alright and that it’s okay to cry.
Baekhyun doesn’t cry.
He howls.
--
Baekhyun doesn’t end up ever going to the morgue. He doesn’t attend the funeral for Chanyeol that Kris arranges, nor does he go to visit his grave later when it’s all over. He locks himself in his room and stays inside it for an entire week, the need to urinate being the only thing able to pull him out of bed. By the third day, he doesn’t even need to do that anymore. He doesn’t sleep. He’s afraid of what he’ll see if he closes his eyes so he stares at the ceiling instead, letting random thoughts occupy his mind. Who created the first ever language? How did the universe come to be? Why is the sky blue? He spends an entire day contemplating the last one and, with the help of the internet, comes up with the theory that it’s because the light from the sun diffracts in such a way that the blue part of it scatters in the most directions. He still doesn’t understand entirely how it works and promises himself that he’ll look further into it later, when his head doesn’t hurt quite so much.
His phone rings constantly. He sets the ringtone to his favourite song and laughs happily whenever it plays, singing along when his throat doesn’t hurt too much. His stomach yearns for food but he doesn’t give in to the temptation. He wonders why human bodies need food to function anyway and puts it down at the back of his mind as another topic to think about.
He doesn’t have any plans to leave his room the next day either but when Kai and Kyungsoo literally break into his house and bang on his bedroom door until the wood starts shattering, he’s left without much of a choice. He slides the lock out of place and the door is thrown open by an infuriated Kai.
“What the fuck, Baek? We’ve been trying to get in contact with you for over a week now! You don’t pick up your phone, you don’t text back... Joonmyun has been to your house three times already and you never open the door. What is your problem?”
Baekhyun turns his back on him and walks back over to the bed, slipping under the covers. Kyungsoo and Kai exchange a worried look. They walk over to him and settle down on the end of his bed. Baekhyun doesn’t like the way his bed sinks because of them. He wants to kick them off, but they’re sitting on his feet.
“Baek, we’re worried about you.” It’s Kyungsoo’s voice. “Please don’t shut us out like this. We can help.”
“You can talk to us.” Kai now. Baekhyun tries to block out their voices. They’re disrupting the silence. It’s annoying.
“Kris called me, Baekhyun. I know what happened to Chanyeol and I’m sorry, really, but this isn’t healthy. Chanyeol was a good guy but he’s in a better place now and I know that if he were here to see you like this, he wouldn’t be happy. Easter’s coming to an end, and then we have exams. The guys always ask about you at the study sessions. I know it hurts but don't cut yourself off from the world like this, Baek. Talk to us, let us help. You have to pull youself together somehow, if not for yourself then for him. For Chanyeol."
Baekhyun finds it rather sickening how easily the name slips from Kyungsoo’s mouth. He puts his hands on his ears and thinks about the latest episode of Zetsuen no Tempest he watched that morning. He doesn’t know if Yoshino and Mahiro are still going to want to save the world now that they know Aika is truly dead; he hopes so. He doesn't like sad endings.
He lets Kyungsoo and Kai find their own way out.
--
When he goes downstairs later, Baekhyun sees a box on his kitchen counter. He opens it and finds it filled to the brim with some sort of spaghetti dish. He sniffs it warily. The smell of kimchi invades his nostrils. His stomach growls violently and he only then realizes how hungry he really is. He sticks the box in the microwave and ends up eating the entire thing, washing it down with two glasses of water. He begins to eat again after that. He lets himself sleep again at night. The nightmares aren’t as bad as he thought they would be; all he sees is a dark hole at the end of his vision and he spents his nights floating towards it, always waking before up before he reaches. It’s the darkness that frightens him. Leaving his light switched on and his curtains open helps. The sunlight filtering in every morning becomes a comforting presence.
Leaving his room becomes unavoidable. He makes short trips to the supermarket at 6am every Saturday morning. In the rest of his free time, he studies. It’s the last week of Easter. Baekhyun has worked too hard over the course of two years to let all of his effort go to waste. He gets stuck every other chapter and ends up having to refer to five different textbooks just to get even a gist of what his lecture slides mean. His fingers trail over his phone indecisively. He needs Kyungsoo’s help pretty desperately. It’s not pride that stops him from asking, though; it’s shame.
--
The week before his first exam, his doorbell rings. He opens the door to find his entire group of friends on the other side and he has to rub his eyes, twice, just to make sure he’s not seeing things.
