Rant: biological function vs dream career

[ktm234]

Sorry folks, I really need to vent. I've been a silent reader of this community for a while now and it has brought me joy and the much needed realization that many others feel like me. I hope you forgive me for writing anonymously. Academia is a very small world

Comments

[wicked_jester]

Don't give up the dream. I do understand how frustrated and disappointed you must feel. I advise taking it as a positive, for your own sake. They see you as being stable enough to provide a good upbringing for children. Of course it's annoying, since you don't want to have them ever. But it seems to be a breeder's way of acknowledging that you've got your shit together. Just keep going, though. Making an 18+ year commitment to something you never wanted to begin with just to please others is not worth it!

[ktm234]

Thank you!
That is a very interesting point, that one should take such eagerness as a compliment. I mean, I know that they act out of their best intentions. It's just hard to remember that sometimes.

[l_o_lostshadows]

First off, congratulations!

Its possible they've had a health scare you aren't aware of or lost someone close and are feeling their age. It doesn't excuse their behavior though.

I'd put off telling them until after you finish up your PhD if you even slightly suspect they'll increase the baby pressure. Really, its none of their business if you're not having kids/waiting to have kids/having issues conceiving. They think it is, but its not.

"That's a really personal question." followed by a subject change can be helpful for inquiries of this sort. Its harder to badger someone who refuses to engage.

Good luck.

[ktm234]

Thanks! :)

I do feel like it can wait, but at the same time now I realize that that moment will come when the childfree choice will become obvious to them. So in a way I might want to tell it myself, so that they don't come to that conclusion at an inconvenient moment. I need to think about it.

"Its harder to badger someone who refuses to engage. "
oh yeah, I should try that!

[regnbage_sjal]

It's similar shit in my home country, but gladly I don't visit often and my mom is in the process of accepting my position. I mean, it's not a toy or a whim, it's a human being that will have to live life and cope with shit. I ain't doing that only because someone connected to me by blood (aka chance) wants to reduce the fear of dying and fulfill the whims they think they have a right to. They don't! Even if they helped me when I was growing up and contributed to my education. Still can't ask that from me.
The fact that they're talking about it all the time is probably because you never said what you want. You're just in this "right" age, and your security in life points to that it's time to the next logical step. Logical to them of course. Looks like sooner or later you'll have to tell them. Or try to build personal space that they should respect.

[ktm234]

it's especially hard if one does not have siblings who could compensate for the lack of babies and make some of their own. I guess some people think of family as a tree where if one branch does no branch out, it will be over for this whole branch.

[regnbage_sjal]

I don't have siblings as well. And if i did, it would be cruel to expect my hypothetical sibling to bring babies to bored folks. He or she could have been CF as well. :D The gene thing is ridiculous, because we're all related in some way anyway, and blood gets mixed a lot through all those branches. But still that's all I hear from them - "I want to continue my blood line". Duh. What is truly immortal is something you create yourself. A poem, a painting, even a bench in the park that you build would have more importance than your genes. But I guess it's impossible to explain this to someone deeply believing in certain tradition. :/

[ktm234]

"He or she could have been CF as well. "
imagine the reaction xD

"What is truly immortal is something you create yourself. "
I couldn't agree more!

[araminya]

"My whole life making my parents happy has been an important motivational factor

[ktm234]

"You should also try to distance yourself from this emotionally. "

at the end of every prolonged encounter with parents that's what I end up doing. and then for the next time I forget, and it's the same story all over again.

[djtseliot13]

I've also spent my whole life trying to please my parents. I've graduated from top colleges and universities, I've worked all over the world on amazing scientific projects, and I've founded a groundbreaking research organization that has gained international prestige and had great success.

My husband and I have been married 5 years, together for 6. Neither of us wants kids, and I've always expressed a complete anti-kid (for me) stance to everyone. It's never even been a possibility on the radar.

Still, every conversation with my parents includes some mention of how I should be having grandkids for them. It makes me want to scream, and it's also depressing. I totally feel your pain, and I know that's not super helpful...but hang in there, and do what's right for you.

By the way, what are you researching? I care! :D

[ktm234]

"I've also spent my whole life trying to please my parents. I've graduated from top colleges and universities, I've worked all over the world on amazing scientific projects, and I've founded a groundbreaking research organization that has gained international prestige and had great success.
"

wow, that's awesome!

"By the way, what are you researching? I care! :D "
lol
I'm a historian. I would elaborate but then it would get too specific and anonymity would not work any more..