I wanna be consequence free....
Ok, I'm not one to post a bunch of song lyrics all the time. But ,well, it's been a bad weekend. I know that many of you know at least a bit about my tumultous relationship (at best, abysmal at worst) with my parents- I had a series of really bad experiences this weekend, and in particular I had what began as a totally innocuous conversation with my mother on Saturday afternoon, when she said something really thoughtless and hurtful to me. It stung and I actually got angry that she'd even say such a thing. Eventually the anger subsided and I started to think about my childhood, and all the times that I had felt that same sting from the person who was supposed to love me more than anything. I realized that as a child, every adult I'd ever trusted had abused me, some physically, some emotionally, some both. It's no wonder that when someone gives me even the slightest reason to start suspecting that they are being untruthful, that I find it really hard to forget and not hold grudges. I can forgive (at least I think so, in theory), but forgetting and allowing someone another chance to hurt me, well...that is something that has always ultimately proven to be insurmountable for me. And that devastated me, resulting in a horrific evening that had me in a panic attack at midnight on Saturday, with chest pains and unable to stop crying hysterically from the fear that I will never really be able to trust anyone, and this huge overwhelming realization that if I do not start establishing boundaries, I am going to let myself literally be run into incapacity. After the panic attack (I assume it was a panic attack, I've never actually *had* a panic attack before) subsided and I was actually able to talk, I started remembering experiences from my childhood I hadn't thought of in decades. It's like all the pieces of a puzzle came together, and I realize that I'm still afraid to let anyone close to me.
I want people to be close to me. I want them to want to be close to me. But most of all, I want to stop feeling (and in some ways, actually knowing) that every freaking decision I make is such a critical one. I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope, or I'm a spring that's wound too tightly. Just one lost step, or one more smidgen of pressure and it's all over. Someone kills themselves. Someone drags you to court on a vendetta, yada yada yada. A child is hurt. You lose someone you love because they can't get close to you....all of it, my god, I feel like I'm choking on the enormity of the consequences of the tiniest decisions. I want simple freedoms to not feel like trade-offs in order to prevent disaster. I don't want to feel like I have no leeway to make any mistakes. And I am starting to get pissed about it. I resent that I feel apologetic for asking for the smallest of personal liberties that you all have been taking for granted. I don't want to feel like if I screw up, even just once, that someone is going to end up dead, hurt, poor, frightened or simply vanish.
And suddenly, it came screaming into auto-focus. I have to stop talking myself out of putting myself first...that it's ok that I have to do that on occasion. I'm so tired of feeling responsible for everyone. Who in this world feels responsible for me? Not one person. And even if they did, I refuse to let people get really close to me because I figure they'll just end up hurting me anyway. I resent that I'm fucked up and I resent the ones who fucked me up and I resent that there are people around who know how to play that to their advantage.
So, in this case, these lyrics are totally apropos:
Great Big Sea -
Consequence Free
Wouldn't it be great, if no one ever got offended
Wouldn't it be great to say what's really on your mind?
I have always said "all the rules are made for bending"
And if I let my hair down, would that be such a crime?
CHORUS:
I wanna be consequence free
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter
I wanna be consequence free
just sing NA NA NA NA NA NE NA NA NA
I could really use, to lose my Catholic conscience
Cuz I'm getting sick of feeling guilty all the time
I won't abuse it, Yeah I've got the best intentions
For a little bit of anarchy but not the hurting kind
I couldn't sleep at all last night cause I had so much on my mind
I'd like to leave it all behind, but you know it's not that easy
But oh, for just one night....
Wouldn't it be great, if the band just never ended
We could stay out late and we would never hear last call
We wouldn't need to worry about approval or permission, we could
Slip off the edge and never worry about the fall
I want people to be close to me. I want them to want to be close to me. But most of all, I want to stop feeling (and in some ways, actually knowing) that every freaking decision I make is such a critical one. I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope, or I'm a spring that's wound too tightly. Just one lost step, or one more smidgen of pressure and it's all over. Someone kills themselves. Someone drags you to court on a vendetta, yada yada yada. A child is hurt. You lose someone you love because they can't get close to you....all of it, my god, I feel like I'm choking on the enormity of the consequences of the tiniest decisions. I want simple freedoms to not feel like trade-offs in order to prevent disaster. I don't want to feel like I have no leeway to make any mistakes. And I am starting to get pissed about it. I resent that I feel apologetic for asking for the smallest of personal liberties that you all have been taking for granted. I don't want to feel like if I screw up, even just once, that someone is going to end up dead, hurt, poor, frightened or simply vanish.
And suddenly, it came screaming into auto-focus. I have to stop talking myself out of putting myself first...that it's ok that I have to do that on occasion. I'm so tired of feeling responsible for everyone. Who in this world feels responsible for me? Not one person. And even if they did, I refuse to let people get really close to me because I figure they'll just end up hurting me anyway. I resent that I'm fucked up and I resent the ones who fucked me up and I resent that there are people around who know how to play that to their advantage.
So, in this case, these lyrics are totally apropos:
Great Big Sea -
Consequence Free
Wouldn't it be great, if no one ever got offended
Wouldn't it be great to say what's really on your mind?
I have always said "all the rules are made for bending"
And if I let my hair down, would that be such a crime?
CHORUS:
I wanna be consequence free
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter
I wanna be consequence free
just sing NA NA NA NA NA NE NA NA NA
I could really use, to lose my Catholic conscience
Cuz I'm getting sick of feeling guilty all the time
I won't abuse it, Yeah I've got the best intentions
For a little bit of anarchy but not the hurting kind
I couldn't sleep at all last night cause I had so much on my mind
I'd like to leave it all behind, but you know it's not that easy
But oh, for just one night....
Wouldn't it be great, if the band just never ended
We could stay out late and we would never hear last call
We wouldn't need to worry about approval or permission, we could
Slip off the edge and never worry about the fall