That "fuck it" sorta mood
I'm not sure why, but everything has seemed to just aggravate me to the point of pissing me off this week. I had a stressful week (yes, more than usual) with school. I had a major project for Radiation Safety and Shielding, a data analysis for Reactor Engineering (which was aggravating as fuck b/c the TA is an incompetent ass), homework for Intro to Plasmas and Fusion, and homework for Reactor Engineering all due this week. On top of that I have Senior Design that I'm trying to find some time to do jack shit with, and failing. In addition I have had the normal stress of life in general and sometimes the people around me seem to freak out if my attention is on anything but them...god for fucking bid it. I've just ended up feeling like I have no time for myself, and that any time I do take for me and whatever I want to do is either borrowed from school (so I feel guilty for it) or begged from the people who seem to think they deem where my time should be spent. I hate fucking guilt trips. I hate passive aggressive bullshit. It just pushes me and aggravates me just about faster than anything. I absolutely fucking hate feeling like someone is trying to manipulate me (which is how passive- aggression feels to me) b/c then I just do the exact opposite what they wanted to get me to do, and then they get emo and guilt-trippy about me not doing what would make them happy. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! Whew, sorry about that. Just had to get it out ya know.
Anyway, on top of that Bryan and I are adjusting to a new type of relationship, which while is fine and sometimes even pleasant, its still change which is by nature stressful.
On the bright side I have two of my grades for this semester already. They are both A+'s which raised my GPA to a 2.858. This is pretty good for an engineering student (esp. Nuke), at least, ones that are not freaks of nature. And I'm in line to get an A+ or an A in another class (Plasmas) as I got a 99 on the midterm which is 20 percent of the final grade. The homeworks are 60 percent, and I'm doing A->B average on them. Doster's class (Reactor Engineering) is not looking so good. I have an A->A+ homework average (15%) and an A->B lab average (25%), but on the midterm I made a 35 (12.5%)...so we'll see how that goes. There's still another test (12.5%), the final (25%), and a project (10%), as well as the rest of the labs, so I have time to bring it up. Sometimes this major stresses me so much though. I can't decide if I'm butter spread over too much bread, a dry twig seconds from snapping, or a time bomb about to fucking explode. I can't wait to graduate. Just work 40ish hours a week, GET PAID FOR THE WORK I DO, and then come home and have my time be my time again.
In other news Cyrus and I have decided to make things official. We're still being silly about when we want out 'date' to be, but it seems to be in the bag. Things are not perfect with him, but damn they are great. Its nice to finally not be in limbo anymore. I'm scared shitless some days. I keep thinking, whats to stop him from being like all the other jackasses I've been with who seemed amazing at first and turned out to be total sleezes? The truth is, there's nothing. I feel really damn tired and like I don't wanna go through this all again, but he seems to have enough strength, patience, and faith for both of us. I just hope it lasts until I finish mending. I feel like I'm doing better by him lately in that I'm making more effort so he spends less time fighting me, but I'm still fucked up. Its hard to let go of 3 yrs investment, and its hard to believe again that someone could be wonderful after being so hurt. I can remember having so much faith in Bryan, and such a strong desire, I mean AMAZINGLY strong desire to be with him...its almost like I'm not so scared to be with someone again, but am scared to let myself want to be with someone again....like I'm safer if I'm apathetic/indifferent about being with someone.....thats something to think on. And I mostly certainly don't want to have faith in anyone again (romantically) b/c thus far its just been a series of let downs. If Cyrus and I work, if we mesh well and can stand each other, I think I'm going to hang onto it for dear life, that then I'll only leave if he does one of the unforgiveables. Hitting, cheating that kinda thing. I always thought that that little list would make things clean and clear, just a black and white list to keep myself from getting stuck in a bad relationship, but Bryan had this amazing ability that he even managed to make that gray...the whole, what constitutes cheating thing. ANYWAY, back to Cyrus. I don't know why he puts up with me. I've been so bitchy and indecisive. I've built walls and insecurities and angst from my relationship with Bryan that I still haven't sorted out yet. The most innocent things Cyrus does sometimes aggravate the fucking Christ out of me and I turn into Super Bitch, and he doesn't deserve that. I hope I chill out soon, that his love and finally being done with that 2.5-3 yr thing will mellow me back out. He really is great, if young, and I really adore him. I'm just so angry at men. *sigh*
Okay, I think I've vented enough to sleep. If you read this, thanks as always...sorry for the extreme negative nature of it and the pitiful language. I use this place as therapy to vent, that might be sad, but it helps.
