Rawr!!!
Its been a while since I posted...that usually means I/we are in for a long one. Here goes:
Many of you already know, but I had an upsetting event with my puppy recently. I took her to the vet and found out she has heart worms. She also has a double ear infection, but the heart worms are obviously the worse of the two. Her heart should be a third of the size of her thoracic cavity, instead its over half. :( Fortunately there is a treatment, but its dangerous and expensive. I've had the first half of it done, but Chocolate can have no exercise or considerable excitement for thirty days. :( I also have to clean and medicate her ears, which D helps me with...he's so awesome like that. Everyone has been so nice though. I've gotten phone calls and IM's asking about her, a sweet get-well card from Estelle, and Don even brought her a basted bone (she *loves* the basted ones). My friends rock.
So life is going fairly well. I only have one more semester of school left...and then the world is wide open. I'm pretty scared about it just because the possibilities are so vast. Its exciting, but intimidating. And I know that going into it single is part of whats freaking me out. Its like, I have no input, no life partner to consider when making the decisions that will shape the rest of my life. I'm so used to planning around someone else. Meh. As I said, exciting, but scary.
I can't remember, did I tell you about the single part? Cyrus and I called it right before Christmas break. Lets see...how to tell you about this while showing some discretion. That is to say, its been brought to my attention that sometimes I lack discretion. I've always seen this journal as a place to talk to my friends in mass, and let everyone know whats going on with me. Journaling in something that no one ever reads holds no appeal to me. I have found that trying to journal any place but in public forum..well, I just don't stick to it. But because I'm a person, and people relate with other people more than they breath, I often end up airing other people's biz on here b/c their biz affects me. Argh! But I can do this. I must simply focus on saying stuff about me and how I'm feeling w/o details about the other person....hrm. Okay. Here we go: Cyrus and I have a dynamic that doesn't work. Part of it is that I really can't seem to get close to anyone these days. Whenever I feel it start to happen, I freak and bolt. One of my counselors called this being "emotionally unavailable." I think you can see how this would be a problem. So I can't seem to give him (or anyone else I'd imagine) what they need from a relationship. There, thats the bulk of it w/o talking about his 'stuff'. Its frustrating though. I feel so solitary, but I know I'm isolating myself. More and more I have friends complain that I'm never available, that I don't answer/return calls, and that I don't do things one on one. This is why. I'm just feeling the need to be alone.
I kept thinking that the more I was alone, the more the desire to be close to people would return, as I would get lonely. But instead I'm finding more and more that I like my solitude. I mean, I really enjoy being alone. I can do whatever I want if its just me. I can sleep as late as I want, take as long as I want to stretch after a run, play computer games as much as I want, listen to whatever music I want when I'm riding in my car, etc. I don't have to compromise or bargain. I just do what I want, and its damn lovely. My current working theory is that there is a threshold. I think I will enjoy this solitude for a while longer yet, but I'm sure that eventually I will begin to miss interaction so much that it will overcome my desire to have everything exactly my way. Until I become "emotionally available" I'm hell to try and be in a relationship with.
I've also been thinking about how I got this way. I have a theory on that too. Yeah, I know, I have theories for everything. :-P Anyway, to keep it as brief as possible...there having been what I call "snapping" points throughout my life with most of the major players. That is to say, I imagine a cord tied between two people when they are close, when they love each other so much that their want for the other to be in their lives feels like need. No, cord is the wrong word, its more like a rubber band...okay, an elastic cord. Over time it stretches (when people have to be apart for whatever reason) and relaxes (when they're able to be close again). But sometimes something transpires between the two people, something so horrible that it stretches the band and stretches and stretches it....until the cord snaps. When this happens the two people are sling-shotted toward each other, and for a time there is so much effort to be with one another...its desperate and sad...but it doesn't work. Once the cord is snapped, there is no putting it back together. At least so far in my experience. Once the cord is snapped, its over. And this doesn't just apply to romantic relationships, but all relationships. I can look back and see so many snapping points. But I was getting along. I still had enough cords whole in my life, cords that were strong enough to compensate for how few I had, that I was making it and I was happy. Then the thickest one of all broke because of a faulty heart valve. I was devastated. The recoil of the cord alone almost killed me. Even now I hemorrhage. But all was not lost. I clung. I had lost Matt, and others I won't bother naming, but I still had my epic love. I still had a cord so big and tight and beautiful that my head stayed above the water. I clung to that cord like a person to a raft in the middle of the ocean. You all know what happened there. So am I solitary b/c of my break-up with Bryan? Goodness no, it was the straw that broke the camel's back is all. I'm just finally learning a lesson that used to be chided at my at least once a month. "The only person you can ever truly rely on to be there for you is yourself." I've had so many people "be there for me" over the years that the lesson was lost. But even when they don't want to leave you, sometimes they cannot stop it from happening.
Please don't think I'm miserable or lonely b/c of all of this. I'm actually happier than I've been in a very long time, and I personally feel more stable than I have in a long time too. I love the people in my life, whether the cords are snapped or whole. I have company when I want it, shoulders to cry on when I need them, smiling faces to have at parties, etc. I guess I'm just going through a bit of a transition at the moment. Please be patient with me while I reboot.
So there you go Ms. TerriBerri. I hope thats enough emo for you. :-P It truly means a lot to me that you read my journal so regularly that you get onto me when I fail to post. Love ya girl.
With love and affection,
POOKA!
