It's okay to not hold the baby, right?

[pilar_zuazo]

I'm the same person from the Nephew Vacation Ruiner post and I now love this site. I've spent the last few days reading everything posted. It's refreshing to see so many like-minded people

Comments

[bose_drache]

I think you have to do only what she expects, otherwise being regarded as a guilty, as an indifferent-behaving monster.
Once being noticed, you have no way to avoid such... claims on what you are expected to do. Just passively NOTICED with some thoughts in HER mind, not actively showing YOUR interest.

And, yes, it is okay to not hold the baby one time, and it's okay to not hold the baby at all, and it is... acceptable sometimes even really tell "to fuck off with the baby". This is my opinion. And I'm sure it differs from a mean-value opinion of a typical "almost all women work collective".

"Is there some unspoken rule... ?" In the most cases, there is, unfortunately.
"I mean, maybe if I had never shown an interest before or had been rude when she asked"
The same result as yours is likely. But in this case you at least do what you like and feel what you feel.

My first comment here. Based on a number of similar situations in Russia, I have read about in our CF community.

[pilar_zuazo]

It's just irritating, you know. I was telling someone else that she acted the way I did only she was rude about it when I returned from a trip a while back where my fiance gave me my ring and proposed. I think I was just more willing to let it go since it was just a ring and not the actual proposal.

Fortunately I'm up for a promotion so I might be getting an office instead of a cubical so maybe by having a door to shut I can avoid this. But then of course I'll have to deal with her when she returns but maybe things will have blown over.

[spaceship505]

Maybe there is an unspoken rule, I don't know, but I don't hold babies. Period. Don't care what people think of me. Unspoken rules are not law.
A) despite what people assume not all women enjoy holding babies so thinking they will do me a big favour by saying I can hold the baby is just plain wrong and B) even if I could muster some fake interest, those babies are just so fragile it's more responsibility than my fake interest can deal with. So no, I'm not holding them.

Maybe the things you did before was a bit of a mistake because it made the mom think you had a lot of interest? I'm always upfront about my feelings so people don't push on. Though admittedly, the few babies to have been born in my circle belong to my friends and they are all very level headed people (despite wanting to have babies ;) ). But I do feel that saying you're just not comfortable holding babies, too afraid you'll drop them or something, is accepted by most. But you burned that bridge alas. Even so, you being too busy, because you have actual work to do, cannot

[pilar_zuazo]

I just hate that the fact that I showed some care for someone I've been friends with and worked with for the last three years is behaving this way. We're not, like, blood-sisters or anything but we were close. She got married before we met but when we discovered we stuff in common we got a group together and had a post-wedding night on the town. She consoled me after the break-up that ultimately led me to my fiance. We were practically best friends. I did all I did for her because, IMO, that's what you do when you care for someone

[l_o_lostshadows]

There's no obligation to hold a baby, but, unfortunately, a lot of people think otherwise.

If you want to avoid holding a baby, the phrase, "I think I might be coming down with something" will have most new mothers beating a quick retreat.

[pilar_zuazo]

I just hate to think that the only way to save myself would be to lie, even if it is the most harmless white lie. I mean, why should I have to disregard myself simply to please someone else? Oh, wait, I forgot this is 2016. Of course cooler heads no longer prevail.

But I'll probably just use the line and deal. We used to be such good friends. That's what I left out of the story. We were so close for so long and then near the end of her pregnancy she got distant and turned to the mothers who work with us. Perhaps she feels she's out-grown me.

*sigh* I'm a sweater. But I'm a cute sweater. Slightly oversized and cable knit. Pink with purple and black stars. *Stella for star!*

[l_o_lostshadows]

Eh, it's not a good one to deploy every time, people tend to get suspicious, but if put on the spot and you really don't want to, it's useful.

Maybe try expressing regret instead? "I'd love to, but I really need to finish this." It's not that you hate her baby (note: I'm not saying you do, but that seems to be how she took it), it's that your job is preventing you.

[pilar_zuazo]

I mean though, that's literally the way I phrased it. When she came over with her son she said, "hey, pilaz_zuazo, wanna hold baby?" I smiled sadly and said, "It would be nice but I'm stuck in the middle of this project and we both know I could hold that little guy all day. But it's due soon so I probably shouldn't."

I mean, I can't think of any nicer way I could have said no other than maybe starting to cry or something.

I don't hate the baby since he's just a product of his mother. Most children are. I give kids a little leeway because I realize they're acting out their parents parenting.

[sleepybadger]

Wow, what kind of office are you in that this woman shows up every day with her baby?

