Unconditional Parenting

[chicksinger]

I went to a presentation last week by Alfie Kohn.  It was pretty amazing.  He's written and spoken on a lot of topics like "Beyond Bribes and Threats", "Performance vs. Learning", "The Homework Myth", "Punished by Rewards (The case against gold stars, etc.)".  This talk was mostly a summary of his book Unconditional Parenting, which begins with the

Comments

[chicagochick]

I've heard good things about the book. Thanks for sharing the notes! :)

[chicksinger]

Aw, thanks for reading! I know I can't live by all the principles, but I do think it will help me be more mindful in developing a strong relationship with my kids. =)

[tray622]

Sheez. I have guilt much ;) lol I have heard wonders about the book as well and am definitely going to give it a read. I live by his "Homework Myth" book already!

[chicksinger]

Did you see the part where Alfie said, "Forgive yourself"? =) I love that you've read "Homework Myth"! There are 10 principles in parenting book (I think I listed 4?) and they do make sense, but he doesn't say *how* to do each thing, since every kid is different. It's hard for me--I like a "script"!

We discussed the talk and the book at my class parents' Parenting Class last night, and part of his "how to do this" section in the book said "pick one thing tomorrow and try it. Think about how it worked or could work better with another try." That's probably the way to start. All or nothing would throw the whole household into a tailspin for me!

[ummserious]

I'm totally ordering this, thanks so much for writing out your notes for us! I hope I have time to read it soon! Even if it ends up being a little harder to do thoroughly it seems like it can influence the parent's thought process in a really helpful way.

[chicksinger]

You might check the library first. 1) It's not a "new" book, so it's around. 2)Also check out the articles printed on his website. 3) It is good for planning ahead, to work with older kids, and to have these ideas well in place, but it will not tell you how to work with or reason with your crazed 2 year old who won't stop jumping off the sofa!

It gives 10 steps to mindful relationship-building parenting, but my friend calls it "10 ways to make it that much harder to be a parent!"

I don't mean to talk you out of it, just that it's very philisophical and not a "script" to use when you're down in the trenches with the toddlers.

[ummserious]

I was already thinking along those lines, I totally can guess where you are coming from. (at the same time I really value anything that friends with older kids find helpful because I know that I have no idea what the next stage brings)

It just seems like a really great concept to have in the back of your head even if idealistic. I've ended up speaking with a lot of moms of teens recently for some reason and all of them say that while the toddler years seem dramatic they are dramatic in a whole different way, I guess the sense is that it is a lot more innocent. And really, it has to be for the most part. So I guess once I started having even that tiny concept in the back of my head it changed the way I viewed some of my "battles" with Benjamin.

[chicksinger]

I do think it is a really great concept to have now. Build that relationship now, build, build, build. If children know they will have our love and support, no matter what, it opens all those doors that might stay open longer through the teenage years. If they're running in the house and kick over the dog dish, we can say, "Oh, I see a lot of water on the floor. Let's get some towels!" What if our reaction is, "I told you not to run!!! Why can't you listen?" If the dog dish gets that response, why would they ever want to say, "Mom, I got in a fight and had to see the principal." (or worse. way worse

[bwiched]

thank you for sharing! i've been looking into some new books on parenting. i think we are all great parents, but everyone needs a little help. and it doesn't hurt to help out these little people as much as we can. i want my kids to feel the same way; strong, independent, in control...but also able to come talk to me and john. what parent doesn't want that! :)

thanks for sharing your notes. i'm going to re-read this again later when the kids are asleep and i have some peace to really digest it.

[chicksinger]

I agree that most people that I know and am comfortable with (like you!) are really great parents. Some of my friends were frustrated coming out of the talk, thinking, "But I DO this stuff!" (A lot, anyway.) And we're still frustrated with stuff that happens that we can't "fix" or change. It kind of felt like my "caring and creative parenting" tank was refilled a bit, energizing me to work *with* Zach more, instead of getting in a "no" pattern, just because I often don't "get" him and what his plans are.

I'm looking forward to solving problems together with him more (especially about how he and Katie play together), because the raised voice and time-puts just do not work for *us*, at all. It doesn't improve anything that night, or over time. I can see him just waiting me out, and then he goes back to his plan (which usually isn't even destructive, it's just not the way *I* would do things!)

Anyway, there are a lot of articles on the webstie, and I bet the books are in the library.

[cmw02]

Very interesting! And ITA.. i like "a script" too.. so this could be very challenging for me... but I'm quite intrigued...

I come from a controlling mean at times mother, so I fight all the time to NOT be that way...since its what i know. I really want my kids to be loving respectful adults who consider me not only a loving parent, but a role model too.... so I appreciate your posting this info!