gaping mouths through open canyons bring down this house of melancholy so i can call you my little girl
I enjoy the last two lines, but the first one doesn't seem to make sense.
put those pretty ribbons in your hair and make a rainbow with your washable paints just don't get the red on your hands
Nice. What you're writing about, or at least what I think you're writing about, is clearly shown here.
so you won't be caught between childhood and chocolate, burning your palm into either with proof of existence
Slightly awkward with the first two lines. The last line; into either what?
you can't pretend to be anonymous in this society where you don't belong- in a world whose reflection is too oblong to be distorted and too geometrical to be ignored
This stanza is too long and dragged on. Only use "too" once or it seems to make the flow all chunky.
i told myself that buckling my knees would be the end
and baby, i'm kneeling for you These two should be combined into one stanza. Also, the "and" at the begining of the last
( ... )
Ha. I'm so unused to discussing my pieces since the poetry board went to Hell. As a disclaimer, I'm not getting defensive to any of this, merely...exploring this:
so you won't be caught between childhood and chocolate, burning your palm into either with proof of existence
Slightly awkward with the first two lines. The last line; into either what?
Into either childhood or chocolate. It would be awkward and repetitive for me to repeat that. The antecedents are childhood/chocolate, therefore, it's inferred that "either" refers to them.
Aside from that, this is the stanza I've particularly hated throughout the piece because of a choppy flow. I'll focus on the first two lines more.
you can't pretend to be anonymous in this society where you don't belong- in a world whose reflection is too oblong to be distorted and too geometrical to be ignored
This stanza is too long and dragged on. Only use "too" once or it seems to make the flow all chunky.Despite my disliking of this piece, this is where I disagreed with you wholeheartedly. The
( ... )
Comments 3
bring down this house of melancholy
so i can call you my little girl
I enjoy the last two lines, but the first one doesn't seem to make sense.
put those pretty ribbons in your hair
and make a rainbow with your washable paints
just don't get the red on your hands
Nice. What you're writing about, or at least what I think you're writing about, is clearly shown here.
so you won't be caught between childhood
and chocolate, burning your palm
into either with proof of existence
Slightly awkward with the first two lines. The last line; into either what?
you can't pretend to be anonymous in
this society where you don't belong-
in a world whose reflection is too
oblong to be distorted and too
geometrical to be ignored
This stanza is too long and dragged on. Only use "too" once or it seems to make the flow all chunky.
i told myself that buckling my knees
would be the end
and baby, i'm kneeling for you These two should be combined into one stanza. Also, the "and" at the begining of the last ( ... )
Reply
so you won't be caught between childhood
and chocolate, burning your palm
into either with proof of existence
Slightly awkward with the first two lines. The last line; into either what?
Into either childhood or chocolate. It would be awkward and repetitive for me to repeat that. The antecedents are childhood/chocolate, therefore, it's inferred that "either" refers to them.
Aside from that, this is the stanza I've particularly hated throughout the piece because of a choppy flow. I'll focus on the first two lines more.
you can't pretend to be anonymous in
this society where you don't belong-
in a world whose reflection is too
oblong to be distorted and too
geometrical to be ignored
This stanza is too long and dragged on. Only use "too" once or it seems to make the flow all chunky.Despite my disliking of this piece, this is where I disagreed with you wholeheartedly. The ( ... )
Reply
Reply
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