Love to all my peeps far and near! (this means from as close as Daniel to as far as Karl) :)
~POOKA!
Anyway, on top of that Bryan and I are adjusting to a new type of relationship, which while is fine and sometimes even pleasant, its still change which is by nature stressful.
On the bright side I have two of my grades for this semester already. They are both A+'s which raised my GPA to a 2.858. This is pretty good for an engineering student (esp. Nuke), at least, ones that are not freaks of nature. And I'm in line to get an A+ or an A in another class (Plasmas) as I got a 99 on the midterm which is 20 percent of the final grade. The homeworks are 60 percent, and I'm doing A->B average on them. Doster's class (Reactor Engineering) is not looking so good. I have an A->A+ homework average (15%) and an A->B lab average (25%), but on the midterm I made a 35 (12.5%)...so we'll see how that goes. There's still another test (12.5%), the final (25%), and a project (10%), as well as the rest of the labs, so I have time to bring it up. Sometimes this major stresses me so much though. I can't decide if I'm butter spread over too much bread, a dry twig seconds from snapping, or a time bomb about to fucking explode. I can't wait to graduate. Just work 40ish hours a week, GET PAID FOR THE WORK I DO, and then come home and have my time be my time again.
In other news Cyrus and I have decided to make things official. We're still being silly about when we want out 'date' to be, but it seems to be in the bag. Things are not perfect with him, but damn they are great. Its nice to finally not be in limbo anymore. I'm scared shitless some days. I keep thinking, whats to stop him from being like all the other jackasses I've been with who seemed amazing at first and turned out to be total sleezes? The truth is, there's nothing. I feel really damn tired and like I don't wanna go through this all again, but he seems to have enough strength, patience, and faith for both of us. I just hope it lasts until I finish mending. I feel like I'm doing better by him lately in that I'm making more effort so he spends less time fighting me, but I'm still fucked up. Its hard to let go of 3 yrs investment, and its hard to believe again that someone could be wonderful after being so hurt. I can remember having so much faith in Bryan, and such a strong desire, I mean AMAZINGLY strong desire to be with him...its almost like I'm not so scared to be with someone again, but am scared to let myself want to be with someone again....like I'm safer if I'm apathetic/indifferent about being with someone.....thats something to think on. And I mostly certainly don't want to have faith in anyone again (romantically) b/c thus far its just been a series of let downs. If Cyrus and I work, if we mesh well and can stand each other, I think I'm going to hang onto it for dear life, that then I'll only leave if he does one of the unforgiveables. Hitting, cheating that kinda thing. I always thought that that little list would make things clean and clear, just a black and white list to keep myself from getting stuck in a bad relationship, but Bryan had this amazing ability that he even managed to make that gray...the whole, what constitutes cheating thing. ANYWAY, back to Cyrus. I don't know why he puts up with me. I've been so bitchy and indecisive. I've built walls and insecurities and angst from my relationship with Bryan that I still haven't sorted out yet. The most innocent things Cyrus does sometimes aggravate the fucking Christ out of me and I turn into Super Bitch, and he doesn't deserve that. I hope I chill out soon, that his love and finally being done with that 2.5-3 yr thing will mellow me back out. He really is great, if young, and I really adore him. I'm just so angry at men. *sigh*
Okay, I think I've vented enough to sleep. If you read this, thanks as always...sorry for the extreme negative nature of it and the pitiful language. I use this place as therapy to vent, that might be sad, but it helps.
Love to all my peeps far and near! (this means from as close as Daniel to as far as Karl) :)
~POOKA!