Go on blinding me with her light
From a fire that burns in the darkest well
Of a cave so enslaved
I can hear her yell, I can tell
This bird just wants to be free
So set her free
--Darren Hayes
Many of you already know, but I had an upsetting event with my puppy recently. I took her to the vet and found out she has heart worms. She also has a double ear infection, but the heart worms are obviously the worse of the two. Her heart should be a third of the size of her thoracic cavity, instead its over half. :( Fortunately there is a treatment, but its dangerous and expensive. I've had the first half of it done, but Chocolate can have no exercise or considerable excitement for thirty days. :( I also have to clean and medicate her ears, which D helps me with...he's so awesome like that. Everyone has been so nice though. I've gotten phone calls and IM's asking about her, a sweet get-well card from Estelle, and Don even brought her a basted bone (she *loves* the basted ones). My friends rock.
So life is going fairly well. I only have one more semester of school left...and then the world is wide open. I'm pretty scared about it just because the possibilities are so vast. Its exciting, but intimidating. And I know that going into it single is part of whats freaking me out. Its like, I have no input, no life partner to consider when making the decisions that will shape the rest of my life. I'm so used to planning around someone else. Meh. As I said, exciting, but scary.
I can't remember, did I tell you about the single part? Cyrus and I called it right before Christmas break. Lets see...how to tell you about this while showing some discretion. That is to say, its been brought to my attention that sometimes I lack discretion. I've always seen this journal as a place to talk to my friends in mass, and let everyone know whats going on with me. Journaling in something that no one ever reads holds no appeal to me. I have found that trying to journal any place but in public forum..well, I just don't stick to it. But because I'm a person, and people relate with other people more than they breath, I often end up airing other people's biz on here b/c their biz affects me. Argh! But I can do this. I must simply focus on saying stuff about me and how I'm feeling w/o details about the other person....hrm. Okay. Here we go: Cyrus and I have a dynamic that doesn't work. Part of it is that I really can't seem to get close to anyone these days. Whenever I feel it start to happen, I freak and bolt. One of my counselors called this being "emotionally unavailable." I think you can see how this would be a problem. So I can't seem to give him (or anyone else I'd imagine) what they need from a relationship. There, thats the bulk of it w/o talking about his 'stuff'. Its frustrating though. I feel so solitary, but I know I'm isolating myself. More and more I have friends complain that I'm never available, that I don't answer/return calls, and that I don't do things one on one. This is why. I'm just feeling the need to be alone.
I kept thinking that the more I was alone, the more the desire to be close to people would return, as I would get lonely. But instead I'm finding more and more that I like my solitude. I mean, I really enjoy being alone. I can do whatever I want if its just me. I can sleep as late as I want, take as long as I want to stretch after a run, play computer games as much as I want, listen to whatever music I want when I'm riding in my car, etc. I don't have to compromise or bargain. I just do what I want, and its damn lovely. My current working theory is that there is a threshold. I think I will enjoy this solitude for a while longer yet, but I'm sure that eventually I will begin to miss interaction so much that it will overcome my desire to have everything exactly my way. Until I become "emotionally available" I'm hell to try and be in a relationship with.
I've also been thinking about how I got this way. I have a theory on that too. Yeah, I know, I have theories for everything. :-P Anyway, to keep it as brief as possible...there having been what I call "snapping" points throughout my life with most of the major players. That is to say, I imagine a cord tied between two people when they are close, when they love each other so much that their want for the other to be in their lives feels like need. No, cord is the wrong word, its more like a rubber band...okay, an elastic cord. Over time it stretches (when people have to be apart for whatever reason) and relaxes (when they're able to be close again). But sometimes something transpires between the two people, something so horrible that it stretches the band and stretches and stretches it....until the cord snaps. When this happens the two people are sling-shotted toward each other, and for a time there is so much effort to be with one another...its desperate and sad...but it doesn't work. Once the cord is snapped, there is no putting it back together. At least so far in my experience. Once the cord is snapped, its over. And this doesn't just apply to romantic relationships, but all relationships. I can look back and see so many snapping points. But I was getting along. I still had enough cords whole in my life, cords that were strong enough to compensate for how few I had, that I was making it and I was happy. Then the thickest one of all broke because of a faulty heart valve. I was devastated. The recoil of the cord alone almost killed me. Even now I hemorrhage. But all was not lost. I clung. I had lost Matt, and others I won't bother naming, but I still had my epic love. I still had a cord so big and tight and beautiful that my head stayed above the water. I clung to that cord like a person to a raft in the middle of the ocean. You all know what happened there. So am I solitary b/c of my break-up with Bryan? Goodness no, it was the straw that broke the camel's back is all. I'm just finally learning a lesson that used to be chided at my at least once a month. "The only person you can ever truly rely on to be there for you is yourself." I've had so many people "be there for me" over the years that the lesson was lost. But even when they don't want to leave you, sometimes they cannot stop it from happening.
Please don't think I'm miserable or lonely b/c of all of this. I'm actually happier than I've been in a very long time, and I personally feel more stable than I have in a long time too. I love the people in my life, whether the cords are snapped or whole. I have company when I want it, shoulders to cry on when I need them, smiling faces to have at parties, etc. I guess I'm just going through a bit of a transition at the moment. Please be patient with me while I reboot.
So there you go Ms. TerriBerri. I hope thats enough emo for you. :-P It truly means a lot to me that you read my journal so regularly that you get onto me when I fail to post. Love ya girl.
With love and affection,
POOKA!
Go on blinding me with her light
From a fire that burns in the darkest well
Of a cave so enslaved
I can hear her yell, I can tell
This bird just wants to be free
So set her free
--Darren Hayes