(no subject)
I love that I gave myself until December. As one of my counselors would call it, I've given myself permission to take all the time I need in my recovery.
I've thought a lot about what I want. Who I want. The kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The kind of man I want to have raising my children.
I want him to be honest. If he can do that, almost everything else falls in line. I suppose I'd want him to be kind and considerate as well...a man with a good and strong moral compass. A code he does not waver from. A man who always acts as if someone is watching, even when no one is. A man who could teach his sons how to be good men.
I just want to fall in love again. Just that kind of love where you find someone to be so wonderful that thought leaves as you are overwhelmed with how amazing they are. Not love that is fought out of me every step of the way. Not the kind of love where I ask myself just what I can put up with to have it. Just, love. Just a decent man to love. One who only lies to try to protect me from the weight of the world (and that not often), and never to hide something shameful he's done....real or imagined. A man who wants a woman like me. Honest, assertive, intelligent, and healthy. A man who is not so daunted, so intimidated by my will and intellect that he feels some need to pretend he is more than he is, or anything different than what he is. A man who likes who is, and is comfortable showing himself to others. No head games, no lies, no manipulations.
Recovering from what has been done to me is so hard. I can't believe I was lied to for so long, by someone I loved and trusted so much. There are days I still feel like a fool for it, but most of the days now, I think it was him who was the fool. Not a malicious fool, just a silly fool who did not think things through, who preferred to hold a woman like me at arm's length while she just tried to get closer, know him more, and love him more. And now I'm out here, fighting off the sharks and trying to figure out what I deserve...and whats available. I'm beginning to think there are no honest men, no decent men with moral code. Is this what happens when men no longer have beasts to slay? Do they melt into this sad little puddle with no identity? If there are no men available that fit my description, why not return to the one who hurts me with lies, who hides himself from me when I only want to love him and help him? I know all his evils by now, finally. Unfortunately, the most evil of them is the one that keeps me from knowing him and his life...well, that might be second to his need for other women, but who can quantify such things? I've loved him for so long, held onto him for so long, I'm not sure how to let go. How do you let go of someone you've given your heart to? I don't understand divorce. This is just 2.5 years of dating. I can't imagine 15 years of marriage, with kids by that man, and leaving.
These thoughts are too heavy for right before bed, but I made myself post b/c I've gone so long with no word to the people who read my emo dribble. I guess the short of it is, I'm still working on it.
Love to all of my peoples
~Beth