Usually if I want to get out of holding someone's baby, I tell them I think I might be coming down with something. I have allergies so usually I say "well it MIGHT just be allergies, but, I don't want to risk getting your baby sick!" Of course, if she's there every day, I don't know how you get around that.

Some parents take it as a personal affront if you're not enthusiastically enjoying the company of their kid all the time. Maybe it's better if she's in a huff, maybe she won't keep asking.

[pilar_zuazo]

Our department being primarily women by chance and our boss being a very enthusiastic family man as long as it doesn't interrupt the work flow then she's allowed. She usually only stays fifteen to thirty minutes. We don't do things like handle customers or have a real strict timeline so he doesn't really mind if we all or if most of us take a little break while she's there. We're kind of the behind-the-scenes people of a company.

I could tell her I have something making me sick but I don't see why I should compromise my integrity by lying, if it is just a harmless white lie. I mean, saying I'm busy should be enough. Especially considering that when I came back from the trip where my fiance proposed and showed everyone my ring she declined to see it because she was working on a project. So maybe she's just selfish and perhaps it took this situation for me to really see.

[sleepybadger]

Oh yes, that does sound like she's selfish (or at least self-centered). It *should* be enough to say "sorry, I'm in the middle of something right now", and it's very frustrating that somehow it isn't. I also work with primarily women in a "behind the scenes" type of place, but it would irritate the crap out of me if one of my colleagues showed up daily with her baby and expected me to fawn over it.

[sleepybadger]

I saw some of your other comments about how she had started to act distant late in her pregnancy. I had a friend who did this too. Someone I had been friends with since we were kids. When she got married, she asked a woman she worked with to be her maid of honor and did not ask me or the other woman we had been friends with for all those years to stand up or participate in any way in her wedding. She told us that she needed to be around people who were living the lifestyle she wanted (married). After that she canceled plans on us multiple times ("oh, my hubby was going to work late today, but he got out early so obviously I want to stay home and be with him instead"), and once she had kids, she made no effort to spend time with us or talk to us anymore (at the time, the other woman was in a long-term relationship but I was still single and neither of us were planning on having kids). Evidently, the woman who had been her maid of honor had also been discarded because her husband had left her. I can't imagine giving up the

[sparowe]

I don't deal with this much at work (I'm at a gov't contractor, so bringing in a kid isn't a regular occurrence), but Church and social settings seem to be another story entirely. No matter how politely I try to refuse, say that I'm not comfortable, whatever, it doesn't matter. "Well, you need to learn sometime", "It'll be fine", or some variation on how holding said kid will wake my maternal instincts. (For the record, I'm 39. Even if I wanted children, I'd be less than comfortable starting now. And I've known for at least eight years that I do not.)

What has this earned me so far? Nearly dropping one very strong kid who was learning to stand and tried to push off of my lap... me feeding a baby and having her fuss because I didn't know how to encourage her properly (or something)... I honestly can't think of one good experience. It's funny how not wanting to hold kids is like not wanting them at all--you have to sell yourself as horrible, or with horrible reasons, for why you don't want to. "No, thank you" is never good

[pilar_zuazo]

My parents are still religious even thought us kids have become rather secular. We're Irish/Italian so kids, procreating, and family have a large center in their lives, and ours as children. My fiance and I agreed to meet with our Father at my parents request for premarital counseling since we'll be getting married in our family's church. We arrived a little early and there was a Ladies Societal meeting going on so we sat in the back and waited

[sparowe]

I'm sorry you had that experience. :( Depending upon the denomination, there is often pressure for those values... or a lack of a place for the single person within the church--which is a conversation for a different comm, entirely. I do want to note that it was not my pastor forcing the issue, nor any of the elders. We are blessed with good leadership. It's actually some of the older ladies, who are very traditional. But to be fair to them, there was a lady who retired from work a few years ago that noted that I had "good hips for childbearing" (who says that?), so it's definitely not exclusive to my congregation or something. ;)

[pilar_zuazo]

My granny says that all the time. And strictly speaking, I am built to be a good broodmare. After a minor car accident a few years ago my doctor did a bone work check on me since osteoporosis runs in my family and he was worried my bones may have been compromised and he told me that my pelvic region was built perfectly for shoving a head out. So he started going on and on until he read the rest of my file and noted that I have in place an IUD. And my gyno says my female organs are gorgeous. Actually said my uterus et al are beautiful. Nice thick walls, perfect rosy cervix, and two kickin' ovaries.

Great, take 'em and give 'em to the lowest bidder.