Feeling blue
My bday is 17 days away. I decided to try to plan something myself that way I was sure that something would be planned and I could be sure to invite everyone I wanted. Some of those I wanted are D, Terri, Steve, Tab, Pip, Mel, and Bry. Terri might not come b/c she wants to go to the Hillsborough Hike (you hike up Hillsborough street, having a drink at every bar along the way and see how far you can make it). This would be her first chance to go legally, so she might do that instead of going to Charlotte like I hoped. Which means Steve will probably be with her. D has hinted that he might be busy that weekend, so couldn't go to Charlotte. Bryan might be out of town with the Tortuga's that weekend. And b/c Bry might be out of town, that rules out having it as his place (and he just told me he didn't think that's a good idea), and my next choice would be to have it here at mine and D's place. But I know the only chance in hell I have of seeing Pip and Melinda is if I travel to Charlotte. :(
I guess I'm just ready to say fuck it and let whatever happens happen. My birthday last year was really shitty. I lost my love. I tried to have a good bday anyway, but I was heartbroken the whole time anyway. I'm sorry, guess I'm just having a pity party for myself at the moment.
On top of that I've really been wanting Bryan back for awhile now. I've tried to ignore it, tried to move on, and nothing has worked. Some days it feels like he just never wanted me the way I wanted him, not in all the years and not now, and some days I hate him for it. But I've just drastically reduced contact with him b/c I can't afford to be led on, and I sure as hell won't be a back-up plan for anyone...even if my heart seems to think that wouldn't be so bad. But as much as it hurts I'm cutting contact and toughing it out.
I let Cyrus go b/c it just wasn't working. I don't feel for him what I should, letting it go on any longer would just be wrong. Plus a whole lot of compatibility issues.
I guess I'm just feeling really lonely and really shitty right now. I just kinda wanna curl up in bed until January 2nd.
I guess I'm just ready to say fuck it and let whatever happens happen. My birthday last year was really shitty. I lost my love. I tried to have a good bday anyway, but I was heartbroken the whole time anyway. I'm sorry, guess I'm just having a pity party for myself at the moment.
On top of that I've really been wanting Bryan back for awhile now. I've tried to ignore it, tried to move on, and nothing has worked. Some days it feels like he just never wanted me the way I wanted him, not in all the years and not now, and some days I hate him for it. But I've just drastically reduced contact with him b/c I can't afford to be led on, and I sure as hell won't be a back-up plan for anyone...even if my heart seems to think that wouldn't be so bad. But as much as it hurts I'm cutting contact and toughing it out.
I let Cyrus go b/c it just wasn't working. I don't feel for him what I should, letting it go on any longer would just be wrong. Plus a whole lot of compatibility issues.
I guess I'm just feeling really lonely and really shitty right now. I just kinda wanna curl up in bed until January 2nd.