“Yes, pabo, we’re really here, now move out of the way and let us in,” Minseok says as he shoves past him. Baekhyun just stands there, stunned, as the rest of his friends make their way over to Baekhyun’s living room. They all take a seat around the table and pull out huge piles of books. Baekhyun’s eyes widen. They came to study? Joonmyun looks at him expectantly and uses a foot to kick the last remaining chair out, gesturing with his head for Baekhyun to take it. Baekhyun walks over hesitantly. No one is looking at him directly, but he knows they’re listening, watching his reactions. He sits down silently and waits for Joonmyun to explain what’s going on. In the end, it’s Kyungsoo who speaks.
“The library is crammed at this time of year,” he says with a grin, “so, I decided to have today’s study session here. You don’t have any objections, do you, Baekhyun?” Baekhyun shakes his head.
“Good!” Sehun says, clapping. “So, what are we going to cover today?”
“There’s nothing in particular that I’m stuck on,” Kai says.
“Me neither,” Minseok adds.
“I don’t mind whatever we do,” Kyungsoo says,
Joonmyun looks up at Baekhyun with a smile. “How about you, Baekhyun? Is there a topic you need help with?”
Baekhyun hesitates for a long minute, eyes flicking constantly to the stairs and then back to Joonmyun’s face. He feels suffocated. His friends are being nice to him and he doesn’t know to react. They should hate him, but instead they’re here, helping him even after he’s pushed them away. The emotions that run through him are overwhelming. Kyungsoo puts a hand on his shoulder and he bursts into tears. Five pairs of arms wrap around him and Baekhyun just carries on crying because he doesn’t know what else to do, how else to tell them that he’s so thankful for them.
--
Baekhyun finishes the last exam he has with a content sigh. He walks out of the exam hall with a smile on his face because it’s done, his second year as an Economics student is over, and he feels good. His eyes still water whenever he looks at the Engineering building and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to think about Chanyeol without his heart clenching painfully, but he’s coping through it somehow. Joonmyun offers to walk him home and tells him about his aunt who’s a counsellor at the local high-school. He’s wondering if maybe Baekhyun would be willing to speak to her sometime. It’s not that Joonmyun thinks that Baekhyun needs counselling, he just thinks that it could help. Maybe working through the feelings would be better than keeping them bottled inside. Baekhyun agrees.
They walk up the steps to Baekhyun’s house together and Joonmyun scribbles down his aunt’s phone number and address on the back of his old notes.
“She said that she can fit you in next month. I know it’s a long time to wait but-”
“It’s fine. A month gives me some more time to mend myself a bit.”
Baekhyun is smiling. Joonmyun takes his hand.
“You’re doing really well already, Baekhyun. Just... don’t shut us out again. I know we’re on a break from school now but it doesn’t mean you won’t be seeing us anymore. Now that we all know where you live, expect us here often!” He replaces his hand with the paper, pressing it into Baekhyun’s palm. “Make sure you go and see her, okay? She can help.”
Baekhyun nods. He’ll go. He wants to get better.
One day, he hopes that he'll be able to think of Chanyeol with a smile on his face, not with sorrow in his heart.
One day, he hopes that he'll be brave enough to visit Chanyeol's new home and be able to finally say the words that he should have said the first time Chanyeol's dumb face loomed over his as he blocked the sun from touching his face and caused Baekhyun's own heart to beat out-of-sync.
-
Byun Baekhyun doesn’t like the darkness. It’s suffocating and frightening and brings back memories of things that make his heart ache. His room has three lamps in it, and his windows no longer have any curtains. The light doesn’t disturb Baekhyun when he sleeps; rather, he needs it to be able to sleep. Sunny days are his favourite because in the light, he feels safe. Under the sun’s rays, in the comforting presence of his friends, nothing can hurt him. The only thing he doesn’t like about the sun now is the shade it creates. He avoids the problem by staying in open areas, steering clear of any place where shadows are cast on him. Sometimes his skin blisters under the heat of the sun, but he doesn’t mind.
Baekhyun doesn’t like shadows because they remind him of a person that he used to know; one that left and took a small chunk of Baekhyun’s heart with them. He likes being in the light, because it lets him pretend that he is whole again.
--
this is a 14k drabble i swear it was supposed to short and vague and dumb idek how it grew into this absurd monstrosity wtf and the flow of it is probably terrible but i can't really bear to work on it any longer wow lies i fixed some parts this morning this is the product of ten continuous hours of pure procrastination, oh, and, baekhyun is literally me.